5X-Day Drill - Stang Report 1

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jul 8, 2002 5:44 PM

Well, I would RATHER have awakened this morning on an Escape Vessel of the Sex Goddesses. But being able to wake up to pee IN COMFORT in my own Amsterdam, without having to crawl out of a sleeping bag, unzip two tent flaps and pick my way half naked and barefoot over a pebbly road, while freezing, to the nearest four-flusher or tent-back -- that's a DAMN GOOD SECOND BEST!

Our own ship that we're building is coming along. This was my favorite
X-Day ever, hands down. Well, the Drill of '98 is my REAL favorite,
because at that one, I got to use all the great one-liner come-backs
that I had collected during the previous 20 years of build-up. (I had a
pretty good guess about what kind of epithets would be hurled at me in
case the Saucers didn't show, and it stuck to my script fairly closely,
although I didn't foresee delivering my lines while standing naked in a
pond in front of 400 people.)

For this X-Day Drill I had no script and no expectations, only the goal of meeting every SubGenius, and by Gobbs if it all didn't VASTLY surpass my expectations. Heck, I didn't have ONE massive freakout! Not one! Well, I got kind of grumpy after shooting 3 hours of live music handheld without EATING. But I felt FINE as soon as some of Dr. Legume's toasted shrimp were shoved down my gullet and I was given some of the excellent 'Frop analogs that were going around.

When you organize a devival, at some point you get "Convention Hosts' Syndrome," a condition I named after my nervous breakdown the last night of the First World SubG Conclave in Dallas in 1981. Every X-Day, Jesus and I have suffered this, usually around Saturday night. This time, only Jesus got the Syndrome, and only for like an hour one afternoon. I didn't even see it; He told me about it. What happens is, you hear that ONE TOO MANY abrasive voice ring out "HEY STAAANG!" or "HEY JEEESUS!" just when you thought you were ABOUT to finally have the Slack of getting done what you had set out to get done two hours ago. Then you implode. Well, that didn't happen!

See, you only get about 4 hours of sleep a night at one of these Drills. Also, you WALK and STAND a lot. I spend most of my Drills standing in the middle of one of those roads, flapping my lips and listening to my fellow Subs flap theirs.

By Saturday night, after filming two bands, and striking the stage, my feet and legs felt like collections of thick iron bars held together only by twisty-ties which might break at any second. Luckily there is a SECRET HOT TUB at Brushwood. At about 3 or 4 am Sunday morning, Princess Wei, Dr. Legume, and Chas Smith and I retired to that private tub. As soon as my feet hit the hot water, they started CHANGING. It was a really creepy feeling. First they HURT DREADFULLY down to the bone. Then they just tingled -- but not just the skin, throughout the entire meatus of the foot. Then both appendages started to, I swear, MUTATE. They gradually turned into round red objects that looked like tomatoes, with smaller tomatoes clustered around the end, which were utterly numb. Oddly enough, after an hour, those deflated, revealing a now-healed foot underneath, once the dead outer balloon-like layer of dead skin had been peeled away.

But, my physical ordeals are not the most memorable thing about 5X-Day
Drill. What made me so happy was all the NEW SHIT from NEW PEOPLE. You
know, this is the SEVENTH time that The Foundation has sponsored one of
these at Brushwood, and to tell the truth, it was actually starting to
get kinda OLD for me. Well, those cobwebs were SWEPT away by the Young
Bold Surrealists of X-Day 5. I saw a frop-load of NEW faces, NEW little
brains, new superstitions and rituals and artistical styles.

This was the best attended X-Day since 1998. We had roughly 175
registered, last I heard, and no doubt another dozen or so managed to
sneak in or otherwise somehow sidestep registering. A whole lot of
these were new folks. Most of the inspirational new antics and
speechifying that I enjoyed were emitting from faces that had been at
4X-Day maybe, but hadn't said anything.

I was disappointed only that MORE people didn't take advantage of the
open mikes and free stage that we provided. A lot more people COULD
have ranted, but didn't. The ones that did were almost all GOOD! Good
and short. Short helps. Pisces however managed to be both long-winded
AND good, which is unusual and very valuable to us. It helps that she's
easy on the eyes. She seemed to have whole platoons of Bobbies in the
palm of her hand. She really should have gotten Connietite of the Year,
but the Connietite Award was decided by Connietites and I am not a
Connietite.

Another notable young new preacher was Rev. Alex, who is maybe 16, not
even allowed in to most devivals. His style is entirely his own and his
content is all original, and, ironically, from a rather more mature
perspective that most ranters evince.

The best moments at an X-Day Drill are still usually the unexpected
bolts from the blue that happen off stage, and in that department we
had some hum-dingers. Not to be confused with Rev. Humdinger. I'm sure
everyone has their favorite such moments -- especially those involved
in the stuff I HEARD about that happened at the Bonsai Tiki Lounge at
Bonobo A Go Go, Tranquillity Base -- but mine was the Ikon Burning.

I'm not sure how it developed; Brushwood staffer Jason and the other Wood Cutter Morlocks have traditionally built us a huge bonfire, but this time they added a big (maybe 7-8 foot) wooden version of Jesus' "BOB" IKON to the top of the already tall stack of wood. As the chainsaw-wielding pagans prepared for The Great Burning (Wiccan joke there), Jesus, Pope Phred, DJ Shaver, Lil and others led the SubGenii in a rousing round of sing-alongs. NENSLO would certainly have found it fitting that half of the songs belted out by this chorus of fuck-ups were by him originally. We will have to get him to one of these and burn HIM next time while we sing his songs.

When the fire was lit and the Ikon burned, the pagan drummers and wood choppers in attendance started into an increasingly feverish drumming and chanting, the crescendo of which came as the great Ikon finally collapsed and they screamed "BOB!BOB!BOB!" like banshees (and howled like Comanches); Banjo Bob did the victory dance in his Underoos and Panties. Sorry, that El Queso song is stuck in my head.

Normally, when the pagans do this with bonfires, there are 20 topless maidens and 20 brutish antlered Pan-like thugs dancing like cave people. But us... we had only one dancer doing the work of all those topless maidens and swinging meat thugs -- we had BANJO BOB. That sumbitch's spazz-dance was of such incredibly high spazzitude that it eclipsed anything any NUMBER of pairs of titties could have done.

I was HONORED, and VERY VERY PROUD that the pagans did this for us. I had spent half the weekend explaining patiently to various new Subs (and some pagans) that the pagans and SubGenii do NOT generally "hate" each other at all, but that it is more a good-natured rivalry, a la our relationship with the Discordians. Though we might have only our rejection of the Conspiracy in common, that is a LOT right there. Oh, there are immature Subs and Pagans who really do dislike each other for being a "Them" instead of an "Us," missing "Bob's" point in other words, but I see the friendly rivalry as being increasingly productive. (Several pagan old-timers agree with me on this.) There is much they can teach us. For instance, there were SubGenius theme camps which would have been PERFECT except that the brilliant, inventive Subs who
designed them had forgotten the most BASIC technology, that of FIRE. The pagans are way ahead of us in certain areas like that -- fire making, tire-changing, stuff like that.

X-Day forces us and the pagans to confront the basic question of "WHAT
THE HELL ARE YOU FOLKS DOING?" Because these events draw a few
PERFECTLY "NORMAL" curious people. For instance, there was a local
farmer and a Cleveland Art Institute dude asking everybody very basic
questions as to what's all this with "Bob," aliens, pagans, Brushwood,
Starwood, and naked people?

When you have to answer that question to someone with NO AGENDA, you
tend to search for the honest answer, and I think a lot of Subs and
pagans both found themselves telling these strangers exactly the same
thing -- the bottom line is, it's FUN!

These strangers might well have been federal agents or such checking us
out, for which I don't blame them, and I hope they had fun and learned
something.

Another stand-out moment was the wedding -- a LEGAL wedding -- of
Popess Lilith and Rev. Thea. I have conducted many real weddings among
SubGenii, and some were pretty touching, but this one was unlike any
others. For one thing, I have known Lil for, jeepers, how long? At
least 16 or 17 years! And Thea was a Devivor from way back, middle
nineties. These are two SubGenii who had pretty good reason to think
that life SUCKED and there was no way they would ever find True Yeti
Mates and get their Bonobo instincts slaked and worked out right. It's
the perfect proof however that "Bob's" promise rings true. If LIL and
Thea can find a True Yeti Mate -- hell for that matter if *I* could
find a true Yeti Mate -- then ANYBODY can. Except, of course, for that
one asshole over there.

This was the last time that cameras will be allowed near the pool house for the Bobtism. I guess one too many Connieites must have gotten home from 4X-Day to find nude pictures of themselves being used as screensavers by the guys at work, because there were only about 4 women in that pool among a bunch of guys. Which isn't fair to the other gals. The Bobtism is about being Bobtised, not being naked, and half of the folks are wearing bathing suits, but the plethora of cameras and drooling tongues just ain't cutting it. It was fun to make fun of the frog watchers at first, but I think the Day of the Frog Watcher has ended.

By contrast, Tranquillity Base was declared a NO CAMERA ZONE, and consequently, every night, the Bonobo A Go Go Tiki Banzai Lounge looked like Burning Man, only with trees, and good weather.

The weather was PERFECT. No rain! (To speak of.) It didn't get down to freezing at night. I never even broke out my second pair of shoes or my BIG jacket.

Nothing was STOLEN from us. My SubGenius Beefcake Calendar vanished during the signing but I imagine that someone picked it up thinking it was theirs. Only 20 were printed. Mine is the one with NO AUTOGRAPHS in it, the only cherry one.

I should have bought new tires before hauling me, Two Beans, all the
sound gear and swag to X-Day in my jalopy. She WARNED me. She TOLD me
so. But I didn't listen. So Two Beans and I had a blow-out RIGHT AT the
sign marking the border between Ohio and Pennsylvania. To make a long
story short, Two Beans and I destroyed the wheel bolts, he had to
hitchhike to a phone, and we had a suspenseful time in a Triple AZ tow
truck looking for a repair shop that would be able to help us in Erie
at FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON THE DAY BEFORE THE FOURTH OF JULY.
(Firestone at the mall.)

All my tires ended up being Ruptured for X-Day and now I have 4 shiny
new tires and 3 shiny new wheel bolts.

Now I am feeling like a truck hit me. I slept for 12 hours after
getting home. Now I cannot WAIT to begin the GEEKING! Just the labeling
ALONE of my tapes will take all day and night. That's 7 hours of
mini-DV video, 12 hours of Video 8 (the locked-off camera that was
ALWAYS running on the side of the stage), 7 or 8 audio cassettes that
are all recorded in THREE-track on one side, for half an hour each, and
the 350 stills that Princess Wei took. first however I have to unload
my van. And unwind, unpack, rewind, log and download. One should always
unload before uploading.

Good thing I made Hours of Slack three shows in advance during my
pre-Drill frenzy of production. 'Cause all I want to do is fuck with
all this media now. GOD I am such a GEEK.

You know what I did when Wei and I got home from the drive, at 3 in the
morning? I got on the IRC. Can you fucking believe it. Nerd to the
bone. I wasn't the only one either... sheesh...

I'm behind on swag mail-outs though. I have to fill a few orders for
Connivin' Ivan's that I BLEW OFF for the Drill. I haven't even looked
at the news groups yet. I feel sorry for the a.b.s. artists who don't
especially want to see the 10,000 photos of the rest of us geeks
cavorting and looking stupid. (Though *I* sure do.) And I imagine that
the Subs of alt.slack will have done their token "SHUT UP ABOUT IT
ALREADY!" rants before we even start, as Nu-Monet suggested.

I guess I should mention that this 5X-Day Drill probably MADE MONEY,
unlike the last two which just broke even. Hopefully this means we can
finally pay off some debts AND PRINT and MAIL THE STARK FIST THAT CHRIS
LEE LAID OUT A YEAR AGO!! With its wonderful articles and photos on the
events of 1999 and 2000.

The Flesh Auction and the Bulldada Auction both produced unexpected earnings, truly breathtaking gossip and soap-opera like suspense. Many bizarre "couplings," not usually sexual in nature exactly, but very perverted nonetheless, resulted from this, the details of which I caught here and there in various whispered late night conversations. No doubt we will all enjoy seeing the exaggerated individual reports, brags, or accusations, as the cases may be.

I was sorry that Modemac wasn't there for the Auction, but I was glad that I got to do it instead. I was sorry that St. Marc had disasters in Their world that prevented him from coming, but I am glad that I was consequently forced to give Two Beans a ride, because otherwise, I would have had to walk to that phone.

What else is in my notes here? SEX. SEX, or the potential for sharing same with some intriguing new stranger just met, or with some email pal never seen in the flesh, is a big draw, and I won't be surprised if, 9 months from now, two-headed babies start springing out of pagan MEN who LOOKED at SubGenius women during X-Day.

During the wedding of Lil and Thea, I listed some of the marriages and
love affairs (and even kids) that sprang from X-Days and other
SubGenius events, especially at Brushwood. Some of these were between
SubGenius and SubGenius, but there has also been a lot of miscegenation
between SubGenii and pagans. Toth Wilder and I for instance both
married into ACE (the Cleveland group that does Starwood, largest pagan
event in the U.S.), and in fact I am now one of the Starwood
organizers, a fact that I hope makes some of the more humorless pagans
cringe in horror. Heck, I am one of the dozen Elder Hot Shots who get
to light the giant Sacred Bonfire at Starwood. And I don't believe the
slightest tiny bit of all that new age "energies" related gobbledygook.
I don't even believe my own gobbledeegook.

When we burned that giant Ikon representing our most cherished beliefs,
well, that shows what we think of cherished beliefs. Even our own. Easy
come, easy go. Up in smoke. "Bob" sold it to me, I burned it, that
settles it. Thanks, "Bob," for selling me something that I had SO MUCH
FUN burning -- YOU!

Anyway, back to the sex. I didn't get any, because we were TOO TIRED
when my Liegesse and I finally crashed each night. And we're married,
it's not like X-day is our only opportunity. But, in case anybody
wondered, I didn't even get PROPOSITIONED by anybody. Well, Mojo kept
batting his eyes at me but that's about it. I bet Jesus and Magdalen
just went for the Dream Sex too, while sleeping. But here's the
surprising thing. Who's the tall handsome studly rock star of the
SubGenius? Most of the time? (Saint N being "AND" Hellena Handbasket?)
Chas of ESO is our handsome studly rock star. Well, he isn't HANDSOME,
he looks like Barney Fife, but Barney Fife also happens to look like
Mick Jagger. And he and the band had just turned in the most RIVETING,
STUDLY performance of their rockin' careers. And he's available now.
And he had been featured in the newspaper that very week. One would
think there'd be some kind of groupie factor operating. But ONLY ONE
FEMALE chased Chas around and around, and she was a known, admitted
human that he, in fact any self respecting SubGenius, would flee no
matter how good she might LOOK.

Not every SubGenius has that much self respect, however, and when the
human finally gave up on Chas, a much drunker and less picky male
SubGenius apparently took the job. I will spare this man the shame that
he truly deserves. I am so sorry that I missed the razzing that his
erstwhile EmpLoyees gave him the next morning, after he had bitten the
Bait of the Poisoned Hook, and had been lured into the Graveyard of
Dicks. IF that is indeed what happened. It might have been something
far worse, and what I'm typing now might be seen in retrospect as
terribly bad taste.

An alien, observing humans for the first time by studying that bonfire
through a telescope, would have been able to figure out what was going
on. "The female is attempting to attract the attentions of the dominant
male, but he is more interested in a younger female, and is rejecting
her advances. See how he finally flees while she is not looking. Ah,
now she has moved her attentions to the hairy male, the one that is
stumbling. He seems to be enthusiastically accepting her grooming.
Well, this is boring. What else is on this planet?"

Legume SANG!! Rather, he shouted Marine Drill Instructor rants through the bullhorn while ESO played that military chant song. And he played fucking HARMONICA! WELL! Never imagined such a thing. Patrick Volkerding and I, and Chris the Sound Man, worked at getting recordings of everything two different ways, through the board, through board mixed with ambient room mike, and ambient room mike only... it was a really wonderful concert and I hope the audio recordings do it justice. (Unlikely.) I filmed the HELL out of it with the borrowed ACE handheld DV cam, but the SOUND on that thing is pretty rinky dink... we'll see...

Drugs, or the promise of drugs, seems to be another "X-Day lure." I am not sure why this is so. Oh, sure, I saw some kids smoking marijuana furtively, and a few people had too much to drink and got all loud and serial-killer. The only drug I built up any tolerance to during the weekend was Ibuprophen. And I drank about 10 cups of coffee a day. Oh, I sampled some of the finest, most sublimely contemplative, most redolent, Habafropzipulops ever grown by Yetinsyn, in any century or continent, of one thousand and ten sweet yet skunkish flavours, constantly; in fact the only oxygen I inhaled was strictly for purposes of combustion only. And some of these experts revealed new delivery systems that blew my mind, from a health and science standpoint. But drugs? Nobody was telling ME about any drugs, if there WERE any besides booze. And I'm an alcoholic, so I can't DRINK! Man, how does THAT figure? The ones that AREN'T alcoholics CAN drink, all they want, but the ones that ARE alcoholics, CAN'T! Unless they want to turn into banished dumbass losers. Seems to me that the whole logic of that is skewed, but, oh well.

I hope some of the theme camp folks realize that the reason I turned
down their offers of copious boozery is not that I was snubbing their
booze and camp, but that I am still hung over from the drinking I did
in the Day. Thus, Allah and my temper do not permit.

What makes SubGenii a lot more fucked up than drugs do is LACK OF
SLEEP. When it turns into ANTISLEEP, the great "Second Wind" of legend,
that's great. But in between, there's the plain exhaustion, which
affects the already impaired memory fatally. By Sunday a.m. I had
become absent minded enough to leave my van full of original tapes, the
GIANT Full Metal Dobbsheads, and the cameras, not only unlocked but
WIDE OPEN. Luckily, Drummer Bob of ESO closed it up for me while he was
investigating some surreally loud sounds of lovemaking that echoed
through that end of the campground around dawn.

The offstage antics of Rev. Susie the Floozy, El Gordo, Televangela,
and several other High Unpredictable Bold Surrealists -- such as the
young Rev. Zorro -- had me spazzed with laughter to the point of
cramping, several times, and throughout the whole Super Hero Ball, my
eye behind that viewfinder was POURING tears of laughter for about an
hour solid.

I spent a LOT of time teary-eyed with cathartic laughter, More time
spent laughing than at ANY previous X-Day Drill. These fuckers are so
god damned funny that... well, YA HAD TO HAVE BEEN THERE.

The winners aren't Bobbies -- that's the name of the statuette they'll
get when the Escape Vessels finally get here. In the meantime we have
been awarding them those little ribbons with slogans on them like
"First Place" and "I Can Dress Myself".

Anyway, I can't immediately find the hand written list that Jesus and I
used on stage, the only list of the recipients (derived from seances
with the Elder bankers). I hope I find it and don't have to transcribe
the winners' names and categories from the tape.

In the meantime, I can list the "POST-CEREMONIAL" BOBBIE AWARDS, the
awards for which there was no category until AFTER the awards had been
given out.

NOTE: We try not to give the awards to the same folks two years in a
row even if they ACTUALLY deserve it, because we really want to
encourage newcomers. Other times, we do so anyway.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

On Mon, 08 Jul 2002 21:44:12 GMT, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

>These strangers might well have been federal agents or such checking us
>out, for which I don't blame them, and I hope they had fun and learned
>something.

Around 1 or 2 in the morning on Friday, a van drove past the 4
flushers and stopped a few of us. It contained a human, about 40
in years, white in color and curious in temperment. "Where is it
ok to park and camp - I'll just be sleeping in my van?" he asked.

We pointed him to the open field and suggested he keep an eye out
for logs and bodies.

"Is this like buring man? You've heard of that, right? Can you
just wander around to parties and people are cool?"

We informed him that if Burning Man had an annoying younger
sibling, what has happening in Brushwood might make a good
comparrison. And we told him not to be a jerk and people would be
cool.

I think I saw him later at Bonobo-A-Go-Go really trying to blend
in, but failing. He mostly just sat on a chair near the fire. I
saw his van the next morning briefly but never again.

>When the fire was lit and the Ikon burned, the pagan drummers and wood
>choppers in attendance started into an increasingly feverish drumming
>and chanting, the crescendo of which came as the great Ikon finally
>collapsed and they screamed "BOB!BOB!BOB!" like banshees (and howled
>like Comanches); Banjo Bob did the victory dance in his Underoos and
>Panties. Sorry, that El Queso song is stuck in my head.

I think at some point we should burn Banjo Bob. Or just his
Banjo. Or both. Unfortunately the "Banjo Bob" chant just didn't
catch on.

We have exclusive pictures of Banjo Bob *playing* his banjo! I
think there's a SubGenius jug band in the works.

>DOCTOR LEGUME WAS RIGHT ABOUT CAMERAS vs. TITTIES.
>
>This was the last time that cameras will be allowed near the pool house
>for the Bobtism.

The Cartel chatted about this and disagree. We observed the same
nekid girls no matter where we went - the pool house for the
Bobtism, Bonobo-A-Go-Go or the open field. I think a more
controled experiment in contrtoled conditions is in order.

We're also wondering if we could get "Press Passes" for Quijibo,
which would make us exempt from such "no camera" rules, since
we're merely documenting everything for the good of the Church.

Dr Lee admits to filming only 4 minutes of video this year - and
that was of me trtying to extract a brain eating moth which had
decided my grey matter was ripe for the picking.

If only she could have warned us as well. 40 minuntes into the
trip and our vehicle shed one of the tires like a bad scab.

>What else is in my notes here? SEX. SEX, or the potential for sharing
>same with some intriguing new stranger just met, or with some email pal
>never seen in the flesh, is a big draw, and I won't be surprised if, 9
>months from now, two-headed babies start springing out of pagan MEN who
>LOOKED at SubGenius women during X-Day.

>>DOCTOR LEGUME WAS RIGHT ABOUT CAMERAS vs. TITTIES.
>>
>>This was the last time that cameras will be allowed near the pool house
>>for the Bobtism.
>
> The Cartel chatted about this and disagree. We observed the same
> nekid girls no matter where we went - the pool house for the
> Bobtism, Bonobo-A-Go-Go or the open field. I think a more
> controled experiment in contrtoled conditions is in order.

Not true. Things happened in Bonobo-a-gogo that you must have missed. There
were a few nekkid gals wandering around, certainly, but what they did
behind the closed doors of Bonobo-a-gogo were WAY beyond what went on
outside. That no-camera idea was PURE GENIUS, and I can attest to being
witness to what Janor described as a LEWD SPECTACLE OF WANTON DEPRAVITY,
and the FIRST such spectacle in the history of Xday festivals.

There were few at the scene for some of these spectacles...for one of them,
we closed down T-Base entirely and "locked the gate"...anyone passing by no
doubt heard the moans and wet slapping sounds; but don't bother asking for
the videos, cuz thar ain't none. There were a few witnesses to this, and
they had jaws agape as I smacked a cold, dirty shovel across the already-
bruised and swollen ass of the purty uberfemme whose name it is not my
place to reveal.

And the lewd sex acts that went on in the darkened corners of T-base, ones
that left even ME slack-jawed with surprise, were decidedly more pink and
juicy than the tame stuff I'd seen at XDays past.

In the words of Nickie Deathchyck, "I'd NEVER have done that if there were
cameras there". And that alone is enough of a clue as to the success of
the no-cam zone.

Legume
--
"Civilization will not attain to its perfection until the last stone from
the last church falls on the last priest" - - - Emile Zola

It's interesting to note that the veteran X-Day troops have put
down the cameras for the most part and have actually gotten out
to enjoy the week-end. I noticeed a distinct lack of video
cameras all over, that's for sure. I think there will always be
Bobtism Frog Watchers no matter what you do.

Personally I was only interested in taking pics OF the Frog
Watchers. See a.b.s. for hot frog watchin' action.

-------------------
New Quijibo Out NOW!
#23 and The Other #23
http://www.quijibocartel.com

Damn, Stang, ain't I ALWAYS right about this kind of stuff? I am, after
all, a man of science.
>
> This was the last time that cameras will be allowed near the pool house
> for the Bobtism. I guess one too many Connieites must have gotten home
> from 4X-Day to find nude pictures of themselves being used as
> screensavers by the guys at work, because there were only about 4 women
> in that pool among a bunch of guys. Which isn't fair to the other gals.

Nor is it fair to ME, sitting there like a big bald meatball in that
cauldron of sausage soup. Being surrounded by nekkid gals only 90% of the
time just isn't ENOUGH.

> The Bobtism is about being Bobtised, not being naked, and half of the
> folks are wearing bathing suits, but the plethora of cameras and
> drooling tongues just ain't cutting it. It was fun to make fun of the
> frog watchers at first, but I think the Day of the Frog Watcher has
> ended.

Good. We already have a TON of pictures of past Bobtisms; the only thing
that's changed is the fresh new titties, and who NEEDS more pictures of the
same old same old. We need to put a police line around the fucking pool-
house and refuse admittance to all frog-watchers and non-participants.

>
> By contrast, Tranquillity Base was declared a NO CAMERA ZONE, and
> consequently, every night, the Bonobo A Go Go Tiki Banzai Lounge looked
> like Burning Man, only with trees, and good weather.

The true measure of the value of the nocamzone is in the Legend Factor. At
T-base, there was some serious debauchery going on, safe from the prying
cameras of the frog-watcher. Later the same day, I'd already heard THREE
different stories about what went on, each more perverted than the
previous, each with different people involved, each from different parts of
Brushwood. And best of all, NONE of the stories was even CLOSE to how hot
the real deal was.

> Not every SubGenius has that much self respect, however, and when the
> human finally gave up on Chas, a much drunker and less picky male
> SubGenius apparently took the job. I will spare this man the shame that
> he truly deserves.

You mean Doc Mojo? Heheheheh. He thought we had sour grapes because he "got
lucky"...little realizing that NONE of us would have dared lick the "Dread
Tuna" that he so readily devoured. Yes, he got "lucky", all right...just
like Dale Earnhardt.

Mo's most meorable line: "I'm gonna go felch a hot dog from Ed Strange".
Apparently he meant "bum" or "beg" or "ask for", not knowing what
"felching" is...but then, maybe not, because if that disgusting sumbitch is
willing to chow down at that particular intersection of pussy and Pinkness,
he'd probably have been willing to felch a hot dog from Ed Strange. And to
be perfectly honest, it would probably have been a better choice.

>I am so sorry that I missed the razzing that his
> erstwhile EmpLoyees gave him the next morning, after he had bitten the
> Bait of the Poisoned Hook, and had been lured into the Graveyard of
> Dicks. IF that is indeed what happened. It might have been something
> far worse, and what I'm typing now might be seen in retrospect as
> terribly bad taste.

And thus was spawned the race of Monan.

> Legume SANG!! Rather, he shouted Marine Drill Instructor rants through
> the bullhorn while ESO played that military chant song. And he played
> fucking HARMONICA! WELL! Never imagined such a thing.

That was one of the truly high points of my week, perhaps even more so than
the many spankings I gave and the lap dances I got, even more than the bald
hot-tub pussy that landed on my face, even more than the women I diddled
with the cold water hose. I got to play my harp onstage as the Seventh
Secret Outlaw, to the ESO cover of the Johnny Cash cover of the Rolling
Stones' "No Expectations".

I think the audience was a bit surprised as well. I've been playing that
same Hohner Blues Harp since I bought it waaaay back in the early eighties,
but this was the first time I ever got to play with a band onstage. Most
folks didn't even know I could...Stang didn't, and I've known him for ten
years.

Legume
--
"Come and take me to the airport , come and pour me on that plane
Cuz I've got no expectations to ever pass this way again"

In article <3d2a3f2c.39273958@news.in.comcast.giganews.com>, mykal
d'archangel <md_archangel@hotmail.com> wrote:

>
> Personally I was only interested in taking pics OF the Frog
> Watchers. See a.b.s. for hot frog watchin' action.

In article <3d2a1744.29056561@news.in.comcast.giganews.com>, mykal
d'archangel <md_archangel@hotmail.com> wrote:

> >DOCTOR LEGUME WAS RIGHT ABOUT CAMERAS vs. TITTIES.
> >
> >This was the last time that cameras will be allowed near the pool house
> >for the Bobtism.
>
> The Cartel chatted about this and disagree. We observed the same
> nekid girls no matter where we went - the pool house for the
> Bobtism, Bonobo-A-Go-Go or the open field. I think a more
> controled experiment in contrtoled conditions is in order.

You know, if you stop and think, you might realize that a large part of
the reason why the Connieites weren't at the Bobtism was because most
were dressing for the Calendar signing. I mean, DAMN, I scrape the
damned Conspiracy off the soles of my boots every day--WASHING it off
almost seems like a waste of effort. May as well disinfect the dog's
turds with Lysol before he eats them.

--
--=8=-- \m/ --=8=-- http://lilith.foolspress.com/ --=8=-- \m/ --=8=--
You'll say that the 50's isn't the present, but we'll have to differ on
that. -- RLan538885 in 20020617153210.12229.00001550@mb-fe.aol.com

>8 tales of slack, not drugs, sex, not drugs, pagans, not drugs, blown tyres
not drugs and no sleep, not drugs snipped.

I read that wrong the first time I scanned and now I'm afraid it's burned
deeply into my psyche. For now and ever Dr Legume will be awarded for the
worst flatulence.

BTW just so you undertand I am insanely jealous having had a frankly shite
X-day apart from the money-luck plane tilting even further in my favour.
Any comments I may make about how utterly crap this Xn-day may have been
are just sour grapes.

Legume <none@yerbiz.com> wrote in message news:<Xns9245D9C5173A0CortezLegume18465086@128.242.171.114>...
> Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>
> > DOCTOR LEGUME WAS RIGHT ABOUT CAMERAS vs. TITTIES.
>
> Damn, Stang, ain't I ALWAYS right about this kind of stuff? I am, after
> all, a man of science.

Quick, somebody KILL one or all of us. Before this Church goes
Presbyterian or something.

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
>
>
> NENSLO would certainly have found it
> fitting that half of the songs belted out by this chorus of fuck-ups
> were by him originally. We will have to get him to one of these and
> burn HIM next time while we sing his songs.

I told you all you have to do is send me the plane ticket. And waive
my fees of course. I don't expect to pay or git paid.

> "Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
> >
> >
> > NENSLO would certainly have found it
> > fitting that half of the songs belted out by this chorus of fuck-ups
> > were by him originally. We will have to get him to one of these and
> > burn HIM next time while we sing his songs.
>
> I told you all you have to do is send me the plane ticket. And waive
> my fees of course. I don't expect to pay or git paid.

Well that would be fine if you were NENSLO but you're IKOTA. We HAD
these two round trip first class tickets for a Mister "NENSLO" that we
spent $1500 on, but nobody can FIND Nenslo. Not even all those
loudmouth net detictives that keep saying they can find any dirt on
anybody.

Smeariously, the reason we are able to keep having these X-Days is
because we spend almost nothing on them. Our whole budget was $250 for
sound gear rental. An extra $250 we got probably went toward Jesus's
plane ticket so He wouldn't have to PAY to RUN THE FESTIVAL Himself.

If we're LUCKY -- well actually, thanks to the good ideas of AUCTIONS
-- we'll have enough from admissions to print the Stark Fist and/or get
out of some old debts that we got into when we made our great push to
become a "REAL" company -- you know, the kind with an office and
salaries and MILLIONS of dollars of debt, and lawsuits, and all that
fun stuff.

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
>
> In article <3D2B4A7B.346FE478@yahooX.com>, IKOTA <ikota@wistian.com>
> wrote:
>
> > "Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
> > >
> > >
> > > NENSLO would certainly have found it
> > > fitting that half of the songs belted out by this chorus of fuck-ups
> > > were by him originally. We will have to get him to one of these and
> > > burn HIM next time while we sing his songs.
> >
> > I told you all you have to do is send me the plane ticket. And waive
> > my fees of course. I don't expect to pay or git paid.
>
> Well that would be fine if you were NENSLO but you're IKOTA. We HAD
> these two round trip first class tickets for a Mister "NENSLO" that we
> spent $1500 on, but nobody can FIND Nenslo. Not even all those
> loudmouth net detictives that keep saying they can find any dirt on
> anybody.

Ask Popeblack. He can find Nenslo IF HE USES BOTH HANDS.
>
> Smeariously, the reason we are able to keep having these X-Days is
> because we spend almost nothing on them. Our whole budget was $250 for
> sound gear rental. An extra $250 we got probably went toward Jesus's
> plane ticket so He wouldn't have to PAY to RUN THE FESTIVAL Himself.
>
> If we're LUCKY -- well actually, thanks to the good ideas of AUCTIONS
> -- we'll have enough from admissions to print the Stark Fist and/or get
> out of some old debts that we got into when we made our great push to
> become a "REAL" company -- you know, the kind with an office and
> salaries and MILLIONS of dollars of debt, and lawsuits, and all that
> fun stuff.
>

Well that's what I call some pretty fucked up priorities. Man, if you
can't wheedle some dumbass into paying my way through life I'm going
to have to find me a better preacher.