Which, by the way, is less than a year from now.
<modemac@modemac.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jul 9, 2001 8:32 PM
All I can say is that this X-Day fucking ROCKED, and
it kicked ass
over last year by about one thousand percent. EVERYONE
pitched in and
did their part to make this as close to perfect a weekend
as one could
possibly hope for. The weather was perfect, the events
were perfect,
the Slack flowed as thick as the rain on Wednesday night.
No one was
upset or frustrated, and I only heard two or three complaints
that
"this is boring, man!" And all of those complaints
came from virgin
Bobbies who were still expecting to sit back and be
"entertained."
If there was any sense of disappointment last year when
XXX-Day
stumbled in a few places, then that sense disappeared
entirely this
time. I was high on Slack for the ENTIRE time, from
the first moment
to the last, and EVERYTHING flowed in such a manner
that we all felt
as if we were truly blessed. It was, quite simply,
TERRIFIC. And so
many things happened, I can barely begin to list them
all!
THE RUPTURE! This moment -- probably the biggest failure
in our
Church's history -- proved to be a perfect example of
how EVERYONE
would come together and pitch in to make it a real EVENT.
Those
goddamn Xist saucers pulled a no-show -- again -- and
we were left
standing with egg on our faces.
(In fact, I suspect it was Hellpope Huey's fault that
we didn't get
Ruptured this year! Why? Because he was the only one
of us smart
enough to wait for the moment of the Xist arrival IN
THE HOT TUB. As
we were counting down the final seconds towards 7:00
AM, he popped his
head out of the poolhouse and shouted, "When those
damn Xists come,
they'd better take this hot tub with me!!" And
so the Xists looked
down and thought, "Just look at those dumbasses!
They're standing out
in the middle of the fields with idiotic looks on their
faces, and
only ONE GUY is smart enough to sit in a hot tub and
RELAX for his
Rupture! Well, it looks like they still ain't learned
their lesson
yet -- better luck next year, fellas! Ha ha ha!")
Anyways, we COULD have just sat around waiting for something
to happen
when the Xists failed to show up...but instead, everyone
DID make
something happen. Thunderous explosions were set off
at 6:30 AM,
waking up the entire campground at Brushwood. Reverend
Two Beans and
myself took to the megaphone to make sure everyone woke
up for the End
of the World. D.J. Shaver set up a giant sound system
and played a
KILLER soundtrack for the Rupture, including a ridiculous
lounge music
version of the Doors' "The End." "Bob"
himself showed up, and when
the Xists screwed up the crowd turned on him and strung
him up by his
neck -- with nothing but his two-foot-long dick hanging
out of his
pants. And as a special bonus, everyone who actually
showed up at
7:00 AM even received TRIPLE THEIR MONEY BACK. I am
not kidding about
this. That's what happens when you make the effort
to actually DO
something!
And good Lord, there was no END of the things to do there!
THE MUSIC! The roaring electronica of Saint N and Helena
Handbasket!
The thunderous keyboards of Hellpope Huey! Einstein's
Secret
Orchestra! Wotan's Jammin' Band! Bliss America! The
music ROCKED
the crowds until far into the night, and EVERY band
blew the crowd
away. AND, on top of all this, the sound managers
for the stage kept
a constant flow of ambient and off-beat music flowing
during the quiet
hours, so that you could always go down to the stage
and just listen
to the music. And that doesn't even include the music
CDs being sold,
or just given away for free. No wonder the Conspiracy
hates us for
being able to burn our own music CDs -- that way we
can sell them at
dirt cheap prices and STILL make a little money for
ourselves. Fuck
corporate music.
THE RADIO STATIONS! We thought there would be no radio
broadcast this
year...but instead there were THREE stations there!
WBOB and Or Kill
Me Radio returned, *and* they were joined in by Radio
Free Brushwood!
We could turn on our radio at any time of day or night
for a constant
stream of non-commercial, censor-free weird music and
ranting that was
easily 500% better than any stupid "classic rock"
radio station.
THE RANTS! Lilith's rant on how NOT to commit suicide
was heartfelt
and moving. Bodhisattva Troutwaxer sermonized, Hellpope
Huey
EXPLODED, Doc Mojo got in touch with his inner Pink
boy. And perhaps
best of all, one of the youngest SubGenii ever to take
the stage --
Reverend Alex -- got up there for the first time and
RANTED. The
first one is always the hardest, and it takes guts to
actually get in
front of a crowd for the first time and let loose with
one for Dobbs.
I should know -- my first rant was in 1997, and I froze
on stage and
only stayed there because Stang and Lilith backed me
up. Alex became
a SubGenius star by actually getting up and Ranting,
which definitely
made him STAND OUT from the crowd.
(Reverend Alex -- when you read this, email me! I have
an important
request for you.)
THE BULLDADA AUCTION! This was, without question, the
greatest
auction EVER. It beat out 1998 in terms of sheer cash
flow, and the
weirdness was comparable. Lame Christian books auctioned
off!
Phloighd's hair! Sister Decadence's body! Joy D'Veeve's
panties!
And much, much more! Phred bid on everything (why?!?),
and Joy's
panties continued an important tradition for the yearly
Auction.
Every year, someone has auctioned off panties or underwear.
Joy
carried the tradition to its fourth year in a row.
And best of all,
lots of NEW folks got on stage to auction off stuff.
THE FOOD! The Brushwood Cafe was closed and didn't
open all weekend
(except to sell soda and coffee), but so what? Everyone
brought more
than enough food to go around, and they were sharing
with each other
constantly. I didn't have to leave the campground once
to go and eat,
but I had hot cooked food every single night. Sausages
from Rocknar,.
jambalaya from Prostata and Joy, turkey and burgers
from Or Kill Me
Radio, pancakes on Saturday, and the massive miraculous
Pot Luck feast
on Sunday! Truly, the phrase to live by this weekend
was, "Give me
Slack AND give me food. Or kill me."
THE EVENTS! The Howling Hordes of Wotan swept across
the fields and
turned the entire campground into a bloody field of
slaughter! The
Connie-ites signed and posed for their yearly calendar,
and this time
they did in HALF the time it took last year. No one
was upset or
frustrated! There were pool tables, chess, trebuchet
missile
launchings, deadly Jartz competitions, Cosmic Golf courtesy
of the
aliens of Lust In Space, the Barbie Shrine at the campsite
of Reverend
SexMortus (who is big, scary looking, and ALWAYS willing
to jump in
and help out), the Bobbie Awards, the Tiki Lounge, the
Quijibo Lounge,
and of course the pool and the hot tub. And for those
who took the
advice of alt.slack and stayed along for an extra day,
there was the
disgusting, hilarious, and pornographic POOL OF OOBLECK!
Man, the
videos alone from that bit will make a FORTUNE for the
Church and
increase the lurkers on alt.binaries.slack by at least
a factor of
ten.
This doesn't even BEGIN to cover the many amazing, wonderful,
truly
Slackful moments to be had at X-Day 2001. I was fortunate
enough to
witness Lust In Space weirding out their neighbors by
playing
glow-in-the-dark golf in the middle of the Brushwood
fields at 12:30
AM. I spent the entire Bobtism in the hot tub, because
I was too sore
to get into the pool; but I certainly got a lot of slack
from that. I
could go into more detail about any of the events that
took place, as
well as the personal Slack I got from being able to
meet people and
walk around for most of the weekend without any tragic
events taking
place. In fact, I know I'll go into it in more detail
in the upcoming
alt.slack threads of the next few days. Or weeks.
The pictures
should be flooding onto alt.binaries.slack at just about
this time, in
fact.
And most of all -- THE PEOPLE! Seeing old friends is
great, and
meeting new ones is just as Slackful. Pisces, Two Beans,
Vagina
Jones, and so many others were there, and if I didn't
have the time
(or the courage) to really sit down and acquaint myself
with them, I'm
still glad I was at least able to say hi.
And perhaps most important of all is the commandment
given to us on
Saturday night by Dr. Armand Geddyn, as he took the
stage during Saint
N's performance. His commandment is simple, but it
is one that I
believe we must follow:
NEXT YEAR, BRING AT LEAST ONE PERSON WITH YOU WHO HAS
NEVER BEEN TO
X-DAY BEFORE.
Not only will this bring in more money for the Church,
but it will
also increase the Slack to be had. We all had a hell
of a good time
this weekend -- but why should we be the only ones?
And to you losers who *still* think the Church of the
SubGenius is
nothing but a lame joke: FUCK YOU. When YOU manage
to get together a
weekend as fun-filled, eventful, and SLACKFUL as X-Day,
when EVERYONE
pitches in to help each other have an amazingly good
time, then maybe
I'll start to think that we're not the greatest religion
EVER on this
mudball planet. But somehow I doubt that I'll see any
better religion
until the end of the world.
Which, by the way, is less than a year from now.
X-DAY V - V for VENGEANCE!
PRAISE "BOB!"
--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pic by Nenslo