Lil's Tampa Rant

From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@subgenius.com>

[With notes edited out, and sections cut from the live rant added --Lil]

Yes, dear friends, I'm sure some of you are a little confused by now about the Rupture.

First we thought the Men From Planet X and the Pleasure Saucers Of The Sex Goddesses would arrive on July 5, 1998, and save us from the Conspiracy Of Normals. Then we went, "OK, 'Bob' fucked up, but that was just a TEST. It's really going to be in 1999. Nostrodamus says so.

And 1999 came and went.

And so we said, "Triple X Day! Get Off or Get Screwed!" And I explained how we were double-crossed, and therefore crossed again, and therefore DIDN'T CROSS TO START WITH, and so we had to cross on over THIS TIME, or else we'd be crossed one time too many.

Ahem. Well, here it is, two months BEFORE the very last date possible for the Xists to show up, according to Dateline For Dominance.

But already, many of you are displaying skepticism about the possibility of the Xists arriving EVER, or at least before the year 8661, just because "8661" is "1998" written upside-down.

YE OF LITTLE FAITH.

You may as well be a pissant Gimme-Bob if that's how little you believe the PreScriptures!

Now, call me a RELIGIOUS NUT if you must, but I believe it's a bit PREMATURE to say the Word of "Bob" is inaccurate. Sometimes, yes, it takes a little bit of creative interpretation to make sense of it, but I tell you, the Book Of The SubGenius has YET to fail me.

For instance: Dateline For Dominance clearly predicts for 1995 that Jackie Onassis would marry Divine. Then Divine died. A few simpering amateur theologians tried to use that as proof that the Prescriptures were IN ERROR.

But then, hail "Connie", Jackie Onassis DIED THAT VERY YEAR, and now she and Divine are joined forever in Heaven. OH YES DEAR FRIENDS, AIN'T IT TRUE?!?

And so, dear friends, let me tell you something else that is true, but that we couldn't really say before:

The Xists are already among us.

The bad news is, they refuse to reveal themselves unless we come up with a few more blue canisters' worth of Bobbie souls.

Now, I'm not really talking about YOUR soul, mind you. We only hold onto a tiny bit of it, and of your mind, as a deposit, "just in case".

But right now, there's only 10,000 SubGeniuses whose name has been in the Book Of Life. If you think that's enough to close any kind of deal, you're sorely mistaken.

Furthermore, I don't recall ANYWHERE in the PreScriptures that say that the Xists and the Pleasure Saucers are ONE IN THE SAME.

Think about THAT. We knew when the Xists were arriving, but did we ever know when the PLEASURE SHIPS were coming? HELL NO.

I think we've been PRESUMING a bit.

And you know what you get when you PRESUME. You get a PRES out of U and ME.

I don't know about all you, but I'm SICK of pres.

No more! The Pleasure Saucers will get here when we have enough memberships, and that's all there is to it.

So those of you who haven't even brought one more $30 love offering to "Bob" can BLAME YOURSELVES that we're still here.

THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW YA, SMARTY-PANTS!

Now will you listen when we tell you it's not JUST a joke? I mean, sure, it's a particularly SubGenius attitude to be able to LAUGH when things have gone to hell, but if you're still LAUGHING tonight that's only because things are HAVE STILL GONE TO HELL.

Seriously--and I am being utterly sincere here--I have had my fair share of damned spooky Church "reality inversions," sometimes with "Bob"'s name scrawled illegibly across the bottom, but lately with "Connie"'s sweet presence wafting in the air, ah yes....

But, alas, my first one was with that which the insane call NHEE GHEE.

At least he only screwed with my head a little bit, JUST ENOUGH TO DO ME SOME GOOD, and then went away.

I WAS LUCKY. I've heard REAL stories that make my VERY frightening run-in look like CHARITY in comparison.

And he only had two things to say. I will not repeat one of those two things in public. Ever. It had to do with ontological implications of his name, which I've repeated ENOUGH tonight. The implications are HIDEOUS.

But I will share the other one. I've got this running joke that "Thou Art God" is the main lesson of Mysticism 101. Well, for Mysticism 102, guess who my teacher was. That's right, EeHeeg EeHeen, He Who Might Not Come If You Say His Name Backwards, Whose Mere Initials Makes Us Pee In Fear, came to me and told me this:

"Sure, you're 'God', but you're also the GODDAMN DEVIL TOO."

Took me YEARS to come to grips with that experience, but DAMN AM I GLAD.

It made things easier when Bobco bought out Hell from Lucifer, that's for sure.

But, I'll tell you a secret about magick that I hope you don't have to be told in the first place. If you don't call it up, you don't have to put it down. I was the dumbass who wrote a SONG ABOUT EE-HEEG EE-HEEN, came up with the EeHeeg EeHeen DREIDL, and wouldn't shut up about Him That I Best Shut Up About. In fact, I better shut up about him right now.

More importantly there's plenty of dumbass demons, elementals, and other cut-rate spirits who'll pretend to be "Bob," or JHVH-1, or Ramtha, Jesus, Britney Spears, whatever... but their lucklessness and impotence comes out in the end.

So remember, you can't believe a voice just because it says it's "Bob". You may have just had a run-in with a tulpa. Or it may be another SubGenius telepathically goofing around.

As Yeti half-breeds, most of us have vestigal remains of our telepathic powers, at best, but it is still in use, for example, to compel one to leave the room just seconds before the boss arrives with a project, or the Significant Other with a chore.

Likewise we can use it to return to a room just as someone breaks out the frop. But it's all SubConsciously -- you don't "know" about the chore or the frop, but your SLACK "knows", and will seek more Slack with which to commune and grow, IF YOU WILL BUT ONLY LET IT.

So take it from The Prophet Lilith -- leave the invisible monsters to the professionals. IN ALL THINGS, SLACK MUST COME FIRST, and if there is no Slack to be had from invisible, why, you know what you can do?

Why, you can FUCK IT.

Goodnight, thank you, hail "Connie," and praise "Bob"!

--
=====Her Ladyship Rev Dkr St Popess Lilith von Fraumench, Esquire===== ===Prophet===Corrective Phrenologist===Supreme Commandrix===Devivor=== ==SSUCC 4739 University Way NE #1302 Seattle WA 98105 (877)=381-9354== ====Web: ssucc.ragnarokr.com = foolspress.com = mp3.com/foolspress====

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Original file name: Lil's Tampa Rant - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:31