THINGS YOU MUST BRING TO X-DAY

IrRev. Friday Jones

See also: WISTERIA'S SUGGESTIONS

 
EXTRA SHOES. The ground gets very, very, very damp outdoors sometimes. And all that chasing of naked wood nymphs and fauns will get your shoes mighty soggy. Bring two pair and one can dry while you wear the other. Thigh-high boots (so long as they're waterproof) would also make an acceptable fashion statement.

EXTRA SOCKS. See above. Semi-dry shoes can become quite tolerable if worn with dry socks.

WARM CLOTHING. It will probably be fairly hot, but pack some clothes you'd bring to a brisk, damp fall vacation trip just in case. A raincoat. A TENT. If you can't afford a new tent, buy a used one. If you can't buy a tent, get a waterproof tarp, a ground cloth, a bodybag, SOMETHING.

FOOD. Not just nibblies, potato chips etc., but good solid food that does not require heating. If you want hot food at all hours, bring a gas stove. There will be food for sale onsite, but having your own is still advised. Don't forget a water bottle, and a can opener. Don't leave your food in your tent - the raccoons and chupacabras can open zippers, combination locks etc. So far they have shown little aptitude for opening car doors, so try putting your food in a vehicle or latched box at night.

A FLASHLIGHT. And spare batteries.

TOILETRIES. Soap, shampoo, a razor, and more than one towel - towels are slow to dry if it rains. MONEY. Bills of both large and small denomination will flow quickly out of your hands into the hands of the eager vendors, desperate to deplete their stock before the Final Account Balancing. And you never know when "Bob" will show up and strip down to his mirrored G-string and start dancing around, so having money to stuff in his basket is a necessity. If Stang strips down to his G-string and starts dancing around, the money can also be used as an impromptu blindfold.

DIRECTIONS ON GETTING TO (AND FROM) WISTERIA. It's amazing how many people forget this minor detail.

THINGS YOU SHOULD BRING

CAMERAS. Video cameras, antique 9.5mm cameras, 3-D cameras, every sort of camera! Bring extra camcorder batteries, video cassettes, film etc. We want to leave LOTS of evidence of what FUN we had before we left. AUDIO RECORDERS. See above.

A RADIO. SubGenius radio stations may be broadcasting onsite, and you'll want to experience the full Sensurround effect. Also, special bulletins will be broadcast periodically on the radio about upcoming events, sacrifices etc.

FIRST AID KIT. Even if it's just a tube of neosporin and some Band-Aids, it's better than nothing.

EXTRA TOILETRIES. Extra soap, some tampons, aspirin, needle & thread - those little things that are always in reach except when you aren't at home. SEXUAL PROTECTION. Condoms, morning-after pills, diaphragms, foam, what have you - even if you've never needed them before, you will probably need them here.
TRASH BAGS. There may be plenty of trash cans onsite, but it's still a thoughtful gesture to bag your own offal and haul it away. Even if all you do is haul it into orbit and then drop it on your mean next-door neighbor.

THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO BRING TO GROUND ZERO

OFFERINGS. It's traditional to leave little gifts of food, drink, flowers etc. at the campsite or trailer of the Church Hierarchy member(s) you most admire. It is always charming to see this tiny altars of wood, decked with daisies and piled with tiny cakes and bottles of absinthe, and to see the starving Hierarchites fight each other tooth and nail to get the first bite. A note: do not set up your offering at night, as the raccoons will eat it. If you set it up in the predawn chill, the deer and rabbits will eat it. Try to lay out all such offerings while the sun is in the sky.

BATTLE GEAR: If you plan to participate within the Circle of Life at the Battle of Armageddon, you will be struck many times by blunt objects. Plan on protecting yourself - hockey armor, leather clothes, exoskeleton, whatever looks best on film.

COSTUMES. Masks, cloaks, capes, face paint, frilly dresses, whatever. There will be many performances, concerts, Rants-On-And-On-And-Ons, parades and sacrifices to attend and you want to look your BEST! After the Battle of Armageddon, there will be a Victory Bonfire: if the Holocaustals win they will get drunk around the fire and brand the captured Ivangelical women and rape them, and if the Ivangelicals win they will Frop around the fire and teach the captured Holocaustal women that sex can actually be pleasurable for all five people involved. In any case, much nude dancing around the fire is sure to occur and dancing in a mask will make you less inhibited about it.

GALLONS OF FAKE BLOOD. 1001 uses. Blood Wrestling just wouldn't be the same without the blood.

DECORATIONS. Streamers, flags, banners, party hats, firecrackers, light-up UFOs, noisemakers, whatever would add to the festive occasion! A GENERATOR TRUCK. If you have one, uses will definitely be found for it.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT BRING TO GROUND ZERO, WISTERIA

GUNS. Only official Church Security Ghouloons are permitted to carry deadly weapons at Wisteria. In accordance with weapons testing procedures, any person found carrying a deadly weapon will be have it tested against them to see if it is really deadly. EXPLOSIVES OVER THE .5 MEGATON RANGE. Sorry, only the Church is allowed to detonate nuclear weapons at the Wisteria Testing Grounds. HAIR DRYERS, HOT PLATES, CRAY COMPUTERS. Sorry, no electricity is to be used for the comforting of your profane flesh. Bands get FIRST SHOT at the electrical outlets. If you must have your electrical doohickeys, bring a generator.

ITEMS WITH WHICH TO KILL EVERY FURRY ANIMAL THAT CROSSES YOUR PATH. You kill it, you eat it. Whole. Raw. While being videotaped from several unflattering angles. No chewing allowed. Those who refuse to eat that which they have killed will have the animal fed into their food-processing unit from the elimination end, if you know what I mean and I think you do.