There are idiots on this planet who call themselves Republicans. There are
idiots on this planet who call themselves Democrats. They are all idiots.
There are Republicans in Congress who want to tell us what to read, and what
to buy, and what to see and do and think and say. There are Democrats in
Congress who want to tell us what to read, and what to buy, and what to see
and do and think and say. The Republicans blame everything on the
Democrats. The Democrats blame everything on the Republicans.
The Republicans, apparently working as a hive-mind, all want more guns, more
prayer, less abortion, and more money for the rich. The Democrats, apparently
functioning as a singular intellect, all want more rules, more apologies, less
responsibility, and more money for the whales. THEY ARE ALL WRONG.
There is only one thing the government needs to do: prevent other
governments from attacking this country. THAT'S IT. Every single other thing
that is done by the government in this country either is, can be, should be,
or HAS to be done by private organizations. Not Con^Hrporations, mind you,
but organizations. The government has an unbroken winning-streak when it
comes to screwing up simple procedures. The schools are inefficient. The
drugs are not only defiantly rampant but an inspiration for gang and
gangster activity nationwide. The roads are full of potholes and the abortion
clinics are full of bulletholes. the fact is, education, drug counseling, road-
repair, medicine, and other essential works are PERFORMED by individuals;
they are, however, ADMINISTERED by the government. See the problem?
P.J. O'Rourke once isolated an aspect of the problem with our government.
"There are," he explained, "FOUR ways in which money may be spent.
"One. You spend your own money on yourself. For instance, you're buying a
car. In this case, obviously, you are going to make sure that you A) Spend as
little money as possible, and B) Get as good a car as possible. Right?
"Two. You spend your own money on someone else. For instance, you're
buying a wedding present. Well, as we all know, while you WILL try to spend
as little money as possible, it's the "THOUGHT" that counts, so you might end
up buying a piece of world-class garbage, and not lose any sleep over it.
"Three. You spend someone else's money on yourself. For instance, you're
Anna Nicole Smith, and you're spending Grandpappy Hubby's (alright, you can
stop playing with your plastic tits, you're not ACTUALLY Anna Nicole Smith,
I'm making a point here) millions on a fur coat. Now, let's face it, the credit
limits are out the door, but, since YOU are going to be seen at the Oscars in
this coat, it had better be a doozy. So quality IS an issue.
"FOUR. You spend someone else's money on someone else. For instance, you're
the government, and you're building a bridge for Pink County, Wisconsin. YOU
DON'T GIVE A SHIT HOW MUCH YOU SPEND ON THE BRIDGE, SINCE IT ISN'T
YOUR MONEY ANYWAY, AND BESIDES, THERE'S ALWAYS MORE WHERE THAT CAME
FROM, AND YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THE BRIDGE FALLS DOWN TWO DAYS
AFTER THE LAST RIVET IS WELDED INTO PLACE, BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER
GOING TO HAVE TO USE THAT BRIDGE!"
Neat, huh?
This is besides the fact that CONgress is immutable. Like a rock. Congress
makes the laws. The laws make sure that the Conspiracy of Rich Fucks stays
rich. The Rich Fucks all either bribe, sleep with, or ARE lawyers. Congress is
mostly composed of Rich Fucks, lawyers, or the occassional ineffectual rube
thrown in for flavor. Gee, I wonder why things are so screwed up for ME, the
"little guy"?
Republicans and Democrats both want to spend our money on a lot of things.
Here is a list of the things the government DOESN'T need my money for:
EDUCATION: Everyone agrees that the current school system is a cross
between a Mafia, a jungle, a prison and a brainwashing center. None of those
are places I want to spend any time in. But we don't "need to change the
system". I hate the word "system". Local red brick schoolhouses were never
part of any "system". They had a teacher you knew and liked, and you
learned along with kids you knew, if not liked. None of this bussing,
regimental, get-em-in, get-em-out SAT bullshit. Besides, we all know how
preposterously bloated school administrations are. SCHOOLS ARE PLACES
WHERE PEOPLE GO TO LEARN. PERIOD. THEY DON'T NEED ADMINISTRATIONS!!!
PARKS: We don't need a Parks Department. Parks are grassy areas with trees.
Most grassy areas with trees don't need administrations or expensive upkeep.
Trees are infamous for growing independently of budgeting cycles. Park
upkeep is simple: if you live near a park, and you use it, then don't throw
shit on the ground. Maybe help mow; throw a barbeque once in a while.
Simple, eh?
SCHOOL LUNCHES: When I was a kid, my mom made me a bag lunch. I helped.
She drew little funny animals having fun around my name on the bag. My 3rd
grade teacher even collected the bags from me when I was done with lunch,
becuase she thought they were so cute. Nice story, eh? The moral? BRING
YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH! It's cheaper, safer, and more nutritious. Less
styrofoam, too. If you can't afford lunch... well, we're getting to that.
TRANSPORTATION: These busses, trains, and so forth are all private
organizations anyway. Why are we paying taxes for them? In New York, the
"Department of Transit" is complaining that lower taxes will mean higher
subway fares. I don't see the connection. I'm paying $1.25 a ride already. If
that isn't enough, then TOUGH SHIT: you shouldn't have gotten to the point
where you were living off someone else's handouts anyway. If you think I'm
picking up after your dumb ass, you've got several things coming on the
"ANOTHER" train. Dig a hole, sleep in it.
ROADS: Same thing. Pay a guy to fix the fucking road. No hassle, no fat juicy
contracts: fix the fucking road, or we'll pay someone ELSE to.
HOUSING: There is plenty of space around for everyone. It's a fact. We aren't
YET at the point where we are packed in like sardines, or like the Japanese.
Who owns all the fucking land, anyway? We make a big joke out of "buying
Manhattan from the Injuns for $24 worth of trinkets." HAW HAW! Folks, I
happen to agree with the Indians. They didn't sell Whitey Manhattan: they
thought they were pulling the hides over white-man's eyes, getting $24 for
dick. "White man say he own land," the Indians laughed to each other, "White
man pick up whole land and put on ship: take back to Whitey-town!" Oh, the
Indians must have whooped it up, wondering what the fuck paleface meant
when he said that a portion of the surface of the planet was now CONTROLLED
by and PROPERTY of only SOME of g/God's creatures. They soon found out
what that meant ... the hard way.
So did we. Someone, whether we like it or not, managed to get everyone else
who "matters" to agree that the surface of the planet marked by Square "X"
is now CON-TROLLED by Them. If you want to live on that Square, you have
to do what they say. You're their dog, now. Neat, eh?
Property IS theft, in this case. I got no CHOICE but to live somewhere that
someone has stolen from everyone else, becuase there ISN'T ANY FUCKING
SPACE LEFT!!! THEY have it all, whoever the fuck "THEY" are. Anyway, back
to the de-TAXation list...
SOCIAL SECURITY: Oh, this is the biggest fucking joke in the book. What is
Social Security? It's agreeing to put a portion of each paycheck into a
metaphorical jar, and being handed the jar again when you're too old to enjoy
it! "Oh", you say, "but the system works because not everyone who puts
money INTO the system LIVES to COLLECT it!" You call that WORKING!?!?
Gambling on a death-rate that is quickly dwindling ANYWAY!?!? I say, let them
keep that portion of their money: if they are too STUPID and SHORT-SIGHTED
to prepare for their old-age THEMSELVES, then FUCK EM! The seeeenyur
citizens are the fastest-growing portion of the population. Every goddam
study done on the SS System says that it's due to implode, explode, collapse
or die of AIDS sometime in the next 2 decades or less. So why the fuck are
they still taking all that money out of MY paycheck? I'M NOT EVEN GONNA
FUCKING BE HERE AFTER 1998!!!
The list goes on and on... Fact is, I can handle myself just fine. Leave me the
fuck alone, Big Brother.
PART II TO FOLLOW AFTER I GET SOME SLEEP.
-------- SIG WORKS BUT NOT WHEN I AM BUSY HAVING SEX WITH IT...
<{[(0)]}> <--- This is the All-Seeing Eye of the O.L.I.N.Y.K., and
is designed to scan your system for fish.
The A-SEotOLINYK is under liscence of Fred Aluminum-Alloy, Grand
Clavister of New York City and Inventor of the Brainbox (nTM)
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Subject: Government Rant
From: iceknife@ashram.com (ICEKNIFE)
------you wrote----------
: The list goes on and on... Fact is, I can handle myself just fine. Leave me t
: fuck alone, Big Brother.
GET UP, EXHALE, SCREAM, AND KNOW THIS:
Big Bother isn't going to "leave you the fuck alone". He's gonna fuck ya, and
he's gonna fuck ya deep, and he's gonna fuck ya slow, and you don't have to
take it, but you DO have options: make him court you like a gentleman! Make
him KISS you while he fucks you, squueze his balls 'til he FUCKIN' FAINTS,
jam your tounge down HIS throat, and make the rat bastard buy you flowers and
camndy and clothes and cars and boats and saucers and shit...
Re-action is a suckers game. Do what the fuck you want. Where and whenever
possible, IGNORE "authority". They're old, and will DIE BEFORE YOU DO.
You realize that if we can convert the planet, put the con in "normal zoos"
and wait for the aliens, we could just jam a couple of vectorcollapse(TM)
engines up Tazmania's ass and fly the whole fucking planet outta here.
we could leave a note or something
ICEKNIFE
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