LIVE, FROM THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR, THIS... IS NENSLO.
"Am I insane? I'll let you be the judge of that after you read my book
or read my story." - Dan Ashwander
Here is my story. I thought my internet account was paid up until the
end of February, so was prepared to let it lapse at that point, for reasons
which will be elaborated below. It seems that my usual mathematical
incapacity was in effect, since I am actually paid through the end of
March. After that... well, we'll see.
Since I don't have, and can't afford, a modem for the clanking macplus
in the office of Master Control Programming, I have been using the
fabulous full-color Captiva or Amuline or whatever they call the glorious
device at the heart of Mrs. Nenslo's command center in the Kooks Museum.
Naturally, since I was having so much fun I was staying in Mrs. Nenslo's
personal space WAY TOO LONG with the results you might expect; Mrs.
Nenslo quietly said something and Mr. Nenslo FREAKED OUT, arguing that
Mrs. Nenslo never wanted him to have any fun, etc., all the stupid things
this mighty but malfunctioning mentality could think of, ending with the
vow never to set foot in wifey's holy temple again, and so on. What a
dope. I thought it was a lucky coincidence that the account was running
out then, but it wasn't running out. Not for another month.
Well, I can still use Mrs. Nenslo's machine, but just not as much, and
only in odd hours and only with much quavering and apprehension on my
part. And I just don't have the money to pay for another three months on
the net. Here's where you come in.
I only need thirty-five bucks to buy another three months of net
access, or sixty dollars for SIX months. (I also need a job, a life, some
prozac, etc but I won't try to stick anyone with that.) So I am starting,
here and now, the first ever NET-A-THON to save Nenslo's net access.
That's right, I'm turning to you, my friends, and this is NOT a joke. I
need thirty-five bucks by the end of March, and if I don't get it I'm off.
It's that simple. If you like having Nenslo posting his dopey rants and
snapping peevishly at nitwits, if you see the slightest merit in what I've
done, I'm asking you to show it in a way that will really count. I know it
will require actually manipulating paper and moving away from the
keyboard a little bit, but I'm asking you to put a single dollar bill in an
envelope and mail it to me at Box 86582 Portland OR 97286 USA. At his
point we have half a month to work with so if you do it right away I can
pay my bill and stay on. If I don't get the money I'll just be gone, and
probably better for everybody. If I can't find thirty-five people out of
the thousands who are reading this who want me around enough to mail
me a dollar, then I don't deserve to be here and you folks don't need me.
I know I've shovelled a lot of dung here in the past but this is the
straight poop. I'm actually telling you the truth. If I get my money I stay
on, if I don't I'm gone. I'm not going to belabor the point, but I'll try to
keep this posted until I find out for sure if I'm here or gone, and I'll even
post the names of contributors in a roster of glory, unless otherwise
requested, so you can brag to the world that you helped save Nenslo. So
that's it. If you like me, send me a dollar. If you don't, don't. It's like
voting. I'm sorry I can't provide those of you who really HATE me with a
means of taking away a dollar, but I'm not that much into being "fair"
anyway.
Since I wrote the above, I've been to the Bagdad Theatre to see a
matinee of the 5000 Fingers of Dr. T., and then to the Mystery Hole where
the modem question was resolved. MasConProg will get its own modem.
The Mystery Hole has worked its magic once more.
And one last thing to any IDIOTS who may be reading this. Don't waste
my time or patience emailing me to ask what you'll get if you do send me
a dollar, or explaining some stupid reason which you think is cute or
witty why you don't intend to, because I DON'T CARE. I'm not writing to
you. I'm writing to SMART PEOPLE. But then the stupid people probably
didn't even get this far, and have already done some moronic followup
which you can read right after this and shake your head in wonder at how
people can have so little to say and still insist on saying it. Or there
just might be one of our Better Conversationalists who have something
to add that is actually worth reading. What will it be?
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
The rest is silence.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: MONTYKINS@news.delphi.com (MONTYKINS@DELPHI.COM)
If Nenslo doesn't get thirty-five dollars by the end of the month, "Bob"
will call him home.
_I'm_ sending a buck.
-Monty
--
Always up for a good Oral Roberts line.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
DO IT, MAN!! DO IT FOR NENSLO!! SEND THAT BUCK!! I DID! Honest, and it was
the LAST PHYSICAL DOLLAR in my EARTHLY WALLET. After doing it, I felt
GOOD. I felt I'd gotten a BARGAIN. Why, I would have sent TWO dollars if I
had two! If I had a million bucks, I would have sent him the whole $60!
(Maybe just $55.)
HAS IT REALLY COME TO THIS, that NENSLO, the very EINSTEIN of HATE, the
SAGE of ALT.SLACK, the BURR IN THE SOCK OF THE CHURCH, is forced to grovel
and beg like a WHIPPED ANIMAL right in front of everybody! I am ASHAMED
that already it's two days later and this thread isn't MILES AND MILES of
ENTREATIES for Nenslo to BUCK UP and know that EVEN HE, in his PETTY
SPITEFULLNESS, is LOVED ... by someone.
Well, let me be first to say, "I LOVE YOU, NENSLO! HERE'S MY DOLLAR!"
And I won't push "SEND" until I've LICKED THE STAMP.
"Nenslo JUSTIFIES the REST of it!" -- J.R."Bob" Dobbs (originally talking
about Nenslo's possible use as a patsy in a white collar swindle that
never came about, Boardchamber tape 5-7-79)
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: rwo@raptor.eng.ufl.edu (Jesus with Anchovies)
Now this is what I *like* about the Church of the SubGenius. Stang and
NENSLO and the others are TOTALLY UNABASHED about asking for our money.
It all happens right up front. "Send me some money or I'm out of here!"
None of this "I want to *save* you, but first I got a burnin' desire...
Baby, let me stand next to your fire." I mean right here, the Mighty
Nenslo, the Assinated Nenmaster himself, has hand drawn a sign for us:
###
# # # # # #
# # # # # #
# # # # # #
# # ## # # # #
# ## ## # # #
### # # # ###### ######
##### #### #### ##### ###### #### #####
# # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # #### # ##### # # # #
##### # # # # # # # #####
# # # # # # # # # # #
# #### #### # # #### # #
##### ##### #######
# # # # # #
# # # #
##### ##### ######
# # # #
# # # # # # #
##### ##### #####
I like that. It's honest. He needs your money. No hidden agenda.
Do it. Send ONE dollar. I will. Will you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: ch-ching!
From: mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend)
That's the sound of another oozin' worshipper coughing up the cash for NENSLO:
TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net> wrote:
>: I'm sending NENSLO a
>: buck, because every page he writes, that I AM FORCED BY MY
>: DOBBSIAN PROGRAMMING TO READ, reduces the amount per hour that I
>: pay for this slackful enterprise. The more NENSLO writes, the
>: cheaper my internet account gets...IT SAVES ME MONEY TO SEND HIM
>: MONEY! ...Dobbsian Logic (tm.) all rights reserved
Can't argue with that! Send your pledges to box 86582 Portland OR 97286.
--
>>>Dad's Fabulous Tape Exchange<<<
**Send a tape. Get a tape. It's that easy!**
Mail to: Dad's New Slacks - P.O. Box 4272 - Portland, Maine 04101-4272
::::or email me for more info:::::
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Do yew know what hew er?
From: rwo@raptor.eng.ufl.edu (Jesus on the Half Shell)
Y'all er Take-Out Food for the Elder Gods, that's what yer are!
An' send NENSLO some money 'cause he is a Virtuous Person
and I like to read his postings.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
jnangano@ix.netcom.com (L.Nangano) wrote:
> Nenslo, I left you email and I'd really like to strike up a
> correspondence.
>
> Lynn
Uh, hi, Lynn, this is Nenslo. Just ignore my fake address. And pay no
attention to that creep on teleport.com. So... what did you want to talk
about?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
SURVIVAL UPDATE
Folks, the donations are trickling in. As of today, friday the
17th of March we have received:
One Dollar, and INSULTING MESSAGE from a raggedy-ass son of a
Buck who doesn't even have enough sense to live in the Only Real Portland
in America, who won't even get his name put up here because... well just
because. THANKS, DAD. Wait'll you get the tape I'm making for you.
You'll wish you'd never heard the word "tape."
A HEFTY FIN, that's five smackeroonies to you, from a wisely
anonymous Sacramentan who included this discreet message, "Hell, it's
worth it." Yesser, if HELL ain't worth five bucks, what's heaven gonna
be like?
So you see, we're gettin there, gettin close to making ME the
only reader-supported person on the entire internet. We're MAKING
HISTORY HERE FOLKS! This is your big, and maybe ONLY chance to be part
of history, and send ONE DOLLAR to keep me on the net. And listen, if I
only get 35 bucks that'll pay for THREE WHOLE MONTHS of ME ME ME, for YOU
YOU YOU!!! And then we'll just have to do it all again. But if we hit
SIXTY, then I won't have to do this again for SIX MONTHS!!
Here's the standard pledge week rap, you can skip it if you want,
or read it as satire: Where else can you get all the swell whatever it
is that I offer you here in my little corner of cyberspace? And it costs
so little. You can't wait for your neighbor to do it. So call now, make
your pledge, we've got plenty of lines still open, look at these nice
people who've volunteered to spend their evening here to take your
pledges, and we're just asking you to take a little time to call in now.
For your million-dollar pledge we're offering this fantastic free gift,
an imported collapsible umbrella with Nenslo's grimacing face on it, you
can use it in either sun or rain, it opens and closes. For a TEN million
dollar pledge we'll send you this beautiful shot glass with the Master
Control atomic brain logo, and the slogan... something.. this one's a
little blurred, but it's a fine shot glass which will give you hours of
enjoyment, and just for calling and making a pledge we'll give you this
free computer magnet with the Atomic Brain on it, you know most
refrigerator magnets aren't strong enough to stick to the side of your
computer, but this will grab right on to the metal of your drive, or even
the magnetic coating of a disc and really cling. It's great, so go to
your phone, call now. And, okay, let's get back to our classic film of
the evening, That great classic Jules And Jim, directed by the great
Jaques Renoir.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: ncm5662@is2.nyu.edu (Nicole C. Michaud)
Rev. Ivan Stang (i.stang@metronet.com) wrote:
: Uh, hi, Lynn, this is Nenslo. Just ignore my fake address. And pay no
: attention to that creep on teleport.com. So... what did you want to talk
: about?
Hi Nenslo! My name's Lynn! I have stuffed Rev. Nickie in a closet and
taken her account. Let's see... why don't we talk about dustmites!
--Lynn
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Nicole C. Michaud (ncm5662@is2.nyu.edu) wrote:
: Rev. Ivan Stang (i.stang@metronet.com) wrote:
: Hi Nenslo! My name's Lynn!
HI EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS GOD. I'M COMING TO KILL YOU NOW.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: ncm5662@is2.nyu.edu (Nicole C. Michaud)
L. Nangano (jnangano@ix.netcom.com) wrote:
: Nenslo, I left you email and I'd really like to strike up a
: correspondence.
: Lynn
No, Lynn, I don't think you would.
---Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Can this NENSLO be saved?
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Now, you kids quit goofing around. It's hard enough figuring out this net
stuff without you all becoming different people.
--
L. Ron Hubbard The PsychoCommodore is On.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Nenslo
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Sven Serrano (sven.serrano@jix.gol.com) wrote:
: I pledge 500 yen (approx $5.40) to the tattered but still flying freak
: flag which flies over the liberated land of NENSLO!
: ---
Funny you should mention that. This morning I had a dream. I
was lost in a city in the snow, and I didn't have my luggage, and I was
so sad and lonely and depressed I was WEEPING, and I could really feel it
in my chest and eyes, the burning clutching hand of sorrow. Suddenly I
saw a flag, a pennant really, a two-tailed pennant in purple with three
crowns on it in gold and red in a triangular array. A woman's voice
spoke words something like "Prize (or keep or preserve) this for
continuing to live your life." Well, it wasn't those words, it was a
nonverbal message that let me know that if I treasured this flag and what
it symbolizes my path through life will be made smoother. I felt a lot
better, comforted. So there you go. Nihon Ichiban.
Ne nu su ro
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: YOU ARE A WINNER!
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
A BRILLIANT VICTORY FOR US ALL!
Yes, friends, we did it! NENSLO IS STILL ON, and for another SIX
MONTHS paid by your LOVING CONTRIBUTIONS! This is the world's only
reader-supported internet ministry!
You sure opened your wallets to this old grouch, I have to say that.
It just proves something. I don't know what, but something. Listen,
you folks were so generous I could have paid for another YEAR, but I
didn't. AND WHY??? Well, you can't tell what will happen. There were
some rumors for a while that my server would be eliminating shell
accounts and upgrade everything to IP, so I figure, why not dedicate
the rest of that money to MAKING ME GET THE PRINTING URGE AGAIN!
Those fat juicy dollars are sitting here saying "GIVE ME TO A PRINTER!
I WANT TO GO OUT AND GET ME SOME BABY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"
And by gabb that's exactly what's going to happen!
I got the old atomic brain hooked up here in the Master Control
office, went out to the used tool store and got a footlong drill bit for
JUST ONE of your fine dollars, and put that hole right through the wall,
strung the phoneline through, and now have hooked up the modem a saintly
friend swapped for Mrs. Nenslo's old Teleport Bronze which I couldn't even
plug into the steam-powered MasConPuter, and now except for the fact that
I can't get the dag blagged thing to SHUT OFF ITS GODAWFUL RACKET no
matter what init string I put into it EVERYTHING IS PERFECT! I'm even
EMPLOYED ALL NEXT WEEK! Damn! Something's just about to go REAL BAD
WRONG, I can just FEEL it.
So I can at least type this up and not have to put it on a damn disc
and carry it downstairs to the Kooks museum!
Enough about me. Every fine person who sent a contribution (and
it's not too late yet! you can STILL get your money in!) is already on
the mailing list to receive the ALL-NEW REALISATION 95 just about
ready to get written here and printed up in HUGE quantities and mailed
all over the place.
Here, then, is the Master Control HALL OF FAME- and although some
of you went FAR BEYOND the bounds of reason or even good taste in the
amount of your fantastic generosity, YOU ARE ALL EXTRA-SPECIAL TO ME.
Every contribution is just as important as every other one! That's why
I'm not saying who sent what - if you really want the world to know,
you'll have to figure out a way to brag about it without looking like a
total jerk (good luck). Here, then, is the Master Control HALL OF FAME-
and I'd like to take special notice here of the ANONYMOUS DONORS, the
holiest of all, who cast their bread upon the waters with pure generosity
of spirit and no hope of reward - especially our UNKNOWN BRITISH FRIEND.
You know what a truly good person you are. Thanks.
Here, then, is the Master Control HALL OF FAME- in no particular order
M. Townsend, that old "DAD" from Portland Maine
MR. JUICY - a true KING among men
PAUL LYNCH - THANKS PAUL!
Joe Swine - his money's pink, so his soul must be GREEN
The ever-present BDB!
REV. S-BO!
Mighty MODEMAC!
The womanly TarlaStar!
ONE of the DAVID LYNCHES!
Bill T. Miller the OBE man! LickOBE@aol.com for NOISE!
DYNASOAR!
The GREAT GREAT R. OMER!
E. McKinney who's great too!
Good old Sphinx Drummond!
And of course, my good butty REV! IVAN! STANG!
It really SEEMS like there should be more here, and knowing my
lack of system I'll bet there are some I missed. If so, TELL ME so you
can see your name up in lights. There are probably even more dollars still
on the way, and they will be duly acknowledged as they arrive. You still
have LOTS of time to get that contribution in the mail and be part of the
NENSLO family! Don't be like BAD OLD DR. BILL who emailed me to say he
was going to send me TEN DOLLARS and didn't have a stamp handy and then
SPENT IT, and he might send me ONE dollar pretty soon. DON'T BE LIKE HIM!
Your "good intentions" are WORTHLESS TO ME! CASH MONEY PLEASE, AND FOR
GOD SAKE NO ONE-DOLLAR CHECKS!!!! I just get so mad when I get a one
dollar check, they cost EVERYBODY money. SEND CASH THROUGH THE MAIL! I
got a dollar on my wall RIGHT NOW somebody just wrote my name on it with
magic marker and stuck it in the mail no stamp or anything, and the post
office put it in an envelope and marked it found loose in mails and sent
it to me. So don't worry, don't wait, DON'T EVEN STOP TO THINK! Send
that dollar right now and get on the advance mailing list for REALISATION
95! If you were ever lucky enough to even see for a minute the now
permanently discontinued ANVIL, the MASTER CONTROL SECRET REPORT, or the
WORLD SUBGENIUS PILGRIMAGE UPDATE NEWSLETTER you know REALISATION 95 is
going to be GREAT!!! JUST GREAT!! So DON'T DELAY, DO IT TODAY! Okay?
OKAY!
This is a reader-supported ministry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: YOU ARE A WINNER!
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
mrjuicy@rain.org wrote:
> NENSLO (nenslo@teleport.com) wrote:
> : A BRILLIANT VICTORY FOR US ALL!
>
> :Yes, friends, we did it! NENSLO IS STILL ON, and for another SIX
> : MONTHS paid by your LOVING CONTRIBUTIONS! This is the world's only
> : reader-supported internet ministry!
>
> ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY NENSLO!!!
>
> : Enough about me. Every fine person who sent a contribution (and
> : it's not too late yet! you can STILL get your money in!) is already on
> : the mailing list to receive the ALL-NEW REALISATION 95 just about
> : ready to get written here and printed up in HUGE quantities and mailed
> : all over the place.
>
> you mean i get something out of this other than the ambient slack from
> you posts?
>
> YOU BASTARD!!!
>
> everyone else send in a buck...
Somebody needs to tell Bob Black that we robot-like SubGenii OVERPAY
NENSLO just to BITCH AND GRIPE at us about what ROBOTS we are!
You cannot imagine what that would do to him, were he capable of really
understanding it. And then there's the old, "Hey Bob, guess what Nenslo's
DOING RIGHT NOW?" -- but that would be just too cruel. I'm saving that one
for the PERFECT moment.
Eh - eh - eh...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Hall of SHAME
From: ricky@usenet.nerdc.ufl.edu (Pizza Jesus)
NENSLO (nenslo@teleport.com) wrote:
: Sickening isn't it? Can you believe such SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS?
: Then trying to make up for it LITERALLY a dollar short and a day late.
: The world is FULL of PITIFUL WRETCHES, isn't it???
Yes, but if they receive the Good News of "Send ONE DOLLAR" and
they do repent of their carelessness and haste, yea, and if they
do believe therein then, LO!, shall even they be saved and a
*dispensation* of N-rays and all the other glad tidings of the
Ass-Ass-inated Nenmaster and of the words of Frenchman Blondlot
shall befall them even unto the seventh generation. But unto them
who are lead astray by the Goat-who-is-not-the-reincarnated-NENSLO
and unto them who have entered into the Pavilion of the Goat there
[can be] (no?) forgiveness [nor] the (remission?) of sin for theirs
is the [(?Sam Sneed?)] golf clubs. For did I not empty the mucus
of my Nasal Membranes upon the Gittites and the Moabites and the
men of Tyre when they displeased me?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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