<dynasor@infi.net> writes:
> Pope Everyman (rwo@raptor.eng.ufl.edu) wrote:
> : Stang's the
> : one with the brains and the contacts. We're the ones the the MONEY
> : and the SOULS to be harvested.
You poor brainless dupes. You should have said "brains and CONTRACTS".
Nobody gets in without signing THEIR PERSONAL contract. If you REALLY
knew what a heartless, cold, bastard this Stang guy is you'd NEVER offer
yourselves up like so many willing Aztec Sacrifices.
Not only that, Stang's got a stable of racehorses in Kentucky and has blown
MILLIONS in SubGenius Donations at the track. He's one of the states "favorite"
losers. When will you mind-numbed robots wise-up and quit bowing down
to these clowns.
John "Cooter" Holland
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Subject: Re: NO SUB-G CD? Quit Listening!!
From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)
Once again, someone named Cooter shows us the way. He fixed the Duke boys'
cars, he tried to dethrone the Pinks in Washington, he blows the lid off
the biggest secret of the Church of the SubGenius: that they're out to make
money!!! Cooter Holland is a ShorDurPerSav for us all. Praise "Cooter"!
Anyone else remember the old "Stark Fist" article that spoke of the
religious significance of "The Dukes of Hazzard"?
> Of course, since the purpoe of the SubGenius Foundation has always been to
> get rich, then maybe Stang should be congratulated for fooling us all?
Though ... A show of hands, everyone! How many of you have sent in your
$20 ... excuse me, $30 ... to get aboard the space saucers? I count, what,
seven hands total? Nenslo, put ONE of your hands down please!
The point of this being, NOT NEARLY ENOUGH OF YOU have sent in your
money! Look, it takes a lot of capital for Stang to keep up his
pretense of perpetual bankruptcy, and it's up to all of you to help
out! That address again:
The SubGenius Foundation
P. O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
You say that you don't want a worthless membership? You say that you
want to get your money's worth? Fine. Order some stuff, dammit! If
you feel like being a pain to Rev. Stang and Will O'Dobbs, give them
a vague instruction like, "Please send me some videotapes that have a
lot of pictures of Sister Suzie the Floozy AND Fess Parker." I'm sure
they'll love it, that you trust their judgment!
Always include a few extra dollars for Indulgences, to help get your
order out of the Purgatory that is the Church Mailing Room.
(Rev. Stang: perhaps you should actually include a FLYING SAUCER TICKET
with each membership! Could look like a standard airline ticket, or
perhaps a concert ticket ...)
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Subject: Re: NO SUB-G CD? Quit Listening!!
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
: Once again, someone named Cooter shows us the way. He fixed the Duke boys'
: cars, he tried to dethrone the Pinks in Washington, he blows the lid off
: the biggest secret of the Church of the SubGenius: that they're out to make
: money!!! Cooter Holland is a ShorDurPerSav for us all. Praise "Cooter"!
Aw shit. Of course we knew. We've been taken. But -- THAT'S THE POINT!
We've been taken BY CHOICE and we REVEL in it.
Never trust a holy man that says he's *not* stealing you blind.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
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Subject: Re: NO SUB-G CD? Quit Listening!!
From: Rev. Ivan Stang
Lemme tell you about this "COOTER HOLLAND" guy. You can ask the Arkansas
State Penitentiary at Pee Dee about his sexual proclivities. Let's just say
you don't want to hire him as a babysitter. Sorry to say, I actually used
to know Cooter Holland. He was one of the first Bobbies, back in 1981 or
so. Actually he was a Bucky, one of Buck Naked's hangers-on, until Buck ran
him off. He's one of these obviously TERRIBLY insecure dweeby assholes with
poor hygeine whose only friends are other flabby underground
conspiracy-buff 'zine publishers. The guy is the most painful-to-watch
neurotic I've met, and you can imagine I've met a few. He smells like rum
ALL the time. This guy's main claims to fame are 1) spreading in the small
press his made-up gossip about Church members, all of which originated in
his own twisted, frustrated desires and failed marriages, and 2) pressing a
silly CD on which he blathers about Slack and the Media and calls himself
Bob Dobbs, the World's Only Artist. He's just a JEALOUS SLIME. He used to
send mountains of pretentious rants to us back in the old days, and we
didn't print any of it, and his ex-girlfriend dumped him for Vreedeez, so
now he thinks we're the Devil or something. I'm telling you, this guy's a
psycho. At one point about ten years ago, he thought he was JESUS COME
AGAIN! Threatened to "smite" us if we didn't give him Dobbs' phone number.
Trid to burn down the Foundation. Sent my address to the Racial Loyalty
bunch along with my comments about them in HIGH WEIRDNESS. His most recent
published description of me lately was, "Stang's so fat and bloated looking
now, no woman could want him." I recently saw Holland from a distance at a
sci fi convention. His beer gut was bouncing off his knees. A little
"projection," perhaps? But it's hard for me to hate him; I mean, he's
MENTALLY ILL. You can't blame him for being jealous. I AM a rich man, a
VERY VERY rich man -- PRAISE DOBBS!! Do you think we'd find the proof of
"Bob" raining down upon us, and not BRAG about it? What kind of SubGenius
preachers would we be? That one story in THREE FISTED TALES is actually a
pretty accurate description of life around the Foundation.
Did we ever say anything in THREE FISTED TALES, WASN'T true?? HELL YES I'm
a rich asshole. What do you think this Church is ABOUT? Dobbs preaches a
PROSPERITY gospel, a SLACK THROUGH WINNING gospel. I "LOST DONATONS AT THE
TRACK??"How the hell do think I swung this fancy new lakeside HOME? I made
half a million off the Branch Davidians in ONE AFTERNOON -- Koresh is
usually a good judge of horses, but he was drinking. RICH? How do you think
I afforded that JET? STOLE it? LOSER, HELL!! This asshole's trying to make
me look like one of those STUPID preachers. DON'T FALL FOR IT. Ask Philo,
man. He'll tell you about COOTER FUCKING HOLLAND!!!
Incidentally, there IS a saucer ticket in that Membership Pack, the
ordainment card. We don't want to confuse any of the real sub-SubGeniuses
by enclosing a fancy looking ESCAPE VESSEL TICKET... or WOULD we...
HMMMM...
Rev. Stang
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Subject: Bleeding Stang Good
From: Michael Townsend (mtownsend@interramp.com)
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
Cooter Holland Bad.
Bleeding Stang Good.
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