Uncle Bear has it exactly right. We NEED a SubGenius president this
term. In fact, we need a LOT of them, to make it harder for THEM to
kill us all. Why shouldn't we have several? We have tons of Popes.
Same thing. We can have a whole line-up of them, a veritable
MysAmerica Pageant of presidents. Even some part-time presidents
if they're too busy most of the time earning a living or playing
video games or masturbating to handle a full time presidency.
So rather than running against each other, I suggest we all run
TOGETHER. We should ALL set up a votes account at the SubGenius
Foundation. After all, Jesus needs the work now that he's moved in.
And I suggest this set-up:
Whoever gets more yes votes than no votes gets elected, no matter
how many candidates that is.
Vote with dollars. One dollar, one vote. It's the Amrricun way.
Vote for as many candidates as you want, as many different ways
as you want. It's the SubGenius way.
That's all it would take for ANY SubGenius to get elected, as many
SubGenii as want the job. It's not like it's really that important,
since by July 1998 "Bob" will be proclaimed World Overlord. We just
have to run interference until he takes control. The fact that it's
not "recognized" by the Youess Gubmint is only fitting, since they
themselves are not recognizable, except as cartoon carnicatures.
And not to snub our overseas Yeti sisteren, bretheren and
sheheitotheren, they can vote even though they're not US citizens.
Or they can run for Last President themselves. Or even start up an
election in their own country, whether or not it coincides with a
regular election there.
The time is NOW, children. As of November 5, we'll only have 487 days to
prepare for The End Times.
To vote for me, send $1 to:
SubPresident DynaSoar, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
To vote against me, send $1 to:
Kill DynaSoar, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
For those of you who don't know me well, I adhere viciously to the
doktrine of the Industrial Church. I refuse all monies myself and pay
my own way. I even pay my own way into devivals where I preach. I will
NOT get a cent of this and would forward any money sent directly to me
on to the Foundation for vote tallying. I DON'T WANT your money.
"Bob" wants your money and your pstench that's on it.
I just want your LOVE, your HATE, your SEXHURT and OOZESQUIRT.
I want to rub, rub, rub and praise "Bob", "Bob", "Bob" in a song.
Two cars lodged in every carnivorous chicken.
Two families of pinks in every pot.
I WANNA GREET THE X-ISTS!
MAKE me feel it, children. Make DALLAS feel it. It is only fitting
that the City That Kills Presidents acts as the Holy Book Repository
where the Holy Bookies count the chump change and watch the inevitable
changes come down on the chumps.
Shove your money up ME.
I want to wear The Grin. I want to smoke The Pipe. I want to offer up
the Place Where I Used to Wear My Hat in the ultimate Slackrifice.
Vote for me RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.
Elect a SubGenius for Last President of the United States
To vote, send $1 to: PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
For me: "SubPresident DynaSoar"; against me: "Kill DynaSoar"
Vote early, vote often, vote for or against anyone you want.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot
ll ll SubGenius Church of Scienfictiontology
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, Terran Occupation Forces
DynaSoar, Tibetian Rantarian, Chaplain : dmcclain@runet.edu
'Praise "0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010"' -- MWOWM
[Paid for by The Committee to Killect SubPresident DynaSoar]
[You want to run, start your own damn committee.]
[Broadcasters for "Bob", write for details on free tape recordings of
election lies and candidacy rants, each original and contradictory.]
--
Doktor DynaSoar Iridium -- dynasor@infi.net -- Punctuator of Evolution
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: VOTE SUBGENIUS
Kid Ginsu (jch9334@is2.nyu.edu) wrote:
:
: Yeah, big mean ol' SubGenius Presidential Candidate Dyna? So let's get
: down to the nuts and bolts. ISSUES! Let's talk about issues, baby!
: (and contracts! Don't forget about contracts, baby!) Let's hear your
: take on the issues, Mr. Candidate. Are you gonna give us another flame
: war or aren't you? They're good for the economy...everybody knows that!
: But are you gonna make good on your promise? The other candidates, they
: won't promise us a war...Alan Keyes is out of it fer sur. But some of em
: are a helluva lot C-U-T-E-R than you, Dyna. Face it, Bob Dole looks alot
: like a more mature Bobby Kennedy, doesn't he? And his name's Bob,
: right? Get it? Bob? "Bob"? So, in the face of all of this, can you
: come through with a nice, economically-stimulating WAR?? Speak up, Mr.
: Candidate. I want to hear ISSUES before I send in my second campaign dollar!
:
: Dr. Ginsu
Okay, fine.
FUCK issues. MAKE YOUR OWN ISSUES. "THEY" make issues and issues nothing but
what WHAT THE FUCK GOOD HAS IT DONE?
"Maybe your ears ain't reved up" -- Janor.
This is NOT a COMPETITION, except with the CON. EVERY BLEEDING HEAD ONE of
us should RUN, should CAMPAIGN, should GET VOTES, should GET ELECTED and be
SubPresident. And we can ALL have our OWN ISSUES and NOBODY ELSE'S MATTERS.
Everybody that gets votes wins. EVERYROOTINTOOTINBODY.
THERE'S a fucking issue for ya. This is NOT "their" kind of election. This
is OUR kind, and we can be guaranteed to WIN because we can have AS MANY AS
WE WANT and they only get ONE.
I don't give a boiled dog nut WHAT issues anyone else has. They're welcome
to them and I'm sure they're perfectly fine issues for THEM.
I have ONE issue and one issue ONLY. That SubGenii should becomes
SubPresidents -- as many as want to and/or can get votes in the form of
dollars to the Foundation. Me if nobody else, but ANYBODY. I'm trying to
earn it, but don't let that sway your opinion on who to vote FOR. Just let
it sway your opinion to VOTE and vote with DOLLARS. I don't even care if you
vote for someone else because of the rants and stuff I did. I'm only doing
it to get you to VOTE. If it's for me, neat. If someone else, neat too.
I only have one other issue. And every time I get a vote, I promise not to
make anyone else sleep in the wet spot it leaves.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jim Vandewalker <jimvan@gate.net>
Subject: Re: VOTE SUBGENIUS
Mr. Dyna Soar
2 Infinity Net
West Virginia
Dear Mr. Soar:
Here at the Bilderberg Group it has come to our attention that you are
running for President of the United States, and we want you to know about
our special offers for your campaign.
Bilderberg's tried and true programs will make your campaign and
presidency not only more exciting and more appealing to the American
voting public but also more historically significant to the whole world.
Connection with a shadowy international conspiracy has always given a
presidential candidate that all-important "word-of-mouth" cachet in the
public consciousness, but the Bilderberg group has much, much more to add
to your campaign -- and your presidency, Mr. Soar, if you elect to live
that long.
We are prepare to offer Mr. Dyna Soar -- at a special discount -- THE
Assassination Plan designed to assure YOUR special place in history.
-- Plan One Assassination During Your Presidential Campaign
-- Plan Two Assassination After Your Inauguration
-- Plan Three Assassination After the Election and Before the
Inauguration
Each Plan has its own exciting features. All plans available with Secret
Survivor Option
In Plan One you are cut down in the middle of your campaign leaving the
public to forever mourn the possibility of a dream that was cruelly
crushed before it could dawn into a new day..
In Plan Two you are brutally murdered after your courageous
administration makes a bold beginning, leaving your sorrowing successor
to continue the work you so nobly began.
Plan Three is a new idea only from the Bilderberg Group allowing you to
be killed after your triumphant election but before you can take office
thereby precipitating a major constitutional crisis. (The Basic Plan
Three requires that your Vice-Presidential Candidate be manifestly unfit
to serve as President -- either a drooling lunatic or a terrifying
warmonger. Our Special Bonus Plan permits both you AND your highly
qualified Veep to be assassinated in a truly memorable Common Disaster.)
Naturally all the Bilderberg Group's exciting Assassination Plans come
complete with a Lone Nut(tm) for the official scapegoat and carefully
constructed contradictory evidence of a huge shadowy conspiracy always
with YOU, Mr. Dyna Soar, as its target.
Our experienced staff can begin planting hints in both the mainstream
media and the lunatic fringe as soon as we receive your go-ahead. No
other assassination plan offers Pre-Death Hints. This quality feature is
available only from the Bilderberg Group with all our high-quality
Assassination Plans. Eerie coincidences provided at no extra charge.
New this year is our exciting Apparent Accident feature which allows your
death to initially seem to be a tragic mishap (Airplane and automobile
crashes, and lightning and meteor strikes are among the disasters
available for YOU to choose.) Disturbing evidence of criminal negligence
and malevolent intent will begin to accumulate even before your death.
The Deluxe Conspiracy Option adds two -- or more! -- additional layers
of conspiracy. You may choose from International Zionist Bankers,
Tri-Lateral Commission, Organized Crime (includes International Drug
Cartels!), Right-Wing Plutocrats, the Priory of Sion, the Sixth Reich,
the Bavarian Illuminati, the Knights Templar, the Hashishim, New World
Order, Islamic Fundamentalists, and many, many more. (Sorry --
International Communism is no longer available.)
The Secret Survivor Option is a speciality that Bilderberg has always
been proud to offer. As you may be aware, this Option permits you to
SECRETLY SURVIVE YOUR OWN ASSASSINATION. You may choose Completely
Unhurt, Psychically Scarred, Physically Maimed, Severely Impaired or
Vegetable. Conjugal visits from your spouse are available at no extra
charge. Choose from our wide selection of mountain-top or island
hideaways.
So send in the enclosed business reply card TODAY Mr Dyna Soar and don't
miss out on your chance to go down in history with the beloved martyrs
Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and Kennedy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: VOTE SUBGENIUS
And so it began, innocently enough.
Of course I couldn't pass up the offer.
I signed on for ALL THREE assasination scenarios, with the Hidden Survivor
clause attached to each.
They work fast, those Bilderberg guys.
Bottom line: I've been killed.
That's right, this election has had it's FIRST ASSASINATION.
We're off to a FINE start.
The good news is, in payment, I offered a permanent position to this group
in my cabinet (next to my vials of nickle carbonyl). They were instructed,
in my last act while still alive, to pick off EVERYONE. So we can ALL
share in the glory.
Hey, what's a little assasination among friends?
VOTE! VOTE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPNDS ON IT! BECAUSE IT DOES!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: talysman@psyber.com (John Laviolette)
Subject: Re: VOTE SUBGENIUS
Forget the Bilderbergers, Invasion Alpha is the plan for YOU, Mr. Soar!
Invasion Alpha, a million-year old up-and-coming extraterrestrial
conspiracy, can provide YOU YOU YOU with the spooky innuendo *your*
presidential campaign truely needs!
Only Invasion Alpha can deliver a SEEMINGLY FAILED assasination attempt,
but with all the clues pointing to ALIEN CLONE REPLACEMENT. Just a few
living cells from your colon and YOU TOO can have an ALIEN CONTROLLED
REPLICANT!
Examine the plusses of our proposal:
+ maximum social instability from eerie but unprovable
suspicions!
+ clone does the dirty work so you don't have to!
+ bonus clones can be thrown in for that "doppleganger"
effect!
+ laugh at scoffing political pundits as they dismiss
the UNVARNISHED TRUTH!
... and now, with our new "In the Can" anal infestation technique, all
clone production can take place within the safety and comfort of your own
colon. EXPERIENCE THE MIRACLE OF CHILD BIRTH!
We must admit that your clone's braincells will decline rapidly with age,
but we guarantee eight years of clone viability. THAT'S TWO FULL TERMS!
Ask our best customer, Ronald Reagan, and he'll tell you that Alpha
Invasions provides the best in modern conspiracy. Or he would, if you
could find the planet the REAL Reagan is living on in galactic splendor!
Alpha Invasions. The only logical choice.
DON'T DELAY, GET REPLICATED TODAY!
--
-------His Most Feathered Eminence, The UrBeatle--------------------|
talysman@psyber.com | The Revolution is NOT being |
Sacramento CA USA | televised. |
FINGER ME FOR FREE PORNOGRAPHY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: VOTE SUBGENIUS
PRIVATE -- EYES ONLY PERSONAL RESPONSE
Mr. Alpha,
Had I received this earlier I would have jumped at the chance.
Unfortunately my ethics, and frankly the tittilation of multiple deaths,
prevents me from cancelling my contract with my original contractor.
Particularly since they've haired the best Lone Kook in the business.
However,
> Examine the plusses of our proposal:
> + maximum social instability from eerie but unprovable
> suspicions!
> + clone does the dirty work so you don't have to!
> + bonus clones can be thrown in for that "doppleganger"
> effect!
> + laugh at scoffing political pundits as they dismiss
> the UNVARNISHED TRUTH!
> ... and now, with our new "In the Can" anal infestation technique, all
> clone production can take place within the safety and comfort of your
> own colon. EXPERIENCE THE MIRACLE OF CHILD BIRTH!
> We must admit that your clone's braincells will decline rapidly with
> age, but we guarantee eight years of clone viability. THAT'S TWO FULL
> TERMS!
> Ask our best customer, Ronald Reagan, and he'll tell you that Alpha
> Invasions provides the best in modern conspiracy. Or he would, if you
> could find the planet the REAL Reagan is living on in galactic
> splendor!
> Alpha Invasions. The only logical choice.
> DON'T DELAY, GET REPLICATED TODAY!
I can see a benefit here -- namely getting more work done in the mean
time. Perhaps we should consider the possibility of a game of DynaSoar
Roulette. It would be interesting to see which he finds first, one of me
or one of me.
Let me know your ideas on this. This is not so much an election as an
invasion anyway.
Original file name: VOTE
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