WHAT THE HELL Application Form

I've pulled this from my extensive archives. The typos and deletions you see were always there, and in fact have relevance to the document for those who choose to see it. I'm not going to point them out to you.

-- J. Cooper

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know it won't last too damn much longer. And what are you doing about it? Going to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What will happen to your routine when all the shit comes down on us at once? Don't you feel responsible for trying to help this endangered planet?

No? Good. The fact is, it's too late. There isn't a god-damned thing you as an individual can do about eco-disaster, nuclear death, overpopulation and so on. Things are going to Hell on a fast train and about the only thing you, or anyone else besides the Rockefellers, can do about it is to just sit back and watch the show.

But remember - the End of the World may be much worse and take much longer than you thought. The mere act of sitting at home watching everything fall apart on your TV may be too much for even the stoutest brains to take. In fact, the more alert and intelligent you are, the quicker you'll likely be driven to suicide by the sheer hideousness of what you'll be seing.

The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge, lucrative cult--NOW, while the rates are low, so that you will not only receive the immediate benefits listed on our Application Coupon, but will also be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex, drugs, and sheer POWER OVER OTHERS that go with high-ranking membership in what will probably sweep this unkempt planet in an unstoppable wave of cynical, dangerous power plays, insanely morbid truths and panhandling, zombie-like teenage "followers."

For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to submit this application so that we may determine if you are worthy to receive the closest thing to salvation you'll ever get a whiff of.

(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own personal Church and Congregation. Write for details.)

APPLICATION COUPON AND ORDER FORM
Sign Up Now and SAVE $5,000!

To the Sacred Scribe of the FisTemple Lodge of the Church of the Subgenius:
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, U.S.A.

I have___ have not___ completed the Application Questionnaire and, if I am found worthy, or even if I am not, I will henceforth consider myself a SubGenius or something like one, such as (fill in if applicable):

___ $30 for CHURCH MEMBERSHIP & ORDAINMENT
Includes STARK FIST subscription, Pamphlet #1, Catalog, Membership Credentials, orientation materials, posters, documents, stickers, charts, and such privileges which befit priesthood in a secret society of this scope. Includes wallet-sized MEMBERSHIP CARD making you an Ordained SubGenius Minister. !!! This is the only way to get on the permanent mailing list and pierce the shround of secrecy which insulates the cult !!!

___ $1 for THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG
Books, posters, MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES BEYOND BELIEF, bumper stickers, buttons, T-shirts, gizmos, leaflets. Very detailed, a laff-> 'n-salvation riot in its own right.

___ $5 for SAMPLE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Magazine
With Facts about Dobbs, Other Mutants, Prescriptures, comics pages, letters, instructions, interviews, dating service, etc. Takes weeks to read.

___ $1 each for SUBGENIUS PAMPHLET #1
("The World Ends Tomorrow and You MAY DIE") the one 16-page power- packed publication that started it all. So dense with information that many persons have gotten lost in it FOREVER. Superb introductory propaganda and excellent for just leaving randomly in laudromats, restrooms, etc. INSTANT SALVATION FOR ONLY ONE DOLLAR!

___ $8.50 each for CASSETTE TAPES
90 Min. each -- stereo -- color. The MEDIA BARRAGE TAPES, as heard on radio. "Bob" speaks through his Ministers; he speaks to YOU. Documentary/propagandoid Lessons and Revelations far beyond any present medium .. a TOTALLY NEW GENRE. Good for over 75 close listenings. Fast-paced, dense with shocking juxtapositions, special effects. Makes< New Wave even older than it is. Unbelievable sequences from 1) THE REAL WORLD (radio, TV, insane preachers, weird cults), 2) THE LIVE CHURCHES OF THE SUBGENIUS (excerpts from SubGenius radio and TV interviews, sacred trace spouting, revivals, Doktormusick, songs, chants, rants, and preaching), and 3) LURID ENTERTAINMENT (choice clips from horror, porn, bulldada films). Savage; joyful; monstrous. Useful for seductions.

"From a radio standpoint, it's up there with Firesign Theater, Lenny
Bruce, Monty Python, Ken Nordine, and The Shaggs. And Jean Shepherd. And Norman Vincent Peale. And ... yes, Dobbs has forever entered our lives and language." -- Irwin Chusid

BRAND NEW TAPES! BEST YET!
___ 10: "REPENT!" (The Conspiracy)
___ 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" (Aliens + Nukes)
___ 12: "SLACK!" + Best SubGenius Radio

___ $16.50 THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS (Ask for it at any bookstore.)
Published by McGraw-Hill. 200 pages, 8.5x11 large softbound Horror Bible. After this, you'll never have to read another book as long as you live. Contains all answers to everything, plus profuse illustrations and diagrams. Encompasses life of "Bob," entire past and future history of Earth, and all instructions you'll ever need for success, happiness, and psychic wealth in The End Times. BEYOND "HIP" OR "FUNNY;" the "Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century.

___ $1.00 STICKERS
Hundreds of little lick-n-stick SubGenius ads and mysterious statements. "Drive your hometown insane." Great for envelopes, toilet walls, etc.

TOTAL ENCLOSED: _________________________
All prices include postage. Outside USA - ADD $2

FOR FAR MORE SACRED STUFF, SEE OUR NEW AND MODERN ONLINE SCATALOG!!

Caution! Warning! Disclaimer!

Because the SubGenius inner mysteries, dark rites, abhorrent rituals,
loathsome secrets and repugnant initiations reach into the so-called "evil"
and "conspiratorial" realms as well as the ordinary, unforbidden sciences
and magicks, they must never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands.
There are some things Man was not meant to own, especially Regular Man;
while the use of SubGenius concepts and tools may be informative, amusing,
and effective in gaining Something for Nothing, THEY ARE NOT TOYS.
I therefore swear that I am at least 18 years of age and, furthermore,
that I will keep private all reading matter, taped discourses, graven
images, and other cult secrets. If I do not uphold this ancient trust I am
prepared to meet the Stark Fist of Removal.

SIGNED: ___________________________________________

MAIL TODAY!
No obligation. No Salesmen.

PRINT YOUR NAME AND MAILING ADDRESS:
Name(s):
Address:
City-State and Zip:

Have you been getting any lately? How are you?

Age:______ Sex:_______Color of skin, if any:

Occupation: Monthly Earnings:

Childhood Religion:

Previous Mystic Groups:

Name a couple of your favorite types or creators of:

MOVIES, TV: ________________________ MUSIC:

BOOKS:_____________________________ MAGS:

Other favorite things, hobbies:

Somewhere on this sheet, draw a simple pic of you, God, and your ego.

When you die, where will you go?

By what means would you most like to die?

How and when, if ever, do you think the world will "end" or change drastically?

The future will be __fun __not so fun __pretty much like it is now.

Name the three most fearsome things you think face the U.S.:

Describe yourself in a few carefully chosen words:

Current Short Duration Personal Saviors, if any:

What makes you think you're a SubGenius, huh? What's the deal here? Just what do you have to say for yourself?

YES or NO Questions

Simply put a Y or N after each question, or SO for 'sort of'

Do you sometimes look back at yourself 3 or 4 years ago and think, "God, what a jerk?"
Do you hear voices muttering in your head, faint and indistinct?
Do you use credit cards irresponsibly in hopes of later payment?
Do you get messages from space beamed into your skull?
Are you a 'packrat,' do you hoard material goods you'll probably never use?
Do you enjoy filing, stacking, resorting them?
Would you love to go looting during a riot?
Do you worry about your brain?
Do you dream of controlling the world?
When you were a child, did you torture small animals and bugs?
Do you find it utterly impossible to comprehend the opposite sex?
Do you get psychosomatic headaches?
Does your temper stay dormant most of the time, only to suddenly explode
into quasi-insane rage?
Do you like to drive fast as hell, with your car stereo cranked up all the
way?
Do you often 'tune out' the world while concentrating?
Do you feel you "march to the beat of a drunken drummer?"
Do you forget where you just put things?
Do you catch yourself shooting off at the mouth?
Do you sometimes want to fire a dear rifle into your TV?
Do you often lie when the truth would suffice?
Do you blurt out well-meant but uncouth statements and then immediately
regret it?
Do you sometimes smash the shit out of your finger when using a hammer?
Do you have spells during which you are pissed off or depressed for what
you later decide was no good reason?
Would you really rather sit around and watch TV than go out?
Do you deliberately work at an honest but menial job, even though you could
be making big $$$ as an ass-kissing executive?
Do you look down on those who would rather do idiot labor or go on the dole
than try to achieve, as you have done?
Are you fairly well assured that you're smarter than teh average gazooba?
Do you get fixated on one amusing little activity and then 'go at it,' day
and night? Are you scientific rather than superstitious?
Do you avoid looking too closely at beautiful 13 year old girls? Boys?
When you get impatient with an inanimate object, do you tear it all to
shit?
At night at home alone, are you sometimes convinced that Charles Manson is
in your closet?
Do you instinctively imitate dialects and mannerisms when describing a
scene?
Do certain textures or noises make your skin crawl?
Do you often stay up all night?
Does money 'burn a hole in your pocket?'
Does everything seem a little unreal to you?
Do you have certain secrets that no one else knows?
Have you ever had a psychic experience? Seen a UFO?
Do you let jobs stack up, rationalizing that you work better under
pressure?
Does disorder in your work area drive you nuts?
Do you spout broad generalizations on subjects about which you know little
or nothing?
Do you find human folly amusing?
Do you live in your own little world?
Do you like to go out at night with friends, being rowdy and disturbing the peace, drinking and terrorizing citizens?
Do you get all cranked up and make elaborate plans that will never come off in a million years?
Do you always need to fart during the most solemn occasions?
When you see someone in pain or discomfort do you laugh, or want to?
Married? Divorced?
Do you have enough Slack?
Do you recognize the necessity for law and order?
Do you like your job/school/chores?
Paid enough?
Do you compulsively read any inane thing (labels, ads) that happens to be within vision?
Do you sometimes get the impression that EVERYBODY is out to get you?
If we invaded little countries or fought Russian with N-bombs, would you coddle draft dodgers? Would you get the fuck out of the country?
Do people consider you odd?
Do you have different personalities according to who you're talking to?
Do you sometimes make faces, sing, twitch, etc. for no sane reason?
Would you just as soon let others make the tedious decisions?
Do you behave differently with family than with friends?
Does everything always take twice as long and cost twice as much as you thought it would?
Are you always late?
Do you easily 'blow things off' and procrastinate?
Is today's youth more fucked up than previous generations?
Do you clown around a lot?
Do your face and voice change grotesquely when you get excited?
Do you ignore your health for long periods?
Do you sometimes get all 'spaced out' and 'dingy' for no apparent reason?
Do you sometimes feel paranoia about people watching you and laughing at you?
Do you ever dream you are in elementary school, and you suddenly notice you are wearing no pants?
When you were a little kid, if you tapped the left side of your chair a few times, did you then feel compelled to tap the right side of your chair an exactly equal number of times?
Do you sometimes go out beating up strangers?
Do you occasionally shoplift 'in revenge?'
Do you go on drug binges occasionally?
Are you more or less cheerful around others?
Do you sometimes think you should 'quit'?
Do you or did you do lousy things to your elders, just to bug them?
Every now and then, do you tie up blind amputee women and indulge in mud sports, canings, and Tasmanian Culture?
Do you have any phobias, fears, compulsions?
Do you sometimes dwell morbidly on things like sickness, world problems, death, drugs, pain, perversion?
Are you even slightly sick in the head?
Do you sometimes fret irrationally over friends and loved ones?
Do you actually FEAR "Bob" at times?
Do you figure there's a big depression on the way?
Do you think the aliens will stop us from destroying ourselves?
Do you often dream about a post-holocaust world in which you are top caveman?
Have you lost pretty much ALL faith in the government?
Do you bite into an apple and then worry about the weird, chemical taste on the skin?
Do you use our nation's President as a scapegoat?
Do you think justice can be 'bought?'
Do you instinctively feel that all public figures are liars?
Do you get a mini-heart-attack every time you see a cop?
Do you automatically dislike members of strange religious cults?
When you get home from work, would you just as soon watch some cheap, stupid entertainment as more educational fare?
Do certain 'types' of people get under your skin?
Does it irritate the hell out of you to see writers use cliches?
Do you fall madly in love, ALL THE TIME?

CIRCLE THE ANSWERS WHICH APPLY:

Which of the following words apply to you? City person; country person; suburbanite; hetero; homo; bi, omni-, or a-sexual; "good;" "bad;" sensitive; tough; frustrated; satisfied; athletic; healthy; ill; wimp; sane; half-cocked; insane; absent-minded; alert; friendly; cagey; sullen; antisocial; goofy; a funny person in conversation; tired; energetic; nervous; loose; lively; a wallflower; quiet; loud; blue collar; white collar; no collar; talented; untalented; intellectual; no-bullshit; moody; weird; normal; depressed; manic; neurotic; psychotic; renegade; aggressive; subdued; nice; grouchy; optimistic; cynical; pessimistic; smart; stupid; in-between; genius; crafty; shitty; nowhere; rich; middle-class; poor; handicapped; macho; educated; uneducated; overeducated; and finally, are you an EMERGENTILE, a REWARDIAN, or merely a MEDIOCRETIN?

Which of the following 'phenomena' do you more or less believe in?
UFOs; astrology; telepathy; precognition; telekinesis; psychic healing; pyramid power; ancient astronauts; 'ghosts;' trance revelations; Atlantis/Mu/etc.; Bigfoot-type creatures; the Loch Ness Monster; none above; OTHERS:

The world condition these days is: bad; good; funny; as expected.

Right now, you would like to have more:
Time; money; friends; sex; alcohol; tobacco; marijuana; stimulants; narcotics; depressants; hallucinogens; clothes; brains; OTHER:

A descendant of many great psychics, "Bob" began using his gifts for financial gain at the age of 6. He has worked as a mind-breaker for the government and has more recently built a vast personal fortune as Psychic Salesman for a multinational cartel (which, like so many other intriguing aspects of Dobbs' life, must remain secret).

To give you your money's worth in psychic consultation, Dobbs needs nothing more than 1) your questions and 2) something you have touched -- a five dollar bill, for instance, or a blank check (which must bear your signature for the Nental life vibrational 'psi-stench' to be readable by Dobbs) -- these have been found to bring the most fruitful predictions, diagnoses, instructions, descriptions of past lives, etc. Simply send your question and "offering" with this coupon to THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS and you will soon receive in the mail such past life readings and personal revelations about yourself as you could never have imagined in your WILDEST NIGHTMARES.
And don't forget to sign this disclaimer! It must bear your signature before questions may be answered, in order to comply with the law in Dallas.

Mr. Dobbs is endowed with powers of extrasexual persuasion as well as all ranges of ESP. Although "Bob's" accuracy has never been questioned by previous "clients," no SacraMentalist can claim infallibility. With Dobbs, especially, it is only a matter of time before he falters; he is farther from so-called 'perfection' than most of us could be if we worked at it. Therefore "Bob," his associates, promoters, employees, sponsors, agents, followers and writers must and do disclaim all liability to all persons, firms, or corporations who act or rely upon ESP impressions given by word of mouth, telephone, correspondence, film tape or hologram recording now or in the... the future.
Signed: