NOW! Through the miracle of technology! HEAR IT IN TRUESPEECH WHILE YOU READ IT!!
BROTHER CLEVE DUNKAN whips it out in this TrueSpeech playback of his legendary performance from the SubGenius Media Barrage Tape Series #10.
SHUT UP OR STAND UP!
A fragment. Transcribed from a cassette tape recording made at a seance in 1973.
"I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my nose! Pardon my
language. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in the
belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prohets; I'm busting a
gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a loaf! For I speak only the
fucking Truth, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For my every
utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear! I say, `Fuck'em if they
can't take a joke!' By God, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I am the last
remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I'll drive a
mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the first god damn
water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars! I
drank the Devil under seven tables, I am too intense to die, I'm insured
for acts o' God and Satan! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews
from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I cannot be tracked
on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear no god damn uniform! Yes baby, I'm
23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave
the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash! I'm a bacteriological weapon, I
armed and loaded! I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are
fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug me in, the lights go out in
Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity, come and get me! I've sired
retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and eat my dead; YAH-HOOOO,
I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo! I pay no taxes! The Devil's
hands are my ideal playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the
wheels that turn are behind me; I think backwards! I do it for fun! My
imagination is a fucking cancer and I'll pork it before it porks me! The say
a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well by God! I count to a
godzillion and one! Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide
berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons! I use a python for a
prophylactic; I'm thicker, harder and meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline, and
carry more spew! I'll freeze your seed before it hits the bathroom tile! YEE!
YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made Time wait
up for me to bleed my lizard! My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left
my spoor on the Rock of Ages, who'll tear flesh with me, who'll spill their
juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose candle will I fart out? Whoop! I'm ready!
So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o'
wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I'm a
screamer and a laugher, I make a spectacle of myself, I am a sight! My
physical type cannot be classified by science, my `familiar' is a
pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I communicate without wires or strings! I
am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo
Bag; I swam the Bermuda Triangle and didn't get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs
with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my tongue and my
tool! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the Sun! I'm the
bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the
brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the
mass of my religion, I take drugs! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca
leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the tree! Space
monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the Pyramides off my shoes before I enter
my house. I'm fuel-injected, I'll live forever and remember it afterwords!
I'm immune! I'm radioactive! Come on and give me cancer, I'll spit up the
tumor and butter my bread with the juice! I'm supernatural, I bend
crowbars with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth
and erupt volcanoes in China! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer
than all the heathen Hindoos in Asia! YEEE HAW! Gut Blowout! I am a Moray
Eel, I am a Komodo Dragon, I am the Killer Whale bereft of its pup! I have
a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me all your Slack! I
told Jesus I wouldn't go to church and He shook my hand! I have my own
personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life
after death, I want to know if there's even any fucking Slack after death! I
am a god damn visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books and
wine bottles; I eat black holes for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my
DNA with the sheer force of my mighty will! I steer my own god damn
evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit! I'm
enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it home with me. Yip, yip,
YEEEEEEE! I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't
tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait! They'll never
clean my cage! Now give me some more of..."
(Tape runs out.)
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Copyright 1980 by Douglass St. Clair Smith
Muta-Dobbs graphic by St. G. Gordon Gordon