FOR YOUR NEW SUBGENIUS(TM) TAPE

Praise "Bob." The Luck Plane has brought you into possession of a SubGenius Media Barrage(TM) or A-music(TM) tape. This could be the greatest thing that's ever happened to you, an unsurpassable beautific experience -- or it could be your WORST MISTAKE, a one-way ticket into an insane universe from which there is NO ESCAPE. Improper listening techniques can lead to dependency, severe mental and physical addiction, seizures, brain fits, chromosomal damage, priapic conditions, acromegaly, overnight glandular mutation, Nental Ife erasure and even degausing of the soul. You can also be arrested for possession of these tapes in certain territories.

If you follow these instructions and trust completely in "Bob," however, you are in for hours, days, weeks, and very possibly CENTURIES of listening pleasure.

1.) USE OF HEADPHONES IS MANDATORY. Through STEREO HEADPHONES you will enter the 4th Dimension (Bardo 18); the 3-D Power will transfigure you. In fact, if you don't plan to listen in headphones AT LEAST for the first time, you might as well throw the tape away now. There are several reasons for this: a.) Sound quality is enhanced several thousand percent, from mac 8 1/2 to mac 6900 1/2. After all, this is no digital compact disc, but a primitive Earth cassette made under conditions of extreme Conspiracy financial harrassment in an era of persecution of SubGeniuses. b.) The special Interactive HoloSonic Stereo Whiparound Effects(TM) which permeate about half the backgrounds on each tape are negated in mono and may not even be audible. These effects (created through the new Ultimatte Colortone Brainwave Synthesizer(TM)) are designed to trigger a total physical separation by Stem Cleavage of the left and right brains (called "cerebral mitosis" or "brain division"). This in turn allows the Forebrain/Hindbrain SyncLock(TM) that is the entire reason for these tapes to exist. THESE ARE BRAIN DISCONNECTION TAPES which operate on a simple new Breakthinking(TM) principle by which the listener's brainwave patterns are gradually forced into resynchronization with the tapes' underlying messages and instructions by means of subliminal neuroelectronic pulses below and above the levels of human or SubGenius hearing.

(NOTE: most animals do hear the timecode; this will explain the strange behavior of any pets which happen to be nearby when the tape is played: parrots repeating lines from the tape which you cannot consciously recall; dogs humping thin air and trying to dig holes in hard floors; cats spontaneously going into heat; spiders spinning webs shaped like swastikas or peace signs; snakes eating themselves tailfirst; goldfish simply disappearing from their bowls. We suggest keeping animals -- and, for that matter, less evolved OR over-evolved humans -- out of the room. Plant growth, however, will be enhanced as will gas mileage in a car.)

You are using this tape as a trance-inducing device; it's not some pink logo band's album by which to dance with cheap bimbos or himbos in a gogo slopshop.

Media Barrage(TM) and Doktormusik(TM) affect you medically; they shatter the normal pathways of the mind by ruthlessly annihilating all conditioned expectations of "music," "melody" or "human dignity." No band of actual musicians, comedians or even preachers can do this for you; only REGISTERED SUBGENIUS DOKTORS can properly reshape your body and mind with sound (and antisound(TM)). The DOKTORS know when to CUT with their instruments, even if they do not know how to play.

EACH SUBGENIUS TAPE IS ONE NOTE IN A VAST DOKTORS FOR "BOB" SONG, THE CRESCENDO FOR WHICH WILL COME AT THE END OF CREATION. EVERY SOUND YOU MAKE IS ALSO BUT THE MEREST FRACTION OF A BEAT IN THE BACKGROUND PERCUSSION TRACK OF THIS ETERNAL CONCERT.

Media Barrage(TM) tapes are also meant for airplay on nonConspiracy radio stations. Many college and public-supported stations air them on a weekly basis. By contrast, Doktormusic(TM) is not meant to be heard by the uninitiated and may actually be considered a public hazard if broadcast.

2.) DO NOT OVERMEDICATE. All 90 minutes at once can seriously damage some sensitive persons who have not yet built up a tolerance.

3.) DO, HOWEVER, LISTEN MORE THAN ONCE. It may possibly sound "stupid" to you at first. This simply means that you are not yet accultated and cannot therefore truly "listen." There is an underlying linearity and multiple layers of contradictory profundity if you but have ears to hear. Shakespeare probably confused you at first too, and these tapes are of even higher artistic merit! They are more complex, more carefully orchestrated, and far more scientifically accurate than any previous form of art or expression in all of mankind's history. This justifies the equally high level of juvenile good-ol'-boy stupidity which is actually far more important to true Slack and religion than any of that arty farty shit anyway, praise "Bob," praise Pee Dog.

4.) DO NOT PLAY AT PARTIES OR TO FRIENDS. This prescription is meant to be filled ONLY for the person to whom it is yacatizmically prescribed. THEY WILL THINK YOU ARE INSANE. These require the full concentration that only private listening (especially in bed, or in excremeditation) can provide.

5.) DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY while under the influence of these tapes. Car listening is legal, but not recommended for first-time users. DO NOT IN ANY WAY ATTEMPT TO DANCE TO THESE TAPES.

6.) According to the Divine Whim of "Bob," some tapes come with logs and credit lists, and some don't. Some logs are carefully prepared and handsomely printed; some are fucked up.

7.) The demons you may see during the initial hallucination sequences are not real. If you become frightened, try not to give up. No "scene" on the tapes lasts longer than 1.37 minutes. DO NOT PANIC (especially during the "Hell Scenes") as the brainstorm psychosis can become permanent if the user isn't brought out of it by the "happy" scenes which follow them.

8.) ALWAYS SURFACE FROM THE HYPGNOSIS SLOWLY. Just as the trance state has the power to heal, SO CAN IT DESTROY OR MAKE ILL. "Coming out" of the tape is not unlike a total rebirth experience (IF you "come out" successfully, that is). If you have trouble reentering the Earth plane, focus on "Bob" and chant his name. Then try to remember your own name, and chant that for awhile. Do not eat for at least two days after the experience.

ON GETTING "FUCKED UP" & LISTENING TO SUBGENIUS TAPES

The Church sneers upon the use of cheap Conspiracy street drugs as one of the most insidious paths of False Slack. However, we have had to come to grips with the fact that a good 86% of SubGenii do experiment with some form of brainscrambling or sacramentality. Needless to say, about 100 microdobbs of Habafropzipulops(TM) (NOT A DRUG) would make for one HELL of a transreality "experience" with the tape; unfortunately, "Frop" may prove too costly and difficult to procure for the average SubGenius listener (even though there IS no "average" SubGenius listener). If you insist on using some pathetic folk substitute for 'Frop to pee your damn ass, here are some hints. HEED THEM if you plan to stay on friendly terms with your own consciousness.

1.) Central nervous system depressants -- downers, Valium, bestsellers, school, work, MTV -- are FORBIDDEN for use with these tapes. The incredible complexity of the recordings will be absolutely incomprehensible if even the most Dobbsly minds are fettered in this way. Such "sleepers" and "stumblers" may be fine for high speed nightime driving with Conspiracy rock blaring on the radio (especially recommended for "Bobbies" and other pinks), but are a deadly mix with Media Barrage(TM) cassettes.

2.) Stimulants such as speed, sugar, coffee, cocaine and Jazzercise are also self-defeating with these tapes. Your brain will attempt to somehow "keep up" with the tapes, but you'll really just be hearing blithering echoes of your own subconscious wallowing in the egotistical delusion which these products induce. There is also a danger of synaptic backfire in the brainpan caused by overheating of the attention gland. This "dense-packing" of brain cells without proper organic coolants such as 'Frop(TM), accelerated to near-fission point, has been blamed for three recent cases of spontaneous human combustion.

3.) Alcohol, in the initial 20 minutes of its onslaught, works surprisingly well in making the listener more susceptible to brain loop pattern imprinting. This will be followed, however, by hours of gradual degeneragizing as the freshly killed brain cells slough off and drift downwards to clog the chakras. The briefly illuminated gray matter ends up tired, crusty and dehydrated after the 'nectar of the gods' has turned into sugar-burned blood poison. (Chronic alcoholics, on the other hand, do have the opportunity of reaching a very 'Froplike state simply by abstaining for about 3 days. Cigarette smokers, likewise, may find the tapes unbelievably psychedelic if they listen after 12 or more hours of waking abstinence, as the hallucinations caused by withdrawal and the onset of Tobacco Daemons remotely mimic both 'Frop's effects and those induced by ANTISLEEP(TM), or sleep deprivation.)

4.) An isolation tank will lock most people into a fropreceptive state after about 6 hours of sensory underload.

5.) If one starts the tape immediately after electroshock treatements the results will be both pleasurable and beneficial. You may be able to get the Government to pay for this.

6.) Fasting for 4 days while sitting in a hole in the ground staring at a picture of "Bob" may make the listener so Slack-aware that he will look down upon the makers of the tapes as "too Pink."

7.) Marijuana is probably the safest 'Frop substitute for beginners. At its most potent its effects resemble the hangover from extremely adulterated poor-grade 'Frop, except, of course, that the "high" is temporary. Used in a quiet environment in conjunction with the tapes, it may put the user into a relatively G'Broagfranoid state. However, the "high" only lasts for one cassette side before it stops accentuating perceptation and starts flattening it.

8.) Powerful hallucinogens like mushrooms and LSD, IF OF KNOWN QUALITY, can be stupifyingly effective enhancement tools, BUT ONLY FOR THOSE VERY EXPERIENCED IN THEIR ABUSE. We urge insecure teens and mal-aligned adults to avoid even thinking of fooling with these until you know your psyche can withstand such powerful upheaval. For those who have "taken" at least 10 or so "trips" and who are going to do it anyway, we'd say yes, you probably will be laughing/crying convulsively and astrally projecting throughout the tape. You may find yourself unable to stop listening. This is a profound cathartic reaction to the flood of archetypal feelings, images and racial memories unleashed by the drug/tape combination. All hiss will be mentally filtered out and you'll be able to understand every garbled secret message on every one of the 13 levels on which every word is meant to work. If you lay down and close your eyes (WITH HEADPHONES) you will "feel" the sound effects and "see" the performers vividly in wide-angle 3-D just as if you were in the car or studio or tent revival with them. You may even glimpse "Bob" himself; BE PREPARED! There have also been numerous reported (but impossible to substantitate) instances of true Time Control: telepathic rapport in real time or in time warp with the performers themselves -- ectoplasmic aether wave-forms transmitted either while the listener is listening, or (through reverse time-shift) to past dates when the tapes were being recorded or mixed. I.E., there have been times when the performers KNEW YOU WERE/WOULD BE LISTENING. When the telepathy is sexual in nature, which it is about half the time, we call this "Communionication."

High dosages have so sensitized some listeners that they began to perceive the underlying Slack/Yacatizma matrix of the entire universe through Third Nostril receptors, and were unable to stop hearing the tape even after it was turned off. Others have literally relived their reincarnality (the accumulated sexhurt of all past lives) and there has been one report of a violent poltergeist effect triggered by the tape "trip."

All of the above drugs are illegal, dangerous and unpredictably balldadaistic. We strongly urge you one last time to use the 'Frop(TM) or "Bob" Pils(TM) instead. Of course, the moreal world is the weirdest world of all, and it is available to you not only without the drugs, but even without the tapes... IF YOU HAVE SLACK.

"If you can't get real Slack, False Slack is better than no Slack at all." -- G. Gordon Gordon

Unless specified, the tapes are "Normal" Bias (!), with NO DOLBY. Dolby noise reduction in most tape decks is a Conspiracy joke that muffles ALL the sound; its real purpose is to adjust you to the Audio Copy Protection they're planning to inflict on all commercial tapes later in the '80s. These tapes do however bear full Yacatizma Matrix(TM) which will lock onto you even if the tape is NEVER PLAYED.

CARE o' TAPE HINTS: In case you didn't know...

Any cassette sometimes jams because the teeny reels become unevenly wound, and push upwards against the sides of the cassette chasis. This especially happens when tapes are mailed, or otherwise shaken around before playing. Slamming both sides of the cassette flat against a table usually 'flattens out' the reels, freeing them to turn easily. Use your Martial Arts skills to make Cassette Slamming an art.

DO NOT LEAVE IN A HOT CAR... heat causes hideous squeaking noises.

You already know better than to put cassettes near big motors or other electromagnetic fields.

PUNCH OUT THE ERASE-PROOF TABS! (We usually forget.)