by the Impossibly Reverend Judy Graham

"I can be an Asshole if I want to"

I am woman (hear me roar!)! I shave my legs and underarms! I wear deoderant! I douche! I wear perfume! I wear a bra and girdle! I spend hours putting on make-up! If anyone else needs the toilet when I'm in the bathroom, why, they're outta luck, aren't they?! I am ladylike! I cross my legs when I sit! I wear dresses with I. Q.s higher than my own! I am polite! I say "please," "Thank you", "Excuse Me," and "Ahem"! I am never rude! I don't drink, smoke, or use drugs! I don't burp or pass gas through my naughty bits! I never say the "F" word! I don't even do the "F" thing, even though I'm a married woman, and yet I have babies anyway! I am a good wife and mother! I go to PTA meetings! I read Cosmopolitan! I read Better Homes and Gardens! My home is always immaculate! I drink Sanka with Coffeemate and NutraSweet! I'm on a diet! I am a concerned parent! I cut the underwear ads out of newspapers and magazines to protect my children from dirty ideas! "Censorship Is Beautiful!" I say! "All filth ought to be banned and its perpetrators sentenced to life in front of a firing squad!" That's what I say! I go to church! I worship none other than the crybaby schoolmarm Jesus! I am anti-abortion! "Everyone should have a baby!" I say, and yet I dare call myself a "feminist"! I got my head shoved so far up my rear end, no one has ever seen my face! Not even my mother, who taught me everything I know about being a woman! I am an oat bran junkie! I...

(audience runs out!)