art by Mangin
This posting relates a recipe for the hot sauce of hot sauces. This is
the Sulphuric Acid to Tabasco's piss water. Not for the timid.
I once had a dream. A life-shattering dream that forever changed the
flavor of my gastronomic development. It led to a long search, much
experimentation, heartbreak and heartburn. But it finally led to
success, and seeing as I am still alive to report, I shall pass this on
to you, the faithful Yeti-spawn. I give you: The Piss of Wotan.
I found myself on a low marble bench, reclining on a richly
embroidered pillow. There was a bright sun above, but it's light
wavered in an ALMOST periodic pattern from green to red. I stared at
the sun with an almost autistic fascination. The light got brighter
and burned into the center of cortex. I SAW without my EYES. Then
I heard SOUND. A mighty roar as if millions shouted at once, and a
large SHAPE blocked my mind-sight, leaning over me and shouting a shout
that reverberated through the marble beneath me.
"Get the FUCK off my throne! Miserable mortal, get up here AGAIN,
and I'll send you back as a fucking scientologist!" The being waved a
hand and I flew to the floor, breath snatched from my lungs and a
tingling sensation coursing through my body. I struggled to sit, and
tried to make sense of my surroundings. It appeared to be a huge
stadium, miles in circumference, and extending through at least eight
dimensions. It was filled with trillions of people. All who had or
would ever live. And in the center, the stage, a circus appeared to
be in progress.
Another psychic blast hit me. "What the FUCK is your problem,
douchebag? Order your damn meal". The being was sitting on the
throne, with a woman kneeling in front of him, slowly slurping on
his mighty god-bone. She looked possibly palestinian, and was wearing
a blue robe. She took notes on a steno pad as the being spoke.
"...And bring a few more of those Puritan girls for Loki. And
don't forget my damn elephant testicles! How do expect me to ENJOY
the slut-virgin casserole without some ELEPHANT TESTICLES! Now get
MOVING!" She released the mighty pecker and glided to me, silently
indicating the steno pad. There was a faint glow about her head, so
that I couldn't clearly see her face. "I'll have some Captain Crunch
with Crunch Berries, Please. And skim milk."
"HAH! you damn PUSSY!" The being hurled a bolt of lightning into
the center of the stadium. A group of men had been attempting to
sodomize a herd of triceratops in the ring. Four had already been gored
and one was trampled while reaming a calf. The remaining men scrambled
at the cry of the god, but the bolt was too swift. The flesh burned
from their bones, and skeletons were immediately whisked upward to
plunge into the sun. The star pulsed at the event, swinging its
output wildly into the infrared and up to violet, the settling back
to its rhythm.
I looked back to the floor of the stadium, and found a bowl before me,
heaping with my chosen cereal. The god was chewing on his virgins,
spitting hunks of flesh as he jeered the spectacle below. I began
eating my Crunch Berries when the god lunged to his feet. "Dammit,
RUN you miserable little shits! Don't just DIE! RUN!" A group of
humans cowered as a pack of velociraptors cut a swath through them.
The knives they held dropped unused to the ground. One woman ducked under
a running beast and rolled across the floor. She plunged her knife
into a beast as it bore down on her, ripping her throat and leaving her
thrashing in the dirt.
"Finally, some Yeti blood is shown!" the god yelled. The woman's
body vanished from the ring to materialize next to the god. The mighty
being flung aside its loincloth, and raised the half-flaccid penis
towards the ring below. A stream of golden urine shot forth, arcing
through the air, over the heads of the spectators, and into the ring.
All that it touched burned. Thousands screamed as the urine fell on
their heads, And the humans in the ring writhed in agony. The being
then shook the monster, sending drops flying. The marble burned where
they dropped. The god turned to me. "Choke on THIS you little dog-worm"
he chuckled as a last spurt shot forth, landing in my Crunch berries.
He watched me, grinning as an idiot. I had no choice: I dug in my spoon
and raised a Berry that pulsed with the glowing god-piss. I quickly
crunched down on it, hoping to die quickly. But as soon as it touched
my palate, I exploded into a million pieces, each shred with its own
consciousness, its own memories, its own pain. The agony was unbearable,
and yet I WELCOMED IT. I NEEDED IT. It was the TRUTH of LIFE that had
been hidden from Man throughout existence. As the shreds of meat plopped
to the marble, and self-awareness faded, I realized the extent of the
magnificent gift the god had bestowed upon me.
I awoke in a sweat, panting with a terror never seen before, but knowing
that this had been MORE than just a dream. The message was too clear.
And so, I have been searching to RECREATE the experience, to SYNTHESIZE
the very urine of the gods. Below is the formula, to be used SPARINGLY
by those of STRONG STOMACH and IRON CONSTITUTION.
The Piss of WOTAN
Ingredients: 1 quart apple cider vinegar, in a plastic lidded bottle.
2-3 cloves of garlic
some Tarragon (optional)
10 Habanero peppers
rubber gloves
eye protection
It is essential that a bottle with a metal cap NOT be used. The piss
will eat it away with extreme prejudice. Also, do NOT substitute some
pussy peppers like serrano, jalepeno, or such. ONLY the most POTENT and
fearsome peppers may be used. You might as well just BUY some lame
Tabasco sauce if you don't use the proper peppers. If you can't find
a plastic lid, then remove the metal lid and use a cork.
Pour about half the vinegar into a bowl or something and set it aside.
You'll add it back later. Next, coarsely chop garlic and drop into the
jar of vinegar. Add the Tarragon sprigs. Don the protective gear.
Slice the Habaneros into two or three chunks and force into the bottle
of vinegar, seeds and stems and all. add the vinegar that was removed
earlier to fill the bottle. Cap the jar, or cork. Give a slight
shake, and stash in the back of the pantry for at least a week. Wash
everything the habaneros touched and burn the gloves. I mean it; you'll
be REAL SORRY if you touch a cut habanero.
After a week, the PISS of WOTAN may be used wherever you formerly used
those ineffectual "hot sauces" that the CON fills the store shelves
with. Again, I am NOT responsible for lost work, damaged porcelain, or
ulcers that may result from the use of this dream inspired god-piss.
I have just begun using mine, and let me tell you, just uncapping the
stuff and whiffing will straighten out your short hairs.
--
/ Brought to you by Mars [tm] brand candies. Xenu's favorite! \
/ Andy Testa I'm OT! I could KILL you with a thought! \
\ testa@hou.moc.com BWAAAHHAAAAHAAAAAA! /
\ Contributing to the downfall of Scientology since 1995. /
Subject: Re: Recipe: The Piss of Wotan!
From: SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com (SirWill1)
Andrew J. Testa (testa@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote:
: This posting relates a recipe for the hot sauce of hot sauces. This is
: the Sulphuric Acid to Tabasco's piss water. Not for the timid.
[dream and recipe deleted for the sake of brevity]
Thanks! I make something similar but I use habaneras and Scotch bonnets
blended. Also prefer dill to tarragon.
Got any good chili recipes? I'm thinking of posting one of my secret
chilies to the garlic high colonic thread.
BTW, You might appreciate the following URL:
http://www.hot.presence.com/g/p/H3/index.html
--
/ S'Will - SubGenius ArchBishop of CandorBury \
*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
* ObSig: SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com | ...and in the end *
* | the slack you take *
< Flying Saucer >> Flying Teacup >> Flying Teapot | is equal to >
* Tune in to pirate station radio.gnome.invisible | the slack you make *
* *
\ http://www.voicenet.com/voicenet/homepages/SirWill1/slack.html /
\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+^+~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Recipe: The Piss of Wotan!
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Here's my addition to the thread about peppers and such.
I don't have a specific recipe, because I use a premixed
formula. It's called Montezuma's Secret. Here's the blurb
from the catalog I order from:
"When the Spanish barbarian Cortez burst into the 1520's Aztec court,
he was shocked and intrigued to discover the aged Montezuma reveling
in the pastime of a royal harem. Upon learning that the basis for
this royal pleasuring was an aphrodisiac brew forbidden to all but the
court, Cortez kept the Aztec king alive only long enough to determine
its ingredients and formula. With the rapid culture clash, use and
knowledge of the original Royal Secret was forgotten. The Europeans
brought one of the ingredients into world awareness, the seed of the
Cocoa tree, now a household item. In the original erotic brew cocoa
was blended with unique medicinal herbs and spices to give a drink
worlds apart from our familiar, puny chocolate. Since resurrecting
this lost recipe from an obscure Vatican manuscript, we have been
blending this herbal drink once more, immersed in the business of
pleasure. The intense, pungent mix of bitter, stimulating cocoa seeds,
fiery hot chilies, with the bioactive herbs Damiana, Matico, Kola,
Chamomile and mint.
This exotic beverage has become an underground sensation.
20 cup supply (4 oz) with instructions, $7.00"
There's also a Montezuma's Lite with less hot peppers. The original is
monstrously flammable.
Some other researchers believe that there was also the flowers of
Quararibea funebris in the mix, when used as a divinitory medicine.
These are available separately for $5 for 10 grams.
These, and many other perfectly legal herbal products are available
from:
... Of The Jungle
Box 1801
Sebastopol, CA
95473
The catalog is $2.00, and is more than worth it for the wealth of
ethnobotanical information. Be aware that perfectly legal does not
necessarily mean innocuous. There's some versions of 'frop (NOT DRUGS!)
available that would put a scare into a Haight-Ashbury street person; they
damn sure do a job on some veteran medicine men I know.
Then again, there's some thing in there which are in widespread use by
more people than there are in the US, and are perfectly safe and
legal, and quite mild, such as the Pacific basin's Kava Kava, a mild
sedative like chamomile, and guarana, a stimulant like but milder
than caffeine. Peppers figure heavy into many such things. In fact,
there's now a cayenne based cough suppressant.
If you're interested in this stuff, read either Natural Medicine or
Marriage of Sun and Moon, both by Andrew Weil, MD. If you're more
interested in the high powered divinatory stuff, sorry, I'm afraid
expressing that is against the ethics of my profession. But you could
certainly use the above catalog as a starting point for such
information. It exists, and some of it grows in many, many homes and
yards all across the country.
You could get into an uncomfortable space with some of these things.
I speculate it is because people don't have a relationship with the
things from nature which they use. I practice some kinds of
traditional medicine, and so have such a relationship. I don't have
that relationship with some others because they come from a different
medicine. I would suggest you learn the appropriate medicine before
you engage yourself in anything other than the very mild or healthful
stuff.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Recipe: The Piss of Wotan!
From: hattan@fastlane.net (John Hattan)
(Andrew J. Testa) writes:
I had some habanero-laden vodka a couple of months ago (home-brew by a pal).
My lips and throat burned for hours after one shot.
A helpful hint for habanero-cutting. Have a fan blowing across your cutting
surface as you cut them. This will prevent the vapors from irritating your
skin and eyes. This is EXTREMELY important if you are grinding them up in a
food processor. The updraft from opening a food processor full of these
little beauties is not unlike a shot of pepper spray!
Habaneros are such innocent-looking peppers too! They look a bit like
wrinkled cherry tomatoes. These little monsters are not for amateurs; if you
are less than completely hardcore about your peppers, stick with jalapenos.
---
John Hattan High Popeness for life of the First Church of Shatnerology
The Code Zone Sweet Software for a Saturnine World
hattan@fastlane.net Pbatenghyngvbaf, lbh xabj ubj gb hfr ebg guvegrra!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Cold cure slack
From: me92idc@brunel.ac.uk (Iain Cunningham)
Hi! My name is Dave Rhodes,
Um, no it's not, it's Iain. Anyway I have this great way of making
money fast for all SubGenii everywhere. SELL 'THE PISS OF WOTAN' AS
A COLD CURE/DECONGESTANT.
Let me tell you my story. Last week I saved the 'Piss of Wotan'
article and took it home and made it up (it took me almost SIX
HOURS JUST TO FIND THE FUCKING PEPPERS) and put it in a warm
place.
On Sunday I woke up with the 'flu/a really bad cold, this is
a cold that would KILL any normal but by "Bob" I would not let
the virus take me like any pink. This cold was so severe
that I went out for a curry for lunch (a vindaloo) AND COULDN'T
TASTE A THING.
On Monday morning I woke up and it felt like my very head was
going to EXPLODE from the pressure build up in my sinuses. I'm
afraid that at this point I succumbed to the CLAIMS OF THE CON
and took a couple of paracetamol to ease the symptoms that were
threatening TO BLOW MY OWN HEAD OFF MY SHOULDERS. After an hour
the symptoms came back worse than before, I looked at the packet
of pills '...take two every four hours. DANGER: An overdose
causes liver failure.' etc well damn that SO I TOOK ALL THE PILLS
LEFT IN THE BOX. AND MY LIVER LEAPT OUT OF MY GUTS AND RAN OFF
SCREAMING. BUT STILL MY SINUSES PULSED. So I thought carefully,
and I remembered Andy Testa's warning on the potency of the
Habenero peppers I used to make The Piss of Wotan. So I dug the
bottle out of it's warm place undid the top and did inhale deeply
of the caustic gases it gave off AND ALTHOUGH IT FELT LIKE MY
LUNGS WERE BEING FILLED WITH BURNING NAPALM I DID CONTINUE TO
INHALE UNTIL I COULD INHALE NO MORE.
And then a miracle of "Bob" did happen, my sinuses depressurized
like bursting DAMS, THOUSANDS WERE KILLED AND MILLIONS LEFT
HOMELESS BY THE ONSLAUGHT OF RUSHING MUCUS. By "Bob" I felt good.
As I sit here now, on Tuesday, I have a small phial in my
pocket, which when the sinus pressure starts to build I sniff so
as to be able to relieve my self mightily. And The Piss of Wotan
had only had half its standing time so it should be even better
after it's gone full term.
So I say to you SubGenii go forth and sell The Piss of Wotan
under the Banner of "Bob".
Mr C
--
----|----\ /----\ Iain's three little rules for a good life: (1) Never
| | do anything less than what you believe to be right.
| | (2) In doing (1) don't stop anyone else doing it too.
----|----/ \----/ (3) Apply rules (1) & (2) to every situation you are in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: testa@starbase.neosoft.com (Andrew J. Testa)
Subject: Re: Cold cure slack
This man, nay, this YETI is a TESTAMENT to the kind of bold and
random action that DEMANDS our respect. He not only READ my drivel,
he not only SAVED my spew, he ATE IT! You are destined for greatness,
my son. I bow to you. <long bow, quickly pats for Iain's wallet during
up and down motions>
* On Sunday I woke up with the 'flu/a really bad cold, this is
* a cold that would KILL any normal but by "Bob" I would not let
* the virus take me like any pink. This cold was so severe
* that I went out for a curry for lunch (a vindaloo) AND COULDN'T
* TASTE A THING.
"Bob" help you...I can't imagine not tasting a vindaloo...
But a full Nental boot-to-the-head approaches our hero, dear readers.
He is about to have a totally ASININE IDEA, inspired by YOURS TRULY.
The synapses fire weakly at first, then with increasing confidence his
shaking hands reach for the back of the cupboard...
* And then a miracle of "Bob" did happen, my sinuses depressurized
* like bursting DAMS, THOUSANDS WERE KILLED AND MILLIONS LEFT
* HOMELESS BY THE ONSLAUGHT OF RUSHING MUCUS. By "Bob" I felt good.
Oh, yes, my brother, breathe deep those fumes, that smog of the gods,
that flatulence of pure vegetable heaven. That shit rushes THROUGH your
sinus' right to the top o' yer skull and LODGES right BETWEEN YER EYES!
If anything can pop open that third schnozz-port, it's this stuff.
* As I sit here now, on Tuesday, I have a small phial in my
* pocket, which when the sinus pressure starts to build I sniff so
* as to be able to relieve my self mightily. And The Piss of Wotan
* had only had half its standing time so it should be even better
* after it's gone full term.
Do NOT shake, expose to light, taunt, or otherwise vex this concoction.
My current batch is about two weeks old, and half the peppers have dropped
to the bottom of the bottle. It's like that little red dot that tells
you've pulled off the safety on that automatic. A reminder that the
pin has been pulled, and Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend...
When you're better, try that stuff on some chips (fries here in the US) or
on a sandwich. yummmm, that's good. I've been sneaking tastes of it
by dipping my pinkie into it and licking it off before too many layers of
skin are eaten away. Live on the edge, I say.
It tastes BEST if you lick it off yer food using your sacred "biltong."
--
Original file name: PISS.WOTAN
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