art by fernandinande
Greetings, my brethren and sistren in slack, I have come upon a truly
Dobbs-inspired recipe that I have been allowed to share with you. I
made this two days ago, and only now have my hands stopped shaking
long enough for me to type coherently and sop up the sweat from my
keyboard. Whew! I believe I will be patenting this recipe, as the
concept of a non-enema colon-wash is not in the literature. Now, I hear
ya, friends, and this is NO MERE LAXATIVE! This is no "ooh, my pucker
is stuck, I need some poo-lube," no friends! This is no "spiritual
cleansing" with rose water applied by some turbaned latent SubG to the
asses of Californians, NO SIR! This is the REAL THING without the
carbonation, the PRIMAL and undiluted SHEER GUT FREEFALL! This will
not only scrape clean your TUBES, but will also strip off those
harmful coatings of varnish and OLD CELLS from the delicate and
abused mucous membranes, and ALL WITHOUT COMMERCIAL DRUGS or embarrassing
ABDOMINAL CRAMPS!
But, and I must stress this most vociferously, this is not a method for
the faint of heart! This is not for those who question their faith! This
is STRONG MEDICINE formulated for the THICK YETI COLONS of the most
pure genetic strains of mutants. Those who have not sent money to the
holy of holies will be SMITTEN on their CRAPPERS. I paid for MY book,
but haven't bought my "ticket" yet, and it DAMN NEAR KILLED ME. It
began, as most church miracles do, with the hallucinations. Then began
the messages from the lower intestine: "YOU WILL SHIT NOW." Not a command,
nor a question. Not prodded with pain, just a simple statement of fact.
"YOU WILL SHIT NOW."
Oh, "BoB", what a wrenching blast it was. 75 decibels at least. The
resonant frequency of the commode was reached several times, causing stress
fractures in the porcelain, and micro-tidal standing waves in the water.
Elephants in the zoo some 8 miles distant were reported to become
agitated and to trumpet in reply at the same time. Glass cracked on
the two floors above and below. Then, as I shed 5 pounds and 2 years
worth of built up angst, the unmistakable aroma of garlic infused the air.
That's right, it's ALSO an AIR FRESHENER! My body was ALTERED, changed as
if Dobbs himself had tinkered with the erector set of my chromosomes, into
a GARLIC scented GLADE PLUG IN AIR FRESHENER. Every gaseous emanation from
any and all orifi carried with it the essence of garlic, the Italian Perfume.
With this said, and the proper admonishments made, I now release the
specifics of the holy liquid colon-blow. Attend carefully, and beware
that the SLIGHTEST DEVIATIONS from instructions COULD BE FATAL.
Ingredients:
10 heads of garlic
1 lb butter
1 cup olive oil
1 cup minced basil
Some grated Romano cheese (1/4 cup or so)
Pasta of your choice. (I use the spirals, preferably a few
months old in a loose bag, WITH the weevils.)
notes on ingredients:
yes, that's right, 10 HEADS of garlic, not 10 CLOVES like most pink ass
sissy boy recipes, but a full 10 heads of yeti garlic. Also, use
REAL BUTTER, not that margarine crap. Margarine is for the kind of
flaccid pinks who couldn't lob a proper "mortar of amour" if Nina Hartley
herself begged them to plow her backside. Finally, use fresh basil,
plucked ever so gently from the plant by the shaven lips of Connie
for the most power, but store bought if that's all you can get. Do
NOT use that "dried" basil. That weed is what you cut your dirt grass
with before selling to pinks for a 3000% markup, not for EATIN'.
Directions:
Roast the garlic. wrap the heads tightly in aluminum foil, 2 or 3 per
package. For those of you with math degrees, that means you'll have
4 or 5 packages of garlic. Slap 'em in a 350 degree (F) oven for about
45 minutes. Now, don't PEEL the garlic, just wrap the whole damn thing
up, bugs and all. This can also be used to rid your home of unwanted
guests and pesking, whining, toad-faced in-laws. The garlic will soon
permeate the very space, disturbing the VACUUM ENERGY and teasing your
third shnozz port into an unbidden and violent opening. BE CAREFUL. When
time is up, remove the packages and carefully unwrap them. LET them cool.
DO NOT attempt to handle them when they are hot. They are like unto the
very SCROTAL SACS OF WOTAN, and nearly as potent when hot.
When cool, cut off the tops of the heads, where the green parts would be
if you'd ever seen a real plant, and squeeze the head gently from the
bottom. The pus^H^H^Hgarlic will mush forth as toothpaste from a tube.
Do I have to tell you to do this into a bowl? You wankers probably just
spooged garlic onto the floor, didn't you? USE A BOWL. Use a slotted spoon
to mash up the garlic.
Melt the butter in a saucepan, add the olive oil and basil. heat through
and add the garlic, stirring the mass until it smoothe into the bubbling
vat o' fat. Let this simmer VERY GENTLY for a while, about 15 minutes,
to allow the garlic to infuse the liquids. TREAT THIS AS YOU WOULD ANY
VOLATILE MATERIAL. Like Nitroglycerine, it could go off AT THE LEAST
JIGGLE.
Cook up the pasta al dente. throw it in a small bowl, and ladle a few
tablespoons of the garlic mixture over all. top with 1/4 cup Romano
cheese. Gobble gobble gobble.
Prepare for a night of garlic belches, farts, and sinus emptyings. Allow
an extra 20 minutes bathroom time before work the next morning.
DISCLAIMER: I can not be held responsible for personal or plumbing damage
sustained from the use of this formula. It is strong and intended for
mature audiences, may contain partial nudity. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Andy Testa - lay member, Unclenched Temple of Digital Onanism
testa@hou.moc.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------
art by fernandinande
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: ncm5662@is2.nyu.edu (Nicole C. Michaud)
Here's something-- fry anything in butter and LOADS of chopped garlic.
Like, one cup per person. Chicken works best. Do it until the outer layer
of garlic is almost burnt. Burnt garlic is the best. The point of this is
to have an excuse for eating way too much garlic-- the other stuff, like
meat, is just for flavoring, instead of the other way around. As it
should be.
---Rev. Nickie
-----------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: lmduchez@en.com (Lynn Duchez)
In article <3hup98$431@warez.psyber.com>,
talysman@jasmine.psyber.com (John Laviolette) wrote:
> Nicole C. Michaud (ncm5662@is2.nyu.edu) wrote:
> : Here's something-- fry anything in butter and LOADS of chopped garlic.
> : Like, one cup per person. Chicken works best. Do it until the outer layer
> : of garlic is almost burnt. Burnt garlic is the best. The point of this is
> : to have an excuse for eating way too much garlic-- the other stuff, like
> : meat, is just for flavoring, instead of the other way around. As it
> : should be.
>
> You really *ARE* of French incestry! I love you!
>
*ALL* persons of French ancestry (or incestry) LOVE garlic.
> heh.
>
> Back when I actually cooked, I used to dump garlic powder all over
> everything. Couldn't get cloves too often, I was broke! My garlic lust
> is soooo bad, I once wanted DESPERATELY to make 40-clove chicken (after I
> saw it on a cooking show...) DESPITE the fact that I don't like chicken!
>
Last year, I used to talk about putting garlic on my Wheatena in the
morning...My coworkers thought I
was joking. Then we had a potluck breakfast. =:)
> I also probably still have a HUGE clove of garlic in my refrigerator... one
> about the size of a baby's skull. It's no good now (about two or three
> years old, I'd guess...) but I HAD to have it, when I saw it!
Nonsense. That clove is still powerful enough to kill any Yeti. Almost.
>
> Although I later learned that large cloves aren't as strong...
>
But just as delicious!
-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-
{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}
{*} Lynn Duchez | Whatever you do may seem insignificant, {*}
{*} lmduchez@en.com | But it is most important that you do it. {*}
{*} Subgenius Abbess, | -Gandhi {*}
{*} Pudding Wrestler! {*}
{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}
----------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net>
talysman@jasmine.psyber.com (John Laviolette) wrote:
> Back when I actually cooked, I used to dump garlic powder all over
> everything. Couldn't get cloves too often, I was broke! My garlic lust
> is soooo bad, I once wanted DESPERATELY to make 40-clove chicken (after I
> saw it on a cooking show...) DESPITE the fact that I don't like chicken!
I Love Chicken w/40 cloves of garlic,(only I use about 80) You seal
the lid on the cooking pan with a little flour/water paste and when
you finally open it at the end of the cooking time, the scent fills
the entire house. The best part is : while you're cooking the chicken
you make toast points cooked in olive oil, and drain them, then take
the baked cloves of garlic and smear 'em on the toast like butter.
mmmm that's good eatin'!
Rideo ergo sum-Tarla
----------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: wbarwell@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (William Barwell)
FRIED ANIMALS
One chicken thigh, deboned and cut up into chunks.
One fist full of Beef stew meat cut up into reasonable
sized chunks.
About 8 inches of sausage.
Heat a 10" skillet medium hot, and add about tow tablespoons butter.
Add Beef and sausage
Add two stalks celery, sliced.
One small onion, sliced and quartered
about ten mushrooms washed and halved.
Add chicken.
Cook until beef is done well and onions are cooked.
Stir well as it cooks. Heat should not be too high or veggies
may burn.
Season with Cavender's All Purpose Greek Seasoning as it cooks.
Serves two normals or one ravenous carnivore slob.
Serve with garlic bread and beer.
Beer & Lime smoothie.
One 12 ounce beer.
About three tablespoons Limeaide concentrate.
One tray icecubes.
Place in blender. Hold Blender firmly and turn on high.
You may have to switch speeds back and forth to get the cubes
to all be pulverized. Blend to the consistency of a slurpy.
Serves two persons or one SubGenius Pope on a tear.
Serve in large 7-11 insulated 32 oz mugs with a straw.
Great for drinking when you don't wanna get drunk.
Great hit at parties if you can delegate a 'bartender'.
For Parties use large foam cups.
lemonade can be substituted. So can other fruit drinks some more
successfully than others.
One Scientologist, one bullet
Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope Of Houston
Slack!
---------------------------------------
Well, here's my recipe for hard core pasta
1/2 lb. angel hair pasta
1/2 c. pure virgin olive oil
two FISTFULS of garlic cloves, or as many heads as will fit in your fists
(no wise cracks, please!)
1/4 cup fresh basil
lemon pepper
Parmesan cheese
Mince all the garlic that you've got (add garlic power if necessary).
Place in saucepan with olive oil and basil. Saute/cook until
mushy, like a really potent sauce. set aside.
Cook the pasta 'til just tender.
Mix your garlic concoction with the pasta. Sprinkle with lemon pepper and
cheese, and be sure to inhale as you eat.
> --
> ----John Laviolette---------|-------His Most Feathered Eminence------|
> talysman@psyber.com | My CoCo wants to kill |
> Sacramento CA USA | your mamaboard! |
>
-------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: testa@starbase.neosoft.com (Andrew J. Testa)
Lynn Duchez (aka Lynn Duchez (lmduchez@en.com)) wrote:
[slack-draining attributions and article woofies bobbitted]
: Well, here's my recipe for hard core pasta
[insert a Scooby-doo "Huhhhh?" here] Wow, peeling and mincing that much
garlic is a real ascetic adventure. I salute you, oh holy one! I have
found myself lacking the spiritual strength to withstand such an other-
worldly rite. I have moved on to the wholesale roasting of heads (garlic
by choice, pink if available and fresh) by the dozens. Not the same tang
but oh, the glorious after-effects. Liquid fiber, if you catch my drift.
I do miss the breath-stealing, sinus clearing, chinese mustard effect of
licking the juice of 50 garlic cloves off of my withered fingers.
Hey, Most Glorious of Suburban Middle-class Cult Leaders and Guerrilla
Apocalyptic Doomsayers: I have just been pounded upside, downside, and
INSIDE my head with a commandment for a new form of worship/pentinence.
Have some virtuous and stacked SubG UberBabe crush garlic heads in her
bare hands, symbolizing the stinking and paper-shelled pulp gourds of
the masses seeking a Ticket, then WE, as an act of pure, unadulterated
PERVERSITY, worship her by licking her hands clean. Sure, it's not an
FDA approved method of serving foodstuffs, but it beats (excuse the pun)
Punching the Penguin over that old, sticky issue of Big Butts & Squids.
: mushy, like a really potent sauce. set aside.
: Cook the pasta 'til just tender.
: Mix your garlic concoction with the pasta. Sprinkle with lemon pepper
: and cheese, and be sure to inhale as you eat.
Oh yeah! Gotta try that lemon-pepper, IF you can find it without that
mind-control-laser receptor MSG.
By-the-by: Someone email me my original Garlic High Colonic article
PUH_LEEZE! It got expired here. I sent out a rant requesting said
article and got completely SKUNKED! IGNORED! Not so much as a Piss OFF
Charlie! What do I have to do, hang from the roof by my teeth while a
hamster runs on a wheel dangling from a bowling pin clenched in my
pshincter? Sheesh.
Andy Testa
Lay member: Church of No Deposit, No Return; reformed. Not applicable
in California, Vermont, or New Hampshire.
Testa@hou.moc.com
---------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net>
Reverend Nickie,
Although I appreciate the spontaneous spirit of just tossing a
chicken in a pot with a fistful of garlic, let me expand on the recipe
just a bit in case you want to actually EAT the chicken.
One whole chicken washed inside and out (don't want to catch Mr. Sal
Monella) and salted in the cavity.
Place the chicken on a rack (crushed balls of aluminum foil will work
if you don't have a rack.) inside a tightly fitting casserole dish with
a lid. Take approximately four large heads of garlic
and separate into individual cloves without removing the skins.
Sprinkle the garlic all around the chicken and place several cloves
inside the cavity. Make a thick flour/water paste and smear it around
the lid of the casserole, then clamp that sucker on and shove it into
a 350 degree oven for about an hour. Do NOT take the lid off to check
the chicken during this period. At the end of an hour...remove the
chicken from the oven, take off the lid and step back...Damn fine
victuals!
Lou: I'm sorry I didn't save the high colonic recipe but I do remember
that it had a cup of olive oil and a cup of butter in addition to
the shitload of garlic...dunno if that helps any.
Rideo ergo sum-Tarla
-----------------------------------
Subject: SubGenius Recipes, was Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: MONTYKINS@news.delphi.com (MONTYKINS@DELPHI.COM)
MONTY'S RECIPE FOR EXTRY-GREASY BACON & EGGS
First, put as much bacon into a frying pan as you can. A medium pan
should be able to hold at least six slices. Fry 'em up. When they're done
(not too crispy, not too chewy), remove the bacon, leaving the half-inch
of bacon grease in the pan.
Add four or five scrambled eggs. Cook. When it's done, all the bacon
grease will be IN THE EGGS! Yum! Little chunks of bacon will be in there
too, giving the eggs a certain texture.
Eat. If this is your first EXTRY-GREASY BACON & EGGS, try to hold back
the gag reflex. It (the E-GB&E, not the gag reflex)))) grows on you.
I first developed this recipe because I hate pouring the bacon grease
into a mason jar.
-Monty
--
SPAM optional.
----------------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: mrjuicy@rain.org ()
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Andrew J. Testa (testa@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote:
: Doktor BDB (aka Doktor BDB (bdb@shadow.net)) wrote:
: [deleted my own spoor]
:: This is why you can now find petite jars of pre-chopped "fresh" Garlic in
:: most supermarkets, in the produce section. A small jar is usually about 8
: Oh, how COULD you! EVERYONE knows that once garlic is cut its essence
: begins to fade. It is a fleeting flower, not amenable to preservation
: and quick-fixes. If you want your toes to curl, you MUST use fresh garlic.
yeah, everyone knows that fresh garlic helps to rebuild the slack
reservoir in the foot gland...
if you notice...the mold is pink on old garlic....
superiority through misinformation...
--
///*-- the Reverand Doktor Mr. Juicy speaks -*- don't listen --*\\\
\\\*-------------------this space for rent---------------------*///
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)
In a previous article, testa@starbase.neosoft.com (Andrew J. Testa) says:
>
> Oh yeah! Gotta try that lemon-pepper, IF you can find it without that
> mind-control-laser receptor MSG.
>
No WAY. MSG is a hard and beautiful DRUG. It's BRAIN FOOD. If you want
to cruise the altosphere -- Lot's of Chinese Food and Greene Tea.
I was raised on Monosodium glutimate! They put it in with the tequila in
my bottle! I brush my teeth with it! I chew it like gum! I roll my
cigarettes in it!
I just read the results of a laboratory study that found that Olympian
Gods will neglect ambrosia, nectar, sleep and COCAINE for years on end
for just the slim prospect of MAYBE getting one small hit of MSG.
Teetotal if you like. More for me.
Rips on. Rev. Matthew A. Carey Rips off.
Vision Temple -- Tarzana, Calif.
"Words kill." -- Q**yl*/North '96 -- crunt
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: recipe: Garlic High Colonic
From: SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com (SirWill1)
Patrick D. Bernardo (pdb1981@is.nyu.edu) wrote:
: Here's one - GARLIC SOUP -
Another variation:
PASTA AL YETI
1/2 pound pasta
Lots o'garlic
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1/4 tsp Madras curry
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper or 1/2 tsp Tabasco or Crystal hot sauce
1/2 tsp Kitchen Bouquet
1 sprig fresh dill (optional)
Boil pasta as usual. While the water is coming to a boil peel mass
quantities of garlic and slice crosswise, very thin. Put oil in the bottom
of a 6 quart pot and heat it up. Add the garlic, curry. pepper and Kitchen
Bouquet, stir, reduce the heat to a bare minimum and cover. Begin cooking
pasta so the garlic can roast in the covered pot for about 15 minutes.
Pull the usable part of the dill from the stems and chop it finely.
When the pasta is cooked, drain it thoroughly and transfer it to the pot
of roasted garlic. Toss thoroughly and garnish with finely chopped dill.
Serves one healthy, Yeti appetite or can be divided into two parts and
consumed as part of a more complete, romantic ritual.
Suggested accompaniments:
Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine, Catamount Porter or Guiness Stout!
--
/ S'Will - SubGenius ArchBishop of CandorBury \
*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
* ObSig: SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com | ...and in the end *
* | the slack you take *
< Flying Saucer >> Flying Teacup >> Flying Teapot | is equal to >
* Tune in to pirate station radio.gnome.invisible | the slack you make *
* *
\ http://www.voicenet.com/voicenet/homepages/SirWill1/index.html /
\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+^+~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/
Original file name: HIGH.GARLIC
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.