Lil's Connieite Rant, Tampa 2001

From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>

Are you ready to hear the word of "Bob" tonight? Are you ready for
"Bob"'s word?

Well, TOUGH TITTY, I'm preaching about CONNIE tonight. KANI YUGA!
AIEEEEE BUNDOLO! *yelps, shrieks, carryin' on*

But surely, we're not throwing "Bob" out when we give Connie her due!
We're not usurping J.R. "Bob" Dobbs as the Saint Of Sales! Surely not!

But then again, there's no point usurping that which you already
CONTROL.

No need to come up with new rules or slogans, like "Give me Slack or
give me Chocolate" or "Fuck 'em ONLY if they CAN take a joke."

Or, there's the one Boddhisattva Troutwaxer came up with: "You think
you know what you'll really pay." Think about it.

We COULD spend all evening doing that, but aside from being a TOTAL
LAME RIP-OFF of the Church to which we all belong, it's beside the
point.

See, while Connie teaches, she has no need for dogma. For every
SubGenius has her (or his) own unique vision of Connie. There is only
one Connie, but there is no one Connie, if you get my drift.

If you look in the Book of the SubGenius, you'll see that no two
pictures of Connie look the same. There's a good reason for that. No
other woman could hold the attention span of a man like "Bob"--so using
powers inherited from her mother, The Great Eiiastia of the Dagon, she
literally shifts from one persona to another. Her hairdo and wardrobe,
make-up and skin tone and even her AGE changes by her bidding. She is
the eternal twenty-nine year old, and yet both crone and maiden...

And dear friends, make no mistake, she's always a bad MUTHA.

Thus, there is a Waitress Connie and a Nurse Connie, a Hooker Connie
and a Nun Connie; a Bulldagger Connie with a big strap-on in her jeans
and a Horny Biker Slut Connie who'll take that strap-on out and give it
a good hard ride; there's a VIRGIN Connie, for whom every time is the
first time, and the HOOKER Connie, who knows every trick in the book
and will do them all for the right price!

There's an Earth Goddess Connie who keeps her feet on the ground, and
an Astronaut Connie who MUST GET OFF; there's a goth Connie and an
ELVIS CONNIE; there's a FIVE-YEAR-OLD CONNIE playin' Doktor for the
very first time, and a 97-YEAR-OLD CONNIE who runs ads in nationwide
swinger's magazines. There's the Porn Starlet Connie, the Housewife
Connie, the Prison Guard Connie, the Farmer's Daughter Connie, the
shemale Connie, the chubby Connie, and the Cowgirl Connie riding a
Bucking "Bob"!

THERE IS EVEN A CONNIE WHO DOESN'T FUCK AT ALL.... but who gives a damn
about HER?

And most importantly, there are sweet, playful Connies... and then
there are the DARK CONNIES.

Let us never forget the Wrathful Connie, The Bitch Goddess Connie, the
Connie Scorned, the Really Scary Connie. KANI-MA! KANI-MA! KANI YUGA!!!
For Connie puts up with NO CRAP.

CONNIE HAS RISEN--AND SHE'S HUNG OVER AS HELL. DON'T FUCK WITH HER, YA
DUMBASS!

Now, seriously, Connie DOES have something to teach each of us. Not
dogma, but personal lessons. But there are some profound gifts of
Connie's wisdom I'm gonna share with you tonight. And number one on
that list is:

JUST BECAUSE IT'S CUTE DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T DEADLY.

In fact, friends, cuteness is one of those things the Conspiracy has
utterly perverted to its own ends, to become one of the most potent
traps any person might face. And if you aren't careful, it'll snag you
too, and it WON'T let go.

But fortunately for all us, Connie is DAMN CUTE.

But cuteness only goes so far in this world. The Normals don't respect
being cute, and no Connieite I know is silly enough to rely on cuteness
to survive among the Pinks. Which leads to the next point:

We may not be able to run from our own legs, but we sure as Hel can
FUCK THE CONSPIRACY WITH ITS OWN DICK.

Not that the opportunity to do so arises as often as we'd like, but
when it does... AH! Nothing quite satisfies as much as knowing that the
repressive dildo They had planned for YOUR butt, wound up THEIR escape
hatch.

Speaking of escape, It's true that the lesson of X-Day, as preached by
the great Rev. Ivan Stang, was: Build Your Own Ship. However, we
learned something even more IMPORTANT at XXX-Day, my third point
tonight:

BUILD YOUR OWN SEX GODDESS.

For I ask you: What is the point of building your own Pleasure Saucer
if you forget to get a SEX GODDESS to go along with it?!? I ask you!

While the Pleasure Saucers can show up at ANY MOMENT, it's important to
drill for the Rupture, and to build our own ship AND our own sex
goddesses, so that we're ready NO MATTER WHAT.

We'll Rupture with or without Xist assistance, "Bob" damn it, and we're
taking our sex goddesses with us. And we'll see just how the Pinks feel
about THAT.

But we have a lot of choices in sex goddesses.

Your personal sex goddess could be as humble as a deck of badly printed
pornographic playing cards.

Or it could be that silver-screen diva that first made you go, WHOA.

Or could be a Venus of Willendorf blow-up doll.

Or it could be that eighteen-year-old Catholic schoolgirl who peeks at
you and smiles.

Or it could be a bombastic transsexual SubGenius preacher with an
infectious case of Connieitis, and tonight she's spreading it around,
CAN I HEAR A SNEEZE OUT THERE?!? ACHOO, Connie bless you, sisters!

Or it could be YOURSELF. And that is the reason why you should thank
Connie for letting us stay on earth until we figured that one out.

But we've learned our lessons! Maybe she'll get in touch with Narnini
and get the Rupture underway for once!

Or maybe, as Sister Decadence once suggested, Connie is just waiting
for this Church to be half female.

Which means, my friends, we must reach out to our slackless sisters,
and let them know there is hope!

For there exists a real Conspiracy behind the patriarchy AND the
hardcore feminists alike--but as long as one woman among us has slack,
THEY CANNOT WIN.

And with enough of us having slack, WE... SHALL... OVERCOME!

And we shall COME OVER, AND COME OVER COME!!

And COME OVER AND OVER--UNTIL WE BECOME OVERCOMERS FOR CONNIE...!!!!
HEUNGH!!!

AND SO I SAY TO YOU TONIGHT:

If, if by any chance you would make a mistake to try to come in and
take any slack from us, we will not let you, you will cry - You will
have to take anybody's slack over all our boobies...!

They say love is the only weapon...! Princess Diana DIED looking for
love! Mother Teresa died talking about something she couldn't
understand, some kind of idealized love! And she never even used a
fucking condom! She couldn't whup it, and she never EVER went down!

Love isn't the only weapon with which I got to fight. I got a helluva
lot of weapons to fight! I got my TITTIES, I got BRAINS, I got SLINKY
DRESSES, I got LEAD-WEIGHTED PURSES, I got a helluva lot to fight! I'll
fight! I'll fight! EYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI I will fight!

Remember this, dear friends: "Bob" sold us on the deal, but CONNIE
DELIVERS.

Thank you, hail Connie, praise "Bob", and GOOD NIGHT!

Her Ladyship Lilith
Tampa Devival, Sept. 29, 2001

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Original file name: Lil's Connieite Rant, Tampa 200 - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:30