HellPope Strains Brain's Groin In Reach For Europe

From: HPH <guitsynth@yahoo.com>

PopeBlack sez "Huey, fling something at me for the burgeoning European SubGenius site, for I am a drunken German pud with the power to cop cheapo beer steins from bars with glaring, sacred impunity." So I said okay.

>"HellPope Huey's In-argh-ural Greeting to the
Euro-Subs Who Haven't Quite Figured Out How Mad PopeBlack Really IS and Are Unsuspectingly Trusting Him Handle the Site, BWAHAHAHAHAAAA" <

Certain dewy young newbies to the Way of Dobbs have come up to me, wizened old SubGenius silverback that I am and asked "Reverend Huey, exactly what is 'Bob' like?" I say to them, "'Bob' likes a life of energetic indolence, that's the way of Slack, fool!" And then they say, "NO, what IS 'Bob' LIKE?" I kick the nearest one in the crotch, send him headfirst into a tree to focus the group and explain it to them like this:

"You have to wear sunglasses, a gas mask and lead BVDs to protect your goodies, because that's the kind of energy "Bob" is emitting all the time. Its a powerful thing. Why do you think you always see the pipe going with no LIGHTER in sight? Its a whole 'NOTHER kind of internal combustion, PRAISE "Bob!" One fool got MAD at Stang because he wouldn't reveal "Bob's" PHONE number! What an idiot, all you ever get is that weird answering machine thing and no callbacks anyway! The one time I think I was actually talking with "Bob" himself, all the cash disappeared from my wallet, my bank card had been wiped and my butt was sore for a week. Gary G'Broagfran claims that was Philo, but I don't think so. Philo smells like old 'Transformers' episodes, ozone, patchouli, cordite and schnappes; "Bob" smells like "Bob." Philo prefers girls; 'Bob' will screw the GROUND in a pinch. No comparison. How could there be? We're only whatever we are; how could we hope to match up with a guy who can make the very EARTH have an orgasm? Love that 'Bob!"

"I've since realized I got off light. Some poor souls either wind up scuttling around like lobsters for the rest of their lives, and I mean those who weren't ALREADY scuttling around like lobsters, or worse yet, end up in a canister in the Church basement in Dallas. Stang says only souls are in them, but I think that in a few extreme cases, its the entire corporeal BOBBIE. I have a really suspicious ashtray Jesus SAID was cast from resin, but I think it might be BOBBIE skull. Governor Rocknar came close to being encanted that way early on, but then he handed over $1000 cash, passed his Rock & Stick test and thus saved himself. So can you; just fork over the dough. Besides, if "Bob" actually talks to you in person before you've been properly 'seasoned' by your Glandscaping, SubScarification and Goddessian Sexualization, your head will do a "Lost Ark" meltdown, which would lessen your earning potential considerably. "Bob" therefore doesn't do face-to-face often because he doesn't want to damage his CAPITAL base. So shut the hell up and enjoy your frop. Many children in Glumpville would be GLAD to have that frop, y'doofus.

"You just shouldn't trifle with a man who created a very efficient little Crisco pump that, on demand, will allow the soles of his shoes to exude a steady layer of it just perfect for skateboarding hijinks without ruining the trim lines of his torquoise Italian loafers. No, its hard to figure a guy who'd leave a trail of goo behind him ON PURPOSE, sell the design on late-night TV and STILL not wind up in court for all the broken limbs and hips people got from slipping in the slime trails. And yet he sent an aloe vera cactus to every single such broke-boned victim of his most recent success. Hey, that's just the kind of thoughtful guy "Bob" is.

"While it can help you to get on "Bob's" good side, there's no guarantee. He has so many sides, it makes the Wheel of Fortune look like a Mexican finger puzzle. Sometimes the most vile and pernicious Subgeniuses receive the best of "Bob's" transmitted luck, while hard-working and dedicated Subs who TRY to promote his good works end up with a pineapple enema. Just as he makes a million bucks every time he fucks up, so too do his followers fall prey to the greatest/worst "luck" for no apparent reason. "Bob" is like a pelican who should have no reason to fly, aerodynamically speaking, yet he flaps around getting all the best fish and crapping wheresoever he pleases. When somebody manages to get his attention long enough to point out that he can't really fly, being of that laughable shape, he just looks down, laughs and sez "Then how the fuck am I doing THIS?" and lets loose a stream of shit that peels paint from cars within a 50-foot radius of your insolence. That's one hell of a comeback for yer ass, ain't it?

And the ultimate beauty of it is, that Dobbs guano sells for more on the open market than PLATINUM. You just squirt a little on the garden and WHOA-HO-HO, its TRIFFID time! I got an ear of corn 3 feet LONG that way! Drop a seed on DOBBS-enriched soil and jump back, because that sucker is going to sprout so fast, you could get a knockout punch to the jaw when that first bud shoots up from the ground. Its kind of like a reverse game of 'Grunties,' the semi-popular, clench-coins-with-yer-ass British pub game. So there's shit and then there's SHIT and with "Bob," the buffet will ALWAYS include BOTH kinds. The trick is to pay enough into the Church to buy one of those nice anti-DobbsShit slickers that will repel the bad ones while allowing the good ones to fill up the generous pockets. I don't know why it comes with a strap-on dildo, but who am I to question the world's most enigmatic and BEST-DANCING 'man'? I paid m'thirty, now talk to me dirty, praise 'BOB!' SALUD!"

So says me.

HellPope Hueyô,
I reserve the right to be
at LEAST as weird as you.

"It was a miracle AND it was gross! Cool!"
- "The Simpsons"

"So maybe I'm over-thinkin' it,
but hey, its what I do."
-Bill Hicks, "Arizona Bay"

Huey is constantly being wearily represented by
Ozone, Patchouli, Cordite and Schnappes,
very tired Attorneys-At-Law
Go to: http://ouchytheclown.com

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Original file name: HellPope Strains Brain's Gr - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:30