From: HellPope Huey X <radiopopeNOraSPAM@hotmail.com.invalid>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 22, 2000 7:28 PM
Message-ID: <25dbfa85.2446091b@usw-ex0107-055.remarq.com>
HellPope Huey is widely hailed as the true inventor
of the fuel
cell, that rubber thingy that lets you open stubborn
jars more
easily, Doctor Satori's Baby Knockout Drops For Overwhelmed
Parents, the suppressed 20-year-lifespan car tire, the
night-light-equipped truss and the full line of Doc
Johnson
marital aids up to 1984. He began his broadcasting career
retroactively in 1963, building a name for himself via
the time
machine he invented in the garage. It runs on Cheetohs.
Many claim he is a charlatan, but none have ever mustered
the
expertise or the personal drive to prove him wrong.
He is the
Dogbert of New Orleans, miraculously stirring up funding
for any
one of a number of esoteric and sometimes suspect ventures,
yet
projects such a confident and sunny air that the bucks
just keep
on coming. Among his failed but fondly remembered credits
are the
hover-trollies, (he kept the grant money) Uncle "Bob's"
Latex
Halloween Wonderland and the Ice Cream Catapault. He
furiously
knits obscene tea cozies in his spare time. They fetch
top dollar
on eBay.
Huey was born to play the synthesizer and was heard
to emit many
sounds associated with the instrument, even before it
was
commonly available. Once he acquired one, the neighbors
objected,
but they have all mysteriously disappeared. He is now
surrounded
by the deaf, for whom he is an avid advocate. He is
also
championed by the ASPCA due to his very effective sonic
pet
sterilization program.
Huey is well-traveled in the worldly sense, but has
had his
passport revoked after trying to dominate the curry
market
through the rigging of a bogus lottery based in New
Dehli,
selling forged Nazi memorabilia in Ecuador, necklaces
of gilded
penguin feet in the Canary Islands, ersatz Coca-Cola
in Vietnam
and "volcano insurance" along the Pacific
Rim. He narrowly
escaped with his virginity after short-weighting a hash
merchant
in the United Arab Emirate.
Huey has been a HellPope in the Church of the SubGenius,
a faux
Moonie, a traveling Rosicrucian "fund-raiser",
an Amway rep, a
used tire salesman, a cowboy, an astronaut, a policeman,
a film
stand-in for Ronald Coleman, a REALLY mad scientist
and the
manager of a traveling freak show that stunned the South
for 12
years. (Remember the Devil Chicken?) He has nearly been
mugged
countless times and seemingly attracts miscreants like
flies to
peanut butter cups, yet has ALWAYS been rescued by meteorites
which appeared from nowhere and crushed the skulls of
his
would-be robbers. He has appeared in 12 pornographic
films, all
of them animated. He often sports a really nice, hand-stitched,
spangle-bedecked codpiece he made himself. It shoots
little gas
pellets when he gets in a tight spot on the street.
Huey was the first known person to convert an ancient
Chevrolet
(affectionately known as "Luby") over to the
use of liquified
natural gas as a propellant. It cornered like a sumbitch.
It was
a limited success, as the 12-foot flames that shot out
the back
like the Batmobile led to numerous complaints of damaged
paint
jobs and fried pets. Just prior to the implimentation
of a
class-action suit for damages, Huey's prototype exploded.
Fortunately, he was hurled clear, landing in the middle
of an
open-air pillow sale. Charges were dropped when the
city
considered it to be a public service that the flaming
wreckage
killed 4 mimes in the park. He is alive today after
hitting on a
mob boss's girlfriend, only because he makes a downright
mystical
etouffe. He owns a full "Iron Man" suit, just
like in the Marvel
Comics, but he can't seem to get the left rocket boot
to work
dependably, so he flies around in great loops a lot.
He regrets inventing China, calling it his greatest
failure. "It
just got out of hand at the beginning and snowballed
before I
could slam on the brakes. I'm really sorry." says
Huey. His
personal magnetism is such that in his presence, strong
men
flinch, women swoon and dogs try to dig holes in hardwood
floors.
He gets away with so much because he created the chili
dog, which
has made him a perennial favorite with the booboisie.
Part of his appeal on the Prince of Darkness Media
Network
results from the large numbers of people who battle
outside the
Bourbon Street Studios, half to remove him, half to
keep him
there. The fights are broadcast overnight on Fox and
bettors
generate amazing amounts of cash on the sidelines, trying
to
settle which group will win out that night. His cut
enables him
to continue his frightening takes on the entrepeneurial
spirit.
He must always exit the building via the emergency magnet-train
chute, which opens at an undisclosed location in Lafayette.
There are none like him, which is good, as the world
cannot be
reasonably expected to support two of his kind. You
cannot look
away. Well, you can look away, but you'll have to keep
the
camphor-soaked rag over your mouth, as the cachet lingers
like
the memory of your first lousy lay. Where's my SPY camera,
you
bastards, I KNOW one of you HAS it!
HellPope Huey,
Inventor of Dr. Satori's
Last-Ditch Baby Knockout Drops For Shattered
Parents
"Hello from the gutters of New York City, which
are filled with
dog manure, vomit, stale wine, urine and blood. But
I am still
here like a spirit roaming the night. Thirsty, hungry,
seldom
stopping to rest; anxious to please Sam."
- letter from David "Son of Sam" David
Berkowitz,
to Jimmy Breslin, 1977
*************
"He's the only person I know who understands
the proper use of the semicolon."
- Jimmy Breslin, after receiving this letter
"Being a bastard isn't a lifestyle choice; its
something you're
born with, like musical talent or an undescended testicle."
- Bill Maher
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Original file name: The Huey Papers- Why I Don't S... - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:32
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