About all I can say is I don't want to hear any more about "leeenux" or
"eunuchs" or any kind of haquer talk from you-all, because if I wanted
an app to open a file I know about five places where I could just go get
that app, and I'm not even any kind of haquer. So anyway here's the
plain text version of my famous, controversial Connie pamphlet:
Secrets of Connie -- REVEALED!!
Women seem mysterious, strange and incomprehensible to men. Men have
accused women of being illogical for centuries, barring women from
prominent decision-making positions because of their supposed frailty
and lack of reasoning ability. The Gospel of Connie reveals the truth
about this long-held belief in female inferiority. Women have as much
logic as men, it is their goals and methods which are different. Men
see accomplishment-- doing something important or difficult-- as the
ultimate goal. Women view their own pleasure as the ultimate goal.
The art of making women happy has mystified men for so many centuries
that in recent years they had largely given up trying, before "Bob" came
along and rekindled interest in the subject. Women have strong urges to
communicate their desires, but men are often baffled by the seemingly
contradictory messages women send. At one time a woman wants to be
cradled and held, at another time she wants to be strong and
independent. Women's ability to completely change their outlook on life
from moment to moment frustrates men, who feel that these changes are
intended solely to confuse them. Be confused no more! Constant change
is the Way of Connie, the way of all women. Expect change, learn to
thrive on uncertainty, and most importantly, listen, listen, listen.
Like thunderstorms, women often send warning signals that indicate a
change in their attitudes.
Many gurus, including "Bob," claim that happiness is solely an inner
experience that need not depend on external circumstances. This may be
true, but the fact remains that insults, disappointments, or sheer
boredom with life make women unhappy. Women are especially affected by
negative interactions with other people, because women are more attuned
to the social structure and human dynamics. Where men see a room full
of people, women see a complex web of affections and enmity spiraling
off into the past and future. The Eye of Connie is a heavy burden
indeed!
Men, whose goals are primarily centered around achievement, usually
ignore the unhappiness caused by bad feelings from other people. As
long as they are achieving their goals, social acceptance doesn't seem
important to them. Women see any form of unhappiness as something to be
dealt with, a problem. They seek to immediately regain happiness. A
ready supply of shoulders to cry on, comforting arms, and blatant
flattery is the key to restoring a woman's happiness. Never ridicule a
woman for wanting to cry, even if you cannot understand the logic of
it. Women deal with the subtle web of social intrigue, as well as the
inner shifts of complex hormones, and sometimes they just need to cry.
You men may never understand this, but it is the Way of Connie.
The essence of womanhood is declared in Cyndi Lauper's girl anthem
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." Truer words were never spoken. If you
want to win and keep women, make sure that you are fun to be around.
This doesn't mean keeping up a steady stream of jokes and talk: most
women find extremely talkative men [or extremely quiet men] boring.
Every woman has her own idea of what is fun. Give her that, and she'll
always want to be with you. Try to hide her away from the rest of the
world, and she'll end up marching down the street as part of an all-girl
party militia. Heed the Way of Connie! The NEWEST Way!!!
For more information on Connie and her mighty Church of the SubGenius,
send $1 to:
The Church of The SubGenius
PO BOX 140306 Dallas, TX 75214.
Original file name: connie pamphlet
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