Listen Up, Bretheren! I'm only gonna say this a million times.
I'm sick and tired of giving my time and money and soul and squirt away to
preach this ol' Word of "Bob" at tiny little dives and bars, where the
only type of interaction is with ME and a bunch of sweaty primates, or
else between Stang and Legume, or Nickie and Jesus Devilaqua. Not that I
don't enjoy those intimate types of gatherings, but I haven't been paid
for those YET and I'm not getting paid for this, not even by my financial
backer, President DynaSoar Iridium, current ruler of alt.slack since
Nickie's gone and Lou's working a hangover and GGG has other plans and
Sterno's gone and gotten married and Stang's off in AOL-Land. So what am
I gonna do about this lack of paid preaching pulpits?
I'm gonna ROLL in 'em and beg for some more!! What would any
self-re-specting preacher DO at a time like this if not BEG the very Dobbs
he (or she) Worships for MORE UNPAID CRAPPY 3-MINUTE PREACHING
ENGAGEMENTS AT SEEDY NIGHTCLUBS IN CITIES WORLDWIDE! I want more! More!
But beyond that feeble beg, dear friends, there is another place where I
can rant and preach for free. The only difference is, my bretheren--
YOU CAN TOO!
At Sherman, NY's famous Brushwood Folklore Society, the Church of the
SubGenius is holding it's annual X-Day Drill, from July 4-7, 1996. And
you bretheren, don't you know, Praise "Bob", there are absolutely NO
EVENTS PLANNED WHATSOEVER! Except for, you know, a little chanting lead by
the Rev. Ivan Stang.
So why should you come out dear friends? Well, if you're like this little
whelp, you enjoy every chance you get to let out with the Church Air and
to give a long or short, pull-down-the-briefs homily on the wonders of the
Amazing J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' Slack. Or your own! And not only that,
because you like to preach!
What IS definately gonna be at this no-holds barred event, dear friends,
are open microphones set up around the campsite, linked to loudspeakers
where you can project your very own voice through the air, through the
Magnificent Church Air, becoming ONE with the Church Air and making your
every utterance a very part and veritable Body of "Bob" itself! Not only
that...
But once your SubBretheren show up, and particularly the ones from
alt.slack whom you are more favorably inclined towards...all of them no
longer inhibited by having to type their rants out, no longer distraced by
the tap-tap-tap of the keys and they pound their emotions and zealous
mania down the throats of the unbelievers...no longer able to deny what
they have said due to the magic of their backspace key...my friends, we
can have the damndest ALL-OUT TAG-TEAM PREACH-OFF the world has ever seen.
Imagine the old-timey doks ASTOUNDED by your skills! Impress all of the
possible genders with your talent! Actually COPULATE IN MID-AIR with your
fellow SubGenius preachers as we all chirp like birds...meld with the
trees and the stars...walk up that Stairway to the Logical Heaven with
CyberHippies and shamans...meet everyone in a collective frenzy of psychic
and bodily ejaculations while you simmer in righteous hatred of ALL
HANGUPS to your preaching skill. Get practicing! The moment is NOW to
start another thread of preaching riffs. Don't cop somebody
else's...remember, until we meet at that Locus in the Sky over Sherman, at
that Pivotal Moment when One Fact of Slack Reigns and remains Supreme, you
won't even worry about being Judged, because YOU will have Raised the
Standard...YOU will have Sounded the Trumpet...You will have Set the Tone
and Manifest the Destiny of not only this insignificant little
news-group...Nay, not even of the Entire Church-at-large...but YEA VERILY
of the Entire Universe itself! And THRILL to the delights as it wraps you
up like Saran Wrap when the X-Day Drill's Little Rubber X-ists Bounce your
way! You will not be disappointed, dear friends. Remember, you have been
called-you are a part of the team-nothings holding you back, and
YOU NEED YOUR SLACK!!! Yeahhhhh, Tag-Team Preach-Off, Man!!
Keep It Up.
Dr. Ginsu
Original file name: TAGTEAM
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