LOOK at me, children. I am turning my GLANDS INSIDE OUT for you.
I have BARED my pstench to you, and I have done this with a
HUGE BARKING OVEN TEMPERED WILD ASSED PURPOSE.
Am I more of THE JOKE? Am I the TEEE VEEE? Am I some fur lined
screeching BALL of TEETH and PREHENSILE PENII for NAUGHT?
NO, this is NOT THE JOKE, children, this is DEADLY damn serious,
serious as a heart attack, serious as cancer, serious as the
CREEPING COLD INSIDIOUS NORMALCY that gnaws on our heels if we
but stand still.
I've NEVER asked a dollar, nay even a dime of any of you. Unlike
many fine Preachers for "Bob" who follow his way and sell their
fine goods (and well they all should), I have only traded a few
and purchased a few but have never asked for ONE "BOB" BLESSED CENT.
It's MY turn now, children, to ask of you for those dollars.
TEN YEARS I watched over the building of the electronic clench here.
Ten long years I held the faith for "Bob" while the bits and the pinks
and the vagaries of the early net stymied my efforts. Until in this
last year, The Church Arrived! Yea, and our numbers increased ten
fold, and the traffic twenty fold, and I looked upon this and said,
Verily this is HOT BY DAMN BOY HOWDY GOOD SHIT. And thus I CRANKED
my glands to overflowing and SPEWED FORTH the word of Dobbs, to make
welcome all Yetinsyny who may happen by.
And I have grown Slackful because of it.
And also I have tried to return that so that you may share in the
Slack.
And now the time draws nigh that we must prepare for the coming
End Times. We must be READY to FIGHT the CON to be first on board.
For it is NOT YET certain who will win the WOR of THIS WORLD. We
must meet the challenge of the CONspiracy and emerge as WORLD LEADERS
in our OWN RIGHT, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.
And so I crank it YET AGAIN. PAST 11, PAST 12, I turn the knob up to
666 and a SCREEEEEEEEEEEELLL pstenchful FEEDBACK and I HOOOOOWWWWWLLL
with BOILING YETI JUICES, and I OOZESQUIRT UPON THE BITWAVE that I
might make your shorts STICK unto thee, yea and you shall need TWO
HANDS and a CROWBAR to pry them off. And I do it only because
I WANT TO BE AMONG THE CHOSEN. We need PRESIDENTS. LOTS of PRESIDENTS.
We MUST outnumber the CON and BEAT them at their game. We should ALL
become presidents before the time comes so that when the line forms,
it forms CROSSWAYS and EVERY LIVING YETI gets a chance at the loading
ramps. MAKE ME one of those. VOTE FOR ME. SEND DOLLARS.
GET ENVELOPES. GET STAMPS. WRITE POBOX140306DALLASTX75214 AND SEND
DOLLARS. LOTSA damn dollars. USE them to VOTE with JUST LIKE THE
BIG UGLY CON-IFEROUS CON-FUSION. DOLLARS. STAMPS. MAIL. DALLAS.
CHURCH. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE FOR ME FOR YOU FOR ANYONE, AGAINST ME
AGAINST YOU AGAINST ANYONE.
Am I not WORTHY, my Yeti kin? Have I not SPARKED your GLANDS in at
least some of the ways of the Churchly material? I KNOW you've enjoyed
it and have returned it a hundred fold, but that's NOT GOOD ENOUGH. It
takes DOLLARS to show your love for "Bob". By Dobbs I am NOT just
passing the HAT, I'm passing the STEEL REINFORCED ALL WEATHER TREAD 55
GALLON CONDOM for "BOB". FILL ME UP WITH PREMIUM.
GIVE of those DOLLARS children, TEN, FIVE, TWO, even ONE. For EVERY
dollar SOMEONE should get A VOTE. I WANT IT TO BE ME, if NOT someone
else. Send it for SOMEONE to get a VOTE. I don't care WHO. But if
nothing else, I am here STRIVING TO EARN IT. I don;t just SAY to
send me money, I SHOVE THE REASONS IN YOUR SNOUT. I POUR my
accumulated Slack into these RANTS and SONGS that your might INCREASE
in SLACK and FORK OVER THE PAYBACK.
FORK! STAMPS! ENVELOPES! DOLLARS! PO BOX 104306, DALLAS, TX 75214!
SEND! DOLLARS! VOTE FOR ME! VOTE FOR "BOB! VOTE FOR EVERYBODY!
VOTE! MONEY! DOLLAR! SLACKSLACKSLACK! BUY PRESIDENTS WITH PRESIDENTS!
TURN GREEN PINK MONEY INTO CLEAN "BOB" MONEY! DO IT! DO ME! NOW!
PLEASE SEND A DOLLAR FOR EVERY VOTE FOR ANYONE YOU WANT, OR AGAINST
ANYONE YOU WANT! GIVE ME VOTES OR K I L L M E ! DOLLARSSSSSSSS!
I don't know what else I can say, children. Except that I am NOT
joking, I REALLY DO want you to send a dollar for every vote you
want to place, for anyone, against anyone, I don't care. Just VOTE.
If no one else, at least me, because I'm asking and I'm trying to
earn it, as a faithful follower of The Way of the Industrial Church.
Oh, yeah... PLEASE.
OK, for tonight's song, let's have something different.
Let's see what I have bubbling around in here.
Did you ever think you'd see one of these?
A SubGenius Love Song:
IN OUR GLANDS
(after "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel)
Rejecting all they say is "right"
to find our way with Yeti sight.
Til we take it ALL in, oh
it remains in our glands.
Oh we shall ooze and squirt
We will smell Yeti pstench.
We will share every inch
of our feet again.
Ooh
In our glands (in our glands)
In our glands (in our glands)
In our glands (in our glands)
In our glands
Atlantean instincts, they return
And the pink facade, so soon will burn
With lots of noise, while X-ists ride
We'll squirt out from the inside
In our glands
In our glands
In our glands
In our glands
The smell, the sweat (in our glands)
In our glands
We are all wet (in our glands)
In our glands
I see the doorway to Subgenius clenches (in our glands)
>From the Dallas halls (in our glands)
to old park benches (in our glands)
Oh I see the smell and the sweat
(in our glands in our glands)
Oh, I wanna have lots more yet (in our glands)
I wanna touch the smell, the sweat I see in our glands
(In our glands)
(In our glands)
(In our glands)
(In our glands)
(In our glands)
(In our glands)
In our glands
Accepting only what we want,
we want to do it all again.
Til there's nothing left of us
It remains in our glands
Whatever comes and comes
Oh it's in our glands
In our glands
In our glands
In our glands
Elect a SubGenius for Last President of the United States
To vote, send $1 to: PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
For me: "SubPresident DynaSoar"; against me: "Kill Dynasoar"
Vote early, vote often, vote for or against anyone you want.
--
Doktor DynaSoar Iridium -- dynasor@infi.net -- Punctuator of Evolution
Original file name: SERIOUS
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.