"Say! Say, this Slack stuff is GREAT! I sure would like to meet "Bob" for
real! I bet he's pretty fucking cool!"
Sound familiar? It's that very regrettable but tragically necessary stage
that most (there are exceptions) of the Faith must go through, on the
journey to transcend that Faith. "Praise "Bob"!" the Praiser hears, and
believes it to be serious. They do not feel the gut-wrenching Hate that
the words engender in those who have matured beyond the Praise stage, into
the Kill stage, or even further into the Annihilate "Bob" stage or further
yet into the unknown heights of the Retroactively-Remove-"Bob"-From-Ever-
Existing-Even-As-A-Syllable-Via-Time-Control-Techniques stage, the Hate
that coils and builds until...UNTIL...
...the Harvest.
More on that later--it goes beyond the external manifestation of "X-Day,"
let me tell you.
In the first few weeks after I had officially "joined" the "Church" by
"paying" "Money," and thus "gaining" a "ticket" to the "Escape" "Vessels",
I had to pass through my own Praise stage. It's a lot like learning to
walk, or toilet training, or learning to walk while using the toilet. It's
just a necessary stage, okay???
Then I met "Bob" for the first time. "Bob" kicked in the door to my house
when everyone was asleep and COULD NOT WAKE UP, all but me. "Oh shit," I
said, "It's "Bob"! Hi "Bob"! I've heard all about you! Do you want a
drink or someth..."
"Bob" exhaled a burning cloud of mustard gas out of his fucking pipe at me,
and I spent the next ten minutes, ten minutes that felt like ten thousand
years and maybe actually WERE, clawing at my eyes as my skin melted away
and screaming for someone, anyone, to just please fucking kill me just make
the pain STOP PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP.
When I came to, I saw "Bob" grab the family dog, lock it into a vice, rip
down his pants, and impale it through the ribs on his throbbing, spiked,
poison-coated cock. Even though I had recovered enough to think coherently
from the nerve toxin, it had still left me paralyzed, so I could only
watch. I couldn't even fucking TALK, my larynx was paralyzed. Most people
don't know dogs can fucking scream, and "Bob" was just fucking GRINNING as
bright frothy lungblood sudsed over his pistoning Engine of Slack, and when
he finally, mercifully, came, the force of it blew the innocent animal
apart into bloody shreds but the shreds KEPT ON LIVING FOR THE NEXT THREE
MONTHS. "Bob" tipped his hat to me and walked out the door, and I finally
gained motor control over my larynx again and screamed "YOU'RE A DEAD MAN,
DOBBS! YOU HEAR ME??? YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN!!!"
Thus, I had made the necessary transition from Praise to Kill. I have
killed "Bob" several times now, and it gets better each time. Someday,
somewhere, I WILL make it last permanently, if I have to RIP THE ENTIRE
UNIVERSE INTO OBLIVION to do it.
Praise "Bob"? FUCK YOU! KILL "BOB"! For that matter, KILL YOU, TOO!
--
The Reverend Gar Drastic aka Gary Achenbach aka drastic@camelot.bradley.edu
"Do I advocate another revolution? What do you mean, -another-? We have
yet to see the first. But it's coming." -- Edward Abbey
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: modemac@netcom.com (Modemac)
Subject: Re: Dobbsdeath and Personal Growth
<*sniff*> <wiping tear from eye> Beautiful! More more more!
Don't you just LOVE it? Every time a new TRUE SEEKER OF SLACK WHO IS NOT
A BOBBIE appears on alt.slack, I get a warm tingly feeling right >there<.
FUCK those who say alt.slack is a Pink wasteland. It's stuff like THIS
that makes it all worthwhile! The mighty Church of the SubGenius has
always been plagued by Pinkness, but still the glowing beacon of Slack
shines through for those who have RIPPED THE BLINDERS OFF and WHIFFED THE
PSTENCH of DOBBS! ...And then they tracked him down and KILLED him to
show just how true they are to the path of Slack.
The mighty Newsgroup of the SubGenius is EXACTLY THE SAME THING. It's
got its share of Pinkness and garbage and barnacles stuck to the hull
beneath the water level - but nevertheless, we are still blessed by
visits from people like my ShorDurPerSav of the day, Gary Achenbach.
FUCK 'EM ALL! ALT.SLACK IS *STILL* THE MIGHTIEST NEWSGROUP ON THE
INTERNET, AND IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!
--
Reverend Modemac (modemac@netcom.com)
First Online Church of "Bob" "There is no black and white."
PGP Key Fingerprint: 47 90 41 70 B4 5B 06 90 7B 38 4E 11 8A ED 80 DF
URL: http://www.tiac.net/users/modemac/
(FINGER modemac@netcom.com for a FREE SubGenius Pamphlet!)
Original file name: DOBBSDEA
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.