dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
The Several Commandments of 'Bob' and How I Came To Them
1. Once upon a midnight dreary... no, wait.
1'. It was a dark and stormy night... well, it *was*, and
I in my kerchief and ma in her cap looked anything but
erotic, so we fell directly into slumber.
2. And in the midst of my sleep, there appeared to me
a mist, and in the midst of the mist, there appeared a head,
and the head was alone, and the head was walking, and the
head smoked a great Pipe.
3. (The Pipe was the source of the mist amidst which the
head was, did and spaketh those thing of which I am about
to relate).
4. Said the Head, 'Nevermore.' (Oh, bloody hell, that's
enough opium for tonight.)
4'. The head spaketh (spoketh? sayith? It blurteth out, OK?)
saying unto me, "Hey, buddy, can I interest you in a little
salvation?"
5. And I was sorely amazed that the Head spaketh or whatever
while the Pipe remained in his mouth, without hands to hold
it there.
6. And upon these words I was wont to void myself in mine
jammies, but held fast the urge, and so with legs acrosse'd
and crotch agrabbe'd, and doing the pee-pee dance, I spaketh
or something back to the Head, "Uh, wuh. Ummm. Huh?"
7. Being sorely (I was awful damn sore) afraid at this
apparition, the look of fear was across my face like
a tracer bullet across a Bosnian intersection, and the Head
saw upon me this fear and said(eth), "Well, friend, I can
see you're a bit confused (or maybe confuse'd, if you'd
prefer to stick to this Bible-babble) about my appearance.
Well, friend, and I can assure you I *am* a friend, I can
explain."
8. "You see, I know what you're thinking. Truly, I do, and
I'm not afraid to say so. Now you, on the other hand, *are*
afraid to say so, because you have to take responsibility
for it, if you say it. Am I right?"
9. And I replieth "Uh..."
10. "Of course, I am friend, or I wouldn't waste the
negentropy to beam my friendly visage down into your little
universe."
11. Having become acquainted with the manner of the
spakething of this amazing vision, I found myself able to
address him (while still somewhat disturbed by the Pipe
which defied gravity), and said "Then what are you, er, what
*am* I thinking?"
12. Whereupon the Head smiled a warm and devious smile, and
held forth, "Well, now, buddy, that hardly matters, whatever
it is. You see, it's not the function but the form. It's not
the content but the container. It's not the hyperbole, it's
the HYPE. You and I both know that you're perfectly capable
of clear and logical thought, and _where_ does it get you?"
13. "In trouble! Yes, friend, there's all sorts of twits,
twats and dingbats out there who feel the need to control
you but can't as long as you think for yourself. So to
do that which you were meant to do, without the heathens and
hoseheads trying to corrupt your mind with their Pink swill,
I, J.R. Dobbs,"
14. "(my friends call me 'Bob', and you can too, friend)"
15. "am willing to be your personal savior and scapegoat.
Yes, friend, for a mere $20 I can become the sole heir
and target of offense for your enemies of your freedom
of thought, drawing all the fire from you upon my
humbly immortal self."
16. "Whadya say, can I write the invoice?"
17. Whereupon, I, having regained those limited senses which
I possess at 3 A.M. said "What are you, the devil?"
18. He got a mighty semi-corporeal chuckle out of that one.
19. "Hell's tinkly little bells, son, have you heard me say
anything about your soul? No! Damn ectoplasmic little
buggers floating around getting into the monatomic processor
core, who would want that?"
20. "No, friend, all I want is $20, and all *you* want is
someone to blame and/or credit, as you wish, for those
things you'd think on your own and quite possibly get
laughed at, slapped or arrested over."
21. "Now I kind of took a liking to you, so I've hung around
to fill you in a bit, but there's lots of other people just
dying (stop shaking, son, it's just a phrase) to take me up
on my offer, so you've gotta act fast."
22. "So, let's close this deal, how about it?"
23. And into my state of awareness there came the smell of
the Pipe's mist, and it did awaken in me a yearning to run
naked across the snowy tops of mountains, and to bellow
wordless howls of exquisite anguish into the valleys below,
and to scare Sherpas shitless just for giggles.
24. And from this amazing and wonderful awake dream I cried,
"Yes, oh, Yes, 'Bob', make me a slave of my own thinking!
Relieve me of the burden of being superior in individualism
and free in cognition! Take from me all that I am and give
it back one-fold with Your Holy Name inscribed thereupon!
Let me stretch out, kick back and get slack!"
25. And then the head said unto me "It's Slack(tm), bub. And
I've already grabbed the twenty from your wallet. It's a
done deal then. See ya."
26. "Wait!", I cried, seeing the chance to Get In On A Good
Thing, "Let me become one to preach your Holy Pipeness, and
bring unto you greater glory and yet many more dollars!"
27. His image wavered a bit amidst mist and he returned in
brighter, yea day-glo colors, "Cool. Tell you what. I'll
give you a task that'll bring us both some income and some
recognition. The income we split, the recognition you'll get
to keep but you have to swear up and down it's recognition
of me, got it?"
28. Having thus made my inroads into the most spiritual
and lucrative deal of my earthly existence, I hesitated not
in showing that I know with no doubt about it which side
of the cookie my bread is buttered upon, and darkened the
shade of my nose ingratiatingly but not too smarmily, "Whatever you say,
boss, you're the one with The Pipe."
29. Whereupon 'Bob' saw that I was already becoming one with
the faithful, and delivered unto me with great grunting a
large brown stone, and upon this stone was carved words, and
also several numbers with no words after them, and I lapsed
back into Bible-babble because I was confuse'd.
30. "Okay, bub, read me the first one."
31. I gazed upon the stone, and read out loud, "You shall
worship no false gods before me, for among the false gods, I
am top banana." "But, 'Bob', that's all that's written
here."
32. And with this the Head smiled and said, "Right you are
bucko. Now *you* get to go out and sell advertising space.
Anyone who wants to add to 'Bob's commandments shall be able
to do so. For a fee of course, which we split."
33. Seeing in this the infinite wisdom of 'Bob', and the
stupendous possibilities of multi-level marketing, I looked
up to the Head of He Who Does That Which Must Be Done
Quickly and Quietly, just in time to see him fade out to a
thin horizontal line, and then collapse inward to a small
dot in the center of the mist, just like a 1964 Zenith TV
turning off, but with the Pipe still sticking through that
point of light, appearing for all the world as the Cheshire
Cat with a Pipe for a smile, and I heard His voice spaketh
one last time unto me.
34. "Fer cryin' out loud, don't run on your sentences. It
wouldn't do to have folks thinking My Mignons were as
verbose as the bozos who sell for JHVH-1."
35. "But, 'Bob', don't you mean minions?"
36. "No, Mignons. You have a steak in this."
37. And with a final puff of smoke, His Pipe pulled through
that tiny dot with a *plonk*, which in itself caused me
great consternation, and He was gone.
38. Anyone want to buy a commandment of their own?
-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-
Superior Mutants! Salvation is at hand! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
For details, send $1 to: The SubGenius Foundation,
PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
***
Original file name: Bob's Commandments
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.