Subject: Tomorrow is my birthday

From: "Mikkel de Winther" <mikkel-w@SPAMBLOCKworldonline.dk>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 11, 2001 7:55 AM
Message-ID: <LaX27.3579$6x5.272847@news000.worldonline.dk>

I turn 20.

When I was a child I used to look forward to my birthday. It was a day of
slack and presents and afterwards I got to brag to everybody that now I was
so-and-so old. Being older automatically meant being cooler and I wished
that my next birthday would come soon. But it didn't. The years seemed like
lifetimes, and every day brought a new experience.

But now...

Everyday feels like it's the same, repeating over and over till eternity. My
last birthday seems like it was yesterday and I wish that my next birthday
wasn't tomorrow. It is, though, and there is nothing I can do about it. I
can't rewind time, I can't make it go slower.

In the sit-coms they always have the episodes about the day before one of
the characters turn 30 and they panic about all the things they didn't get
to do and they try to learn German and how to play the guitar in 24 hours. I
didn't think I'd ever be like that, but I find myself thinking: "What have I
achieved in my life?" The answer? NOTHING. At least nothing more than the
minimum that could be expected. I finished high school. Period. That's it. I
don't have a girlfriend, I don't have a job, I live in a shitty apartment.

And now I'm growing old. Before I know it, I'm gonna be 30 and lonely and
impotent and probably Fat & Ugly, still chasing after 18-year-old high
school girls, still with no job and a shitty apartment. And at that time I
won't even be able to GET with the high school girls because they want the
20-year-old guys who look good and dress smart like... Well... Like me.

...

m.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: mssakamoto@aol.communist (Yves Adele Harlow)

I'm one up on you, then. I have a job. Up until a few months ago, I had a
boyfriend and a cozy house, but people are fuckheads and shit happens. You're
better off in the shitty apartment with no girlfriend. You know where you
stand. Get some cats, you'll feel better. Maybe some goldfish or some koi.
Then you'll have accomplished something - not killing your pets. Unless you
do, in which case, you're hopeless. Oh, and remember: fuck you.

--
"Can you feel it?
Can you feel this moment?
If you could be me
The said would be left unsaid" - Milla Jovovich
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Boy, you're really gonna LOVE your FORTIES!!

Actually, if it makes you feel any better, my teenage years were by far
the worst of my life so far, and my twenties were... jesus christ, come
to think of it, I guess they were almost as bad, until I met Philo and
we started working for "Bob." And also I became a dad, which brought
more Slack. That happened when I was 25. i JUST BARELY made it to that
ripe old age without killing myself "by accident."

However, I had always suspected that I was doomed to a certain measure
of strife until middle age (or what you would term "OLD"). Don't ask me
why, but I always envisioned my ship as being the kind that doesn't
come in until you have lots of gray hair. This glimmer of hope kept me
from jumping off bridges as the bills stacked up. So far that vision is
turning out to be accurate. The aches and pains, gout and arthritis and
feeble vision and so on have been more than offset by my ever-improving
ability to GIVE EVER SO MUCH LESS OF A SHIT about what The Others
think. Also I recently married a Slack Monster from Outer Space which
is sort of like being in Heaven.

NONE of my Slack ended up coming from where I THOUGHT it would come
from, which you should find encouraging. In other words, it can lurk in
hiding and suddenly drop on you when you least expect it. In my case it
always seemed to finally come through just when the grip I had on the
cliff-edge had gone from two hands to one hand to one finger to a shred
of a hangnail.

The trick is to remember YOU ONLY HAVE TO HOLD OUT UNTIL X-DAY. Can't
be more than year. You can handle a year. As you say, a year goes by
"like that."

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

>
> And now I'm growing old. Before I know it, I'm gonna be
> 30 and lonely and impotent and probably Fat & Ugly,
> still chasing after 18-year-old high school girls, still
> with no job and a shitty apartment. And at that time I
> won't even be able to GET with the high school girls
> because they want the 20-year-old guys who look good and
> dress smart like... Well... Like me.
>

Well, sure, you *could* surrender to the Legumesque forces
of the Labyrinth(1), *or* you could come to the "Dark Side
of the Luck Plane."

Oh, sure, the Dark Side gets disrespected a lot. But they
forget that "Bob" is as much Evil as Good and the Rather
Substantial Gray Area in Between. "Bob" will be there
waiting for you, as ubiquitous as ever, as you plunge
headlong into a world of all the exciting wickedness and
debauchery that you have secretly lusted for for years.

Some of the major perks I might mention, are first, the
great inner satisfaction of knowing that while you are
still prolly not going to get laid enough, innumerable
members of the opposite sex will be thinking about *you*
while stimulating themselves into an orgasmic frenzy.
(They'll never admit it, though.)

Second will be you new ability to be suspected of all
sorts of wickedness and vice, especially at times when
you are truly idle, minding your own business, and
engaged in blandly benign activities. Police officers
and other flunkies will always *know* that you are up
to something.

And third, the smallest fashion accessory will frighten
and intimidate small children and the impressionable.
Any facial hair, a black eye patch, a cane or bullwhip,
and sap or ninja gloves will guarantee that you are
left alone EXCEPT BY THOSE WHO WANT *YOU* TO LURE *THEM*
TO THE DARK SIDE. They will become your willing acolytes,
bowing and scraping and doing menial tasks for you--
and listening to your interminable anecdotes and jokes--
all with the furtive hope that you will open the PORTAL
and let them gaze inside(3).

(1) You're too young to have seen the movie "Barbarella",
but the Labyrinth was a prison where political prisoners(2)
were eventually absorbed into the walls, out of sheer
boredom.

(2) Originally put there because they refused to engage in
sexual perversion and murder, for the most part. Some, I
suspect, as in all times and places, were just loudmouth
rabble-rousers and troublemakers who richly deserved it.

(3) Little do they know they would only see "Bob" in there,
staring back at them.

--
"There is no nu-monet. There is only Zuul."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: "Rev Jerry" <jthreet@team-vci.com>

I remember being twenty...I could drink all night and still make it into
work the next day, I could have sex more than once an hour, I had no
purpose, no ambition, no responsibility, no reason to stop drinking and
smoking and fucking and hanging out in nudie bars till I ran out of one
dollar bills and couldn't stand up without puking.
Now I have bills, responsibility, worries, bills, teeth with smooth tops
from grinding at night, constant tension headaches, and an almost complete
lack of slack...the world just sucks you dry and doesn't even leave a tip,
and never lays off for even a minute. One nightmare turns into another
without a commercial break for station identification or a chance to run to
the fridge for a beer. But then again, that's just 35....wait until you hit
50...my pop says that's a real rude awakening.......
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: "The Rev. Dr. Lt. Chaos Israel" <walker555@MailAndNews.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 11, 2001 12:01 PM
Message-ID: <3B827893@MailAndNews.com>

>===== Original Message From "Mikkel de Winther"
<mikkel-w@SPAMBLOCKworldonline.dk> =====

>I turn 20.

Then you're my (evil twin)-15.

Happy birthday.

...and believe me, it does get better, even if it doesn't appear so from
where
you are.
Life begins at 30.

--
The Rev. Dr. Lt. Chaos Israel.
http://www.geocities.com/tacticalbuddha/
"The Revolution will be Improvised. Or something."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: Artemia Salina <y2k@sheayright.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 11, 2001 12:45 PM
Message-ID: <3B4C82B9.E1AFA67B@sheayright.com>

"The Rev. Dr. Lt. Chaos Israel" wrote:

> Life begins at 30.

Speaking as one who is pro-choice, I'm really psyched by that news!

--
Artemia Salina -- http://www.drpez.com/drali1.htm
Taking the 'rhetorical' out of 'rhetorical question' since 1958
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

The Rev. Dr. Lt. Chaos Israel wrote:
>
> Life begins at 30.
>

Just before living death sinks in.

--
"There is no nu-monet. There is only Zuul."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 11, 2001 9:29 PM
Message-ID: <A8F47F8E1C04264C.790A11C1FFD21A4A.DF254924C8D06D91@lp.airnews.net>

With Gouda Breath, Mikkel ejaculated:

>>lonely and
impotent and probably Fat & Ugly<<

Happy Fucking Birthday to you, kiddo. I have one word of advice, you
don't NECESSARILY get impotent, fat, and ugly immediately at the age of
30. Trust me.

However, you are probably wondering what will happen when your odometer
rolls over 50. Mark these words, for I am an expert in this matter.

You guessed it: the 4 prongs...lonely, impotent, fat and ugly. And
you'll end up taking all kinds of medicine and treatments just to last
another 20-30 years in that sorry condition! But really, the impotence
is no sweat because, if you've ever looked at a 50+ old woman
naked...well, you'll get the idea in 30 years.

That's the magic of the CotSG. If you can find Slack, you won't go off
crying just because the brilliant tapestry of your life REALLY appears
to be nothing but an old torn dish rag. Talk about pulling the wool
over your own eyes!

One thing though, with any luck, by the time you are 50 you will have
your OWN shitty house and prolly a real job of some sort. A job you
hate, and money you don't even want to spend cuz, what's the point.
Unless the Socialist State over there in Cheeseland says otherwise one
day. So there is some reason for hope...you gots LOTS to look forward
to!

[*]
-----
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

And once again I have to advocate becoming one with the dark
side of the Luck Plane--for though you will still most likely
be lonely, impotent, fat and ugly, you will at least get--
REVENGE!!

Yes, only through the Evil Black Spaghetti and pork will you
find:
The DHARMA of DOOM,
The NIRVANA of NIHILISM,
and The SOMETHING of SOMETHING ELSE that REALLY SMARTS and
gives those who have offended you SUCH A HICKEY!

Otherwise, you end up like Legume.

Or blindfolded and tied to a bed with boxing gloves on your
hands in "the ward." Assuming you have insurance.

--
"There is no nu-monet. There is only Zuul."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 11, 2001 10:31 PM
Message-ID: <05EFE1B7873574C9.FAAAB076DE281ACA.106AB6DA4787FC35@lp.airnews.net>

nu-monet:
>>Or blindfolded and tied to a bed with boxing gloves on your
hands in "the ward." Assuming you have insurance.<<

Axually, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that,
improbable as it might be, there is still the POSSIBILITY that one day I
might get to go camping with Patrick Swayze...

[*]
-----
...or the lead singer of Rammstein...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: onancanobite@yahoo.com (Onan Canobite)

I suggest you spend time with others until realize how fortunate you are.

- Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite, old enough to know
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

That's a very good suggestion. Just open the newspaper or turn on the
news and you will be blasted with descriptions of people who are MUCH
MUCH worse off than you are. That sort of thing makes some people feel
much better. (It just made me feel worse so I swore off the "news"
TOTALLY.) If that's too abstract, volunteer to work for two hours at a
homeless shelter or a loony bin or burn hospital or some such thing.
That'll take your mind off your problems.

I know one True SubGenius who was a rich young jet-setter, but had
little Slack. He got Slack when he became a broke, low-paid teacher
aide who nurses severely retarded kids in a high school. GO FIGURE!!

Raising children actually GAVE me Slack for many years, but apparently
it does just the opposite more often than not. I was lucky -- my kids
weren't hard to raise. Think how deep the great Mr. Sister has to dig
to find Slack in child rearing -- all alone and with an autistic teen!
A LIVELY one!

But perhaps the path to Slack for you would be to suddenly turn over a
new leaf, swear off anything that makes it harder to learn, exercise,
throw yourself into your craft (whatever it may be -- cat burgling is
profitable I've heard), get a job in that field, move up to the top,
become rich and famous, and then donate all your $ to The SubGenius
Foundation. The Emergentile approach, in other words.

The DAG-BLASTED thing about it is, you're gonna have to figure it out
for yourself, no matter WHAT!!

If only you were rich though. Think of it. Then you'd NEVER have to
figure ANYTHING out.

If *I* was rich, that would be the last thing I'd have to figure out.

Actually, almost all of us in computerland are vastly richer in
material things than any medieval king, or most of the humans on the
planet for that matter. (MATERIAL things I said.) That didn't really
sink in until I had traveled some and learned some history.

Since it's all relative, though, that's really a moot point. Just
because Old King Cole had to wipe his ass with a corn cob in 1492
doesn't mean you have to be THRILLED to have a choice between Great
Northern Toilet Tissue Rolls in the double ply softness 12-pack and
Improved Squeezably Soft Charmin in the New Powder Puff Scented
Decorator Pack.

Good Luck, Kid! Rent A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, it'll put knives in your
blood, sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old
Ultraviolence.

Subject: Re: Tomorrow is my birthday
From: joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com (Joe Cosby)

>
>I suggest you spend time with others until realize how fortunate you are.
>

Absolutely!

Make friends with some REAL TOTAL LOSERS and hang around with them,
then you'll be walking around thinking "Geez, I'm not so bad after
all" all the time.

I provide that advice free of charge.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

"There are many kinds of 'truths' and consequently there is no truth"
- Nietzsche

Sig by Kookie Jar 5.98d http://go.to/generalfrenetics/

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Original file name: Tomorrow is my birthday - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:26