If Dear Abby were a subgenius man

From: "Reverend Sinphaltimus Exmortus" <RevSExmortus@nyc.rr.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Dec 10, 2001 6:25 PM

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a subgenius man?

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing
that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next
best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this
can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old
college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive,
maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If
your still not sure then just perform oral on him and cook him
a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great
glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to
allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This
shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by
performing it twice a day. then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls
is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and
relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship
better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great
time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and
happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing
to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to
perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to
help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and
present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your
selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious
meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek
sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and
time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on
demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is
that you do not love your man as much as you should-he should
never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so
selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral
on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to
sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Did you perhaps
forget to cook him a nice meal?

Sincerely yours, forever Bob's,

The Reverend Sinphaltimus Exmortus
First Ever Digital Church of Mind Slack
http://www.Digital-Church.com
A Totally Independent Clench of
The Church of the SubGenius
P.O.Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
Send $1 and S.A.S.E. for more info
or visit
www.subgenius.com
or email
RevSExmortus@nyc.rr.com
or die pink
or kill me
"Exterminate all rational thought" W.S.B.
16*2*!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a subgenius man?
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>

"Reverend Sinphaltimus Exmortus" wrote

> Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a subgenius man?

DOCTOR BASTARD IF I SIT ON ONE HAND UNTIL ITS NUMB & THEN JERK OFF WITH IT,WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING IT? ROG Answer : That's a great point. In fact, if you sit on your hand long enough, gang green will set in and it'll feel like a dead chick.

Question for Dr. Bastard, a few rednecks have told me that a sheep's vagina is the next best thing to a women's. Tell me, what did you think of it?? Ryan Hathaway Answer : I must admit it did totally feel like your mom, but only without the scabs

DEAR DOCTOR BASTARD: HOW DO YOU FIND A WOMENS G-SPOT?
Answer : It's in your wallet.

drbastard, I have trouble getting off when it only takes my boyfriend about five minutes to cummmm. I'd like to have my pleasure to, what should I do? He is kind of a stick in the mud, if you know what I mean. He never wants to try new things. mk kitty

Answer : Dear MK Kitty; What you describe here is quite the common issue; How to make a man last long enough in bed to satisfy the woman. First off, you should face reality; No One Cares. The only thing your man cares for is to make sure his sperm get all over your face and neck, with the least amount of effort on his part. He may 'act' like he cares, but it's only an act. His full attention is on how much money he could save if he invested in Yoga lessons and learned to suck his own dick. But, for laughs, let's say he does care and you concede to invest your time and energy in tending to this less than futile predicament. Start by quitting you job, knocking your front teeth out, burning everything but the clothes you have on, get a shopping cart, sleep outside and make your living collecting aluminum cans. There's nothing like a Bag Lady to keep the ol' boner going all night!

Dear Dr. Bastard: How can I get my girlfriend to try anal sex? Jeremy

Answer : Ha! Oh Jeremy, your question makes me wish I were young again! Convincing a girl to allow you to sodomize her is one of the great joys in life! Someday you will remember it like you remember your first kiss, your first beer or your first arrest warrant. First, start by telling her that you love her, and try not to start laughing or you'll blow it. Then casually bring up the subject of your last girlfriend. You know... the one she hates a lot! Casually bring the conversation around to saying "Despite all her many faults, there was one good thing about our relationship; She wasn't afraid to try anything new or kinky." Your chick will get immediately jealous. If it looks like it's gonna be rough, say "I have never been so sexually satisfied since she & I experimented while we made love. We just let our carnal desires run wild!" By this time, she knows what she's gotta do to keep you. She may like it, then you're in luck! But if she doesn't, just remember that tears make a great lubricant.

Dear Doctor Bastard, Where does El Paso Thick 'n Chunky salsa come from? Jay

Fitz Answer : I'm assuming you mean the Thick n' Chunky tortilla-chip salsa that comes from El Paso Texas. You see, what many white trashers like yourself don't see is that Texas is suspiciously close to Mexico on most maps. Many Mexicans flee from their depressed homeland in hopes of finding plentiful employment in the fast food industries of the mighty US of A. Another fact that you may not realize is that all Mexicans, not just women, can have babies. And not just from sex! There are thousands of recorded Mexican pregnancies caused by drinking cheep beer and riding in suped up mini-trucks. That's why so many Mexicans do those activities, because if they have more kids, they can get more welfare dollars and it solidifies their position of staying home drunk all day and watching 'I Love Lucy'. But since Texas is the state with the least amount of 'Lucy' reruns, many Mexicans are forced to abort these babies. Since many cannot afford it, many of these abortions are performed in such crude methods as using a Bic Lighter to burn the infant inside the womb, or scraping out Jose Jr. with the antennae from a '64 Impala. The salsa companies are all-too-eager to pay for these Mexicans to abort these children so they can make tortilla-chip salsa out of the fetuses. Many companies pay the Mexicans in beans, thus the name 'beaner'. There has been a push in the past few years for the Mexicans to form a salsa union and be treated fairly and equally. It probably could have come together by now except most of them are too lazy to show up at the rallys.

Dearest Dr. Bastard: why is my cats pussy so black. Stephen Labedz

Answer : It's only black on the outside. It's pink in the middle just like all healthy pussies are. Don't worry, go ahead and fuck it!

Dear Dr. Bastard: Sometimes when I fuck a bitch, I can't get my nut off in any less than an hour and she says that her pussy gets numb, what should I do? Roach1

Answer : Next time you fuck her, try imagining your own father giving you a really sloppy blowjob. That should make you cum right away.

Dr Bastard: when are men going to grow up? Marianne Datlow

Answer : Lick my balls, you cunt.

My Dearest Dr Bastard; Last night my dog died. I loved him very much and
fear that my vagina was the cause of his death. what should I do?
Heather
Best , Albany NY

Answer : If this is true then your vagina needs to be punished. Pour
scalding hot water onto your labia and around your vulva. Then beat your
vagina furiously with a meat tenderizer and rub salt around your flaps.
Then, and only then, will the good lord accept you into the holy land.

Dear Dr Bastard,
I'm gay and I don't want to be. Any suggestions?
Bryan R., San Jose, Ca

Answer :
Yes. Have sex with a dead man. If that doesn't turn you off, get one that's all rotten and falling apart. If that doesn't turn you away from men, you're gay for life

Dr Bastard,
What is your solution for the growing homeless problem?
Phil San Jose Ca USA

Answer :
Let the homeless eat the animals in the pound that are going to be
gassed
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a subgenius man?

In article <r8sa1u0etdv2bklv58klth6u7n6l45h798@4ax.com>, Kevan says...
>On Mon, 10 Dec 2001 18:39:33 -0700, "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>
>from wrote:

>Not a stitch of that was in the least bit funny or interesting.
>>You fail your own tests.
>>You're educated stupid, son.

Well now, I have to disagree with you there. Yeah, it was disgusting and vile
and hateful and maybe needed a couple of days of percolating and a little
polish, but by Dobbs, it WAS kinda funny. I recall the little feller havin' a
bit of a BobGland for that stuff, so at least there's SOME hope that at a future
point, he will TURN AWAY FROM THE SEWER PIPE PATH *YOU* ARE ON, you rambling
flagella, "Squeee squeeeeeeee..."

Admit it, you're just befuddled 'cause you're all hot to wear that rubber
"Tick" suit and run through Times Square throwing small tubes of KY Jelly to all
the passersby. Its okay, a lot of us wore towels around our necks & played
Sooperman. This is just the high-tech version. But the first step to becoming
LESS of a shit is admitting that you CAN BE A SHIT. You just can't come of age
as a true Yeti IDIOT until you face the Fool Within.

>I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
>and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...

So where's the fun in that? Get the kids some goddamned Game Boys & buy the
wife a vibrator, the heavy-duty one with the clit thingie on it, ya cheap
bastard. I mean, it IS Xistmas n' all.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
One disaster and poof,
Mein Kampfout is cookin' yer weiner
faster than you can say Bill of WHAT?

Hey, we just lost another moron.
I felt the World get lighter.
- Bill Hicks

When you have found the place
where a woman loves to be fondled,
don't you be ashamed to touch it
anymore than she is.
- Ovid

"Look out for that orifice!"
- "The Ripping Friends"

Coming soon: ENRONGATE
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/politics/DailyNews/enron011210.html

And for you techies, watch how Enron blew its fuses
http://clearstation.etrade.com/cgi-bin/details?Sy

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Original file name: Ever wondered what it would be - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:26