Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian

From: "Willie Hank" <fenderson5@yahoo.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Nov 1, 2001 3:33 PM
Message-ID: <agiE7.10837$bZ6.401824@e3500-atl2.usenetserver.com>

According to my understanding of Islam, it is unkosher (sic) to wipes one's
arse with the right hand. My question is: Are Moslem "holy warriors" who
unfortunately lose their left hand in battle exempt from this Holy Law or
are they resigned to a shittier existence than their two-fisted brethren?

Rev WHF V
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: "Col. Sphinx Drummond" <sphinx@subgenius.com>

The right hand ceases to be the right hand when there is no left left, then it's
just a hand.

-Col. Sphinx Drummond TWSR
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

I think the general assumption was that if you lost your hand,
for whatever reason, the only way to make a living was as a
beggar, or you would starve to death.

Unless you had lost your hand as a thief, the general consensus
was "bummer". You were boned. I think they were a little
vague about whether you would get your hand back after you
were dead. Some said yes, others no.

--
*
MILLIONS SURVIVE FLU EPIDEMIC
"A flu epidemic will strike in 2006.
Happily, a cure will be found before
there are any fatalities."
--Robert Schultz, psychic for "The Sun"
*
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his
body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The
doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

Col. Sphinx Drummond wrote:
>
> The right hand ceases to be the right hand when
> there is no left left, then it's just a hand.
>

No, then it's, "that *thing* that hangs on the end
of my right arm, that *forces* me to do things."

"Hideous, awful things. Like to that woman the
other night. She didn't bother me at all, but
THAT THING that hangs on the end of my right arm
started slapping her, then punching her, and
then...oh, dear lord! It wasn't me, it was
THAT THING! THAT RIGHT-HANDED THING!"

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From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)

>
>Unless you had lost your hand as a thief, the general consensus
>was "bummer". You were boned. I think they were a little
>vague about whether you would get your hand back after you
>were dead. Some said yes, others no.
>

I always wondered about that in general. If you go to heaven and get
to live forever, then what exactly are you? Are you you when you
died? If that's the case, then every little problem you have when you
die is yours -forever-? And if you live forever, it only stands to
reason that as time goes by you are going to have accidents. The
statistics rise asymptotically to 100% over a period of forever. So
you're in heaven and after a thousand years you bump into something
and lose an eye. And the eye is lost -forever-. Then 10,000 years
later a finger. And so on. Piece by piece. Maybe it would take
millions of years, but eventually you would just keep losing more and
more pieces. So after millions of years your ass would be hopping
around heaven on a wooden leg with like three fingers left on both
hands and a seeing eye dog. And EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD TOO. Can you
imagine square dance night in heaven? All these mutilated fuckers
hopping around, bumping into each other, wheeling around in
wheelchairs, and Hank Williams Jr. is up on stage but he lost his
throat in that nasty accident in the year 1,684,891,564 so now he
sings with one of those vocoder things?

It would be like Stephen Hawking night.

I spend a lot of time thinking about things like this.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

I could hate you more, but it would involve your ingesting a neutron
star - the only way you could POSSIBLY suck more than you already
do
- ICEKNIFE

Sig by Kookie Jar 5.98d http://go.to/generalfrenetics/
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From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

I gather the overall consensus among the better
theologians is that your awareness will be absorbed/
digested/harvested into the greater whatever.

As a rule of thumb there are a few stages to this:

1) If you're really dumb, then you go to "heaven"
which is whatever your greedy little heart desires,
and you have already lost the attention you need to
figure out anything beyond that point, so they don't
bother trying to teach you anything else.

2) If you're a little bit smarter, you get beyond
the earthly parallels, start getting a little bit
depressed, and wonder if there is a way to cheat
the system, achieving immortality, even if
undefineable, in a way that goes beyond
reincarnating as a sewer roach. You still rely
heavily on some entity giving enough of a shit to
bail your ass out. Lot of Mantras involved.

3) A little bit smarter than that and you either
start investing heavily in "Earth, Inc.", or reading
bizarre shit like Castaneda or Brigattio, doing a
lot of drugs and shit. Investment in the paranormal
is such that you have to pay a commission to your
agent and 20% to the IRS.

4) You either become an athiest, hopelessly rational,
reincarnate as a sewer roach, or get so wrapped up in
hedonism you don't give a flying fuck. I think that's
about it.

--
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: ren <ren@bookofshadows.org>

The Bible teaches that if a man's hand should offend god's people that
it is better to cut that hand off than for the entire man to burn in the
fires of Hell.

Then there was that story about this old man and his two daughters who
went to a high mountain to escape the destruction of their world and God
told the old man to fuck his daughters and repopulate. The guy found
that repulsive and pulled out and ejaculated sperm on the ground. Then
God struck him down dead and he probably feel in it.

There are those who say that when the Bible talks about the "Mark of
Cain" the Bible means black skin and thats why the Mormons said there
weren't any black people going to heaven.

The Bible also says that Jesus said that racists should be skinned alive
and have the Holy Bible shoved up their asses sideways real good like.
But there was this council of elders in the Middle Evil Ages that said
that Jesus was supposed to be a nice and loving person so they took that
part of the Bible out and burned it.

Now good ol' Jesus used to keep this whore Mary around and they were
always offending the religious folk and all with their wild parties with
tax collectors and more whores and those dirty gentiles. Then they
killed him because he wanted to be Ceasar or something like that. So his
son Caligula took the throne.
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>

Q: what's better than winning an event in the special olympics?

A: NOT BEING RETARDED
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Subject: Re: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologian
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

ren wrote:
>
> The Bible teaches that if a man's hand should offend
> god's people that it is better to cut that hand off
> than for the entire man to burn in the fires of Hell...
>

It only says that stuff in the Rick James version of the
Bible. The new Ted Turner Bible is full of ecological
shit and shit.

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Original file name: Dear Subgenius Answer Theologia - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:26