Is it gospel? Bulldada? Pure Bullshit? Who knows? Who cares? Read it and enjoy...or vomit...or kill me.
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Ordo Deluminatus Dobbsii
The Order of Dobbsian Deluminati
Liber BOB: THE BOOK OF DELUMINATUS.
SLACK AS THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW
Book the First
I;1. Bob! The manifestation of J.R. Dobbs.
I;2. The unveiling of the Deluminatus.
I;3. Every man and every woman must have slack.
I;4. Slack is infinite; there is no difference.
I;5. Help me, o warrior lord of The Ipeot, in my unveiling before
the Children of The Moamo!
I;6. Be thou Humongus, my power tool that is in my pants!
I;7. Behold! it is revealed by Adam Wisenheimer, the Slackmeister.
I;8. The Piss is in the Sun, not the Sun in the Piss.
I;9. Worship then the Ipeot, and behold its sun piss shed over you!
I;10. Let my servants be few & slack: they shall rule the many who don't get the joke.
I;11. These are foods that men adore; their foods are junk. Hail the holy Twinkie, the Twinkie covered with chocolate!
I;12. Come forth, o children, under the stars, & take your fill of Twinkies!
I;13. My ecstasy is in slack. Slack is good.
I;14. Above is The Claws of the Ipeot, the God Lobster;
Behold, these claws are verily the Stark Fist of Removal The wrath of JHVH-1, the Interplanetary. Fear the claws, tremble at their might and redness, They are mine, O Ankle biter!
I;15. Now ye shall know that the chosen priest & apostle of infinite slack is the prince-priest J.R. "Bob" Dobbs; and his messenger called the Slackmeister, by name Adam Wisenheimer. Unto them is all power given.
I;16. For he is ever a sun, and the sun doth shed its rays of piss on the earth, unbeknownst to Gods and men.
I;17. But ye are not the winner of Ten Million Dollars, for Ed Mc Mahon doth not speak it yea.
I;18. The key of the rituals is in the secret word which I have given unto him.
I;19. In the guise of the Lobster I am nothing: they do not see me. They are as dog excrement upon the earth; I am The Ipeot and there is no other, save for My Epopt.
I;20. Now, therefore, I am known to ye by my name IPEOTMOAMO, and to him by a secret name which I will give him when at last he knoweth me.
I;21. But whoso follows this doggerel, let him be given the high five!
I;22. For these fools of men that know not Slack and their woes, care not thou at all! They feel little and imbibe even less of the water; what is, is balanced by weak joys; but ye are my chosen ones.
I;23. Obey my prophet the Slackmeister! follow out the ordeals of my knowledge! seek me only! Then Slack will redeem ye from all pain.
I;24. Then the Epopt fell into a deep trance or swoon, & said unto the Slackmeister; Write unto us the ordeals; write unto us the rituals; write unto us the law!
I;25. But he said: the ordeals I write not: the rituals shall be half known and half concealed: the Law is for all.
I;26. This that thou writest is the threefold book of the Deluminatus.
I;27. The rants and spells; the mission of the Moamo; the dangers of Gravity and of Evaporation; these he shall learn and teach.
I;28. He must teach; but he may make severe the ordeals.
I;29. The word of the Law is SLACK.
I;30. Who calls us Slackers will do no wrong, if he look but close into the word. Slack as thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
I;31. The word of Sin is Evaporation. O man! refuse not to drink of the Water, for the sun piss doth not satisfy! Quaff as ye will! All else is a curse. Accursed! Accursed be it to the aeons! Hell!
I;32. Let it be that thou learnest the mastery of Slack above all; thou hast no right but to Slack as ye will.
I;33. Do that, and no other shall say nay.
I;34. For pure Slack, unassuaged of purpose, is every way perfect.
I;35. My prophet is a fool for fun, but he knowest that to think more and to party less is better still. And he knowest that Slack is best of all.
I;36. If this be not aright; if ye are confounded by Gravity and space out, saying: They are too heavy; or saying, They are too light; if the ritual be not ever unto me: then expect to face the Stark Fist of Removal, and to be crushed by the claws of the Ipeot!
I;37. Behold, both Gravity and Evaporation doth pull at the Subgenius, but the Subgenius cannot allow himself to be Dehydrated or dragged under, lest he be as the Dogs.
I;38. Invoke me and partake of the gifts of Slack, Slack is the law, Slack under Chill. He, my prophet, hath chosen the inner circle, the way of Delumination. All these old letters of my Book revealed to Stang are aright; but that's not all, folks. This also is secret: my prophet shall reveal it to the wise.
I;39. I give unimaginable joys on earth: quenching, not dehydration, while in life, upon death; Slack everlasting.
I;40. My number is 0, as all their numbers who are of us. The capstone of the Pyramid, with the Closed Eye of Delumination, and the Pipe of Dobbs, that is my symbol. Also I have a secret glory for them that love me.
I;41. Sing the rap unto me! Drink to me the pure spring water, for as the brothers Byte doth say, I love you! I love you!
I;42. The joy of Slack is within ye.
Book the Second
II;1. Nu? Vos machs du?
II;2. Come! Have much sex! Come much! I, The Deluminatus, am the complement of the Ipeot. Delta is the name of my House.
II;3. Yet he shall be known & I never.
II;4. Behold! the rituals of the old time lack moisture. Let the evaporated ones be cast away; let them be osmosticised by the prophet! Then shall this Knowledge go aright.
II;5. Now let there be a veiling of clouds: now let the sun piss rain down on men and eat them up with blindness!
II;6. These are dead, these fellows; they Slack not. We are not for the poor and Slackless: the lords of the earth are our kinsfolk.
II;7. There is great danger in me; for who doth not understand these runes shall make a great mess and shit their drawers. He shall fall down into the pit called Not Funny, and there he shall perish with the dogs of Humorlessness.
II;8. Now a curse upon Not Funny and his kin!
II;9. May Not Funny be accursed for ever!
II;10.If Slack asks why, then is Slack weakness?
II;11.Also Serious is a lie; for there is a factor infinite & unknown; & all their words are Slackless.
II;12.Enough of Serious! Be he damned for a dog!
II;13.But ye, o my people, rise up & awake!
II;14.Let the rituals be rightly performed with joy & beauty!
II;15. A feast for the Ipeot!
II;16. A feast for the Epopt and his Slackmeister!
II;17. There is a verb: that verb is fuck. It is the verb of most high enjoyment, it is the verb of liquidification of genitalia. Tear down those who say it is profanity, those lying spectre of the centuries: they are the ones who are blue of nose and doth not get any pussy.
II;18. Begone! ye censors; even though ye say ye are moral, ye are filth and drenched with sun-piss.
II;19. He that is Slackful shall be Slackful still; he that is filthy shall be filthy still.
II;20. Therefore strike hard & low, right in their nuts, and to hell with them, master!
II;21. I am the Slackmeister: thou art Subgenius. Me Tarzan, you Jane.
II;22 When thou masterest the ways of Slack and Delumination, ye shall be called not merely Deluminatus, but Moamo. And not merely Moamo, mind you, but also Slackmeister, for thou shalt be where I am.
Book the third.
III;1. Abramowitz; the name of Heidi.
III;2. Get the Stark Fist of Removal, write away for it to the Church, read it well, read and laugh. The Deluminati shall read, and laugh, but know that this is not the whole of the mysteries of Dobbs.
III;3. Ye shall see that hour, o Subgenius, and ye shall see the O .'. D .'. D .'. be raised as the Inner Order of the Subgenii.
III;4. Deem not too eagerly to catch the promises; fear not to undergo the curses. Ye, even ye, know not this meaning all.
III;5. That ye shall call the order the Ordo Deluminatus Dobbsii, know well its name, & it shall be to you as clean spring water to osmosticise yourself through forced liquidification.
III;6. Why? Because of the fall of Not Funny, that he is not there again.
III;7. Set up my image in the East: thou shalt buy thee an image which I will show thee, especial, not unlike the one thou knowest, of the face of "Bob" with his Sacred Pipe. And it shall be suddenly easy for thee to do this.
III;8. All this and a book to say how thou didst come hither and a reproduction of this ink and paper for ever -- for in it is the word secret & not only in the English -- and thy comment upon this the Book of the Deluminatus.
III;9. Now this mystery of the letters is done, and I want to go on to the holier place.
III;10.I am in a secret fourfold word, the blasphemy against all gods of men. This word is as the word FUCK, as in FUCK OFF.
III;11. Curse them! Curse them! Curse them!
III;12. Drown them all in sun-piss, for they know not the Deluminatus, the IPEOTMOAMO, and the Epopt of YHVH-1! Let the Crucified one be submurged in piss, and let a picture be taken thereupon, to make mad the man known as Jesse of the house of Helms!
III;13. I take off the turban of the Ayatollah, revealing therein a fine Mohawk of many colors!
III;14. With my claws I tear out flesh and shed blood, for indeed they are the Stark Fist of Removal!
III;15. Shazam! Wazoo! I spit on the minions of Not Funny, even the minions of Greyface.
III;16. There is no law beyond Slack as thou wilt.
III;17. The ending of the words is the Word Abramowitz.
SLACK IS THE LAW, SLACK UNDER CHILL
THE COMMENTARY
1.) Know that this is the secret of secrets. Guard it well from those who serve Not Funny and Greyface.
2.) Know that the followers of Discordia are allies, and that they are not accursed. They have rejected Not Funny as we have, the Ipeot is their unknown guide. The names of Eris, Kallisti, Discordia, and of Ghoddess are of us, Discordia being the name of the Spouse of the Ipeot. Extend to them the hand of friendship, speaking the words "Evoe Eris".
3.) Speak not these secrets among the outer circles of the Church of the Subgenius, for they are not ready for the ultimate of Slack. But speak the words of the Law, that is, SLACK AS THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW; SLACK IS THE LAW, SLACK UNDER CHILL. When they doth fathom the import of these words, then they shall be worthy of introduction as -0 degree Probationary Slackers into the Inner Order of the Subgenius, The Ordo Deluminatus Dobbsii.
4.) When in danger, thou art enjoined to EAT THIS BOOK, lest it fall into the hands of Not Funny.
Brought to you by the Soon-to-be-Reverend (the check's in the mail) Pee Kitty, antisacred collector of semisacred ranTrash; devourer of the Brady Bunch.
--
Meow!
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