Why is Jesus grinning... was Re: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org
Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2001 11:18 AM

...asked the Roman soldier.

"Because I can see my house from here,"
replied Jesus.
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From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>

Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to
give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you
stop.
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From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails
and asks...

"Can you put me up for the night?"
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From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hold up a picture
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Subject: Re: Why is Jesus grinning... was Re: Why can't jesus eat M&Ms?
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
>
> 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

Otherwise good joke, but #3 is not true. The beer lobby
has gone to great lengths to be omitted from the pure
food and drug laws. They only list basic info: carbs,
calories. NOT ingredients.

Why? Because they put the *weirdest* shit into some beers,
including a sea kelp derivative for foam. Try the "drop
of milk" test. If it kills the foam, it's real beer. If
it just makes a hole in the foam, "Bob" knows what's really
in it.

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Subject: Re: Why is Jesus grinning... was Re: Why can't jesus eat M&Ms?
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

As Jesus is carrying his cross down the street, being
scourged, the scourger hears him humming something.

"You! Criminal! What are you singing?"

"I...love a parade!"

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From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>

On Thu, 29 Nov 2001 16:43:54 GMT, nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
wrote:

Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda?

-In Acts it says they were all in one Accord
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From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

Jesus is up on the cross when who should be carried
by but the Emperor Claudius!

"Oh, mighty Emperor!" yells Jesus, "Being the son of
the Lord and all, I can magically conjure up vast
wealth for thee, if you but let me go!"

The Emperor ponders this for a second, then signals
one of his guards to pull out Jesus' nails.

The guard pulls out the nail from his right hand,
and his right arm, exhausted, falls limp to his waist.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you, mighty Caesar!" says Jesus.

Then the guard pulls out the nail from his left hand,
and his left arm, also exhausted, falls limp to his
waist.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you, mighty Caesar!" says Jesus.

Then Claudius yells back to Jesus, "I'll expect my
wealth by tomorrow, or back up you go!" Then he
calls his guards back and signals his sedan crew to
take him away.

"Oh, mighty Caesar!" Yells Jesus to the departing
Emperor, as he slumps forward, "YOU FORGOT THE FEET!"

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From: "St. Marc the Perpetually Amused" <disciple@templeoferis.org>

>
> -In Acts it says they were all in one Accord

In a related story, we learn that the reason there were only 1,000 Mexicans
at the Alamo was...

they only had one car.

(apologies to Paul Rodriguez.)

St. Marc
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From: wbarwell@starbase.neosoft.com (William Barwell)

>Why? Because they put the *weirdest* shit into some beers,
>including a sea kelp derivative for foam.

Not a prob.

There is a popular agave extract too for rich 'n
foamy heads on beer. And Irish moss has long
been used as finings, to clarify beer.

The ones you have to look out for are cheapo beers.
Budweiser used to BRAG in their commercials about being
made from the finest rice. Rice? We are talking about
chemical flavered cheap saki.
A lot of cheap beers are chemical nightmares.

But it ain't the moss that'll hurt you.

Bear Whizz beer and a little blue moss, it doesn't
get any better.

Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope of Houston
Slack!
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Why can't jesus eat M&Ms?
From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>

They keep falling through his hands

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Original file name: Why is Jesus grinning... was R - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:25