MINIONS: Re: ATTN: CONNIEITES AND OTHER HOT CHYCKS

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org
Date: Tue, Aug 8, 2000 12:04 PM

Rev Magdalen wrote:
>
> > Oh, yeah. One more thing. Don't keep minions in the crawlspace.
> > All that borax might give them silicosis. It's better to lease.
>
> I provide them with those blue paper masks. I'm not a CRUEL mistress! One
> mask per three minions -- they should be fine.

Minion rules, according to Madam Cynthia Payne, Britain's most
popular hostess (circa 1985), and modified for the occassion:

DO behave like a superior mistress as soon as you allow your
minions up from the basement, or down from the attic.

DON'T tidy up before your minions come round because the place
is a mess.

DO feel free to work your minion hard throughout the day. If
it's anything less than shattered when it gets through its
labours, it will feel let down.

DON'T forget to call it 'Minion', 'Worthless Slave', 'Toady',
or 'Inferior Earthling'. Remember to address them in the
first person plural, as in "We desire to be pleasured. Now!"

DO laugh harshly when it tries to please you. Cultivate your
"Bwahahahaha!" and several types of sneer.

DON'T smile affectionately, wink or otherwise acknowledge your
minions, save when they do not respond immediately to your
demands, at which time you may snarl. Be judicious, as a
second snarl should result in an immediate agonizing death.

DO have a sceptor, gilded cane, whip or unobstrusive death
ray as a symbol of your authority handy in case your minion
needs punishing/rewarding/retirement.

DON'T slip out of character, becoming yourself rather than the
superior mistress. This would be like Lady Macbeth turning to
the audience and asking what the time was.

DO remember not to chit-chat with a minion, or to permit them
to overhear confidential discussions. It's here for hard work,
humilation, and eventual transport to the salt mines.

DON'T offer them scraps off the table.

and, last, but not least,

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TRY TO DECLARE YOUR MINIONS
TO BE 'DEPENDANTS' ON YOUR INCOME TAXES, OR TRY TO GET THE
EARNED INCOME TAX CREDIT ON THEIR BEHALF.

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Original file name: Re- ATTN- CONNIEITES AND OTHER... - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:25