what this church needs

From: kevbob@ecsis.net (kevbob)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jul 24, 2000 8:04 PM
Message-ID: <snptdlb73j1177@corp.supernews.com>

there's talk, occassionally, everyonce in a while, maybe,
of what this church needs.

this church needs more women.

this church needs less computer geeks.

this church needs moto-cross events.

this church needs more money.

etc.

it's all wrong.

there is only one thing that this church needs,

and that is more coffee drinkers.

i propose free membership for anyone who drinks coffee.

thus,

all the coffee drinkers will feel a comraderie and kinship amongst each other.

they will feel the inevitable "us vs. them" instinct,

and, being the superior people that coffee drinkers are,

when the jihad against the "other" people begins,

the coffee drinkers will clearly be victorious.

and being the on edge hyper spastic teeth stained freaks that they are,
the coffee drinkers won't let a single "them" live.

thus, the earth will be expunged of half the problem.

now,

and this is where my hideous plan rears it's ugly head,

the super-k-rad-sekret subset of RULING coffee drinkers slowly replaces
the normal-lame-stupid-subset of coffee drinkers' coffee supply with

*gasp i'm so evil*

decaff.

thus finally driving the new "Them" over the edge into pits of depraved,
um,
depravity until finally they all, um, finally snap and kill themselves/others.

leaving the super-k-rad-sekret CAWFEE GAWDS alone with

ALL OF THE WORLD'S COFFEE SUPPLY!!!!

and then i kill you all and take your coffee too.

see,

like,

i think this would, um, really, REALLY, RILLY work out for the best.

um.

seriously.

um.

MY GOD HOW CAN THE BACKS OF MY EYEBALLS ITCH THUSLY WHAT ARE YOU STARING
AT MY GOD WHERE IS MY COFFEE??!?!?!?!?!?!?

thank you,

and good night.

well,

good night for you.

there isn't a chance i'm getting to sleep for,

oh,

i dunno,

4 years.

--
"And "Thou Shallt Not Steal My Slack" shall be the whole of the law"
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Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: kevbob@ecsis.net (kevbob)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jul 24, 2000 8:11 PM
Message-ID: <snptpk4r3j198@corp.supernews.com>

kevbob@ecsis.net (kevbob) posted to alt.slack on Tue, 25 Jul 2000
02:04:37 GMT with <snptdlb73j1177@corp.supernews.com>

>and then i kill you all and take your coffee too.

oh hey, like, um, HAW HAW, that part was, um, er, the joke.

so, um, just ignore that part.

ok.

--
"And "Thou Shallt Not Steal My Slack" shall be the whole of the law"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

What about koffee enemas?
You wouldn't want the Church to be exclusionary.
That's what got the Catholics into that PR mess
they're in today.
And not just low colonic, either. You gotta take
the ones that squirt koffee *all the way up*, or
yur a bigot.

And don't ferget the ones who just shove all them
koffee beans up their bums.
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Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: kevbob@ecsis.net (kevbob)

um.

they'll be part of the first "cleansing"?

--
"And "Thou Shallt Not Steal My Slack" shall be the whole of the law"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: joy@bronze.coil.com (Joy D'Veeve)

In article <snptdlb73j1177@corp.supernews.com>,
kevbob <kevbob@ecsis.net> wrote:
>there's talk, occassionally, everyonce in a while, maybe,
>of what this church needs.
>
>this church needs more women.

True

>this church needs less computer geeks.

False

This church needs *more* friendly, male, deliciously geeky men.
Preferably in the Columbus, OH area and available 24/7 to answer any
computer-type questions a Connie-ite may have.

I'm more the tea type myself.

Joy D'Veeve

--
I try to be a sweetheart, but nothing seems to work
Would you love me better if I acted like a jerk?
--The Duke of Uke
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Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: absent <absentNOabSPAM@wcnet.org.invalid>

My email address is absent@wcnet.org.
I am delicious, Yeti, and free.
I work tech support for the local freenet.
Darjeeling with honey and milk is my brew (But I drink coffee
and tea).
I live about 120 miles from Columbus.

Okay, actually most of my Nerd Points are in Playing/recording
music...but I DO really work tech support; and anyways, I'm...

William I
Emperor of Mars

joy@bronze.coil.com (Joy D'Veeve) wrote:
>>This church needs *more* friendly, male, deliciously geeky men.
>Preferably in the Columbus, OH area and available 24/7 to
answer any
>computer-type questions a Connie-ite may have.
>
>I'm more the tea type myself.
>
>Joy D'Veeve

-----------------------------------------------------------

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----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: "Rev Dick" <rstage@columbus.rr.com>

You rang? In Clintonville now, moving back to campus in less than a week.
What can I do for oyu?

----------

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: absent <absentNOabSPAM@wcnet.org.invalid>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 26, 2000 3:30 AM
Message-ID: <0436ff52.722eca2c@usw-ex0104-033.remarq.com>

He may be from Clintonville, but he's not the Emperor of Mars
and protector of the Belt.

Still Looking For a High-Speed interplanetaty craft and pressure
suit,

William I
Emperor of Mars and High Minister of Analog Tape

-----------------------------------------------------------

Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com.
Up to 100 minutes free!
http://www.keen.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: prostata@bronze.coil.com (Rev. Prostata Cantata)

>I live about 120 miles from Columbus.
>
>William I
>Emperor of Mars
>
>
Uh.

Mars is a LOT more than 120 miles from Columbus.

In fact, at the momment it's on the other side of the SUN.

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Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: John Eichinger <28867@udel.edu>

I'll take it iced

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Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: kevbob@ecsis.net (kevbob)

>I'm more the tea type myself.

so, er, lemmee get this straight...

you _agree_ with the part wherein i, or my minions, kill everyone and
i take all the coffee?

um, i just wanna be clear on this.

if so,

you have any "minion" qualifications?

it's hard to find good "minions" these days.

sigh.

i can't think up any more sentences to say "minion" in.

--
"And "Thou Shallt Not Steal My Slack" shall be the whole of the law"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: petew+usenet@drizzle.com (Crgre Jvyyneq)

I'M GLAD MY COFFEE DOESN'T HAVE THAT EYEBALL FLOATING IN
IT???!!! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT????????????????????????

--
Peter Willard http://www.drizzle.com/~petew
``The fact that inhumanity is coupled with so much stupidity
makes one feel almost optimistic in a dangerous way.'' -Erich
Hecke
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: what this church needs
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

Wait'll you get a load of our new genetically-engineered
koffee bean. 500 lbs. and you can *see* the veins pump
pure espresso! You'll want to tear off yer clothes and
jomp on that sumbitch and vampire the HELL out of it!
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Original file name: what this church needs - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:33