Important Sex Survey

From: sosodada <kwpasto@attglobal.net>

Date: Fri, Jul 28, 2000 11:29 AM

What do you least like about sex?

The obligatory conversation following?

The whole damned "relationship thing"?

Disposing of the used prophylactics?

The Kleenex tissue that gets stuck to your drying, glue-like genital
residue when you try to clean up?

Pubic hair caught in your teeth, under your tongue and between your
cheek & gums?

The smell of ass?

Rug burns?

Cleaning up all the dried wax?

Wax on the rug?

Baby talk?

Baby oil?

Baby diapers that just don't fit your fat 30-year old ass?

Getting the pages stuck together in an otherwise perfectly good copy of
Leg World?

Washing the dildos off with a solution of bleach and peroxide?

The leather bill from the dry cleaners?

When the prostitute steals yor wallet?

Hoof-scars on your legs & back?

Losing the keys to the handcuffs?

Letting your mom watch?

Model release forms?

Undigested corn and tomato skin?

A painful regimen of antibiotic injections?

Defrosting the cuttle fish?

Lets say that some friends of yours from out of town descend for a
week. How do you deal with the domestic turmoil? What turmoil? Or what
friends? Do you have any friends? If you do, are they really friends if
they would impose for a whole week? What if they brought their dog and
picked their noses in your living room unabashedly, flicking little
balls of snot onto your carpet as if this were socially acceptible
behavior ? and then they drank all your beer? what if they peed all over
your toilet seat and didn't wipe up after themselves? what if they
wanted to stay up all night and watch porno movies with the sound up so
loud your next-door neighbor, the Bishop, would hear the moaning,
gramning and poorly-recorded cheesy music on his way to sunrise service
or whatever the hell he's leaving the house to go do when you've just
driven home drunk right before dawn? and then your so-called friends ate
all your food, smoked all your frop and when your landlord knocked on
the front door and they answered it wearing nothing but a Mexican
wrestler's mask and a giant black dildo?

Can I come over?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Important Sex Survey
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

sosodada wrote:
>
> What do you least like about sex?

Undercover police.

>
> The obligatory conversation following?

"I'm done. Get out."

>
> The whole damned "relationship thing"?

"I'm done. Get out, sis."

>
> Disposing of the used prophylactics?

Disposing? Six months or 10,000 miles.

>
> The Kleenex tissue that gets stuck to your drying, glue-like genital
> residue when you try to clean up?

Drapes are better.

>
> Pubic hair caught in your teeth, under your tongue and between your
> cheek & gums?

In the vaccuum, between the floorboards, stuck to the ceiling fan,
clogging up the power tools, in the light sockets.

>
> The smell of ass?

Donkeys smell. Fact o' life.

>
> Rug burns?

Burning upholstery.

>
> Cleaning up all the dried wax?

Use the extra to encase the next victim in.

>
> Wax on the rug?

Blood on the pavement.

>
> Baby oil?

Extra virgin if you press it yourself.

>
> Baby diapers that just don't fit your fat 30-year old ass?

Think earlier. Vaginal ear scrapes.

>
> Getting the pages stuck together in an otherwise perfectly good copy of
> Leg World?

Or the Congressional Record.

>
> Washing the dildos off with a solution of bleach and peroxide?

Dildoes are like pepperpots.

>
> The leather bill from the dry cleaners?

You put the leather on them, then you wet it. What dry cleaning?

>
> When the prostitute steals yor wallet?

When the prostitute goes flying out of a ten-story window?

>
> Hoof-scars on your legs & back?

You get burn marks from *them* hooves.

>
> Losing the keys to the handcuffs?

Keeping the keys to the submerged car.

>
> Letting your mom watch?

Letting mom join in.

>
> Model release forms?

Organ donor cards.

>
> Undigested corn and tomato skin?

Penis burns from stomach acid.

>
> A painful regimen of antibiotic injections?

Anthrax, rabies, parrot fever, bubonic plague, tetanus.

>
> Defrosting the cuttle fish?

Better cold. After pickling in grain alcohol.

>
> Lets say that some friends of yours from out of town descend for a
> week. How do you deal with the domestic turmoil?

Homicide.

> What turmoil?

Multiple stab wounds.

> Or what
> friends?

Internet chat-room acquaintances.

> Do you have any friends?

Friends are just enemies who don't know you yet.

> If you do, are they really friends if
> they would impose for a whole week?

Would they really be dead if I re-used their body parts?

> What if they brought their dog and
> picked their noses in your living room unabashedly, flicking little
> balls of snot onto your carpet as if this were socially acceptible
> behavior?

And what if I grafted their head on their dogs' body?

> and then they drank all your beer?

Necessary anesthesia.

> what if they peed all over
> your toilet seat and didn't wipe up after themselves?

There are no toilets in the cages. Straw.

> what if they
> wanted to stay up all night and watch porno movies with the sound up so
> loud your next-door neighbor, the Bishop, would hear the moaning,
> gramning and poorly-recorded cheesy music on his way to sunrise service
> or whatever the hell he's leaving the house to go do when you've just
> driven home drunk right before dawn?

The Bishop belongs to the Church of Satan.

> and then your so-called friends ate
> all your food, smoked all your frop and when your landlord knocked on
> the front door and they answered it wearing nothing but a Mexican
> wrestler's mask and a giant black dildo?
>

My landlord found out that while you can feed a cold and starve a
fever, you can't drown a cold.

> Can I come over?

If you don't tell anyone where you are going. It's a secret.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Important Sex Survey
From: HellPope Huey X <radiopopeNOraSPAM@hotmail.com.invalid>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Jul 28, 2000 3:03 PM
Message-ID: <1b53df0a.2a63a01e@usw-ex0103-019.remarq.com>

I'm probably the wrong person to ask about most of these things.
I'm wearing only a Burger King crown, I have Power Puff Girls
keychains clipped to my nipples, I'm balls-deep in a canteloupe
and I'm typing this in with one hand. Whackita whackita whackita!

HellPope Huey,
When mere neutron bombs aren't enough,
come to us, the professionals. We'll blow 'em up REAL good!

"If this were a just world, before the show even started Monday
night, the tungsten-steel c-clamp holding the loose skin back on
Joan Rivers's skull would suddenly blow out and she'd
instantaneously unravel into a yapping shar-pei scooting her Vera
Wang hind end across the carpet to hump Jack Valenti's leg."
- Dennis Miller, "I Rant, Therefore I Am"

"He does not speak as much as exhale
and he exhales polysyllabically."
- Edwin Newman, on William F. Buckley

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00111010101BOB1110110110011010$3011100101010140306110010101010
100011010175214000011001010BITEME100100101

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Original file name: Important Sex Survey - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:33