Feeling old?

From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Apr 20, 2001 6:34 AM
Message-ID: <9bp3bg$ej7@news-central.tiac.net>

[forwarded from email]

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the
Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the
space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced
when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. They have
always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a dial TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable.

Tin foil on antenna's mean nothing to them. There have always been VCRs,
but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or
why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil
War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: " Where's the beef?", " I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane, de plane".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

But the Church of the SubGenius has also always existed, for those of them
who have heard of us.

--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Feeling old?
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

Ah, but the advantages of age:

They have prolly never been in a 3-way.

They have never had the pure, unbridled joy of sticking
a stilletto in a discovered poker cheat.

The have never left a brothel at 4am, so disgusted with
themselves they want to jump in the nearest river.

Or the rush of significantly cheating on their taxes and
getting away with it.

Or selling Maoist rebels a case of bullets loaded with C-4.

Or being paid for services rendered in cut jemstones.

Or boinking their bosses' wife on his desk, to celebrate
his latest heart attack.

Or training a pitbull to tear the lungs out of an intruder.

Or doing enough alcohol and drugs to kill three people, or
so you would like to believe.

Or ruining someone else's lunch by smoking a cigar.

Or stealing artifacts from some ancient archeological site.

Or defiling a church or cemetery.

Or machinegunning rioters from the relative safety of a
helicopter.

Or interrogating an enemy you hold in deep contempt and
hatred.

Or celebrating an otherwise unimportant calendar date, which
you know marks the end of the statute of limitations.

Of surviving all of your enemies.

--
"There is no nu-monet. There is only Zuul."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Feeling old?
From: Hulkturds@crappagammabrick.ouch (HellPope Huey)

>
> They have prolly never been in a 3-way.

I was in one last night. Ah, the power of cheese! Whew.

> They have never had the pure, unbridled joy of sticking
> a stilletto in a discovered poker cheat.

Or a Pacifica manager who squirmed like a Brazilian earthworm over being
in the midst of a matching-grant scam. I wiped the blade on her rep as I
left.

> The have never left a brothel at 4am, so disgusted with
> themselves they want to jump in the nearest river.

I left at 3, showered the NEXT morning and never felt dirty once, except
when Betty did that THING with the stud in her tongue. Twice.

> Or the rush of significantly cheating on their taxes and
> getting away with it.

I plead the 5th.

> Or selling Maoist rebels a case of bullets loaded with C-4.

Never did that, but I once loaned a Glock to a pal so he could drive away
a psycho girlfriend.

> Or being paid for services rendered in cut jemstones.

Never had that pleasure, but I've been compensated with CDs, frop, head
and some stellar 20+ year friendships. You watched Jem too, eh?

> Or boinking their bosses' wife on his desk, to celebrate
> his latest heart attack.

Nope. But I did nail one's daughter.

> Or training a pitbull to tear the lungs out of an intruder.

I just wanna shoot the endless howler the new neighbors leave alone so
he sets up a warble that's making my teeth itch. How many 10mg Valium does
one stick inside doggie treats to kill a 40-pound dog, anyway?

> Or doing enough alcohol and drugs to kill three people, or
> so you would like to believe.

That's Pope Black's job. I stopped short, so I can still write today.

> Or ruining someone else's lunch by smoking a cigar.

Or quoting from Dobbs.

> Or stealing artifacts from some ancient archeological site.

Or stealing a $50 from a cash drawer and getting a sniping queen we all
hated fired over it. I used it to triumphantly treat pals to dinner and
fram.

>Or defiling a church or cemetery.

The bishop went ballistic when he found the rubbers in the baptismal font.

> Or machinegunning rioters from the relative safety of a
> helicopter.

Um, well, I once threw a cokehead out a door and onto his face.

> Or interrogating an enemy you hold in deep contempt and
> hatred.

Sorta like us carving on Boob Deen? Get him to XXXX-Day so we can tie
him to a Pagan post and have a bitch-slap booth to raise cash for the Home
for Slackless Children.

> Or celebrating an otherwise unimportant calendar date, which
> you know marks the end of the statute of limitations.

I didn't know it was your SISTER'S cat, I swear it.

> Of surviving all of your enemies.

I only have 3 or 4. I'm working on it.

Modemac and Nu-Monet. Two mo' good reason to turn on the friggin'
computer in the morning.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com

Flabberant. It means "a lackluster rant, without
adequate energy or Dobbsly underpinning."
F-L-A-B-B-E-R-A-N-T.
Its a perfectly cromulent word.

"Politics is Hollywood for ugly people."
- Jewel

"Give her a pair of thigh-high vinyl boots
and a hot glue gun and she can
really punch your ticket."
- "Dharma & Greg"

"You must be joking...take a running jump."
- Genesis, "Harold the Barrel"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: wbarwell@starbase.neosoft.com (William Barwell)
Newsgroups: alt.slack

>
> I just wanna shoot the endless howler the new neighbors leave alone so
>he sets up a warble that's making my teeth itch. How many 10mg Valium does
>one stick inside doggie treats to kill a 40-pound dog, anyway?

Warfarin. I teaspoon of brand name rat poison in about
a quarter cup's worth of hamburger. Why waste a perfectly
good Valium on a friggin' dog anyway?

Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope of Houston
Slack!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: davidvoth@ihateclowns.com (One nurse at a time)

I sometimes walk around the UC San Diego campus for exercise, food,
and amusement. Not only is the place populated by people who were
born after the Reverend Shining Path of Least Resistance and I
graduated, about 2/3 of them are Asian.

>But the Church of the SubGenius has also always existed, for those of them
>who have heard of us.

--
"If you're accused falsely of the same thing three times,
that's a freebie."
- St. John Iceknife
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Feeling old?
From: Anonymous <anonymous@anonymous.anonymous>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

>
> Warfarin. I teaspoon of brand name rat poison in about
> a quarter cup's worth of hamburger. Why waste a perfectly
> good Valium on a friggin' dog anyway?

Even better, for the mechanically inclined: Spring bait!
Take a six inch length of heavy piano wire and sharpen the ends
to a fine point. Coil it up in a tight loop, and hold it that way
with a clothespin. Now, pack the coil into a ball of hamburger and
freeze well. Once completely solid, remove the clothespin. The
frozen meat will hold the wire in a coil. Feed to hungry vermin
and watch the fun.

Eskimos pulled the same trick with sharpened baleen on polar bears.

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Original file name: Feeling old? - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:33