Why?

Here's the new, improved version of the Chicken Answers. Pope Bob (aka
RAWilson) had something to do with this.

art by cuthulu

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson, but that the
three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player did not also cross.
--Sherlock Holmes

She was a victim of the Illuminati One World conspiracy.
-- Rev. Pat Robertson

This chicken story seems merely more gaga New Age silliness at first, but
may contain something more sinister. No reputable scientists has ever
reported a chicken crossing a road. Alleged "close encounters" with such
chickens are
claimed by ignorant and
suggestible people only. Farmers queried all report large fences around
their hen-yards, to prevent chickens from escaping. One recalls similar
mass delusions in Nazi Germany before Hitler.
--Martin Gardner.

She was a victim of the Jewish conspiracy.
-- Adolph Hitler

O thin men of Haddam
Why seek so eagerly the golden bird?
Do you not see the chicken
On the dirt road you walk?
--Wallace Stevens

She was a victim of the English Gnostic Drug Cartel conspiracy.
--Lyndon LaRouche

I sent a hen into the astral plane
To learn our future, and man's luck,
And by and by the bird returned
But all she'd say was "Cluck, cluck, cluck!"
--Omar Khayyam

She was a victim of the male conspiracy.
-- Gloria Steinem

She was dazed and disoriented after the extra-terrestrials abducted and
genetically altered her.
--Budd Hopkins

This Department recalls the distasteful incident of the Chainsaw
Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling -- Breakthrough in hen yard
-- Towers open fire -- Goddam floating whorehouse -- Death is the
navigator -- A few may get through to the Gate in Time --
--William S. Burroughs

She was brainwashed by the liberal feminazi media.
--Rush Limbaugh

I will consider my hen Brigit
For she iss a servant of the living God, Rising in the dawn to praise the
Sun in her song, Retiring at dusk like an honest worker,
Making by Alchemy from simple seeds
The wonder of an egg to feed me at breakfast: For she fears Death and the Devil
Known to her as Fox and Chickenhawk;
For she is motherly to her chicks;
For she refutes the Atheist and Mechanic Choosing of her free will to
cross the road!
--Christopher Smart

Why, let us freely feather our brutish nests In this barnyard world --
like the hen i' the adage -- Until the Ax of mortality falls on all our
necks And we squawk and make one final futile flutter: Then blackest night
falls on the king and commoner.
--Will Shakespeare

To blow, man, to get groovy and dharma blissed-out in the henyard of
railroad earth.
--Jack Kerouac

it all depends
on one road here
now
and one chicken here
now
in the mud
by the wheelbarrow
--William Carlos Williams

Chickens and roads were not
Nor stars nor moon nor earth
Until man's mind made all,
All, of his bitterness and mirth.
--William Butler Yeats

I would prefer that my neighbors and the police knew nothing about that chicken,
but it would be even better if they knew several things that were quite wrong.
--Flann O'Brien

I saw a chicken cross the road
But could not stop to ask
Why she had to hurry so
Or what the urgent task.
--Emily Dickenson

Actually, we'll probably change that on rewrite.
--Quentin Tarantino

To find a place to plant the other glove.
--F. Lee Bailey

Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out.
--Tomas de Torquemada

A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken in motion remains in motion.
--Sir Isaac Newton

I'm sorry, Ollie. I left the hen-house door open.
--Stan Laurel

To boldly go where no hen has gone before.
-- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk

The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect
chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.
--Plato

She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.
--Karl Marx

It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.
--Aristotle

Those who cluck do not know.
Those who know do not cluck.
--Lao Tse

To see what's out there.
-- Capt. Jean Luc Picard

It was a national security matter.
-- Col. Oliver North

Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.
-- Basil Fawlty

Because it's there.
--Sir Edmund Hilary

The lions still roam the barranca
And a hen there is always alone.
--The Kingston Trio

The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like all female
creatures she wanted to be dominated.
-- Sigmund Freud

The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one
logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others.
-- Jacques Derrida

This chicken problem has many depths,
but all of them are equally shallow.
-- Oscar Wilde

Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
"Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God."

Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
You did not see that auto speeding.
"Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
God just had a Tygerish mood."
--William Blake

Forty-two.
-- Douglas Adams

It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day.
--Aleister Crowley

We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
--Vito Corleone

To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight...
--Sappho

To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.
--Jean Paul Sartre

To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while
And then to move onward to a third place.
--T.S.Eliot

To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.
--Buddha

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends upon the inertial system of the observer.
--Albert Einstein

It was the next step after coming down from the trees.
--Charles Darwin

All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life,
liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
--Thomas Jefferson

When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court
officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen may cross any road
in the kingdom safely.
--Confucius

The fuckin chicken crossed the fuckin road, okay? No problem, okay?
--Jack Nicholson

To die. In the rain.
--Ernest Hemingway

To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless
and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of
madness
-- H.P. Lovecraft

There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only -- an interpretation.
--Friederich Nietzsche

Cause I had the fuckin bird pinned to my right nipple when I started
chasin Nancy cross the road with my fuckinch switchblade.
--Sid Vicious

She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
-- Darth Vader

She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of
feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a
free-range chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look back.
--Raymond Chandler

Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre,
end sot)
and charged that lewd brigade
into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.
--James Joyce

Carol Christmas never knew if she had actually seen a chicken calmly
crossing the street in New York's worst traffic, or if it was another
nasty joke by that malign dwarf, Chaney. But now she was seeing chickens
at every corner, waiting for the light to change. She saw them most often
after coming out of her class on post-modern literature.
--Robert Anton Wilson

I will not use a chicken as a frisbee.
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee.
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee.
I will not use
--Bart Simpson

Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!
--Weekly World News

The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative and not wait for a
government-funded street-light program.
--Newt Gingrich

Uncle Ike saw her first: just an ordinary chicken, he thought for a
moment, a chicken picking here and pecking there, gradually working her
way across the road toward the lawn; but then he felt the fingers tighten
on his arm and looked up, astounded, to see him, the Colonel, eyes lit
with a new fire, face aglow like a saint seeing a vision: and then it was
destiny, a thing pre-ordained, a fatality, for the Colonel did not reveal
even to him, Uncle Ike, the secret ingredients, not the names of the herbs
and not even the number of them (some would say he used as many as twenty,
and others insisted there was butJone magic herb that created that special
flavor) and so the secret of the crust remained, a hermetic mystery, an
arcanum implacable and inpenetrable, locked in the private places of the
Colonel's soul: and yet the vision was real, a true moment of Fate; for
the franchises sold almost as fast as they could slaughter and gut the
stock, and they spread across the country, across the civilized world,
making the Colonel not just a millionaire but a billionaire, and Uncle Ike
saw it all, knew it all, from the beginning to the day when the initials
KFC were to be seen in every city, every town, every hamlet large enough
to own two mules and an Assembly of God church: until now, standing in the
franchise in Jefferson, Yoknapatawpha County, where Flem Snopes, the bank
president, hawked and coughed and spat on the floor, then hoisted his
britches, country style, and said to the waitress, "Make it extra crispy,
please."
--William Faulkner

I ate her liver. With fava beans.
And a brandied cranberry sauce.
--Hannibal Lecter, M.D.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend)
Subject: Chicken Shit (repost from SubGenius Digest #146)
Organization: Dad's New Slacks
Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 20:00:25 EST

} WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
}
((cut))
}
} Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

} "Bob" Dobbs:

[FILL IN THE BLANK. WINNING ENTRY GETS A FREE TAPE!]

--
>>>Dad's Frapulous Tape Torture<<<
**Send a tape. Get a tape. It's that sleazy!**
Mail to: Dad's New Slacks - P.O. Box 4272 - Portland, Maine 04101-4272
::::or kill me for more email:::::

------------------------------------------------------
Chicken Shit (repost from SubGenius Digest #146)

>
> } WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
> }
> } "Bob" Dobbs:

"Because I wanted him to."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

-- Ex Vice President Dan "Tater" Quayle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net>

"Bob" Dobbs: "Hey, Buddy, Have *I* got a great deal for you on a
slightly used chicken!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)

"Because it PAID me the dollar for the toll."

"There's a sucker born again every minute."

--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: dmasson@ezinfo.ucs.indiana.edu (dmasson)

It did not cross the road; the sole reason it did so was because the
Conspiracy made it do so and because it wanted to so that it could SELL
Pils to the Pinks, giving it money for the almighty FISTING of FARM
ANIMALS which gets it off. So BEND over and let me impale you on my
cancerous meat axe that makes Mother Nature SQUISHY. Or Kill Me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend)
Subject: Chicken Shit: And The Winner Is...

...drumroll please...

gilmore@en.com (Gilmore), for this concise entry:

>: : } WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
>: : }
>: : } "Bob" Dobbs:
>:
>: "Gimme $20 and I'll tell you."

Okay, you can stop booing now. So the price is $30 now, big deal. And if
you entered because you really want a tape so bad, why don't you just send
me one and I'll send you one back?

Actually, Gilmore wins not so much for the entry but for having the
hippest looking sig:

\\\ _ /
\\\ // i r t u a l
\\// /
\/ \/ i S i o N s

Too cool. Anyway, Gilmore, email me your USnail address so I can send you
your tape posthaste. Or be brave like me and post it here for all the
world to see.

--
>>>Dad's Frapulous Tape Torture<<<
**Send a tape. Get a tape. It's that sleazy!**
Mail to: Dad's New Slacks - P.O. Box 4272 - Portland, Maine 04101-4272
::::or kill me for more email:::::

----------------------------------------------------------------------

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