DECLARATION OF ANDREW TESTA
I, Andrew Testa, hereby declare:
1. I am not providing this declaration on behalf of the
plaintiffs in Religious Technology Center, et al. v. Netcom On-Line
Communication Services, Inc., et al., No. C95-20091 RMW, United States
District Court for the Northern District of California. I have personal
knowledge of the facts set forth below due to my Operating Thetan
abilities to leave my body at will and spy on the wogs and have
formulated the opinions set forth below based on the spoo fed to me
by my handlers and the information beamed into my head from LRH. If
called upon to do so, I could barf into a paper bag from a third floor
balcony.
2. I received a useless Bachelor of Science in physics from
Marcab University in 1979. I also attended graduate school in Metaphysics
at Miskatonic University from 1980-1981. I attended continuing education
courses in Spurious Logic and Abdicating Free Will from RTC in association
with Rev. S.Y. Moon and Rev Robert Tilton.
3. I observed L. Ron Hubbard repeatedly flogging clams while
snapping his fingers as a form of punishment for OSA storm-troop-zombies
who didn't finish their bowls of rice. He would then snap his head
about as if being struck with an ugly stick and begin mumbling about
a massive BT cluster in the back of his pants that had to be flushed out.
4. I observed an Ohm-meter from Radio Shack (tm, r, c, dvm) turn
into a snake and threaten Pharoah when confronted with it's failures in a
past existance as a chunk of elemental slag 5.4*10^67 years ago.
5. I observed the attorneys who coached my declaration cavorting
with demons in a clearing at midnight and having sexual relations with
dogs and prairie-squids.
6. I overheard, during a particulary good OOBE, the following
conversation between LRH and P.T. Barnum, after the spirit of LRH
whacked the thetan residues of Mr. Barnum with a hydrogen bomb:
LRH: "You dumb shit. Worked yer ass off and the best you could do was
fool a few yokels out in the sticks with yer sorry-assed side
show. What have ya got now? No followers, no stockpiles, not even
a damn office chair waiting for ya. Loser. Loo-hoo-hoo-zer. Not only
did I make money off a damn side show hoax, I'm STILL making money
off the damn thing 40 years after being debunked! I got those
fuckers so strung out I could shit on the floor, tell 'em it was
caviar, and the saps would scramble to tuck in! Next time around,
YOU take a lesson from ME, okay asshole?"
PTB: "Huh? Are you talking to me? What smells?"
7. I have completely and without reservation surrendered my
right to question the edicts of my superiors. Black is white.
8. David Miscaviage is a saprophyte who sucks the life
out of the faithful and will soon be spilling his guts on a witness
stand.
9. This is the silliest thing I have ever seen lawyers
get worked up over, and I hope to see someone have to explain the
intricacies of OTIII on a witness stand.
10. OTVIII says LRH is God. That'll be $300,000 please.
I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the Cult of
Scientology that the foregoing is true and correct. I declare nothing
under the laws of the United States of America as I am above wog law.
Executed this 9 day of March, 1995 at the secret thetan processing
center in the Pyrennes mountains.
/s/ Andrew Testa
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Original file name: Testa Declaration
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