Does the Church of the SubGenius have any cool sacraments?
I sort of like the sound of the Subject-Line. Like, someone
might say "Kill me!" and then everyone would pour Wesson Oil
all over themselves and slide around on the floor until they
felt suffiently "dead."
....................TEAR.ALONG.THE.DOTTED.LINE.....................
Epopt of the Exploding Head of JFK. Licensed to blaspheme the Gods
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside!
Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214
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From: clavis@ix.netcom.com (John P. Olinyk)
In <3mk104$6de@lucy.infi.net> dynasor@infi.net (Dennis
McClain-Furmanski) writes:
>Suggestions are in the back of the Book of the SubGenius, in the
chapter
>about performing services.
>
>One of them is the preacher saying "KILL ME" and the congregation
throws
>money at him. Another is the drinking of the sacred kool-aid.
>
Then again, there may or may not be a RULE against organized meetings
STRICTLY for the purpose of wor-shipping our Beloved Phule, J.R. "Bob"
Dobbs. Devivals seem to usually consist of some sort of carousing,
merry-making or otherwise carrying on, with spouting and ranting being
only a fraction (however large) of that revelry.
Then again, Stang seems to prefer sitting alone in a dark room writing
to ranting onstage in front of bottle-throwing Po'Buckers with no money.
I wonder why? :)
I would love to pack a room with SubGenii, if only to watch CNN footage
of the entire building lifting 6 inches into the air, due to the amassed
psychomoronic energy inside. Hell-LOOOOOOO, NURSE!
the Grand Clavister
(who uses the Norm-de-plume "John P. Olinyk" for tax purposes only)
SEND ALL KEYS TO:
O.L.I.N.Y.K.
P.O. BOX 2559
GRAND CENTRAL STATION
NEW YORK, NY 10163-2559
AND YOUR DOG WILL love YOU FOR IT!
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From: jlyons@haven.ios.com (John)
Jeffrey D. Rients wrote:
: Tropical Punch is the most unholy of drinks.
Reminds me: I haven't been able to drink Hawaiian Punch since my
early twenties, when my friend Ken used to do what he called his "spit
trick". You know how those syrupy kind of drinks make your spit all ropy?
Well, he'd drink a can (seems like it's more concentrated in the cans,
maybe it just ferments better or something) and anyway, he'd have a mouth
full of ropy spit. He would proceed to drool out a loooong string of
blood-red spit, reaching almost to the ground, and then, after letting it
dangle a bit for full effect, *SLURP* it back up into his mouth.
If I recall correctly, I _admired_ him.
--
| | Awake! for Morning in the Bowl of Night |
| John | Has flung the Stone |
| jlyons@haven.ios.com | that puts the Stars to Flight |
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From: spl@szechuan.ucsd.edu (Steve Lamont)
Lately, the favorite sacrament around this here newsfroup it seems to
be Extreme Unctiousness.
Lemmee see what I can dredge out of my catechetical indorctranation as
a Roamin' Cathaholic (recovering):
"Bob"tism
First Wholly Cummunion
(is CONfession a sacrament -- I don't remember anymore)
Disinfirmation
Holey Disorders
and, last and very least, Extreme Dysfunction.
Are there more? I "fell away" from the Church and stopped going to
Mass when they changed it so I could understand the words.
There oughta be Co$G parallels. Or not.
Ite missae est!
Deo gratias!!!
spl
--
Steve Lamont, SciViGuy -- (619) 534-7968 -- spl@szechuan.ucsd.edu
San Diego Microscopy and Imaging Resource/UC San Diego/La Jolla, CA 92093-0608
"This newfangled 'Information Superhighway' thing is gonna need some
'Informational Hell's Angels,' if you know what I mean." - Craig Burley
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From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
The one only TRUE sacrament of the Church of the SubGenius is the
SACRAMENT OF SACRAMENTALLY INVENTING NEW SACRAMENTS. Just try not to
invent ones using spam. That's another, even STUPIDER religion.
N
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.
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From: eraserhead@iglou.iglou.com (David Lynch)
Mark E. Smith (mesmith@cris.com) wrote:
: Tahitian Treat has enough dye in it to turn your crap red.
: There's gotta be something unholy about a beverage that lets you
: pretend you have rectal lesions.
I dicovered a while ago that both green and blue Hawaiian Punch would
turn your shit an unhealthy green, sorta moss-colored, so naturally I
drank as much of it as I could. Unfortunately, I don't think they sell it
anymore. Bummer.
--
eraserhead@iglou.com
"Scientology is my business and business is good"
Member, 1st Church of the Overinflated Head of L. Ron Hubbard
Send $1 to: PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
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From: mesmith@cris.com (Mark E. Smith)
They do indeed still sell blue Hawaiian Punch. Saw it in the
supermarket recently. Blue HP and pork rinds would make a
helluva sacrament.
Another fine novelty beverage to look for at your favorite
grocer: Canfield Diet Chocolate Peanut Cola. That stuff probably
makes you shit Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
--
Mark E. Smith <mesmith@cris.com>
Due to lack of interest, the afterlife has been cancelled.
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From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Well, this is a real fine how-do-ye-do. Somebody asks about a serious
subject like SubGenius Sacraments and everybody goes off on a tangent
about which junk drinks taste most bulldada. That's all well and good, but
it's a moot point, because WE ALL KNOW that ANYTHING, even one's own spit,
can be the "Blood" of Dobbs, and any old celophane-wrapped candy bar from
a machine works as his "meat." I will grant you that the drinks that make
your spit ropey, like okra-slime, have their special charms. One SubGenius
that I grew up with used to glag down some plain orange juice, get his
saliva all viscous, and then extend the "snot-string" all the way down to
the FLOOR where it would catch a wandering cockroach, ant or dustball, so
that he could suck the whole terrible mess back up into his mouth, thus
combining "Bob's" blood or sputum and his flesh both. (The "string" often
broke before he could swallow the ant, however. There's a real art to it.)
At the fancy-schmancy "SubGenius Art Show" we put on at the Psychedelic
Sollution Gallery in NYC, back when, we offered a sacrament of Thunderbird
Wine (red label) in Dixie cups and WONDER BREAD which had been STAMPED
with a large Dobbshead in LEMON JUICE and THEN toasted, so that the
Dobbshead appeared on the toast like a miraculous tortilla image of Jesus.
Youngsters were coming back for fourth and fifth hits of that Thunderbird
Dobbs-blood... I kept trying to warn 'em...
The Thunderbird Pints we used were etched with a Dobbshead by a famous
glass artist. Like the best SubGenius artful-type events, it was a mixture
of the Highest and Lowest of Brows.
Look, if you people want to get into some sacramentality that'll IMPRESS
DOBBS, try SNAKE HANDLING.
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
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From: mesmith@cris.com (Mark E. Smith)
Hey, don't blame me for trying to keep myself entertained while
you're out gallavanting around, getting yourself trucksplatted by
stump-jumping inebriates. Besides, there are plenty of snakes
around that are safer to handle than drinking diet chocolate
peanut cola. SCORPION HANDLING, now that's impressive.
And why the hell would I want to impress Dobbs, anyway? He has
my pstench on file, but aside from that, I'm not sure I'd want to
so much as attract his attention, let alone impress him. I'd
only piss him off, probably, and then where would I be? Already
I'm convinced that my job on the Pleasure Saucers will be
scrubbing toilets -- the last thing I need is to enrage "Bob" and
end up with a gig as Wipe Boy.
--
Mark E. Smith <mesmith@cris.com>
Original file name: Sacrament of Extreme PrejudÉ
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