One time during the ''72 campaign, Nixon went on "Hee Haw" to try and drum up support from the missing chromosome crowd. There were dozens of memorable moments (including a riotous interlude with those two hambone guys who would slap spoons on their knees and make those "hee-hah-haw-huh" noises; Nixon ended up taking the loose fence board in the ass; it still cracks me up thinking about it), but I thought I'd recreate the schtick that Nixon and Archie Campbell did in one of those barbershop skits.
Nixon walks into the barbershop wearing overalls, and goes through the contrived greeting nonsense with Grandpa Jones, Roy Clark, Junior Samples, and Stringbean. The usual incidental harmonica music is playing. Nixon sits in the barber's chair and starts shooting the shit with Archie Campbell (who for some reason is affecting a British accent):
AC: Pip pip, there Dickie boy, jolly good to see you what? What can I do you for?
RN: Oh, just a trim around the ears and a little off the front.
(At this point, Buck Owens starts snickering; an obvious reference to Nixon's pattern baldness. Nixon glowers at him, and some canned laughter is pumped in.)
AC: I say, Dickie, did you ever get that bloody air conditioner of yours repaired?
RN: No, the repairman said I'll need to get a new compressor. Fuckin' thing's going to cost me $250. Archie, do you know why a goddamned air compressor should cost $250?
AC: Well, you see, Dickie boy, an air compressor is a bit of a mechanical marvel. You should be bloody pleased to get one for such a pittance.
RN: Whudduya mean, Arch?
(At this point, Junior Samples lifts his right leg and lets out a fart. Everybody cracks up, and Grandpa Jones starts fanning the air with his hat.)
AC: I say, Junior, don't you need to be off for a fresh diaper? (Canned laughter). Dickie! (Archie looks at the camera and feigns amazement at Nixon's stupid question), an air compressor has a tremendous responsibility in your typical home refrigeration or air conditioning system. Now suppose you're the compressor; Stringbean is the condensor; Grandpa is the expansion valve, and Junior is the evaporator.
(Junior farts again, but this time nobody laughs. George Lindsay gets up and moves to a different chair.)
AC: The idea, Dickie boy, is for Stringbean to take the high pressure gas what comes out of you, and condense it into a liquid.
RN: Well, how does he do that, Arch?
AC: He uses a coolant, Dickie. Might be gas, might be liquid; the point is that the hot gas that you produce needs to be chilled a might before Grandpa can work with it. Grandpa lowers the pressure, and you know what happens when you lower the pressure on a gas or liquid, don't you Dickie boy?
RN: No, Arch, what happens?
AC: It gets even colder, ya bleedin' ninny! (More canned laughter as Archie slaps Nixon across the shoulder with his handtowel. Stringbean slaps his knee and lets out a yuk.)
RN: Why's that, Arch?
AC: If the bloody air molecules aren't bumpin' up against one another so much, don't you think they might bloody well cool down a bit?
RN: Yeah, I guess so, Arch.
AC: Damn right they will! Anyhow, Junior takes the super-cooled refrigerant, vaporizes it, and maintains the proper temperature with the assistance of a thermostat.
RN: So who's the thermostat?
AC: It bloody well doesn't matter who's the fucking thermostat, ya stupid git! Junior's vaporizing the refrigerant and maintaining a nice crispy temp, so that your frozen beef pies and fudge sticks don't melt. The heat from your nasty frozen food items is absorbed by the vaporized refrigerant. That's the whole bloody idea!
(At this point, Archie is getting impatient, and all of the Hee Haw guys are cracking up at Nixon's stupidity).
RN: So if the vaporized refrigerant is absorbing heat, doesn't it eventually get too warm?
AC: That's where you come in, Dickie boy! You're the bleedin' compressor! You suck up that vapor, and compress it into the high-pressure gas that Stringbean uses!
RN: Well shit, Arch, I guess that solves my problem!
AC: How's that Dickie?
RN: I'll just have Junior come over and fart into Stringbean's mouth!
(Archie looks pissed off and starts slapping at Nixon with the towel; the canned laughter swells, the banjo outro is played, and they cut to a close-up of Buck Owens howling it up. Buck turns to the camera and introduces The Haggar Twins).
-Joe Newman
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From: sphinx1@ix.netcom.com (sphinx drummond )
Subject: Re: Nixon on Hee Haw
I was watching Hollywood Squares one time and Charlie Weaver was asked
by Pete LaCock's father - "On the Emmy nominated country music variety
and comedy television show Hee Haw, who is the only person to have
bought a used car from Junior Samples." The answer of course is Richard
M. Nixon. Good Ol' Charlie, like a sly fox, bluffed as he was coached
to do, and said it was Charro. The poor dumb son of a bitch fell for
Charlie's magnificent bluff and X got the square to block. Charro stood
up and said "Gouchi Goucci" or "Koochie Koochie" or something or other.
Col. Sphinx Drummond I always lie and that's the truth.
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From: gunther@bga.com (Joe Newman)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.richard-nixon,alt.fan.zoogz-rift,alt.slack
Charlie Weaver was a genius. Paul Lynde, the center square, was less
cerebral than Charlie, but still earned my respect with his choice of
sweaters. Pete LaCock played 1st base for Kansas City one year when
my Dad took me to a ball game. The seats were 150 degrees, and I dropped
my hot dog beneath the bleachers, splattering French's mustard on all
those seated nearby. Charo was a genius. Everett Dirksen, the center
square, was less cerebral than Charo but would always blush when she
said "Senator Dirksen, would choo like to see my neeples?" in one of
those skits on the Dean Martin show.
Coincidentally, Charo's nipples appear on the new Nixon stamp.
-Joe Newman
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From: sphinx1@ix.netcom.com (sphinx drummond )
Newsgroups: alt.fan.richard-nixon,alt.fan.zoogz-rift,alt.slack
Topo Gigio was an amazing mouse. The androngenous rodent was kinda
sexy, in a TV game show kind of way. Topo Gigio was brilliant and
always insistantly infused informative innuendo interestingly in every
answer. Nipsy was a great bluffer. Charo was a genius. A fucking
genius. She is a truly gifted entertainer. That bitch can REALLY play
guitar. I'm gonna JACK-OFF to Charo tonight. She is a TALENTED serious
muscian when she wants to be.
Col. Sphinx Drummond I just think...Hell, I don't know.
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From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
Of course you boys DO know that Charo is a secret Sex Goddess...and
Xavier Kougat....an X-ist (look at his name fer crissakes!). I hear he
used to remove Charo's nipples and wear them as a yarmulke.
--
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
http://www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gunther@bga.com (Joe Newman)
I think he got this idea from Ed Gein.
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From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.richard-nixon,alt.fan.zoogz-rift,alt.slack
Subject: Re: Nixon on Hee Haw
In article <3pbsgp$nuh@giga.bga.com>, gunther@bga.com (Joe Newman) wrote:
> One time during the ''72 campaign, Nixon went on "Hee Haw" to try and drum up support > from the missing chromosome crowd. There were dozens of memorable moments > (including a riotous interlude with those two hambone guys who would slap spoons on > their knees and make those "hee-hah-haw-huh" noises; Nixon ended up taking the > loose fence board in the ass; it still cracks me up thinking about it), but I thought I'd > recreate the schtick that Nixon and Archie Campbell did in one of those barbershop > skits. >
Nixon did a lot of TV sitcom and variety show appearances. It wasn't just
Hee-Haw and Laugh-in. He did a cameo in the acid-drenched Monkees film,
HEAD, in which he waggles his eyebrows suggestively at Davey Jones (the
cute elfin British singer of the band) from a passing taxicab in the
Hollywood backlot scene. From what I understand, Jack Nicholson (who
co-wrote HEAD) was the one who got him to do it. Supposedly he met Zappa
during the shooting. There's a documentary about the Grateful Dead that
has footage of Nixon trading guitar licks with Jerry Garcia. Needless to
say, Nixon sounds amateurish compared to Garcia, but I was surprised to
see how well he could play an electric guitar. He seemed to be enjoying
the novelty of the "wah-wah" pedal. Unfortunately it's silent 8mm home
movie footage. If anybody has a bootleg tape of that I'd love to hear it.
Do you remember the Twilight Zone that had the younger Nixon as a walk-on
in a diner scene? It was the episode where the little talking devil-head
jukebox foretells the future. Nixon is this bum who tries to hit up
William Shatner for some money. Strangely enough he's clean-shaven, even
though his legendary 5 o'clock shadow ould, you'd think, be best left
there for a hobo role!
Stang
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: sambo@kbbs.com
though his twilight zone gig was his first speaking role (he recieved a
mere 117 samolies - scale at the time), he went on to command 1500 bucks
to just utter "sock it to me" on laugh-in! it's true about fame, and
the same theory about alex lifeson: we get paid more and more to play
less and less.
--
[*] Modem: (818) 886-0872 KBBS LOS ANGELES! ISDN:(818) 727-9218 [*]
[*] http://kbbs.kbbsnet.com Telnet: 204.96.25.7 Email: info@kbbs.com [*]
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From: gunther@bga.com (Joe Newman)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.richard-nixon,alt.fan.zoogz-rift,alt.slack
Subject: Re: Nixon on Hee Haw
i.stang@metronet.com
says...
>Do you remember the Twilight Zone that had the younger Nixon as a walk-on
>in a diner scene?
No, I missed this one. I guess I need to start taping re-runs on the
Quality Value Channel. It's possible this happened during the period
in the early 60s when Nixon was under Stinky Taft's "mandatory grooming"
mandate. Stinky Taft, you'll recall was William Howard Taft's brother.
At one point, thirty-seven members of the House of Representatives were
shaving their armpits daily. Then the Bay of Pigs put Stinky's grooming
regimen on the back burner.
-Joe Newman
Original file name: Nixon on Hee Haw
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