(#2 in a series)
[Either in the style of a used-car salesman or Sally Struthers]
So, you wanna be an Elder God.
Here at Elder GOd Tech, our ten-step process can, in just a few
short weeks, transform you into the gibbering, shambling mound
of goo that you've always known was your destiny. Elder Gods
are born, now made, and here at Elder God Tech, we've baan
making them for thousands of years. Great Cthulhu himself was
not always a titanic interdimensional being of terror; he was
once Jack Smith, an accountant from Jersey.
There is absolutely no obligation, and the first lesson is
free. In it, you'll study "How to Respond to Chants", "How to
Pronounce Your Own Name", and you'll get to pick out the
features that you want your new body to have. Our surgical team
can transform a 140-pound weakling into a 22,000-pound mutating
horror with scales, tentacles, gills, suckers, whatever you
want. Now, admittedly, the surgery is not AMA-certified, but we
refuse to allow stodgy old government regulations to control
your new form. We promise that, no matter how sick and twisted,
and no matter how much it costs, we will give you the body of
your nightmares.
And then, in just eight weeks of intensive training, we'll
teach you all you need to know about: Recruiting Followers,
Creating Jade Idols, and Generating Occult Smoke. You'll attend
seminars on Temple Design and Shrine Placement, and we'll show
you where to find the very best in Sinking Islands and Moving
Mountains.
We're fully accredited and we do take transfer students. And
you'll get so much more besides unlimited power. You'll get a
network of contacts - other EGT graduates! You'll get a place
to belong. Yes, you'll belong on this planet because you'll OWN
this planet!
Did you have a Jr. High bully? Crush him! Crush everyone with
the same hair color! Crush everyone with the same number of
vowels in their name! It's easy - when you know the secret.
Are you worried that you'll find your new "look" repellent?
Hey, beauty's only skin deep, and YOUR skin will be up to
thirty feet thick!
Now, you might be worried that some edler gods, such as our
18-ought-three valedictorian Nyarlathotep, are frequently
described as imbeciles. Idiots. And, yes, we do sometimes
remove all traces of intelligence from a student, but that's
just part of the whole gestalt. We do NOT do things half way.
A word or two about our competitors might be in order. The ABC
School of Elder Gods, for example, has rotten chants. Simple
and direct, those things are in Iambic Pentameter! They only
pass along the most obvious and simple-minded secrets of the
Universe, the Gods they turn out can't twist time and space,
can't turn mortals insane, tend to live only about 45 years,
have no tentacles - - all in all, it's shoddy.
At the Acme School, it's even worse. The followers they get are
absolutely bottom rung! NO research is necessary to summon an
Acme Elder God! Any English speaker can wander into the New
York Public Library and get the ritual. Their names AREN'T
jaw-cracking mouthfuls of consonants, and, quite frankly, that
attracts the laziest minions. The sort of seeker that they get
wouldn't be allowed into any public parks at midnight, and no
self-respecting domestic animal would DEIGN to be sacrificed by
them.
But here at Elder God Tech, you get the full range of benefits!
You'll live for millenia! You'll get to attend the annual
convention in the Marianas Trench! You'll get a 20% discount at
affiliated stores, and, if you act now, you'll get, absolutely
free, your own chapter in the upcoming _Necronomicon II: The
Hallucination_.
Don't you want thousands of alienated little high school losers
chanting YOUR name, performing YOUR rituals? Sure, we all do!
And we can tell you just how much disdain to show them, what
gifts to expect, and you can be secure in the knowledge that
you know how to put on a show before you crush their puny souls
and suck the marrow from their bones.
Our faculty is made up of the best aged scholars and gibbering
lunatics in the world. Terry Drumroll, one of our tenured
professors, is the World Champion Chanter! He once performed
six full chants in ten seconds and included the Lord's Prayer
backwards as an encore!
And if extracurricular activities are your bag, have we got a
Sports Department for YOU! For six straight eons, we've been
number ONE in glacier racing. Our coach, Icy Dan, is absolutely
unmatched in herding huge blocks of ice through a continent.
And when graduation comes, your family will watch in awe as the
2000-piece lobotomized choir belts out your personal chant.
You'll appear in a puff of greasy black smoke, resplendent in
your silk robe and mortarboard hat, an unimaginable horror from
the depths of beyond! Won't mom be proud? You'll take your
first soul amid the screams and gouts of blood; it'll be a
ceremont you'll remember for millenia!
And, friends, our chants all have at least twenty melodic
lines, ultracomplex antiharmony, megavibrato - - it's
absolutely state of the art. You have our guarantee that these
chants will result in elite, or at least non-tone-deaf
followers.
And you don't have to go straight into the cutthroat business
world! You can stick around for post-graduate work! Create your
own universe! Become a Lord of Creation!
All this and more can be yours, thanks to Elder God Tech -
"Sacrificing the Present to Bring the World of the Future Into
the Past!"
-Monty
--
"But wait! There's more! You also get this things that spins 'til it
falls off the wall!"
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Original file name: How to Be an Elder God
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