(#3 in a series)
Although it seems that people are more annoying than ever, some
people ask me, "Monty, how can *I*, Mr. Normal
Guy-on-the-Street Average maximize my annoyance potential?"
It's easy to be annoying. The trick is to be annoying
*creatively*. Anyone can whistle "The Name Game" all day at
work, but it takes practice to *sing* it endlessly - using only
the names "Murgatroyd" and "Benvolio".
WHY SHOULD I BE MORE ANNOYING?
Well, for one thing, if you're a SubGenius, you're probably
pretty annoying already. However, the odds are that most of the
people you're annoying are normals. Therefore, you can now
justify ALL of your annoying little quirks as "Guerilla
Warfare". Also, if you can manage to be annoying in new,
different ways, you can fool people into thinking you're
"clever" or "original".
Besides that, let's face it: most people annoy the spoo out of
YOU, don't they? Get back at them! If your roommates bug you
more than you bug them, YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! With
work, you can drive everyone around you into a frothing mass of
undirected rage, while you make off with their food, clothes,
and women.
WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT WAYS TO BE ANNOYING?
1) The "artsy" approach: Dress in black. Wear a goatee (even if
you're female). Write a poem about everything you see.
EVERYTHING. This doesn't mean that every time you see a
beautiful sunset, you should write a heartfelt sonnet. This
means you should READ your heartfelt sonnet to everyone you
see. Whether you know them or not. When you're in a bookstore,
recite clever literary limericks to the cashier (a good first
line would be "Edna St. Vincent Millay"). Sit in coffee shops
and draw sketches of other patrons. Then insist on making the
sketches "personal gifts".
2) The "whiny" approach: This comes naturally to most people.
Complain about everything, even stuff that doesn't exist
("You're only saying 'Hello' because you think you HAVE to,
aren't you?")
3) The "clever" approach: Laugh at inappropriate times. Deny
ever watching television. For that matter, deny ever doing
_anything_. ("Oh, you still read . . . books? How quaint. I
don't read anything written after 950 BC.") Claim that the New
York Times Crossword Puzzle has a misspelling in it. Then, just
when you've convinced everyone of your intellectual
pretensions, change directions violently. ("That Mike & Maty
show really speaks to me.")
WHAT IF I GET ON MY OWN NERVES?
That means you're doing it wrong. Ideally, you should be able
to walk around amusing yourself with a series of pointless
jokes, annoying snippets of songs, and the like. Try to strike
that happy medium between "fun" and "piss-boilingly stupid".
WHAT DO I DO IF SOMEBODY USES THESE TECHNIQUES ON ME?
Pretend you're not annoyed. Laugh at all the jokes without
punchlines. Sing along with whatever is sung at you. Ask if you
can have a bound copy of the poetry. Play along with it until
you can't take it anymore. Then slug 'em. The old ways are
always the best.
-Monty
--
"Am I buggin' ya? I don't mean to bug ya. Play the blues, Edge."
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Original file name: How 2 Be Annoying
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