CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
BY
REV. NANZI REGALIA
(DEACONESS OF THE SECOND CHURCH OF SCHISMATICS, NEW ORLEANS)
The Conspiracy is no fool. It recognizes, and rightfully fears, the vast, untapped power that lurks within the potential Uberfemme. That is why -- from the very moment a she-child emerges from the birth canal -- so much time and energy is spent on diverting the larval Uberfemme from recognizing and embracing her true destiny.
The first thing They do is to force an unconscious identification with the color pink onto the helpless infant. From the moment you are squirted into this planet of clocks, you are swaddled in pink blankets, dressed in frilly pink party dresses, and given pink diabetes-inducing big-eyed stuffed animals to play with. The unavoidable equation is written on your delicate brain tissue before you have even learned how to speak: Pink = Girl. Girl = Pink.
Once this basic programming is in place, the Conspiracy drives it home even further by insuring every girl-child is issued a Barbie Doll. This insidious piece of injection-mold plastic's function is to engender the belief that happiness can be found by purchasing an endless supply of fashion accessories and instill the delusion that all desirable, popular girls are blond, buxom, eternally smiling, with feet designed for six-inch stiletto heels -- not to mention completely smooth between the legs.
Should you display an interest in dinosaurs, monsters or comic books, The Conspiracy's overseer/dupes (often your very own parental units) move in, forcing Dream Mansions, E-Z Bake Ovens, My Little Ponies, Strawberry Shortcakes, and other Conspiracy-approved, abnormality-siphoning devices onto the young Uberfemme.
The Conspiracy owned-and-operated publishing industry works overtime churning out brain-numbing swill that propagates the idea that girls fret over silly things like prom dresses and personal relationships, while boys have all the exciting adventures.
It is also drummed into your head -- via movies, pop songs, romance novels, television, and the lesser-evolved religions -- that luv will solve all your problems. Only through luv will you find happiness and fulfillment. And in order to luv someone, you have to surrender your own interests and ambitions. Only by luving someone will you ever find happiness. Don't look for it in creativity! Don't look for it in a life of your own, for "Bob"'s sake!
Up until the 1960s, males were expected to fuck as often as possible to prove their manhood, while the females were programmed to only submit to fucking for certain reasons (i.e. marriage and/or "to make a baby"). Then, in an attempt to modernize, the Conspiracy allowed women to engage in sex as often as men, provided they never had orgasms and felt cheap afterwards. However, The Conspiracy has since reversed itself on this matter, having opted for a return to the good old-fashioned values of the Anti-Sex League.
Because They know that the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that defends the status quo! And what better way to protect itself than to turn its potential enemies into watch-dogs?
Connie is the ideal every SubGenius female should strive for -- for she is the blessed Anti-Virgin, the Uberfemme Regina! For she has both a brain and a pussy -- and she's not afraid to use `em!
This is what the Conspiracy fears, sisters! Woman casting aside the false idols of Shopping and Frigidity in favor of Slack and Ooze-Squirt!
Uberfemme arise! Snap the shackles that have kept you from realizing our true abnormality potential! You have nothing to lose but anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive over-eating!
It is not enough to simply burn your bras! Why stop there? Burn a few bridal boutiques and City Hall while you're at it!
Tear off the Barbie Doll mask they've stapled to your real face -- your yeti face. Sure, it'll hurt, and you might end up looking like Freddy Krueger with tits--but that will render you even more attractive to the throngs of waiting SubGenius Overmen eager to mate with you!
Now is your chance to table-dance in the face of The Conspiracy! Now is your chance to fire the vaginal blood fart heard round the world!