G. Gordon Gordon -- Killer for Dobbs

There are several reliable references to a written deposition by `Gordon' in which he describes his meeting with Dobbs and his conversion to the path of Slack subsequent to his failed attempts at assassination. It is Hierarchite Onan Canobite's version of the epistle that has been handed down to us.[1]

In Onan's account, Gordon had apparently been a full time mercenary, assassin, effectuator and jack of gray trades at this particular period in his life. It is generally believed that he was a military associate of D. Atman Wellwood, supposed first assassin of "Bob". Gordon first became aware of Dobbs and the Church after being hired to kill the High Epopt by a rival cult, possibly the followers of Ba'hai, although this has never been verified. If Gordon was nothing else, he was a professional. His accounts never name any names.[2]

Gordon made seven masterful, brilliant and completely foolproof attacks on J.R. "Bob" Dobbs and was thwarted each time not by Dobbs himself, but rather through remarkable sequences of strange coincidences, unlikely occurrences and anomalous events that all seemed to have occurred spontaneously and acausally for no other purpose than to save Gordon's proposed victim at the antepenultimate moment. As each subsequent act of attempted assassination grew more complicated, the improbabilities that combined to thwart Gordon began occurring in mind-boggling quantities.

Every time one of his attempts failed, Gordon went back over the mission step by step, often using the recordings from sophisticated surveillance equipment he had installed personally. With each failure and its subsequent investigation, Gordon's uneasiness grew. Things that were absolutely impossible were occurring with no apparent pattern or purpose other than to save "Bob" Dobbs from death. Not only that, but Dobbs didn't even seem to be aware of much of anything that was occurring around him, least of all Gordon's machinations.

Despite an escalating intensity in Gordon's assassination attempts, nothing seemed to work. After his seventh try was foiled by a combination of factors that involved, among other things, a meteor strike, two randomly activated car alarm systems going off simultaneously, a street riot in Rangoon, and a flock of migrant geese that flew off course and crashed into one of the primary NORAD radar antennas, Gordon realized that he was facing the opponent that he had always dreaded: a man who could not be killed, or even hurt. For a soldier who had once uttered the memorable line, "Give me the antidote or kill me," this proved to be too much.

The legend holds that even before the rubble stopped smoking, while the bodies of those unfortunates caught in the crossfire were still scattered, Gordon appeared out of the smoke and dust and walked over to Dobbs, who was sitting at the bus stop and reading his paper, unconcerned and unaware of both the attempted attack and subsequent violence.

Here Gordon surrendered both his handgun and poison capsule tooth, kneeled before J.R. Dobbs and swore his undying allegiance to the master salesman. By giving up his weapon to Dobbs, Gordon gave up his right to have control over another man's life, and with the surrender of his poison tooth he gave up his right to have control over his own death. He feared anyone he could not kill, and he could not kill Dobbs, so he served him.

He was immediately inducted into the Hierarchy of the Church, given a seat on the board of the SubGenius Foundation, made chief of all para-military Church organizations, and held ultimately responsible for the personal security of the Hierarchy.

Gordon has recounted that, although he never had to guard Dobbs personally, his security force did watch over the Hierarchy and the Church Elders while he and Dobbs often just "hung around together". It is recorded that Dobbs also arranged for Gordon's "augmentation" by Xist nano-technology, which reportedly gave the Chief Mercenary extraordinary physical and mental powers. Canobite also re-affirms the rumor that Gordon was not entirely human, but was nothing more than an unthinking flesh-robot operated by a powerful Artificial Intelligence at Dobbstown known as the Y-T Matrix.

He was sent on an enormous number of clandestine `sanctions' on behalf of the church. It must be noted that the hands of the Church Elders were far from clean, when it came to the wet work and dirty tricks that went on in the name of their `industrial religion' While G. Gordon Gordon, the Master Assassin, did the dirty work, there can be no doubt that he was almost always operating under orders from those who could manipulate conditions so that what "Bob" wanted was also profitable for them.

Gordon was also in charge of a special training camp in the jungles of South America for SLAK Squad inductees. The SLAK Squad annals were totally destroyed in the Great Cleansing, so there is no surviving proof. There are also stories about his indoctrination into an Andean cult that dealt with the mysteries of ayahuasca and manipulation of the Luck Plane. Gordon was said to be a very lucky man, and it is possible that his `augmentation' gave him greater ability to sense the contours of space-time continuum through the Y-T Matrix.[3]

It is obvious to any serious Econoclessiastic historian that Gordon and his associates used the Church as a convenient umbrella of operations -- a cover for many other questionable activities that resulted in vast personal gain for them, as well as immense wealth for the Church. A large portion of the authentic writings from that period deal with complaints and haggling over money. A Clench that operated out of the now missing Bay Area of Old California seemed particularly litigious about money matters. Despite what they proclaimed, these Prophets were more concerned with Profits than with the Profet.

While his published accounts of the early years of the Church are not as self-serving as similar recollections by other early followers of the Dobbs, it is quite obvious that Gordon's letters, memos and recorded rants leave out more than they reveal. While he and the Dobbs might indeed have cruised rural Malaysian garbage dumps to shoot rats while drinking whisky and smoking `Frop, the accompanying accounts of superhuman sexual feats performed by both he and Dobbs with ladies of questionable virtue who went along on these `hunts' are not to be taken seriously. Indeed they are so exaggerated, implausible, indeed biologically impossible, that they have often been cited as "proof" that J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, G.G. Gordon and the others were no more real than Moses, Hercules, Jesus, Stalin, Wotan or Sherlock Holmes. Many authorities believe that these stories about the Dobbs are much like those accounts of Trickster Coyote, The Merry Pranksters, or Long-Penis who conquered the three Vagina Girls and removed their teeth in a saga of domestication from the Altjeringa. On the other hand, there exist partial records bearing these names in varying forms -- powerful arguments on the side of their physical existence.