Last night, as I laid on a bed in a cheap motel room, I couldn't sleep.
In two hours I had to get up and do my JOB as a traveling computer cable
salesman, but the same question kept going through my mind again and
again: "Why haven't I been RUPTURED yet?"
I paid my thirty dollars. I've been a dues-paying, card-carrying
Subgenius for years, but here I am still stuck on Earth selling computer
cables. This cable sales gig was supposed to be SHORT-TERM. I was
supposed to be off the planet more than a YEAR ago.
Now, I'm not blaming Stang for this. I know that a lot of people have
accused Stang of all sorts of underhanded dirty tricks and swindles
because of Not-X-Day on July 5, 1998, but I'm not one of them.
I believe that if we conduct a fair and reasonable investigation, all of
the Sub-Genii can solve the mystery of why we're still on this planet,
and make someone PAY.
A good place to start the investigation is the Dobbsnote pictured at
http://www.subgenius.com/updates/X0013_LostX-DayMemo-Found.html
Stang says that this is the original document with the date and time of
the Rupture, as transcribed by J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, directly from JHVH-1.
This is the piece of paper that covers Stang's ass. (I meant
metaphorically, but look: There ARE suspicious stains.) This piece of
paper is Stang's proof that he's not to blame.
You'll recall that after the escape vessels didn't show up on X-Day,
Papa Joe Mama found mysterious alterations had been made to that
document, then it mysteriously disappeared for a while, then it
mysteriously reappeared in the possession of Stang.
Now, I'm not accusing our beloved scribe Stang of any misdeed involving
this document, but if you look at the photo of it, there are a sextuplet
of reasons to examine it further:
FIRST, it's pretty clear that there's something written on the back of
that piece of paper and Stang didn't tell us about it. Obviously, this
was just an oversight on his part, suffering as he was from the shock of
not being Ruptured, then "rediscovering" this "lost" evidence.
SECOND, I compared the handwriting on that note to some specimens of
DobbsWriting and StangWriting that I happened to have on file. Now, I'm
no handwriting expert, but it didn't look very Dobbsian, and it looked
somewhat Stangish. Check it for yourselves, SubGenii. The signatures
of Stang and Dobbs are on your church ordainment papers.
THIRD, we know Stang would never screw up, but he was the ONLY link to
Dobbs and this message. If somehow a mistake was made, he would be the
prime suspect.
FOURTH, we know Stang would never cover anything up, but suppose YOU
took lots of money from thousands of people AND promised them BIG things
AND THEN they didn't get them AND you knew that they would all be mad
AND if they found out the truth, you'd be in really DEEP SHIT.
FIFTH, we'll never find "Bob" to ask him, and even if we do, he's
probably forgotten all about it.
SIXTH, the inscription on that note is a challenge to investigators:
"PLAN: How did you find out what you want to know? What are you going
to do?"
Therefore, I am issuing this SUBpeona to Stang in a calm, reasonable
manner that only a GUILTY SLACKASS who is HIDING SOMETHING could
refuse: Why don't you post a photo or scan of the other side of that
Dobbsnote? Put it somewhere like alt.binaries.slack or
www.subgenius.com. Why not also upload some samples of DobbsWriting and
StangWriting so that ye may be judged and this matter may be properly
investigated.
We all know that Stang will give us all of the evidence that we request,
so this won't be needed, but why don't we put S.L.A.K. (the Subgenius
League of Ass-Kickers) on standby in case Stang doesn't cooperate and we
have to kick in his door (and his ass) to get the evidence we seek.
Of course, since we know that Stang is innocent of any mistake,
wrongdoing, or cover-up, this won't be necessary, but why don't we
appoint a Special Prosecutor and a Judge JUST IN CASE. I nominate Papa
Joe Mama and Legume. We all know that Legume and Papa Joe are the
leaders of the Holocaustian sect, the sworn enemies of the rival
Ivangetical sect led by Ivan Stang, but I'm sure that this wouldn't
affect their impartiality and fairness.
Since we won't need a trial, we won't need an EXECUTIONER, but I
nominate Friday Jones anyway. We wouldn't want Stang to SUFFER, so we
need a sweet merciful soul incapable of dispensing SEXHURT TORTURE
PUNISHMENT and NUBILE NUBIAN WRESTLEHURT. If you aren't already
familiar with Friday's qualifications, please examine the XX-Day report
and photos at
http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/fun/devivals/XXDAYad/X0037_XX-Day-Stang-Report2.html
Your humble servant,
Rev "Ken Starr" Techbear
Independent Counsel and Chief Inquisitor
Witch Hunts and Computer Cables at DIRT CHEAP prices!
Footnote: We might want to consider giving Jesus immunity in exchange
for testimony against Stang. If he doesn't cooperate, the question
won't be "What would Jesus do?" The questions will be "WHAT did Jesus
know and WHEN did he know it?" and "What would Jesus do if we let FRIDAY
JONES at him?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: friday@SubGenius.com (Friday Jones)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Aug 15, 1999 8:22 AM
Message-ID: <friday-ya02408000R1508990822020001@news.tiac.net>
In article <37B67A4C.B37D48B6@altinet.net>, Jerry Oakley
<cables@altinet.net> wrote:
> Since we won't need a trial, we won't need an EXECUTIONER, but I
> nominate Friday Jones anyway. We wouldn't want Stang to SUFFER, so we
> need a sweet merciful soul incapable of dispensing SEXHURT TORTURE
> PUNISHMENT and NUBILE NUBIAN WRESTLEHURT. If you aren't already
> familiar with Friday's qualifications, please examine the XX-Day report
> and photos at
>
http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/fun/devivals/XXDAYad/X0037_XX-Day-Stang-Rep
ort2.html
Aw fuck. NO NO NO NO NO!
We've already DONE the trial scene, it's over and done with. Repeating it
would just be LAME. Even the Head has been destroyed, the many-launched
head; now is the face of the Church that changes over and over and never
makes the same expression twice.
NO MORE REPEATS! NO MORE RERUNS!
Besides, Papa Joe clearly explained at the Boston Debacle '99 that we
should not trust Conspiracy calendars to tell us when July 5, 1998 is! The
date is true, we just have to find out its correspondence to Human times.
Hell, I'm too LAZY to do any more punishment scenes. I just want to SLACK
OFF at XXX-Day, preferably with company.
- Friday
--
"I have nothing to fear
Fear is death
Death is for humans
Dobbs conquers all."
- Father Joe Mama
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: decadence@subgenius.com (Sister Decadence)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Aug 15, 1999 10:27 AM
Message-ID: <37b6dc1a.4651578@news>
On Sun, 15 Aug 1999 03:29:00 -0500, Jerry Oakley <cables@altinet.net>
wrote:
>Last night, as I laid on a bed in a cheap motel room, I couldn't sleep.
>In two hours I had to get up and do my JOB as a traveling computer cable
>salesman, but the same question kept going through my mind again and
>again: "Why haven't I been RUPTURED yet?"
>
>I paid my thirty dollars. I've been a dues-paying, card-carrying
>Subgenius for years, but here I am still stuck on Earth selling computer
>cables. This cable sales gig was supposed to be SHORT-TERM. I was
>supposed to be off the planet more than a YEAR ago.
>
>Now, I'm not blaming Stang for this. I know that a lot of people have
>accused Stang of all sorts of underhanded dirty tricks and swindles
>because of Not-X-Day on July 5, 1998, but I'm not one of them.
>
>I believe that if we conduct a fair and reasonable investigation, all of
>the Sub-Genii can solve the mystery of why we're still on this planet,
>and make someone PAY.
>
>A good place to start the investigation is the Dobbsnote pictured at
>http://www.subgenius.com/updates/X0013_LostX-DayMemo-Found.html
>
>Stang says that this is the original document with the date and time of
>the Rupture, as transcribed by J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, directly from JHVH-1.
>This is the piece of paper that covers Stang's ass. (I meant
>metaphorically, but look: There ARE suspicious stains.) This piece of
>paper is Stang's proof that he's not to blame.
>
>You'll recall that after the escape vessels didn't show up on X-Day,
>Papa Joe Mama found mysterious alterations had been made to that
>document, then it mysteriously disappeared for a while, then it
>mysteriously reappeared in the possession of Stang.
>
>Now, I'm not accusing our beloved scribe Stang of any misdeed involving
>this document, but if you look at the photo of it, there are a sextuplet
>of reasons to examine it further:
>
>FIRST, it's pretty clear that there's something written on the back of
>that piece of paper and Stang didn't tell us about it. Obviously, this
>was just an oversight on his part, suffering as he was from the shock of
>not being Ruptured, then "rediscovering" this "lost" evidence.
>
>SECOND, I compared the handwriting on that note to some specimens of
>DobbsWriting and StangWriting that I happened to have on file. Now, I'm
>no handwriting expert, but it didn't look very Dobbsian, and it looked
>somewhat Stangish. Check it for yourselves, SubGenii. The signatures
>of Stang and Dobbs are on your church ordainment papers.
>
>THIRD, we know Stang would never screw up, but he was the ONLY link to
>Dobbs and this message. If somehow a mistake was made, he would be the
>prime suspect.
>
>FOURTH, we know Stang would never cover anything up, but suppose YOU
>took lots of money from thousands of people AND promised them BIG things
>AND THEN they didn't get them AND you knew that they would all be mad
>AND if they found out the truth, you'd be in really DEEP SHIT.
All we were promised was "Eternal Salvation or triple or money
back". I'm not dead or gone yet so I have no idea if I get Eternal
Salvation or not. When I find out, and IF I DON'T, THEn, and only
then, Stang will pay.
XXX-Day: Get fucked, or get off!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: kris_tesseract@sexzilla.not (Kris Tesseract)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Aug 15, 1999 6:49 PM
Message-ID: <37c534d9.94449559@newsfeed.sexzilla.net>
In alt.slack Jerry Oakley wrote:
} You'll recall that after the escape vessels didn't show up on X-Day,
Sorry, but I don't recall that not happening at all.
--
The kiss of death, the squid's embrace,
The purient ape's defiling touch.
And do you like the human race?
No, not much.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: NotR@bestweb.net (Glenn Knickerbocker)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Aug 16, 1999 7:00 AM
Message-ID: <37b7fc1f.64498160@nntp.bestweb.net>
On Sun, 15 Aug 1999 23:49:11 GMT, kris_tesseract@sexzilla.not (Kris
Tesseract) wrote:
>In alt.slack Jerry Oakley wrote:
>
>} You'll recall that after the escape vessels didn't show up on X-Day,
>
>Sorry, but I don't recall that not happening at all.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You're not supposed to tell the stupider people . . .
!R http://members.aol.com/notr/dreams.poems.html
"They must be mad. They sing choruses in public!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: ren <ren1999@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Aug 17, 1999 10:34 AM
Message-ID: <7pbvdk$4fm$1@nnrp1.deja.com>
Jerry Oakley <cables@altinet.net> wrote:
> Last night, as I laid on a bed in a cheap motel room, I couldn't
> sleep. In two hours I had to get up and do my JOB as a traveling
> computer cable salesman, but the same question kept going through my
> mind again and again: "Why haven't I been RUPTURED yet?"
Dear Jerry,
I quit my job years ago. My android does all the busy work in my place.
You see, I have been ruptured. I am off-world right now laughing at you
because you slacked-off and missed your flight.
> I paid my thirty dollars. I've been a dues-paying, card-carrying
> Subgenius for years, but here I am still stuck on Earth selling
> computer cables. This cable sales gig was supposed to be SHORT-TERM.
> I was supposed to be off the planet more than a YEAR ago.
Well, that's why! I never paid my thirty dollars. I have my robot
programmed full of excuses as to why he doesn't have the cash right now.
You mispelt SubGenius.
> Stang says that this is the original document with the date and time
> of the Rupture, as transcribed by J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, directly from
> JHVH-1.
That document is false. My father died over the skies of Mother Earth
defending us from the X-Ist probe.
> FOURTH, we know Stang would never cover anything up, but suppose YOU
> took lots of money from thousands of people AND promised them BIG
> things
I have. Like father like son.
~Jon "BoB" J.R.
--
http://members.tripod.com/ren1999 <-- magiFAQ
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: NedWreck <nedwreck@BellSouth.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: NedREMOVEWreck@BellSouth.net
Date: Tue, Aug 17, 1999 9:27 PM
Message-ID: <37BA1A22.FFCC0840@BellSouth.net>
Friday Jones wrote:
> In article <37B67A4C.B37D48B6@altinet.net>, Jerry Oakley
> <cables@altinet.net> wrote:
>
> > Since we won't need a trial, we won't need an EXECUTIONER, but I
> > nominate Friday Jones anyway. We wouldn't want Stang to SUFFER, so we
> > need a sweet merciful soul incapable of dispensing SEXHURT TORTURE
> > PUNISHMENT and NUBILE NUBIAN WRESTLEHURT. If you aren't already
> > familiar with Friday's qualifications, please examine the XX-Day report
> > and photos at
> >
> http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/fun/devivals/XXDAYad/X0037_XX-Day-Stang-Rep
> ort2.html
>
> Aw fuck. NO NO NO NO NO!
> We've already DONE the trial scene, it's over and done with. Repeating it
> would just be LAME. Even the Head has been destroyed, the many-launched
> head; now is the face of the Church that changes over and over and never
> makes the same expression twice.
> NO MORE REPEATS! NO MORE RERUNS!
> Besides, Papa Joe clearly explained at the Boston Debacle '99 that we
> should not trust Conspiracy calendars to tell us when July 5, 1998 is! The
> date is true, we just have to find out its correspondence to Human times.
> Hell, I'm too LAZY to do any more punishment scenes. I just want to SLACK
> OFF at XXX-Day, preferably with company.
>
> - Friday
>
> --
> "I have nothing to fear
> Fear is death
> Death is for humans
> Dobbs conquers all."
> - Father Joe Mama
And as I have posited, since we do not now know when X-day is, then every day
can be X-day.
Ned
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Aug 26, 1999 2:49 AM
Message-ID: <260819990249171767%stang@subgenius.com>
In article <37B67A4C.B37D48B6@altinet.net>, Jerry Oakley
<cables@altinet.net> wrote:
>
> You'll recall that after the escape vessels didn't show up on X-Day,
> Papa Joe Mama found mysterious alterations had been made to that
> document, then it mysteriously disappeared for a while, then it
> mysteriously reappeared in the possession of Stang.
>
> Now, I'm not accusing our beloved scribe Stang of any misdeed involving
> this document, but if you look at the photo of it, there are a sextuplet
> of reasons to examine it further:
>
> FIRST, it's pretty clear that there's something written on the back of
> that piece of paper and Stang didn't tell us about it. Obviously, this
> was just an oversight on his part, suffering as he was from the shock of
> not being Ruptured, then "rediscovering" this "lost" evidence.
AWRIGHT ALREADY!!! I posted it on alt.binaries.slack, along with this
note:
Back-of-1998-Memo-Prophecy.jpg
I SAW THAT POST on alt.slack where some yo-yo was insisting that I post
a scan of the BACK SIDE of "Bob" Dobbs' famous "1998 Prophecy Memo",
the one with the 1998 appearing to have once been turned upside down to
read 8661.
Well, get out your microscopes and chromatoscopes, 'cause here it is.
Examine it to your heart's contents. If you can figure out what the
hell ANY of it means, MORE POWER TO YOU! But I CHALLENGE THE EARTH
FOOLS to find ANYTHING on this document to suggest that it's not the
original 1953 Dobbs scrawling. I imagine you people will go apeshit
when you see the cryptic phrase, "Magic Time Machine".
The point is, WE'LL NEVER KNOW! Maybe Dobbs MEANT 1998 and accidentally
wrote it upside down, then went back and corrected it. Maybe Dobbs
meant 8661 and somebody along the chain did that careful surgery on the
note to make it appear to say 1998, god only knows why. WE JUST DON'T
KNOW.
It's a moot point, in view of the newly unearthed Year 2000 XXX-Day
Squirt scrolls, as recently unveiled at
http://www.unknown.com/sarcophagi/mystery-trance/scrunt.html
You a sample of MY handwriting, to make sure *I* didn't write the
Sacred Memo?? FINE. When you send me a nice fat check, I'll be glad to
endorse the back of it with my autograph.
Faithless generation. They demand a miracle. Things haven't changed
since Noah's time.
If I was trying to HIDE something, why the hell would I have been
passing out EXPENSIVE XEROX BLOW-UPS of the SACRED MEMO at X-Day? EVERY
SINGLE ONE of which disappeared, incidentally, as did the Memo itself,
for a little while. During the Sunday morning post-nonRupture-clean-up,
Rev. Bob Biliki approached me, brandishing The Original Memo and
claiming that, since he'd found it on the ground, it was his. I tricked
him into giving it back to me (there are surely witnesses to this), and
tucked it away in a "SAFE PLACE", which I promptly FORGOT. Almost a
year later, I stumbled upon it in a file-box marked, by me, "X-DAY
MEMORABILIA". It is now hanging on my office wall, framed in Scotch
brand Magic Tape(TM). We will soon display it permanently in The Dobbs
Museum in Cleveland. The Smithsonian gets it from 2005 to 2007. (THE
DUMBASSES! AS IF SUCH YEARS COULD EVER POSSIBLY EXIST!!!)
>
> SECOND, I compared the handwriting on that note to some specimens of
> DobbsWriting and StangWriting that I happened to have on file. Now, I'm
> no handwriting expert, but it didn't look very Dobbsian, and it looked
> somewhat Stangish. Check it for yourselves, SubGenii. The signatures
> of Stang and Dobbs are on your church ordainment papers.
As you said, you're no handwriting expert. Call in a handwriting
expert. I think Rev. Nickie Deathchick knows one, in fact.
>
> THIRD, we know Stang would never screw up, but he was the ONLY link to
> Dobbs and this message. If somehow a mistake was made, he would be the
> prime suspect.
ONLY link?? What about CONNIE? PHILO? What about the BARTENDER? What
about the nameless BIMBO he was probably trying to PICK UP when he
wrote that? The Build-It-Yourself Tele-Vision kit manufacturer?? What
about 400 Dobbsdrones, zombots, wanna-bes and pimpletons? HELL, if it's
a FAKE, any one of HUNDREDS of people could have done it. Of COURSE I
could have faked it.
But... you realize, you're calling something in The Church of the
SubGenius, a... a FAKE????
>
> FOURTH, we know Stang would never cover anything up, but suppose YOU
> took lots of money from thousands of people AND promised them BIG things
> AND THEN they didn't get them AND you knew that they would all be mad
> AND if they found out the truth, you'd be in really DEEP SHIT.
Well? I was knee deep in literal shit for about half an hour. That
seemed to satisfy them, for a year, and by then, scapegoat attention
had been diverted to Papa Joe Mama.
>
> FIFTH, we'll never find "Bob" to ask him, and even if we do, he's
> probably forgotten all about it.
Oh, GO AHEAD!!! SEEK "BOB" OUT!!! GET REAL *CLOSE* TO HIM!!! LEARN FOR
ONCE AND FOR ALL HOW HE GETS ALL THAT INFINITE SLACK!!
>
> SIXTH, the inscription on that note is a challenge to investigators:
> "PLAN: How did you find out what you want to know? What are you going
> to do?"
!!!! So THAT'S what it says!!!
Now THAT could be SERIOUS. What could it mean? How can we find out?
What are we going to do?
WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?
I feel like I should ask Little Fyodor!
***
P.S. I changed my mind. I will post those handwriting samples.
>
> Therefore, I am issuing this SUBpeona to Stang in a calm, reasonable
> manner that only a GUILTY SLACKASS who is HIDING SOMETHING could
> refuse: Why don't you post a photo or scan of the other side of that
> Dobbsnote? Put it somewhere like alt.binaries.slack or
> www.subgenius.com. Why not also upload some samples of DobbsWriting and
> StangWriting so that ye may be judged and this matter may be properly
> investigated.
>
>
> Since we won't need a trial, we won't need an EXECUTIONER, but I
> nominate Friday Jones anyway. We wouldn't want Stang to SUFFER, so we
> need a sweet merciful soul incapable of dispensing SEXHURT TORTURE
> PUNISHMENT and NUBILE NUBIAN WRESTLEHURT. If you aren't already
> familiar with Friday's qualifications, please examine the XX-Day report
> and photos at
>
> http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/fun/devivals/XXDAYad/X0037_XX-Day-Stang-Repor
> t2.html
>
--
Copyright 1999 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack
"Ignoring the shit in this church is like ignoring the sea
when you're stuck on Gilligan's Island."
-- Dr. K. "Cortez" Legume
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: To Stang and alt.slack: SUBpeona for X Day Dobbsnote
From: onan@subgenius.com (Onan Canobite)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: box2321@box2321.com
Date: Thu, Aug 26, 1999 11:55 AM
Message-ID: <slrn7sas6j.rug.onan@shell2.aracnet.com>
Rev. Ivan Stang <stang@subgenius.com>:
>Oh, GO AHEAD!!! SEEK "BOB" OUT!!! GET REAL *CLOSE* TO HIM!!! LEARN FOR
>ONCE AND FOR ALL HOW HE GETS ALL THAT INFINITE SLACK!!
The next issue of "LEMURIA ARISEN" (newsletter of the Lemurian SubGenii)
will contain a full account of the fates that befell those closest to
Dobbs when he appeared live and in person in Lost Portlantis. Although
this is the only time he didn't get popped in Church history, the rest
of us didn't do so well afterwards.
Previous issues available for love donation and/or SASE to...
Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite
Box 2321
Portland OR 97208 USA
- O.
--
Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com> http://www.subgenius.com/
Call Onan's Voice Mail Toll-Free 1-877-324-6289 (member 503-900-122)
Send $30 unto The SubGenius Foundation Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 USA
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