Something Terrible Must Be About to Happen
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 14:47:44 -0400
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I just got back from my first visit to the print shop in YEARS.
Walked there. Spent $140. Walked back with a ton of new stuff on my
back. A self-inking rubber-stamp that says SubGenius Foundation, PO Box
181417, Cleveland Hts OH 44118, instead of STANG at that place like my
old one. A bottle of rubber cement, a bottle of white-out, and an
exacto knife, for the small address corrections I need to do to paper
masters.
100 DOBBSHEADS on card stock, with the new address in teeny print, a
less obtrusive Registered Trademark mark, and generally a more TRUE
look, as these are printed from an electronic scan of a SECOND
generation Dobbshead. (Most Dobbsheads you see are roughly 10th
generation).
100 AD SHEET #1 in sticker paper, scanned from a 1980 original, but
with the new address... same with Ad SHEET #2.
Both of those aforementioned can be downloaded from alt.binaries.slack,
incidentally. I posted the printing masters last night. 4 mb Photoshop
docs, 600 dbi, as good as your printer is.
100 "Connie Rants" by Magdalen which I'm adding to the membership pack
(now that she's not the one making them anymore!)
Completely revised "PRICE LIST OF THE GODS," a one-sheet version of our
catalog, sans pictures.
Get this -- the previous version, done by Jesus a year ago, said
"UPDATED 10-25-03" and that was the file-save date too. My new version,
by CHANCE ALONE, happened to be modified 10-26-04.
And the "New Member Intro Letter" from me, which now explains the
LATEST sudden move of the Church office, and that I am now keeping it
with me so it won't move around so much (I have a 5-year Plan for
Cleveland and then a 100-year Plan for Texas again after that). The
letter used to say that Jesus and Magdalen had to flee Dallas to Austin
because Dallas had begun to spread EVILE, but now it says they had to
leave TEXAS ENTIRELY because Dallas swallowed up even Austin -- which
is quite true, in a way. Austin now looks like Dallas used to, and
Dallas looks like Bladerunner L.A..
I, on the other hand, live in HEAVEN. I was just thinking that very
thought, while walking back through my almost frighteningly pleasant
neighborhood from the Office Max, where, much to my surprise, the
printing was NOT an ordeal but a delight, the help was FRIENDLY, and
cute-LOOKING, and had heard of "Bob" already, so didn't treat me like a
nut, like they usually do at a new print shop when they look over these
slogans and UFO pictures. No shit, I was really dreading this part. I
don't mind the paste-up and physical prepping of the stuff to print...
part paper and glue, part InDesign and Photshop... I actually get SLACK
from that sort of thing... but dealing with the drones that are
employed at most print shops has never been much fun.
THIS TIME IT WAS!! Which is REALLY good news to me, since this Office
Max is within walking distance, clustered with the P.O. and my bank and
Walmart and grocery store and Radio Shack, and Borders, and in theory I
will be bringing them shitloads of business every month or so for many
years.
And I WILL! They did a GREAT JOB! The Dobbsheads and ad sheets and
stuff I just got printed has not looked so good in a DECADE. The blacks
are ACTUALLY BLACK! The fine detail doesn't get all GUMMED OUT! They
were computer literate, and were able to print from the disk of
photoshop docs I handed them. When I asked if the sticker-backed and
cardstock pieces would be cheaper if I first BOUGHT THE PAPER and then
HANDED IT TO THEM TO PRINT ON, they said YES, and it was a LOT cheaper.
($40 instead of $60 for a hundred.)
So I am THRILLED, because our Membership Packs look better than they
EVER have (and they have more stuff; I added a Dobbshead STICKER as
well as the bumper sticker and pin to all the paper and card stuff),
and I have established new PLEASANT, EASY, EFFECTIVE, CHEAP supplier
relations, and, by Gobbs, I am now gonna assemble the FIRST TEN of the
COMPLETE STANGIAN ORTHODOX MEMBERSHIP PACKS and MAIL THEM ALL OUT
because, Gobbs By, we got THAT MANY NEW MEMBERS just since I switched
the fucking order form away from cafepress and over to BULLDADA TIME
CONTROL, last Friday. RECORD SOUL-SAVING!! And it pays for what I just
spent, PRAISE "BOB."
So, once I mail those packs, and those 15 black Dobbshead shirts to
Finland, almost forgot... I can work on those new Hours of Slack!
Oh yeah, but, first I have to deal with the latest spate of
subgenius.com email system changes. I sent another mass email about it,
and this time a lot more people responded, half wanting to keep the
subgenius.com address even though it meant using a second account, with
me having all the keys to it, and half saying, "Huh? You mean I've had
a subgenius.com mail address all these years and I didn't even USE
it??"
Anyway... it is fucking HEAVEN. My business is picking up, the end of
the End of Austin Office crisis adjustments is in sight, my house is
all cleaned up and nice because my Dad was visiting, the weather is
GREAT, I am the consort to an actual real-life Space Princess, who
LIKES to sit around and do "Bob" shit with me, I'm not broke, we have
two working cars all our own plus somebody else's for a spare, the work
on my house that the city demanded is FINISHED and PAID FOR, there's a
TON of new LeMur audio collages and other things from a.b.s. to
assemble shows with, not counting my last 3 or 4 sermon gigs that I
haven't scavenged yet, or Susie's shows or Wellman Howll and Philo's
shows... I have enough pills and painkillers stocked up for the
EuroDevivals trips next month that it won't bother me to be around
heavy drinkers constantly without drinking myself, which is not fun
unless you have something that helps make you as stupid as the
drinkers, BESIDES marijuana I mean.
SO FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!!
And I even have a BEAD on a cheap decent used Mac computer for NENSLO.
The late Rev. Steve Chekey's estate sale was last weekend and that's
what Wei and I did all last Saturday. There's a whole nother story in
that, and a hundred pictures, because Rev. Steve Chekey had the biggest
house and yard and the biggest collection of the most kinds of weird
shit of ANY SubGenius that I know. Our friends and a lot of Pinks spent
the afternoon getting cool furniture and gizmos for next to nothing,
but Wei and I -- Wei and I rooted through the piles of Steve's "TRASH"
that the auction people had thrown in dumpsters or strewn across his
yard in plastic bags, or left under piles of clothes in rooms of the
house.
We found his videotapes, his slides, his photos, some unsent letters to
friends, his CDRs, his audio recordings. (I even found a whole bunch of
tapes and CDs that I had given him or sold him!) All that shit was
about to be ruined -- quite literally, as it had started RAINING on
everything about the time we felt finished with our rooting. We think
we found all Steve's videos of all the ACE and SubGenius (and Crash
Worship and Cleveland Performance Art Fest) events of the last 14
years. Talk about your fucking miracles. Wei likes to think that
Steve's spirit directed us to find his MOST valuable stuff, but I like
to think we just used plain common sense and BOTHERED TO EVEN LOOK,
which no one else had done. Steve was in the Skeptic's Club, so his
ghost probably agrees with me that there's no life after death except
what you leave behind for your buddies. Personally I do not believe in
ghosts, possibly because I am sure I would be AFRAID of ghosts if any
ever came around.
Steve left his best stuff RIGHT WHERE *WE* HIS FELLOW SUBGENII WOULD
FIND IT!! In the TRASH.
I would much rather it still be lost, and Steve be around, but hey.
Fair is where you take your pig. Today I feel like my pig won a prize
for a change!
I should write a letter to Office Max HQ and the local bossman to
commend that girl on her EXCELLENT management of the Office Max
printing department.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot... last thing I did was hit the P.O. for
stamps and to check my snares, and there was NO LINE!! NOT ONE OTHER
CUSTOMER!! Normally I can read a whole Onion when I have to stand in
that line. And all the employees were new. The one I bought stamps from
saw my check and asked me what SubGenius Foundation was, first telling
me that she once knew a guy who was a real genius. I said "No, this is
SUB-genius," and explained the "why aren't we rich yet" Drummondian
origins of the word briefly, and said it was a club for anybody who
DIDN'T claim to be a genius. (My standard way of making a long story
short with nice Christin clerks I don't want to offend.) She mentioned
Mensa, which is the club for real geniuses. I said, "Well, those are
the people who are good at passing GENIUS TESTS. You know how there's
different kinds of intelligence... somebody might be very book-smart,
but then there's COMMON SENSE." "Oh yes," she said, "This genius I
knew, he didn't have much common sense." I could then have gone on
about how, in my club, there are some people who have NO kind of sense
AT ALL, book, common or otherwise, but she and I were merciful to one
another and just wished each other good day.
AHA!!! I procrastinated for half an hour and now the doorbell's ringing!
Just some poor bastard wanting to rake leaves. Well, they ain't all
fallen yet. He really tried to talk me into it but my tree is still
FULL of fucking YELLOW LEAVES and I'm a CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER and told him
so, only politely.
I was hoping it would be those BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUSes I ordered! Then
I can put THEM back in MY catalog!
ALL MIDDLEMEN MUST DIE!!! THE CASH MUST FLOW!! KREEEEGAH!!
BUN-DOLO!
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
Correspondent:: IMBJR
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 21:10:00 +0100
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On Wed, 27 Oct 2004 14:47:44 -0400, in reply to "Rev. Ivan Stang"
:
>part paper and glue, part InDesign and Photshop... I actually get SLACK
>from that sort of thing... but dealing with the drones that are
>employed at most print shops has never been much fun.
I had recent cause to step into a printshop and was somewhat aghast
that they didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned colour
profiles so that any future business I do with them can be softproofed
better.
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 17:04:35 -0400
--------
In article , IMBJR
wrote:
> On Wed, 27 Oct 2004 14:47:44 -0400, in reply to "Rev. Ivan Stang"
> :
>
> >part paper and glue, part InDesign and Photshop... I actually get SLACK
> >from that sort of thing... but dealing with the drones that are
> >employed at most print shops has never been much fun.
>
> I had recent cause to step into a printshop and was somewhat aghast
> that they didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned colour
> profiles so that any future business I do with them can be softproofed
> better.
>
Of COURSE they don't know what you're talking about, if you said "color
profiles" the same crazy way you Englishmen SPELL it. "I say, my good
chap, what COE-LAHWER profile shall we use?" Why can't the English
learn to speak?
It's pronounced "cuh-lurr." "Cuh Lurr Purr-aow Fahlz". Not "Coe-Lawer
Pdoe-fi-els." You don't want to sound like one of those sissies, now do
you.
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
Correspondent:: IMBJR
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 22:34:36 +0100
--------
On Wed, 27 Oct 2004 17:04:35 -0400, in reply to "Rev. Ivan Stang"
:
>In article , IMBJR
> wrote:
>
>> On Wed, 27 Oct 2004 14:47:44 -0400, in reply to "Rev. Ivan Stang"
>> :
>>
>> >part paper and glue, part InDesign and Photshop... I actually get SLACK
>> >from that sort of thing... but dealing with the drones that are
>> >employed at most print shops has never been much fun.
>>
>> I had recent cause to step into a printshop and was somewhat aghast
>> that they didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned colour
>> profiles so that any future business I do with them can be softproofed
>> better.
>>
>
>Of COURSE they don't know what you're talking about, if you said "color
>profiles" the same crazy way you Englishmen SPELL it. "I say, my good
>chap, what COE-LAHWER profile shall we use?" Why can't the English
>learn to speak?
>
>It's pronounced "cuh-lurr." "Cuh Lurr Purr-aow Fahlz". Not "Coe-Lawer
>Pdoe-fi-els." You don't want to sound like one of those sissies, now do
>you.
Ya missed a question mark out there. Put on this pointy hat.
Correspondent:: simon
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 00:23:17 +0100
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In message <271020041704359413%stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>, Rev. Ivan
Stang writes
>Of COURSE they don't know what you're talking about, if you said "color
>profiles" the same crazy way you Englishmen SPELL it. "I say, my good
>chap, what COE-LAHWER profile shall we use?" Why can't the English
>learn to speak?
1066. It was the frogs wot did it. Not our fault at all.
--
Rev. Simian