Correspondent:: "William L. Houts" Date: Fri, 5 Nov 2004 23:17:13 -0800
--------
Jesus sat in his black leather swivel chair, scanning the screens and
databanks of the vast Messiahlink neuroputer. His lower back throbbed from
certain ancient injuries, and he scowled at what he saw. The Hellpuppet
named George W. Bush had succeeded in stealing the American election for the
second time.
"This looks like a job for.the Nazarene!" he exclaimed.
Stripping off his humble linen robe, Jesus revealed a powerful physique
craved by women and men the world over. His Spandex crotch bulged
shockingly, and His muscles flexed through the skintight flexsuit. His
purple cape waved in the whirlwind which had mysteriously risen in the vast
and secret Christoplex, his base on the dark side of the Moon.
Jesus could have teleported if he chose, but he much preferred to drive
his purple Lamborghini through the bottomless Void. He cranked up the
Beastie Boys and flashed through shallow space. Soon, he was in Washington
DC. He parked at the Washington Monument, America's national beacon of
cosmic power. Then, crouching down to his purple boots, he sprang into the
air.
Soaring over the embattled capital, Jesus scanned the ground. Thousands
of Americans wept and raged about the cheating neofascist Republicans.
"I've got to stop the banal and evil Georgeobot," he said. "But these
people are in trouble!"
He landed in the middle of a frenzied mob.
"Look!" someone said. "It's Jesus Christ!"
"Kill him, Jesus!" they cried, and "Send him straight to Hell!"
"Well," said Jesus mildly, "I do love George. But I am going to fuck
him up for you. Because he is ruining God's favorite country and because he
's a lying Nazi motherfucker."
"Yay, Jesus!" they cried. "Fuck him with your holy might!"
Jesus waved gently and sprang into the sultry Washington air, refreshed.
He dug these little sessions with plain folks.
"Nexst stop, the White House!" he said.
Landing on the front lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Jesus strode to
the front door. It was guarded by an incredibly cute Marine. He had a blond
crew cut, luminous green eyes and dimples. Jesus just loved dimples.
"Where do you think you're going?" the Marine barked.
"To see the President, asshole!" said Jesus.
"I can't let you do that," said the Marine. "The White House is off
limits. Crazy people want to kill the President."
"I'd like to kill him too," Jesus said. "He'd probably learn something.
But I'm just going to fuck him up a little."
"Okay asshole," snapped the Marine, who was not accustomed to being
called an asshole himself. "I'm taking you down!"
He lunged at Jesus with his heavily muscled frame. Jesus grappled with
him and finally drove his tongue deep into the Marine's red mouth. The
soldier swooned in ecstasy and felll to the ground trembling.
Jesus stepped over the enraptured body and pressed into the White
House. He strode straight to the Oval Office.
What he found there was the culmination of a dark ritual.
Dick Cheney stood on the President's desk. He was dressed in a black
Supreme Court robe, and read from a well-thumbed copy of the Necronomicon.
O octopoidal demon from the dawning of time!" he intoned. "Hear the
baleful boogie of my summoning rhyme!"
"Stop that!" commanded Jesus. "Those rites are bad for everyone and
are forbidden!"
His voice was like thunder and his purple cape waved in an
extradimensional wind.
The diabolical Vice-President only laughed. .
"Too late, Jesus!" he sneered. "I have just completed the Invocation of
the Elder Gods! They will inhabit the bodies of the Supreme Court
justices! And dread Cthulhu himself will possess the President!"
"You mean Bush is not evil enough?" said the Messiah, genuinely
perplexed.
"Oh he's evil enough," said the Vice-President, whose head now burned
just like his Uncle, Dread Dormmamu. "But he's a dumbfuck. Well, that's a
lie, he's cunning as a snake. But with Cthulhu, his banality will reach to
the stars! Muhahahaha!"
Jesus was vexed.
"I could bust his balls right now," he said. "But things must be done
in the right way. And this calls for the feminine wiles of Divine consort
and superheroine.Connie Dobbs!"
Taking his Godnet phone from his utility belt, Jesus flipped it
open and spoke.
"Connie!" he said. "This is Jesus Christ! I need your help!"
Fice-President Cheney was mad with derision.
"No galactic cunt is going to spoil my plans!" he spat. "You're
through, Jesus!"
He lunged at the Nazarene and grabbed for his neck. Jesus ducked and
butted him with his head. Cheney flew across the room and hit the wall.
But the Vice-President was juiced with recent surges of occult force. He
rose to his feet and sprang at the Nazarene. Jesus delivered a Kabbalistic
karate chop to Cheney's nose, which spouted blood and fire.
"I'll tear you a new one," snarled the dark politician. "You may be the
Son of God, but you're no match for the Republican Party!"
Taking a device of non-Euclidean geometry from his own utility belt,
Cheney pointed the thing at jesus.
"Die, Messiah!" he screamed. "Bear the full cynical force of the Gun of
Nyarlathotep!"
A shit-colored ray shot from the black device. It struck the Super
Savior and sent him flying.
Cynicism is hard to bear, even for Jesus. It's the force of betrayal
focused into a pulverizing beam. He had faced it before and returned even
stronger than before. But that had taken three days. He needed strength
now.
"Connie!" he gasped. "Help me!"
"Ha!" said Cheney. "That bitch can't help you! We're going to nail you
up on the Mall, Jesus! Christianoid sentimentality will wash over the
Administration like an empowering flood. Meanwhile, the true Christ will be
crucified again, and the corruption of America will be complete!"
"There should be a Nobel Prize for malevolence," Jesus gasped.
Then a goddess crashed through the ceiling of the Oval Office. She wore
a white miniskirt and gogo boots. Her long golden hair, like the cape of
Jesus, blew in an extradimensional wind.
"Not so fast, asshole!" she declared. "Noone fucks with
righteousness while I'm around!"
Her soft brown eyes sparkled gaily. Her full breasts swelled like a
mother's pride, and her full mouth suggested non-Euclidean erotic
pleasures. She glowed with sex and power and decency.
It was too much for Cheney to bear. He sank to his knobbly knees,
slobbering. The Gun of Nyarlathotep fell from his grasp.
"Oh please!" he begged. "I want to have some!"
He was a pathetic slime, but Connie is merciful.
"Which do you want?" she purred. "Sex or power or decency?"
Like the felled Marine, the Vice-President was
enraptured.
"Just give it to me!" he begged.
"I'll give it to you, baby," she said, and, unbuckling his pants,
straddled him.
Cheney bucked and grunted for a few seconds, then screamed in a terrible
ecstasy. With his orgasm came a sublime heart attack. He died in a rictus
of joy and pain, torn apart by Heaven and Hell.
Connie stood up.
"Wow, Jesus," she said. "You look like you could use a date, too."
She helped the Nazarene to his feet.
"You said it, sister!" he said. "Let's go fuck some Marines."
"You're on!" Connie laughed. "Shall we fly or teleport?"
"Let's take my car," Jesus said. "I'm parked by the Washington
Monument."
"Can we make out?" Connie said. "I always liked Jewish guys."
"You bet," said Jesus, and kissed her on the place where her jaw met her
ear.
Connie giggled.
"You sho got it goin on, Mistuh Jesus!" she said.
"Yup," Jesus said. "That's why I'm the Son of God."
"What about Georgie boy?" Connie asked.
"He'll keep for another day," Jesus said. "Let's get some sushi first."
"Then we'll fuck us some Marines," Connie drawled.
They joined hands and walked from the White House in splendor.
The End
Correspondent:: hexanthic@techemail.com (Den Mu)
Date: 16 Nov 2004 15:58:00 -0800
--------
Jesus died a long time ago.
Connie is still alive and always will be.
Jesus is too far from you to reach him anytime soon.
Connie's sex life is only known by Bob and the giggling make-up ladies
and gay hairdressers from TV talkshows.
Correspondent:: kdetal@aol.com (kdetal)
Date: 17 Nov 2004 00:31:35 GMT
--------
Den Mu wrote:
>Jesus died a long time ago.
> Connie is still alive and always will be.
> Jesus is too far from you to reach him anytime soon.
That's not true. He's was great lay.
--
"It is the human situation that is basically tragic. Right and Left
revolutionaries cannot alter this basic dilemma....the most radical Left-wing
group has no program to overcome death. The entire Right-Left establishment is
still death oriented."
Correspondent:: "William L. Houts" Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 19:48:44 -0800
--------
"Den Mu" wrote in message
news:426f26af.0411161558.17412fa8@posting.google.com...
> Jesus died a long time ago.
> Connie is still alive and always will be.
> Jesus is too far from you to reach him anytime soon.
How disappointing. Somehow, I never expected a Subgenius to be a fanatical
dogmatist. I never expected a Subgenius to say, "My religion is the True
Faith, yours is hooey". Clearly, I was naive. It's the same racket
everywhere, isn't it, bunky? What you are, my dear, is a pink in Sub
clothing.
Correspondent:: purple Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 12:27:10 -0500
--------
On 11/16/04 6:58 PM, in article
426f26af.0411161558.17412fa8@posting.google.com, "Den Mu"
wrote:
> Jesus died a long time ago.
> Connie is still alive and always will be.
> Jesus is too far from you to reach him anytime soon.
>
>
> Connie's sex life is only known by Bob and the giggling make-up ladies
> and gay hairdressers from TV talkshows.
Yes and no.
The Great Bob Dobbs
Correspondent:: discordian99@yahoo.com (Rev. Glandgland)
Date: 17 Nov 2004 04:59:28 -0800
--------
How gay.
"William L. Houts" wrote in message news:<1099727230.187818@yasure>...
> Jesus sat in his black leather swivel chair, scanning the screens and
> databanks of the vast Messiahlink neuroputer. His lower back throbbed from
> certain ancient injuries, and he scowled at what he saw. The Hellpuppet
> named George W. Bush had succeeded in stealing the American election for the
> second time.
>
> "This looks like a job for.the Nazarene!" he exclaimed.
>
> Stripping off his humble linen robe, Jesus revealed a powerful physique
> craved by women and men the world over. His Spandex crotch bulged
> shockingly, and His muscles flexed through the skintight flexsuit. His
> purple cape waved in the whirlwind which had mysteriously risen in the vast
> and secret Christoplex, his base on the dark side of the Moon.
>
> Jesus could have teleported if he chose, but he much preferred to drive
> his purple Lamborghini through the bottomless Void. He cranked up the
> Beastie Boys and flashed through shallow space. Soon, he was in Washington
> DC. He parked at the Washington Monument, America's national beacon of
> cosmic power. Then, crouching down to his purple boots, he sprang into the
> air.
>
> Soaring over the embattled capital, Jesus scanned the ground. Thousands
> of Americans wept and raged about the cheating neofascist Republicans.
>
> "I've got to stop the banal and evil Georgeobot," he said. "But these
> people are in trouble!"
>
> He landed in the middle of a frenzied mob.
>
> "Look!" someone said. "It's Jesus Christ!"
>
> "Kill him, Jesus!" they cried, and "Send him straight to Hell!"
>
> "Well," said Jesus mildly, "I do love George. But I am going to fuck
> him up for you. Because he is ruining God's favorite country and because he
> 's a lying Nazi motherfucker."
>
> "Yay, Jesus!" they cried. "Fuck him with your holy might!"
>
> Jesus waved gently and sprang into the sultry Washington air, refreshed.
> He dug these little sessions with plain folks.
>
> "Nexst stop, the White House!" he said.
>
> Landing on the front lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Jesus strode to
> the front door. It was guarded by an incredibly cute Marine. He had a blond
> crew cut, luminous green eyes and dimples. Jesus just loved dimples.
>
> "Where do you think you're going?" the Marine barked.
>
> "To see the President, asshole!" said Jesus.
>
> "I can't let you do that," said the Marine. "The White House is off
> limits. Crazy people want to kill the President."
>
> "I'd like to kill him too," Jesus said. "He'd probably learn something.
> But I'm just going to fuck him up a little."
>
> "Okay asshole," snapped the Marine, who was not accustomed to being
> called an asshole himself. "I'm taking you down!"
>
> He lunged at Jesus with his heavily muscled frame. Jesus grappled with
> him and finally drove his tongue deep into the Marine's red mouth. The
> soldier swooned in ecstasy and felll to the ground trembling.
>
> Jesus stepped over the enraptured body and pressed into the White
> House. He strode straight to the Oval Office.
>
> What he found there was the culmination of a dark ritual.
>
> Dick Cheney stood on the President's desk. He was dressed in a black
> Supreme Court robe, and read from a well-thumbed copy of the Necronomicon.
>
> O octopoidal demon from the dawning of time!" he intoned. "Hear the
> baleful boogie of my summoning rhyme!"
>
> "Stop that!" commanded Jesus. "Those rites are bad for everyone and
> are forbidden!"
>
> His voice was like thunder and his purple cape waved in an
> extradimensional wind.
>
> The diabolical Vice-President only laughed. .
>
> "Too late, Jesus!" he sneered. "I have just completed the Invocation of
> the Elder Gods! They will inhabit the bodies of the Supreme Court
> justices! And dread Cthulhu himself will possess the President!"
>
> "You mean Bush is not evil enough?" said the Messiah, genuinely
> perplexed.
>
> "Oh he's evil enough," said the Vice-President, whose head now burned
> just like his Uncle, Dread Dormmamu. "But he's a dumbfuck. Well, that's a
> lie, he's cunning as a snake. But with Cthulhu, his banality will reach to
> the stars! Muhahahaha!"
>
> Jesus was vexed.
>
> "I could bust his balls right now," he said. "But things must be done
> in the right way. And this calls for the feminine wiles of Divine consort
> and superheroine.Connie Dobbs!"
>
> Taking his Godnet phone from his utility belt, Jesus flipped it
> open and spoke.
>
> "Connie!" he said. "This is Jesus Christ! I need your help!"
>
> Fice-President Cheney was mad with derision.
>
> "No galactic cunt is going to spoil my plans!" he spat. "You're
> through, Jesus!"
>
> He lunged at the Nazarene and grabbed for his neck. Jesus ducked and
> butted him with his head. Cheney flew across the room and hit the wall.
>
> But the Vice-President was juiced with recent surges of occult force. He
> rose to his feet and sprang at the Nazarene. Jesus delivered a Kabbalistic
> karate chop to Cheney's nose, which spouted blood and fire.
>
> "I'll tear you a new one," snarled the dark politician. "You may be the
> Son of God, but you're no match for the Republican Party!"
>
> Taking a device of non-Euclidean geometry from his own utility belt,
> Cheney pointed the thing at jesus.
>
> "Die, Messiah!" he screamed. "Bear the full cynical force of the Gun of
> Nyarlathotep!"
>
> A shit-colored ray shot from the black device. It struck the Super
> Savior and sent him flying.
>
> Cynicism is hard to bear, even for Jesus. It's the force of betrayal
> focused into a pulverizing beam. He had faced it before and returned even
> stronger than before. But that had taken three days. He needed strength
> now.
>
> "Connie!" he gasped. "Help me!"
>
> "Ha!" said Cheney. "That bitch can't help you! We're going to nail you
> up on the Mall, Jesus! Christianoid sentimentality will wash over the
> Administration like an empowering flood. Meanwhile, the true Christ will be
> crucified again, and the corruption of America will be complete!"
>
> "There should be a Nobel Prize for malevolence," Jesus gasped.
>
> Then a goddess crashed through the ceiling of the Oval Office. She wore
> a white miniskirt and gogo boots. Her long golden hair, like the cape of
> Jesus, blew in an extradimensional wind.
>
> "Not so fast, asshole!" she declared. "Noone fucks with
> righteousness while I'm around!"
>
> Her soft brown eyes sparkled gaily. Her full breasts swelled like a
> mother's pride, and her full mouth suggested non-Euclidean erotic
> pleasures. She glowed with sex and power and decency.
>
> It was too much for Cheney to bear. He sank to his knobbly knees,
> slobbering. The Gun of Nyarlathotep fell from his grasp.
>
> "Oh please!" he begged. "I want to have some!"
>
> He was a pathetic slime, but Connie is merciful.
>
> "Which do you want?" she purred. "Sex or power or decency?"
>
> Like the felled Marine, the Vice-President was
> enraptured.
>
> "Just give it to me!" he begged.
>
> "I'll give it to you, baby," she said, and, unbuckling his pants,
> straddled him.
>
> Cheney bucked and grunted for a few seconds, then screamed in a terrible
> ecstasy. With his orgasm came a sublime heart attack. He died in a rictus
> of joy and pain, torn apart by Heaven and Hell.
>
> Connie stood up.
>
> "Wow, Jesus," she said. "You look like you could use a date, too."
>
> She helped the Nazarene to his feet.
>
> "You said it, sister!" he said. "Let's go fuck some Marines."
>
> "You're on!" Connie laughed. "Shall we fly or teleport?"
>
> "Let's take my car," Jesus said. "I'm parked by the Washington
> Monument."
>
> "Can we make out?" Connie said. "I always liked Jewish guys."
>
> "You bet," said Jesus, and kissed her on the place where her jaw met her
> ear.
>
> Connie giggled.
>
> "You sho got it goin on, Mistuh Jesus!" she said.
>
> "Yup," Jesus said. "That's why I'm the Son of God."
>
> "What about Georgie boy?" Connie asked.
>
> "He'll keep for another day," Jesus said. "Let's get some sushi first."
>
> "Then we'll fuck us some Marines," Connie drawled.
>
> They joined hands and walked from the White House in splendor.
>
>
>
> The End