Olympic Idiots
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 20:13:54 GMT
--------
I was sent this at random by a friend and while I don't know how widely
spread it might be, Darwin-Awards-style, it broke the 3 Laughs Barrier
easily, so here 'tis.
"Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where
appropriate:
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth
- to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes?
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in
Sydney.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started
about a year ago to get there in time for this October...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
A: And accomplish what?
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise.
A: I'm not touching this one...
Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will
you let her in?
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia?
Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two?
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No. Everybody stinks.
Q: Do tents exist in Australia?
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most
national parks...
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Yes. At Christmas.
Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef?
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia?
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round?
A: Another blonde moment?
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
A: Face North and you should be about right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first."
--
HellPope Huey
"Hey there, sport, you booted that 23rd measure
when you brushed that B-flat with yer ring finger."
"You measure democracy
by the freedom it gives its dissidents,
not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists."
- Abbie Hoffman
"Thank you for my children."
- "To Kill A Mockingbird"