New tag line...
Correspondent:: Reverend Kenny
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 20:43:55 -0500
--------
Someone asks me to change the Douglas Adams tag-line in my signature so
let's run a few by to see who likes what...
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to
get its pants on."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
- Steven Wright
"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a
longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
the universe."
- Carl Sagan
"I would have made a good Pope."
- Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Any votes? Other Ideas?
Illuminations,
Reverend Kenny
{Insert New Tag-line Here}
Correspondent:: "iDRMRSR"
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 20:52:46 -0500
--------
Oh give me Steven Wright any day.
"I bought a broken phone real cheap the other day. Not all the buttons
work. Now some of my friends say, 'you never call'".
"My friend is a radio announcer. When we walk under a bridge, you can
hardly hear him."
"There's a switch in my apartment that doesn't turn anything on. I was
playing with it the other day. Then I get a telegram from a lady in Germany
that said CUT THAT OUT!"
[*]
-----
I put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
Correspondent:: "nu-monet v7.0"
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 18:56:27 -0700
--------
(Some of Friday Jones' .sig lines. From alt.friday)
667 - Neighbor of the Beast
"A cult is a religion without an army."
- nikolai
"A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves."
- Edward R Murrow
"A person playing with fire should not yell when he gets burned."
- Israel Justice Minister Yossi Beilin, on Israeli troops shooting at
protestors
A recent survey of the top 1,000 living English-language authors finds
that more than 80 percent own manual typewriters averaging 43 years in
age and three broken functions, with a per-unit resale value of $4.75
and slipping. Yet in a questionnaire about their response if brigands
should invade their homes and demand either their beat-up old manual
typewriters or their spouses on pain of death, a whopping 96 percent
wrote ''Spouse.''
- New York Times article
"A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercises,
I advice the gun. While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it
gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind. Games played
with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body
and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the
constant companion of your walks."
- Thomas Jefferson
A wise man once said, "If you are firmly rooted in the Tao, all the
forces of the earth may pull at you, and you will not be moved."
Similarly, if you are freely floating with the flow of Slack, you may
make a thousand journeys, and never feel the effort of a single step.
- St. Marc
"Aaahh! My own self-loathing became postmodern and ironic!"
- Lawrence Miles
"Advance and attack! Attack and destroy! Destroy and rejoice!"
- The Daleks
"After 9/11, Bush made two statements:
1. Terrorists hate America because America is a land of freedom and
opportunity.
2. We intend to attack the root causes of terrorism.
Sounds like everything is going according to plan."
- cperciva
Alice: Our washing machine was taken away yesterday.
Dave: Good heavens. What had it done?
"All I ask of Thee, Lord
is to be a drinker and fornicator
an unbeliever and a sodomite
and then to die."
- Claude de Chauvigny
"ALL MUSIC IS STUPID"
- Friday Jones
Always tell the truth -- or as much of it as seems safe. You will
eventually end up with people around you who you won't have to lie to.
- Ancient Kung Foole Proverb
And they travelled up the hill. And when they reached the top of the
hill, they saw more hills, for these hills before them were the very
same as the hills of Larellieianelalellelelel. And Aragorn said,
"Those hills are the hills of Larellieianelalellelelel." And they
walked down the hill. And then walked up the next hill. And behold,
they saw more hills.
- The Fellowship of the Ring (paraphrased by Robot Karate Man)
ANNOY THE ROBOT
"Any sufficiently advanced extraterrestrial intelligence is
indistinguishable from God"
- Michael Shermer
"... As long as they're clean they don't have to be perfectly
straight."
- Rev. Magdalen
"As unpleasant as you may find it, remember that nuclear winter is
eminently preferable to the brief yet intense nuclear summer that
precedes it."
- nu-monet
"Better a live Judeo-Nazi than a dead saint."
- Ariel Sharon, 1982 interview
Bitterness... true bitterness... takes years to cultivate. A careful
blending of the grapes of many disappointments and deceptions and
heartbreaks, it must be bottled up and put away in a dank, dark
cellar, where it slowly ferments and finally comes into its own as a
dark and full-bodied, poisonous wine, full of bile and seething with
contempt.
- poster JimmyOlsen, Fark
Bob: "Duh duh duh dill pickle."
Boss: "Go clean the bathroom Bob!"
Bob: "I eat what I like."
Bondage is knot for everyone
Bound, blindfolded, and buttered, at last Leopold knew the semblance
of peace.
- R. Leggatt
"Bunch together a group of people deliberately chosen for strong
religious feelings, and you have a practical guarantee of dark
morbidities expressed in crime, perversion, and insanity."
- HP Lovecraft, letter to Robert E. Howard 10/4/30
"But from a distance you were mine."
- Manufactured Romance, "Long Distance Love Affair"
"But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew.
Did you know THAT?"
- Dr. Casanova Frankenstein, 'Mystery Men'
"By and large, there are just two types of thinking. It's either
positive or negative - it's either boy or girl, there's nothing else,
OK? Nothing in-between. And a positive thinker is an optimistic,
faith-motivated person who habitually projects positive pictures and
attitudes every single day and in every single situation. And these
strong thought vibrations condition the world around you... A flow of
positive outcomes is activated and positive achievements are
manifested when you do them. And when a negative thought comes to
you, just say, "Cancel! Cancel!", and turn it into something positive.
Because there is something positive about everything, even if it is
negative."
- Founder Mary Kay Ash on the power of the positive
Caroline: How do you tell the pubic lice from the other kind?
Mat: The pubic ones are smiling.
"Charles Nizet's writing, directing and cinematography will be a
source of encouragement to untalented people everywhere."
- Joe Dante review of 'Voodoo Heartbeat'
"Cigarettes are known to contain Carbon. You know what else contained
carbon? HITLER!!!!"
"Civilization will not attain to its perfection until the last stone
from the last church falls on the last priest"
- Emile Zola
"Coddle your clit and it'll coddle you right back."
- HellPope Huey
Company policy: "You can bring your baby or toddler to work, so long
as it can talk, feed itself and stick effortlessly to the ceiling like
a spider."
"Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No
one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we
fought, and why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood
against many. Valor pleases you, so grant me this one request. Grant
me revenge! And if you do not listen, the HELL with you!"
- Conan
Curious Times Top Ten List of Drug Slang:
10. A-Bomb (joint laced with heroin or opium)
9. Mind Detergent (LSD)
8. Devil's Dick (crack pipe)
7. Sweet Jesus (heroin)
6. Gutter Junkie (addict who relies on others to obtain drugs)
5. Fly Mexican Airlines (smoke marijuana)
4. Interplanetary Mission (traveling from one crackhouse to another
searching for drugs)
3. Carpet Patrol (crack smokers searching the floor for more drugs)
2. Hippie Crack (inhalants)
1. Bag Bride (crack-smoking prostitute).
Get with the program at http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov
Deng Xiaoping be thy name
United Kingdom gone
thy will be done in Hong Kong
as it is in China
Give us this day our daily bet
and forgive us our speculations
as we forgive those that speculate against us,
And lead us not into communism
but deliver us from gweilows,
For thine is the sovereignty,
and the power and the authority
Forever and ever
Chow Mein
- Anthony Wong Chau-Sang (song lyrics)
"Do we wanna know what you have planned for several thousand giant
thermonuclear dildos?"
- Iceknife to Friday Jones, 10/1/4 P.X.
Do you ever feel like a total leech on society? Like you're just
wasting space, oxygen, food and irreplaceable resources in exchange
for producing nothing? Like everything you do is a waste of time which
will influence no one and have no visible results, ever? Like you're
basically just killing time waiting to die?
If so, how do you get that big grin off your face? It's starting to
hurt my cheek muscles.
- St. Marc
Don't curse the darkness, light a fuse
Don't follow me - I'm following my bliss
Due to intense mind fog, all thoughts have been grounded
E pluribus hokum - "From many comes bullshit"
"Elements of the movie seem not merely half-baked, but never to have
seen the inside of an oven."
- Roger Ebert on "No Such Thing"
EVOLVE, damn it!
"Failure comes in BOTTLED up frustration, while success is always
found in a CAN!"
- Vince Ricco
For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to
peel and cook.
- Quentin Crisp
From here, there's nowhere to go but Montana.
- HellPope Huey®
Frozen Goat: "Can you think of something creepier than a whispering
Dalek?"
Friday Jones: "Yes, actually. A Dalek whisperer."
GENITALS GENITALS GENITALS!
- an Ann Coulter fan
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death, while praying for a
fish.
"Give me thank or KILL ME."
- nu-monet
Glaaki hates "Mr. Bubble."
"HAPPY PASSOVER ... and don't forget to nail a baby's foreskin to your
door, to keep God away."
- Reverend Ivan Stang
"He may not be gay, but he's certainly fey."
- Friday Jones
He was one of them hip, white college professors
And I was his star student
Until one day, he looked at me with a fraternal/paternal smile
And asked me what I thought about the myth of Negro sexual superiority
And I, in wide-eyed innocence looked up and asked: "What myth?"
- Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sam Greenlee
("Blues for an African Princess")
He who laughs last, thinks slowest
"He's a good man but for one three-day weekend of terror."
- defense attorney Steven Feldman, referring to convicted child
murderer David Westerfield
"He's an Everyman. Well, a really rich, godlike Everyman."
- 15-year-old's opinion of Paul McCartney
"HELLO, MY NAME IS YOUR NAME AND I HAVE A SPECIAL DEAL FOR YOU"
"Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual - they're all such LIMITING terms.
I prefer 'omnivorous'."
- Friday Jones
"Humor is how you demonstrate that you don't care about pain."
- Friday Jones
"I am concerned about the size of the president's package at a time
when we have pressing needs and are possibly on the verge of a second
war with Iraq."
- Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine)
"I am going to jump into my grave laughing because the knowledge that
I have the deaths of millions of people on my conscience is a source
of extraordinary satisfaction to me."
- Adolf Eichmann
"I am still the Hitler of the time. This Hitler has only one
objective, justice for his own people, sovereignty for his people,
recognition of the independence of his people, and their right to
their resources. If that is Hitler, then let me be a Hitler tenfold.
Ten times, that is what we stand for."
- President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe
I believe the children are our future: nasty, brutish and short.
"I don't eat Chinese babies because a half hour later I'm hungry and
have to eat another."
- character on ABC sitcom 'My Adventures in Television'
I don't know what you're talking about.
I've never met you before in my life.
That story sounds like utter bullshit.
I wasn't there and it wasn't me.
I am *not* in denial. Shut up.
- nu-monet
I feel your pain.
I'll give you a dollar if you let me feel it again.
- HellPope Huey
I Found JESUS - He was behind the sofa the whole time!
"I have kept my pants on for too long, and I ask you take them off,
chew them through with your teeth, wrap my belt around my neck and
buckle, then twist my underwear around my ankles and turn me upside
down, inside out, kiss my face like Spiderman to Kirsten Dunst, smell
my cunt, and finally, finally, touch that rose in flower gently
screaming mother dearest, when will call me home?"
- Gabriel Carroll
"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the
intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am
ungrateful to these teachers." - Kahlil Gibran
I know that MY penis has been used to do evil. It mauled a group of
children once, in fact. Well, there was a sign up..."Beware of my
Penis" but they were taunting it with a stick .... soon it broke the
lead it was on and it was all over them. **shaking head** The judge
said I had to have it put to sleep. I showed him a picture of my wife,
and he said, "Damn, that should have done it."
- Mark_Stone
I like to make people either think, throw up, or both
- Joe Cosby
"I love you more today than yesterday and only half as much as
tomorrow."
- "renjith"?
"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the
government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of
taking care of them."
-Thomas Jefferson
"I think that all boys who joined the Boy Scouts and wore shorts had
their naked knees touched by 'bad priests'."
- director Aldo Lada
I was just writing a story about "Bob" and instead of "pipe-smoking",
I accidentally switched the two words around and typed,
"smike-poping."
- SubSpecies23
I was talking about the works of the Marquis De Sade with someone who
said, "I just skip the boring part and go right to the sex." And I
replied, "I thought that WAS the boring part."
- nenslo
"I'd rather breathe you in than air."
- Linda Thompson
"I'd rather have the right people laughing AT me than have the wrong
people laughing WITH me."
- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
''I'll give the plant this much: It's impressively bold. It's also
evil.''
- Craig Hollingsworth of the University of Massachusetts, on giant
hogsweed
"I'm not saying it's safe for humans. I'm not saying it's unsafe for
humans. All I'm saying is it that it makes hermaphrodites of frogs."
- Tyrone B. Hayes of the University of California at Berkeley
"I'm not shy. I'm studying my prey."
-Sunshyn
"I've always wanted to sell out. The problem is nobody wanted to buy
me."
- John Waters, 'Crackpot'
iDRMRSR: I'm so proud of being affiliated with at least ONE religion
that doesn't call for the death of all unbelievers at the hands of the
faithful.
Modemac: At least not until X-Day, at least. Then we'll not only call
for the deaths of all unbelievers, we'll call for the deaths of most
of the BELIEVERS, as well!
If at first you don't succeed - destroy all evidence that you tried
If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
If I'm an agent of Satan, where's my 10%?
If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so
badly?
- Sydney Assbasket
If politicians were as accomodating as the average vagina, we would
never again have to worry about war.
- from "Christina's Paradise" by Blakely St. James
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
- merwench
"If you stop lying about me, I'll stop telling the truth about you."
- Adlai Stevenson
If your only tool is your wit, all of your problems are a joke.
- Col. Sphinx Drummond TWSR
"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a
dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic
to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill
me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change."
- Marquis de Sade's Last Will and Testament
In a year holding a three, or seven,
or five, or nine, or maybe not,
Two things, might be people, or armies,
or buildings,
Or anything really, blades of grass,
or stoats, or crapulous charlatans
spouting mimsy,
Might do something nebulous.
Insert made-up-bit here.
- Generic Nostradamus Quatrain from
"The Guardian"
In anticipation, John licked his own lips.
- A. Lloyd
In his house in R'yleh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.
IN THE GREAT URINAL OF X-DAY, THERE CAN PEE ONLY ONE.
- Rev. Ivan Stang
It is much better to move in with a fiend than with an enema.
- John Warren
It is my objective opinion that your father was caught in the French
Embassy doing the Naughty Wheelbarrow with a Vietnamese pot-bellied
pig and that you type with a strap-on cock whose main appendage is
fashioned to resemble famed song & dance man Jimmy Durante's legendary
proboscis. PRAISE "Bob."
- HellPope Huey
"It is not I who am crazy; it is I who am MAD!"
- Ren Hoek
It's like taking a beating from a psychopath. There's nothing you can
do. It's addicted to beating your ass. Since it's addicted now, it
feels like a victim too. It wants you to feel sorry for it. It's
thinking about going into recovery, but meanwhile it just keeps
beating your ass in a kind of halfhearted way that's almost insulting.
It claims that it's actually painful for it to keep beating your ass,
but it can't stop. It hints that it's your fault it keeps beating your
ass.
- Cary Tennis, Salon
It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because
the world could use a few people like that.
- Alan Alda
Jesus paid for our sins - now let's get our money's worth!
John. The President's canary is being held hostage in Syria.
- Art of Fighting 2, NeoGeo
JOIN OUR INTERCOURSE CLUB -- NO DUES, NO FEES, JUST COME
"Knowing is half the battle. Explaining it is the other half."
-Chris Burch
Laugh, and the world laughs with you
Cry, and the world laughs louder
"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms...disarm only those who are
neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes... Such laws make
things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they
serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed
man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man."
-Thomas Jefferson, quoting Cesare Beccaria
Laziness is a lot like efficiency. In fact, laziness usually creates
efficiency.
Libertarians are just survivalists who don't know how to survive.
- Niall
Life is a joke. Death is the punchline.
"Life is the one great indulgence; death the one great abstinence."
- Anton Szandor LaVey, The Satanic Bible
"Life is unfair. Kill yourself or get over it."
- Black Box Recorder
Many Bothans died to bring you this information.
"Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in. Next
to soccer."
- Loki in "Dogma"
"Maybe some day, if I struggle, and read the right books, and eat
right and not watch moving picture shows, and learn to think rightly,
I'll KNOW all about INTELLIGENCE."
- Rev. Ivan Stang
Melondramatic (adj) - Used to describe a large-breasted woman
Modafinil - The drug of the 24-hour generation
Mosura, ya, Mosura,
dongan kasakuyan in doo mu
rustoritoradoa hanba hanbamuyan
radabanuradan tonjyu kanraa
kasaku yaanmu
My flabber is well and truly ghasted
My reality check bounced
Nearly every society has come up with all kinds of reasons to chop
bits and pieces of genitalia OFF, but not one of them have come up
with a reason to glue/tie/implant MORE.
Making, again, the Church of the Subgenius with its
multiple-genitaliad members (urk) unique, or something.
QUADMAPHRODITES NOW! It's our RIGHT! It's our DUTY! It's our
DESTINY!
- Joe Cosby
"Never in all my life have I written a letter to a journalistic
publication, and I certainly do not intend to start now."
- Ed Ames
"Never tell your nightmares to people who have the power or motive to
make them come true."
- lastcrazyhorn
No, you're not a bigot, just DAIN BRAMAGED.
- Lilith
Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much
- Zagat's Survey outtake
Nothing Can Destroy The Creative Spirit!
http://kickme.to/DrLegume
"Nothing valued is here.
This place is a message and part of a system of messages.
Pay attention to it!
Sending this message was important to us.
We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture."
-Excerpts from 'Expert Judgement on Markers to Deter Inadvertent
Human Intrusion into the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant' - Sandia
National Laboratories
"Now that I've inspired a character in a Godzilla movie, all I really
still desire is for several Ingmar Bergman characters to sit in a
circle and read my reviews to one another in hushed tones."
- Roger Ebert
"Now blessing light on him that first invented this same sleep! It
covers a man all over, thoughts and all, like a cloak; 'tis meat for
the hungry, drink for the thirsty, heat for the cold, and cold for the
hot. 'Tis the current coin that purchases all the pleasures of the
world cheap; and the balance that sets the king and the shepherd, the
fool and the wise man even."
- Sancho Panza, "Don Quixote"
"Nyder is the sort of person who, if you told him to kill someone, it
would just make his Friday .... He's basically just a psychopath."
- actor Peter Miles (UK)
Oh you should never never doubt what nobody is sure of.
- Willy Wonka
On every day and in every way,
the world is samer and samer.
- nu-monet
"On one occasion, at a textile conference in Finland last year, the
bogus WTO official making a presentation removed his clothes to reveal
a golden leotard with a metre long golden phallus containing what he
called video interface which could be used to deliver electric shocks
to employees in the developing world not working hard enough.
A spokesman for the Yes Men said that nobody at the conference seemed
to spot the hoax.
The main complaint made at the time, he said, was from a woman who
said the phallus metaphor was inappropriate because women too can
exploit workers."
- BBC article on WTO-spoofers The Yes Men
One's the Pope. One's a chimp. They're detectives.
'The Pope and the Chimp' coming this fall to NBC
"Only chocolate donut ham slammers post to alt.slack"
- Prostata Cantata's QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Outdolence: The act of giving or distributing indolence
"Ozzy {Osbourne} has managed to succeed while remaining insane and
strangely happy despite his various crimes against God and nature."
- Marilyn Manson
Paganism is populated almost entirely by white middle class academia
... A whopping 75 percent of them participate in grindingly boring
interpretations of deviant sexuality.
- alliekatt
Pandemonium was a word invented by Lewis Carroll, naming the capital
of Hell.
"Pardon me, young lady, but might you have a map - for I am hopelessly
lost in your beauty."
- Richmond Recker
People ask me if I've ever been called a Nazi. I answer that no one
has ever had dreams of being tied down and sexually ravished by
someone dressed as a liberal.
- P.J. O'Rourke
"People say it would be terrible if we made all girls pretty. I think
it would be great."
- biologist James Watson
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh "BOB" D'lyeh Wgah'nagl Dhobbz f'htagn.
(In his Great Easy Chair at D'lyeh, Dread Dobbs lays Smoking.)
-one of the Dhol Chants for raising the Elder Gods, from ‘Incubustum
Mysteries des Helle, ‘Sir Colin Anton Wilson 1706
Practice Feudalism, where your count votes.
"Priest Turns Confession Booth into ‘Erotic Lingerie Modeling Booth
for Boys'"
Q: How many men does it take to tile the typical kitchen floor?
A. Just one, but you have to slice him verrrry thin.
- Spyral
"Reminds me of the MIM Notes (Maoist cult) guy who used to come to our
pot rallies to distribute literature. He said he agreed with us and he
thought that the War On Drugs was a terrible capitalist oppression,
especially against the poor. And when the Revolution comes, he
continued, there would be no more War On Drugs. In fact, he said,
nobody would want to do drugs because there would be no more
capitalism causing them unhappiness and compelling them to do drugs.
And what would happen, let's just suppose, we asked him, if the
revolution came and there was no more capitalism, but for whatever
reasons somehow we still chose to do drugs? Well, that would never
happen, he said, but in that case you would probably need to be sent
to a camp as a social subversive to be re-educated!
- Subversive
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
SEND $1 TO
THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
PO BOX 204206
AUSTIN, TX 78720-4206
www.subgenius.com
SKULLFUCKING: Also known as brainal sex
So, the proper signature delimiter is the way mine is ("-- ") and not
the way yours is ("--"). -- Some Linux Freak
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him
tastefully."
- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
"Sometimes he let his alligator mouth override his hummingbird ass."
- ex-roommate's evaluation of William Gene Myears
[sooner or later everybody will be Chaos Israel.]
- Rev. Clayton Woolard
Stop worrying. Something black and horrible exists right on the edge
of perception. And it loves you.
- TideCrestAjax
Symmetry is for people without tentacles.
- Christian A. Bloom
"The damsel in distress is probably in hock to the dragon."
- Rev. Vagabond
"The future is here. It's just not evenly distributed yet."
- William Gibson
THE HAT IS NOT YOUR ENEMY
- Friday Jones
The Internet is a disease vector for mental illness.
- Gordon Shumway
"The message is that there are no knowns. There are things we know
that we know. There are known unknowns, that is to say there are
things we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns
- things we do not know we don't know."
- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions."
- Susan Sontag
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the
questioners."
- Friday Jones (after Sontag)
"The only way to stop a terrorist is to cut his head off."
- James Woods
The pain wouldn't stop, and Vern still had three cats left.
- A. Davis
"The primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the
degenerate races."
- Harry J. Anslinger, director at the Federal Bureau of Narcotics,
1937
The sexiest thing about British guys is that you can't imagine them
having an orgasm.
- Rev. Magdalen
The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of its
individual parts.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The
population is growing.
- Cole's Axiom
"The VCR is to the American film producer and the American public as
the Boston Strangler is to the woman alone."
- Jack Valenti, MPAA
"There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like movies in
which the witch takes off her head and throws it at you, and those who
don't."
- Sex & Zen & A Bullet in the Head
There is only one tactical principle which is not subject to change.
It is, "To use the means at hand to inflict the maximum amount of
wounds, death, and destruction on the enemy in the minimum amount of
time."
- GEN George S Patton, Jr, AUS
"There is no doubt that I had the tastes of a monk. Prompted soley by
instinct, there was not a pretty girl on the street that I did not try
to kiss and caress."
- The Libertines, Anonymous
"These evil rotting clowns could start a band called Rage Against My
Mommy."
- Iceknife
"These protesters are causing provocation to our soldiers on duty in
Beit Jala."
- Israeli Defense Force spokesman Olivier Rafowicz, on Israeli
troops using live ammunition to shoot at peaceful protesters
They put the salmon in salmonella
- Zagat's Survey outtake
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but with a whimper.
- T.S. Eliot
This is your brain.
Literally, the period at the end of the last
sentence is your brain.
You have done *way* too many drugs.
- nu-monet v4.0
"To feel strong, to walk amongst humans with a tremendous feeling of
confidence and superiority is not at all wrong. "
- Fred Hatfield
To Know, To Will, To Dare, & To Keep Silent
Took a doggie bag home; the dog refused it
- Zagat's Survey outtake
Toynbee Idea in Movie 2001 -
Resurrect Dead On Planet Jupiter -
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
Transported to a surreal landscape,
a young girl kills the first woman she meets
and then teams up with three complete strangers
to kill again.
- Marin County newspaper's TV listing
for "The Wizard of Oz"
VIAGRA - Take The Blue Pill, And Show Her How Deep The Rabbit Hole
Goes
"Vini, Vidi, Vini, Penii....I came, I saw, I came, I tried to stick my
weiner in it"
- Hellpope Huey
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are
spiritual beings having a human experience."
"We have nothing to fear but the filigree of evil."
- John Starrett
We're all here because we're not all there
Wear black and bring Maalox
- Zagat's Survey outtake
Weaseling your way out of things is what separates man from animals.
Except the weasel.
-Homer J. Simpson
What are the two things mankind will never reach?
The speed of light and page 132 of DHALGREN.
"What did he want?"
"He wanted what all men want."
"He wanted you to dress like Wonder Woman, tie him up with your golden
magic lasso, and force him to tell the truth?"
- Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from "Back to School")
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of
us!"
"When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out to cut up what remains,
Jest roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
An' go to your Gawd like a soldier."
- Rudyard Kipling
Whether or not I am Ironman is not open for discussion.
- Craig
Who needs children when you have a metal dinosaur?
- Whelp
"Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist-shit
twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death
warrant?"
- Lee Ermey in "Full Metal Jacket"
Correspondent:: "nu-monet v7.0"
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 19:02:31 -0700
--------
(Some of Dr Hieronymous Zinn's .sig lines.)
In all modesty, Alphonse was sure that it was his
overwhelming charm and charisma that had turned those
nubile, but stubborn, young ladies into his personal
harem of mindless sex slaves, but he was also certain
that his homemade Chinese water-torture device had
accelerated the process somewhat.
Mixalptui, a warrior of the Axolotl tribe, was amazed
by the civility and generosity of his captors, who had
dressed him in the finest feather robes, given him a
sumptuous banquet with strong drinks to drink, and were
now escorting him to visit their high priest atop their
greatest temple, to see the royal obsidian knife
collection.
Dmitri lay broken and bleeding on the frozen steps
of the St. Ulyanov cathedral, thinking of his emaciated
wife Natasha, dying of tuberculosis in a decayed shack
in Siberia while she agonized that Ivan, at that moment
inches from death at the hands of soldiers of the
invading French tyrant, would only remember Ivana and
Georgi, whose passionate but painful embrace was about
to be interrupted by the Cossack Leonid, who believed
that he was about to murder the faithless Svetlana, who
was in fact, miles away, her thoughts on other things.
"The problem with euthanasia," thought Dr. Irving as
he sprinkled the screaming old lady with gasoline, then
wistfully struck a match, "is the lack of an established
medical ethic supported by federal legislation, which
makes this all the more difficult, even with the support
of the family."
Robert awoke with the feeling of a sewer rat chewing on
his prefrontal lobe, with his mouth tasting of spicy coyote
jerky and his right arm feeling partially atrophied from
the enormous bulk of a sweaty senorita lying atop it, her
toothless face masked in an enchilada facial, covered by an
impromptu wedding veil, letting out a bestial snore, so he
promised never ever to drink Harvey Wallbangers in that
quantity again.
"I will be warned of the dangers of time travel!",
remembered Tilly, of the warning she was given in the
future, of the perils of the past, which she presently
thought had been both historic and foresighted, "though
knowing now what I will know then makes it somewhat
anachronistic".
Moving his way through the Galactic Empire's slave
auction, the disguised Captain Hand Solo finally spotted
his trusted, loyal, and captive friend Chewthwacka
standing in irons, a skirt about his waist to hide his
massive charms, then asked (in broken alien), "How much
is that Wookie in the dirndl?"
The beloved Emperor Ming "The Merciless" (for his
merciless attacks on poverty, disease, and ignorance),
whose reign had ended 500 years of genocidal war and the
perverse practices of ritual murder, child slavery, and
cannibalism on his entire planet; and who had just given
the planet Earth the plans of a disintegration chamber
for the destruction of chemical and radioactive waste;
was in one of his free hospitals performing life-saving
surgery on an orphan critically wounded in an attack by
Hawkman extremists, when he was bludgeoned to death with
a sacred religious relic in a cowardly attack by the
earthman assassin Flash Gordon.
He suffered from great angst, for having sustained a
head injury resulting in total amnesia, yet feeling an
enormous sense of deja vu, he had the strongest sensation
of having had total amnesia before, but couldn't remember
not being able to remember, or if he had had deja vu, or
even angst, before.
Sitting on the electric chair, the childlike condemned
ax killer debated with himself as to whether he should,
at length, condemn capital punishment as being a
renunciation of the responsibility of the state to
rehabilitate the abberant.
She lifted her eyes to mine, but held her tongue and
caught her breath, then dropped to her knees, heaved her
breast, and layed her hands at my feet: "Pull yourself
together", I said.
No longer an object of fear and derision, Count Dracula
not only found the 1990's practical, due to the relative
availability of purchasable whole blood; but profitable,
after having earned his night-school medical degree and
becoming a major discount liposuctionist, using a
technique only slightly more revolting than the chewing
of leaf tobacco.
Prince Otto poked and slashed, again and again, with his
trusted epee, slicing the soft and yielding flesh of his
hated enemy, then he thrust his hand into the gaping wound,
drawing out a fistful of entrails, held them aloft and
shouted, "I...really...hate...cantaloupes!"
"Golly," thought Marcie, "I wonder what a leather is?",
just having read in her romance novel that, 'The rebuffed
and frustrated Baron Siegfried had departed her bedchamber
when, in a passionate rage, he tore his leather jerkin off.'
"Who amongst you will become learned men, to arise from
the abyss--the stygian depths of torpid ignorance--to ascend
aloft as the kite, to wax amongst the Olypian aerie of
matriculation...", asked Dr. Peter Thorne, Ph.D., to the
bland stares of the feckless and ovine undergraduates,
"...and who amongst you will flip greaseburgers for the
duration?"
"Ten...nine...eight", said Cynthia to her handsome
paramour, special agent double-XY, Lance Sterling, while
watching the large digital clock-bomb tick away seconds
to their demise, and thinking of how, if she could but
change his wild and wanton womanizing ways, his profound
alcoholism and murderous lifestyle, they could settle
down and own a cute little cottage and raise children:
handsome little Lance Jr., excelling at sports and
microbiology; and cute little Cindy, who would become
the first doctor on the supreme court; "seven...six...
five...," she continued.
"Mon Dieu!", cried Isabel, "meine liebschen, Roget,
in flagrante delicto with that pueta, Rosalind!"
Cruising the inky depths at a comfortable twelve knots
per hour, the cruise ship Leviathan sailed briskly
forward, its passengers, among whom were Reginald Swee III
and his fiancee Nanci Lard (unaware of the brimming mutiny
of the treacherous Norwegian deck-hands), attended a gala
fete featuring jumbo shrimp with guacamole dip, hot
vichyssoise soup, and beef tartar (seasoned with an
unlikely aphrodisiac); all promising a most unique voyage.
Would that I had been more attentive to professor
Jenkins' lecture on "Anitidaethropes" in my abnormal
psychology veterinary class, even though that knowledge
would be of little use to me know, standing face-to-beak
with the largest flock of were-ducks in Burbank.
Well versed in the efficacy of medicinal leeches,
Dr. Fernwilder began detailed though controversial
experiments, with less than volunteer subjects, in his
garden grub-sinusitis theory.
"Do you enjoy the pate de fois gras, my dear?", said
Terry to his date (who had just discovered a cat hair
in the paste), "I make it myself."
Looking dapper and debonair in his tailored suit with
silk ascot, Reginald, the newest member of the 13th
fusiliers veterans club downed the traditional shot of
jalapeno schnapps, then screamed and rammed his head
through the dry-wall, to no one's great surprise.
Percival "Fingers" La Merde found the conversation
of his fellow proctologists akin to chewing aluminum
foil, and the annual awards banquet menu a choice
between barbecued kitten and penguin ala king; but he
was all covetous ears when the "golden goose" and the
"apple bobber of the year" awards were announced.
"I will never submit to your lustful advances", cried
Princess Beatrice, as the wealthy, powerful, muscular
and strikingly handsome Count Bertrand slowly adjusted
his mink gloves, "at least for another half-hour!"
The brave frontier widow positively shivered at
the thought of spending another night alone in the
cabin, fully aware that hidden in the nearby trees
lurked a huge, muscular, greasy, and dirty Indian,
his thoughts devoted to tearing off her peek-a-boo
negligee and ravishing her again and again, while
he menacingly waited until dark, pounding on his
tom-tom.
Reginald was no racist, for people, be they white,
black, brown, red or yellow, he preferred to think
of in his own space-alien terms: as either "crunchy"
or "chewy".
Correspondent:: Reverend Kenny
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 21:23:57 -0500
--------
nu-monet v7.0 wrote:
A bunch of stuff!
Cool! That's a good start! I'm very fond of this one...
"As unpleasant as you may find it, remember that nuclear winter is
eminently preferable to the brief yet intense nuclear summer that
precedes it."
- nu-monet
Made the old lady jiggle too!
--
Illuminations,
Reverend Kenny
{Insert New Tag-line Here}
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 03:11:57 GMT
--------
"George had offended the don once too often, so Guido had the banshee
force his penis into the Salad Shooter, hit the Play button on the boom
box, which contained a Marilyn Manson CD and then flicked the 'julienne
fries' button on high. No one heard the screams and the dogs ate
extra-well that night."
- "Harry Potter and the Giblets Afire"
--
HellPope Huey
Religion is like dropping sea urchins in your pants
and then trying to convince others
that they should do it too, because its "good."
Oh, SHUT UP.
The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
- Mark Twain
"Smoking and drinking go together,
like porn and nachos."
- "The Oblongs"
Correspondent:: Eddie Vroom
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 03:20:19 GMT
--------
Reverend Kenny wrote:
> {Insert New Tag-line Here}
"I believe that the growth in my head - this head - this one right here.
I think that it is not really a tumor... not an uncontrolled, undirected
little bubbling pot of flesh... but that it is in fact a new organ... a
new part of the brain".
-- Brian O'Blivion
--
Art and Fashion for the New Conspiracy
http://www.cafepress.com/luciddragon
the Mystical RevvedErrand Doktor Eddie Vroom
Certified God by the holy authority of
the White Lotus Fortune Cookie Company
June 23, 2004
Correspondent:: nenslo
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:22:29 -0800
--------
Reverend Kenny wrote:
>
> Someone asks me to change the Douglas Adams tag-line in my signature so
> let's run a few by to see who likes what...
>
> "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to
> get its pants on."
> - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
>
> "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
> - Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
>
> "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
> - Voltaire (1694-1778)
>
> "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
> - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
>
> "Black holes are where God divided by zero."
> - Steven Wright
>
> "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a
> longer shelf life."
> - Frank Zappa
>
> "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
> the universe."
> - Carl Sagan
>
> "I would have made a good Pope."
> - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)
>
> "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
> - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
>
> Any votes? Other Ideas?
>
> Illuminations,
> Reverend Kenny
> {Insert New Tag-line Here}
100,000 lentils can't be wrong.
Correspondent:: rlan538885@aol.comnobozos (RLan538885)
Date: 01 Dec 2004 01:26:26 GMT
--------
>100,000 lentils can't be wrong.
There you go. That'll do.
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
Correspondent:: rlan538885@aol.comnobozos (RLan538885)
Date: 01 Dec 2004 01:27:11 GMT
--------
>Reverend Kenny wrote:
>>
>> Someone asks me to change the Douglas Adams tag-line in my signature so
Actually, Douglas Adams stole the tagline from me.
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
Correspondent:: Reverend Kenny
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 00:37:40 -0500
--------
RLan538885 wrote:
>>Reverend Kenny wrote:
>>
>>>Someone asks me to change the Douglas Adams tag-line in my signature so
>
>
> Actually, Douglas Adams stole the tagline from me.
>
Careful LOL! You're showing your age! LOL!
>
> "100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
>
--
Illuminations,
Reverend Kenny
1,000,000 Lemmings can't be wrong!
Correspondent:: nenslo
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 15:11:53 -0800
--------
Reverend Kenny wrote:
>
> RLan538885 wrote:
> >>Reverend Kenny wrote:
> >>
> >>>Someone asks me to change the Douglas Adams tag-line in my signature so
> >
> >
> > Actually, Douglas Adams stole the tagline from me.
> >
> Careful LOL! You're showing your age! LOL!
What he's showing is his dumbassed retardedness.
Correspondent:: chaos_israel@antisocial.com (The Rev. Dr. Lt. Chaos Israel)
Date: 1 Dec 2004 19:16:58 -0800
--------
Reverend Kenny wrote in message news:...
> Someone asks me to change the Douglas Adams tag-line in my signature so
> let's run a few by to see who likes what...
>
I like the Sagan quote:
>
> "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
> the universe."
> - Carl Sagan
>
>
> Any votes? Other Ideas?
>
"If it's stupid, but it works, it's probably still stupid."
--Chaos Israel.