When Diminutive Dinosaurs Attack Tedium!
Posted by:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 13:29:58 -0500
--------
From: Hal Robins
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL
March 16th, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents:
"When Diminutive Dinosaurs Attack Tedium!"
Part III of K-Rob's Edit showing the Domestic Pastimes of the
Wall-Dwelling Saurians
And Don't Come too Late to Enjoy our Brain-Bollixing Opening Act--
THE CELEBRATED
Chris Karney
A One-Man Show of his Own, a Real Jack of Fall Trades:
Prestidigitator, Escape Artist, Humorist & Raconteur
With Many More Agreeable Novelties Yet Unannounced
THE DR. HAL REPORT
C O N T E N T S :
ON THE BILL: THOSE SCUTTLING, TITTERING, TINY LITTLE DINOSAURS IN THE
WALLS TAKE THEIR THIRD & FINAL BOW; K-ROB PULLS OUT ALL EDITING STOPS;
THE ONCE & FUTURE STAR--ANOMALOUS INFORMATION - CHRIS CARNEY BRINGS THE
MIDWAY TO THE LOWER MISSION - NEWS FLASH: K-ROB'S FILM FARM CHANGES
FROM THURSDAY TO WEDNESDAY EVES: DR. HAL NITE NOW 2 HOURS LONGER - IN
DEEP SPACE AGAIN WITH PETE "DOC" GOLDIE - FREE, AND WORTH EVERY PENNY -
SOCIAL NOTES: A SQUIRTIN' CONCERT; ROCK STARS FLOCK TO BAR; BEAUTIES OF
THE EVENING; NHEE GHEE ON SKIS NIXES PHILO'S KNEE; KAOSMEX KITTY
REPORTEDLY SITTING PRETTY; MEDICOS OPERATE ON GEEKBOY; GOLDIE'S MILES
OF TILES, HE CLEANS UP MESSIER MARATHON; SIGN ON THE THREE-DOTTED LINE;
OUT AND ABOUT: ENA & ANNA AT HOME: BE THEIR NEIGHBOR? NICE PANTS, LOOP
STATION AN ODEON SENSATION - COMPUTER CLIX BRING DR. HAL PIX - UPCOMING
EVENTS: ONGOING: NEWS FLASH: K-ROB'S FILM FARM CHANGES FROM THURSDAY TO
WEDNESDAY EVES: COME THIS WEEK TO TAKE IN MANGA MEGALO- MASTERPIECE
MYSTERY MEN; K.R. WILL ALSO SHOW VORTEX OF VERTIGINOUS VIDEOS; TWO & A
HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS; COMING SOON: THE BLACKLIGHT BALL SEEKS BODIES
FOR COMBUSTIBLE FUN; THE 5TH ANNUAL MILLION BUNNY MARCH: SIGN UP FOR
HIPPITY-HOP TO NEW SOCIAL AWARENESS; WATCH FOR THE DELIGHT OF THE DARK
ROOM'S BAD MOVIE NIGHT; - ANNOUNCEMENT: LOST SOX & HARD KNOX: MAKE TRAX
TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS; NOW, AT LAST, YOU CAN
COME RIGHT IN AND GET IT (THE BOOK, THAT IS) DURING "DR. HAL" AT THE
ODEON - ULTRA-RARE GOTHICK, GORY, GROTESQUE & GREWSOME HIDEOUS MONSTER
HILARIOUS HORROR COMIC BOOK ALSO FOR SALE: ONLY A FEW LEFT - SOME OF
OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: COCONUT TRANSFUSIONS, DONKEY FATALITIES,
BRAND-NAME SUPREMACY, DUCKS BAFFLE SCIENCE, COWS GO UPSTAIRS (BUT NOT
DOWNSTAIRS), THE ANALLY TALENTED TURTLE - DISCLAIMER
Delicate, Dainty Dinosaurs Chitter and Squeak...
This coming Wednesday, you can still attend the award-winning (in the
Bay Guardian) night club act, the Ask Dr. Hal show. Everything will
change soon, but for now there's still a show happening at the
quasi-legendary, secretly famous Odeon Bar, San Francisco's Variety
Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. at Valencia. We'll feature another
scientific, educational presentation we like to call, "When Diminutive
Dinosaurs Attack Tedium!" Alternate title: "When Dainty, Dandified
Nano-Dinos Ramp up Robust Recreational Opportunities!" but we like the
first one better. Nomenclatural niceties aside, this is the third and
final K-Rob edit to showcase, in thrilling stop-motion animation, the
Noble Art, culled from the more exciting moments of a certain
long-cancelled (but still more than fondly remembered) "children's"
show of the vanished 1980's hosted by a beloved, though accused and
convicted Onanist, who will soon rise Phoenix-like from his own ashes,
if your Editor may here wax prophetical, with two new full-length
motion pictures (Thanks and a tip of the old Dr. Hal mortarboard to
Sadie Lune of S.F.'s D.R.S. for this earth-shaking bit of critical
intelligence). Well sir, in previous installments we've seen
rough-hewn, lantern-jawed cowboys get the best of prehistoric beasts
(see, for example, the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IV, No. 7). But now, at
least for the time being, we take a break from such animal abuse with
the delicate, domesticated "dino-ettes" within Pee-Wee's walls. And
there's none of that tiresome roaring and stomping we've all seen
before. No, instead they frisk and frolic, imparting a lightsome feel,
for a change, to this traditionally grim segment. They mug and shrug,
whirling and twirling. Watch them as they prance and preen, wiggling
and wobbling. I tell you, nobody else on Mission St. below Cesar Chavez
(the street) ever even dreams of offering something like this as
late-night, cosmopolitan entertainment served up in a sophisticated
atmosphere of intellection, inebriation and flirtation. Ladies and
Gentlemen! Messieurs et Mesdames, meinen Damen und Herren, Signore e
Signori, Pani e Pane-- your attention, please! This exquisite
exhibition of reptilian recreation is but a meager part of our bill.
Leading off the evening's festivities, a sardonic ambience will prevail
at the Odeon...
...and Chris Carney leads the Bill!
Chris Carney. That's right: that Chris Carney. Digital Manipulator,
Prurient Prestidigitator, Risqué Raconteur-- all these things and more,
he's a whirlwind of misdirection, misanthropy and mise en scene. Mr.
Chris Carney will bring the Spirit of the Midway to the Odeon. Now how
about that for sophisticated late-night showmanship? Not too shabby,
eh? But that's a far cry from all we've got. Here's an announcement.
You've read in these pages of K-Rob's Film Farm (see below). For a
trial period, starting this Wednesday, Film Farm showings are now
abruptly moved from Thursdays to Wednesdays. Here's the slapdown:
K-ROB FILM PROGRAM SHIFTS TO WED. NITE
San Francisco - (A.D.H.) "K-Rob's Film Farm," boffo boho guilty
pleasure open secret for film fans
keeps 'em guessing with surprise jump to mid-week. So scenesters
conclude as the ultra-hip
outré fab film fest flip-flops to fronting for the Ask Dr. Hal phenom
at the Odeon. "It's just the
same," the reclusive showman insisted to Your Reporter. "Chicken's, I
mean we're, trying out
the move, the same show, just a day earlier," he added. So there you
have it, folks, it's legit.
We'll see if Thurs. nite to Wed. Nite makes a diff. And that's up to
all of you, as we see it here.
So now, in a sense, the whole megilla, the entire Dr. Hal marathon
really commences at 7:00 PM, when K-Rob's movies start to roll. 7-9:
the movie show (in this case Mystery Men and short subjects). After
this comes that indefinite period, an hour or so long, called "the
break." Then, get ready for our Opening Act (in this case Chris
Carney). After that expect the bi-weekly
Deep Space Exploration Report
from top scientist Pete Goldie. View more of the hitherto concealed
Outer Worlds on Dr. Goldie's watch. This Wednesday, courtesy of his
robot friends in space, Pete will take you on a terrifying tour of the
Ice-Burbling Volcanoes of Enceledus. (It's cold out there!) Bring a
sweater. So we're promising a full bill of thrills on the 16th. A
rumbling juggernaut, beginning with K-Rob's movie magic, hopping to
Chris Karney, shuttling to Pete Goldie, and then-- Well, I, Dr. Howland
Owll, promise that during the course of our entirely interactive
presentation, each and every one of your questions shall be answered.
Chicken will perform the Monologue. K-Rob will produce his video and
audio wonders. The bar will be open, with luscious Ena serving. A
memorable time will be had by all. And please take note of this: the
whole thing, movies, show and all, see, is
COMPLETELY FREE!
Believe it! We offer no cover, no charge to those bon vivants and
demimondaines who rendezvous at the Odeon to take in our show, despite
all the irreplaceable, precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact, we
spend in the "set-up," getting it all ready just for you. See for
yourself-- or just come in for a tête-à-tête with your date or mate, in
a comfortable hangout hideaway we provide. Enjoy the final days of an
era. Don't be a Doubting Thomas-- Discretion we promise. Our lips will
be sealed. What happens at the O. stays there. Of course, your
"assignation" still just might show up later in The Dr. Hal Report (and
from there to tribe.net) as a hot, scorching item in the next section,
the section called...
Social Notes
Last time, Ask Dr. Hal followed the exhibition of Mark Bodé's hour-long
Kartoon Koncert, Adults-Only entertainment from a graphic arts
perspective. We showed (an excerpt from) Dr. Hal's recent appearance on
G4TV. This was on behalf of Half-Life II, the computer game from Valve
Software. And as Fate would have it, Scott Dalton, Level Designer for
Valve was in the house. Scott and Josie Nutter, visiting our state and
city for a cyber-game industry convention, took in the Dr. Hal
extravaganza... The rumbustious crowd also included artist and
cartoonist Paul Mavrides, whose "Care Dog Meets Pee Bear" contributed
one of the hi-lites of Mark B.'s show. With him was the glamorous Mimi
Heft, seated near Negativland's Mark Hosler. Besides Mr. H., other
musicians of note were present, including Lloyd Mongoloid, Sean Kelly
and Blue Öyster Cult songmeister (and Panther Moderns lead singer)
"cyberpunk"/horror author/screenwriter John Shirley, who brought along
scion Perry... Duncan D'nuts, Alex O'Leary, Joe "Cheese" Romano,
inscrutable Charlie Gee (and Kilroy was here, too) mixed and mingled
with the likes of Marc Roper, scholar/archivist D.S. Black, and
promoter David Kaye. Mark and Molly Bodé stayed for the rest of Dr. Hal
(and did some networking-- Mark, a tattooist, secured a few
commissions) while Josh the Orange Box Man scribbled asides and side
notes. A bevy of beauties included Roccoco Risqué's elegant Elizabeth
Millican, who directed and acted in the recent Danzhaus revue, striking
sirens Kate Osborne and Kai Miller, the multi-talented Krista Bray,
Power Tool Drag Races Flag Girl Katy Bell, Edie Harbaugh, who made her
way to the O. despite experiencing the final stages of
de-toenailification, the wholly Holy Hemptress, an aquatic temptress,
and tender bartender Jenner. Jascha Ephraim ran the tech, David Capurro
a.k.a. Yo-Yo Pro plumbed the Collective Unconscious of the Internet
with illustrations as the show went forward, and Ena dealt with swarms
of thirsty barflies. KQED reporter Emily Meehan was back for more--
when's your report on the show coming out, Emily? Let's hope it does
while there still is a show... A skiing accident kept the usually
reliable Dr. Philo Drummond from joining us this week; his knee was
more twisted than his SubGenius nature... Kaosmic Kitty, who never came
back from the Chicken John Mexican Odyssey (see the Dr. Hal Report,
Vol. IV, Nos. 5, 6, 7 etc.) is reportedly having the time of her life
down there, frolicking with fish as she kayaks over the phosphorescent
ocean. Now they call her Kaosmex Kitty, I kid you not... Old-time Odeon
fellow-traveller (and belligerati member) Geekboy went under the knife
last Sunday for an emergency appendectomy. And he was home the next
day. They sure have that appendix out thing down these days-- major
surgery, now it's practically an outpatient procedure... Pete Goldie
will be tiling up a storm for another client, we hear. He dabbles in
the Mysteries of Science, he repairs midget trailers, and he also tiles
bathrooms. See details of de tiles at < lbin.com/tiling > if you don't
believe me. He also just finished a Messier marathon. In this,
astronomers travel throughout one night, shifting their telescopes to
observe those remote celestial phenomena, the Messier objects,
far-distant galaxies and nebulae. The Dr. Hal Report has learned that
"Doc" Goldie scored a sighting of 86 (out of 110) of these messy but
remote splatters of our curious universe. Those are the latest scoops.
Now, you can help me out, folks, with my information gathering. Come
on, autograph K-Rob's Sign-Up Sheet on the dotted line. Then I can get
your John Hancock into this column, see? If I misspell your name, a
hideous solecism, it'll then be because you did it. That familiar old
K-Rob Sheet-- it's always at the front of the stage, stuck there firmly
with Scotch tape. After the show, before I leave I un-stick it, tearing
it somewhat, take it home and use it to write this column. That's the
way it works. So do your part; help me monitor your moniker-- or be
forever left off the page...
Out and About: Last Sun. I stopped in at the housewarming for Ena &
Anna's new digs. Rumor has it that the place above theirs, sharing the
same great back yd. is up for rental. I'm sure they'd prefer to keep it
"in the family--" anybody interested? Later the party moved to the O.
where Zoli crooned to the musical strains from uber-femmes Linda
Robertson & Francine Bennett who make up Nice Pants. Ending a marathon
impromptu Variety Show, one of the last ones ever in the old Odeon, in
which I got to play a minor part, Loop Station carried the eve to its
close, as chanteuse Robin Coomer and Sam Bass gave the crowd the encore
they asked for...
Special Feature: SEE the Ask Dr. Hal Show-- Right Now! Just for those
Dr. Hal Show fans who may be distressed that they must wait until March
16th to see it all, The Dr. Hal Report now provides some relief-- the
opportunity, thanks to Laughing Squid's Master Tentacle Scott Beale, to
view (images of) the show in all its glory. Check out Scott's photos by
following this link:
http://laughingsquid.org/photos/dr_hal_021605/
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a
cornucopia of related happenings pouring forth from the same Horn of
Plenty as are we, presented as a public service by the Dr. Hal Report,
which is responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the
following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's WEDNESDAY Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob's movie show now runs on
Wednesdays. It was always spiritually a part of the Ask Dr. Hal show;
now it's physically linked by being the first attraction on Dr. Hal
Night at the Odeon. Here's what we suggest: come in at 7 PM and see the
movies. Then, during the "break" (see above) you might want to go out
and get some of the great food the nabe offers. You won't have to go
far. You can even bring it back to the club and eat it there-- we're
not fussy. Then take in the rest of the show. You know, they say K-Rob
the Great is, among other things, a showman and exhibitor, and he's
many times proved it at the Odeon with his dynamic displays of Video
Editing, not to mention additionally at such far flung venues as, say,
the deeply troubling "SubGenius" 3-Day & Night Outdoor Movie Festival
and Nude Humiliation/Potlatch-- remember that? back in May of last year
(see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). How the time fries... And
watch for notice of another one of these fulsome cinematic endurance
contests the same perpetrators are indeed plotting to put on now that
the Spring is here-- it'll be next month. Watch for the details in this
space. Anyhoo, it's like this-- each Wednesday-- not Thursday, K-Rob'
runs this Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE, FREE, FREE! Cm'on--
when even a daytime matinée in this stuck-up burg costs, at best, a
painful, wallet-whipping $7.50, where else can you go for a free
frickin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with both bon
vivant K-Rob and easy-on-the-eyes Ena, and order hard liquor, an
amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pour out with the
popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through
9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole
Tostada Grande. This week it's.. Mystery Men (1999). To its many fans,
this remains the greatest superhero movie ever made. Unlike The
Incredibles, it's all live action-- and the cast!
Hank Azaria as The Blue Raja, Janeane Garofalo as The Bowler, William
H. Macy as The Shoveller, Paul "Pee Wee" Reubens as The Spleen,
Geoffrey Rush as Casanova Frankenstein, Ben Stiller in the role of Mr.
Furious, and Tom Waits as Dr. Heller stand out... Directed by Kinka
Usher. 121 laff-packed minutes. With Eddie Izzard and Louise Lasser.
Really, isn't it about time you started coming to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. Deranged "edits" segue into a cascade of echoing glossolaliac
madness, the voicing of lyric ruminations from the free-falling brains
of disintegrating personalities. And some people, demented individuals,
obsessively record every word and squealing sound effect. Of course,
you may just hate it. But maybe not. After all, Flag Team siren Kelek
Stevenson actually did tell me she listens to our jocund low-life
antics, our japes and jocularities. I hope it's true, for I can think
of no better reason for doing the show. So there. And, if you're up,
why not give it a try? Maybe you could even, you know, call in (after
4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much, much more accessible time, now on Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on
SF Liberation Radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll
elevate you with his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist
pleasure) and now on Saturdays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio
87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression programming. Gronk! K.R.,
broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre, promises to
play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed at our other
shows, all you Dr. Hal attendees. If you can stand to smell the smoke,
see the flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is the show for you.
Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- get in the habit. See what all the
shouting is about.
One Night Only
"Blacklight Ball: Light Art Festival & Dance Celebration"-- Saturday,
May 14th, at Studio Z, 314 11th St. at Folsom, S.F. With Mysdom Giant
Glow Puppet Theatre and the BORG2 Symphony of Art Disasters. A benefit
to help rebuild the MYSDOM Traveling Theatre and the BORG2 Art
Movement. The incredible one night of the year where Bay Area Light
Artists host their own luminous celebration. All light artists
(Painters, Sculptors, Kinetic Work, Image Projection, Shadow Work, LED,
EL Wire, Neon, and others) are invited to show their work alongside
Light Performers (Light spinners, Light Poi, Hoopers, Stilt walkers,
Jugglers, Dancers, Music acts, and Fashion Fantasies) for an evening of
flashing, flaring, fire arts and light festivities. The "theme?"
ILLUMINATED DISASTER. That's right. Watch this space for further
details, admission, and so on. 5pm to 8pm will be the Artist
Reception-- your chance to meet and greet the artists. Lectures,
discussions and demonstrations. From 8pm and on past 3am, join in the
Dance Celebration, merging your identities in the ecstasy of rhythmic
movement. Multiple performances, Fashion Shows, two rooms with 2 DJs,
and of course more. 21 and over, please. Be prepared to show ID. Call
Studio Z: (415) 252-7666 and also check out www.StudioZ.tv if you would
like to get involved. Plan to bring or make art, do performances or
just volunteer. Go ahead and contact:
blacklightball@yahoo.com
Join:
http://blacklightball.tribe.net
"5th Anniversary Bunny Jam"-- Sunday, March 26th-- 8PM till 6AM at some
yet-to-be-announced "East Bay Location." This is $teven Ra$pa's big
event every year, and yes, it involves wearing a rabbit costume to some
degree. These are the gradations in the ascending intensity of
participation: $10.00 in full bunny-suited drag, $15.00 for partial
bunnification; $20.00 to attend in mundane, drab and non-bunnied
apparel. Someone asked me, "is this a, you know, er, "furry" event?"
Well, yes and no. You can't convince me that those folks don't get some
degree of sexual stimulation by parading in public in bunny rabbit
attire. And is it ever popular! "Bunnies are hopping and flying in from
all over the country to celebrate as only bunnies can!" Ra$pa has
announced. "If interested in contributing 100% bunny art of some kind,"
he continues, "doing a featured bunny performance in the Golden Carrot
Cabaret, or bunnifying in some way, let me know RIGHT AWAY! We are
having a walk-through of the space on Saturday, March 25th at 2pm for
those bringing art and helping to create the secret portal to enter the
glorious gates of (drum roll, please!)... BunnyHOPolis!" All right, all
right. The appeal of the whole thing may be opaque to many, but I'll
say this. It's bizarre, but civilized. You see, when you're in that
bunny suit, you're not likely to start a fist fight. Watch these pages
for more details as they, ah, "hop" in...
Coming Soon
"Bad Movie Night" -- At The Dark Room Theatre, Mission St. between 18th
& 19th, S.F. Sundays at 8PM, starting March 27th-- continuing Sundays
through April (3rd, 10th, 17th, 24th) Remember TV's Mystery Science
Theatre? The show where they ran those awful cheesy science fiction
movies and had a bunch of jokers seen in silhouette commenting on them
all through the picture? Remember? Huh? Huh? Sure you do. It was great
fun, kind of like watching badfilm with your own wise-guy friends...
Well, now the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre is going to provide
just that experience-- Ty plans to screen a rancid classic each week,
and sure enough there'll be a group of wiseacres in the front row
yakking it up on the microphone to add to the general hilarity. But let
her tell it: "Here's the deal-- I have a list of bad movies from the
home office in Flint, MI-- and we'll screen one a week and four of us
will host, which means we sit in the front row of the audience and
wisecrack into the mic. We hope this will encourage the audience to
join in. Popcorn and snacks will be provided. And the hosts even get
paid! This will be a weekly event if we can get it rolling, and we're
committed to paying the hosts even if no one shows, which of course
won't happen. I'm figuring we'll get a rotating roster of about 10
peeps and schedule 3-4 hosts per show. Compensation will come in the
way of 2 comps per host and at least $15-$20 a night per host, more
depending on the door. I'm also thinking that the flick could be
available to those who wish to preview it for notes and ideas. However,
you are welcome to wing it. So come on and give it a try, it won't cost
us nuthin' and we'll all have some laffs. If you are interested in
participating, please plan to attend one of the two following meetings:
Tuesday, March 22nd or Wednesday, March 23rd, at 7:00 PM. Drop us an
e-mail and let us know which of the Sunday show dates you would like to
perform in: March 27th, April 3rd, April 10th, April 17th or April
24th." For more, contact Dark Room Honcho Jim Fourniadis at
jim@darkroomsf.com or that well-known
troublemaker Ty at ty@darkroomsf.com
High-Flown Liter'ry Announcement
Just for the record I'll say here, since I guess you all know it by
now, or ought to, that I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The
Meaning of Lost and Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is Frog, Ltd.
(North Atlantic Books). But now I'm happy to proclaim that for a trial
period which started three weeks ago but is almost over, Duncan D'nuts
is helping me to be able to sell it at the Odeon! I personally will
sell you a copy and, if you choose, autograph and inscribe each one.
We'll see how it works out. There are still three or four of this batch
left. The book was devised, penned, indexed, and packed with
illustrations by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus
Pedale, M.D., Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. In it, I
finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard of Ass"
out in the desert some years ago under the stars of Black Rock, as
Chicken reminded me in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to
answering all questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer,
as in this case. Warning: this book costs a cool $9.95, but all books
are expensive these days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have
written a "squaresville" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my
already savaged & ravaged reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if
you really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why
don't you, by stepping right up and getting this book directly from me.
And if you like it, you might want to get my next book, Dinosaur
Alphabet (which I ought to be working on right now instead of writing
this, now in endless-seeming preparation). But first things first.
Acquire Lost Socks from me personally at the bar. Or do it the hard(er)
way-- order it from somewhere else and bring it to the bar-- ISBN
number 1-58394-097-9, paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm
working on now, will be a hardback, when I get it finished-- I'm aiming
for the Fall 2005 season-- wish me luck!). Also available in many
bookstores, I suppose (on my Hallowe'en trip to N.Y.C. last year I saw
they were carrying it at Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. The
profit margin will be slim, but we'll see how it all works out. Help an
impoverished author (that's me) this leeched-out pre-Easter season. I'm
going to have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my
royalties to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher.
I guess I need an agent. Remember, buy it at the bar and I'll sign it,
exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise. Also, I still
have a few copies of my grisly EC-style Horror Comic Book, Grave Yarns,
which I drew in 1999, left to sell at $8 a pop (cheap, considering the
scarcity). I can autograph those, too-- personalizing them-- but when
they're gone, they're gone. Of course, you can still get them from the
publisher, but what good does that do me?
Some of Our Favorite Questions
"Dr. Hal, is there a ready-made substitute for blood plasma?" Why, yes.
If you happen to be on a tropical island, remember that the liquid
inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute."Dr. Hal, what kills
more people than plane crashes every year?" Lots of things, if we go
world-wide. Donkeys, for example. I'm not kidding-- don't ever stand
behind one. "What are the three biggest brand names on Earth? "
Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order. "Is there any sound
that doesn't echo?" Yes, since you ask, the quack of a duck. No one
knows why. "How come when there's a flood on TV they always show a cow
on some roof?" Cows can easily be persuaded to look after their own
best interests, even by perfidious humans. The major problem comes
along after the flood. You see, a cow will let you lead her upstairs,
but not downstairs. "Hey, Dr. Hal, are there any creatures who can
breathe through their anuses?" The answer-- sigh... is yes. The
talented animal in question: the common mud-turtle. And you can't. If
you have a question for me, I, Dr. Howland Owll, have an answer for
you. See you at the Odeon!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is open to all seekers and thirsters after
Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John permanently boots out
of the bar. Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations
are available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
including all would-be prospective opening act performers, is asked to
present his or her resume, life history, astrological chart, nude
photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen,
pickled punks, tortillas or stained BVDs with miraculous portraits of
Jesus thereon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition
tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation when he
is available. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at
present, to provide (shudder) "relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff
psychological analyses, advise you in legal, medical or personal
matters, critique your poetry, artwork or the manuscript of your novel,
or perform an impromptu phrenological examination. Sorry, I must
refrain from answering questions when "off duty." This is a period and
condition which begins at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts
until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding,
don't come at me with questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not
doing the show. Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no
shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful,
regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics,
crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are
(too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply.
Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block to
attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences.
Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate
entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs.
Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum
grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No
complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole
family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age).
Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided
free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty,
bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific.
Reads tea leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells,
locates missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit
World, knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in
this world and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex
Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your
parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past
Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I
kid you not. Performed each week in former "Clamper" Headquarters, and
haunted by their spirits. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the
most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend.
They really are lovely. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius.
Dobbs Approved. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of
the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head and the contours of the
uncovered female body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns, if
you like giant spiders, crumbling skulls, leering "Horror Hosts,"
improbable, repulsive monsters, the sexual revenge of frustrated
scientists, re-animated walking corpses, the Vengeance of the Dead--
that sort of thing. Brought to you by Camel cigarettes (remember, They
Are Mild-- "I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel"), and by the Miracle Liquor
Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001 A.D.
From now on until Sadhjharnathmasash, the God of Diuturnity, takes down
his shingle, all questions instantly and irrevocably become the
property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken John, and Shick and Hock
Herbal-Jochar Productions. We reserve the right to refuse service to
you and all your kin, reject inappropriate questions and eject
inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and
at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt
our show, you will be "bounced." Although it is not strictly necessary
to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not ensure your
appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted
in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest
possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the
better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates
a so-called "Bardic Recitation." For example, last week's show
concluded with my interpretation of T.S. Eliot's whimsical but
well-observed "Gus, the Theatrical Cat." Too bad if you weren't there,
eh? Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by
an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. I'm getting more of these donated
all the time. The new Sternbergh 8-ball can even speak its reply aloud.
But if it's not a "yes or no" question, this type of answer frankly
doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just
the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you
get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. And if you don't
see what you want, just ask. Better attend now-- the bar's being sold,
and it's all coming to an end. You knew it would happen some day. Time
tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the
weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Rough on Rats. Remembered in
dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living
Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner
anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments. Better than
"The Playboy Advisor," and certainly cheaper. Are you really actually
reading this? You are? Good for you. At least somebody is. We're
obviously not for everybody, but then, as R. Crumb said, not
everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody. Don't let
the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads off at
shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election, vote them
out of office this time. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized!
We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the
teeming Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that
is). Read all instructions (provided) before participating. Drink
responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for
full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love
of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy!
Do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my
book, won't you? It's easy. Get them while they last, at the Odeon,
while it lasts...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB