SubGenius Funeral
Posted by:: "Kevin Cunningham"
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 16:15:57 GMT
--------
A relative of mine finally died at 89 about a week ago. Since then I have
been lugging tons of stuff to the garbage or to the Good Will so they can
take it to the garbage. To say the least this is more that a little
depressing.
As the week went on (and on and on...) I decided that we (translation:
mostly other people) need to have a sUbgEnius funeral.
Drag everything the person owned into the parking lot or street or yard and
build a huge bonfire of everything they owned. Bags and bags of stuff, old
bills, old offers, things they needed to get rid of all up in flames with
them on top! This should be done immediatly on their death or perhaps a bit
in advance. Don't wait! Don't think! Just burn all that crap along with
the recently departed then on to the next devival or what ever.
Rev. Dr. Junior Mints
Anti-Pope of Atlanta
Posted by:: "nu-monet v7.0"
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 10:31:54 -0700
--------
Kevin Cunningham wrote:
>
> Drag everything the person owned into the parking
> lot or street or yard and build a huge bonfire of
> everything they owned.
Oh, that is just wiping the slate clean. Hardly a
fitting tribute. Far too ordinary.
Not too long ago, I suggested a list of things one
can do to make their death far more entertaining.
The reason for this is that, 5 minutes after you
are dead, everybody forgets about you. In some ways
it's a cultural thing--an abhorrence of thinking
about your own death. However, a proper SubGenius
wants to *annoy* everybody by forcing them to think
about death. Make them face their fears, and admit
that you did death, and by extention, life, better
that they did and will.
Examples:
1) An easy one. Prepare envelopes and packages to
be sent to a bunch of different people when you die.
For people you know and like, trinkets that they will
admire and that will help them remember you, and that
they can never, ever throw away without guilt.
For those you know and hate, parthian shots from the
grave, like a paid subscription to the Gay Islamist Nazi
Times, a contribution in their name to the Republican
National Committee, or a fistful of receipts for useless
crap at a pawn shop in another State.
You can also send letters, envelopes and packages
to people you *don't* know, and have never met. And
this could be fun. Maybe a $20M, double-indemnity
life insurance policy that the insurance company
would NEVER pay to a federal judge or a televangelist.
2) Create a dossier on yourself, filled with all sorts
of goodies including photos, mug shots, and implications
that you led a double or triple life. Then hide it
somewhere it won't be found for years. Include utterly
far-fetched conspiracy theories involving well-
known news events. Include some crushed ashes to imply
that it has already been censored.
3) Create a few high-quality looking treasure maps
showing hidden gold on the property of someone rich and
obnoxious. Send them to random people in Hong Kong
without explanation.
4) Disclose a family curse. Something that starts out
fun and good and becomes terrible and painful, while
still being addictive and irresistable. Like dreams
and visions that drive you insane, or gorgeous and
ephemeral succubi that will drain your lifeforce while
giving you the best sex imaginable.
Your family will really appreciate this last one.
--
Be Sure To Visit the 'SubGenius Reverend' Blog:
http://slackoff.blogspot.com/
***********
Rev. nu-monet
Founder and High Priest
Church of Kali, U.S.A. (Reformed)
Posted by:: purple
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 13:41:15 -0500
--------
On 3/6/05 12:31 PM, in article 422B3E8A.50C7@succeeds.com, "nu-monet v7.0"
wrote:
> Kevin Cunningham wrote:
>>
>> Drag everything the person owned into the parking
>> lot or street or yard and build a huge bonfire of
>> everything they owned.
>
> Oh, that is just wiping the slate clean. Hardly a
> fitting tribute. Far too ordinary.
>
> Not too long ago, I suggested a list of things one
> can do to make their death far more entertaining.
>
> The reason for this is that, 5 minutes after you
> are dead, everybody forgets about you. In some ways
> it's a cultural thing--an abhorrence of thinking
> about your own death. However, a proper SubGenius
> wants to *annoy* everybody by forcing them to think
> about death. Make them face their fears, and admit
> that you did death, and by extention, life, better
> that they did and will.
>
> Examples:
>
> 1) An easy one. Prepare envelopes and packages to
> be sent to a bunch of different people when you die.
> For people you know and like, trinkets that they will
> admire and that will help them remember you, and that
> they can never, ever throw away without guilt.
> For those you know and hate, parthian shots from the
> grave, like a paid subscription to the Gay Islamist Nazi
> Times, a contribution in their name to the Republican
> National Committee, or a fistful of receipts for useless
> crap at a pawn shop in another State.
> You can also send letters, envelopes and packages
> to people you *don't* know, and have never met. And
> this could be fun. Maybe a $20M, double-indemnity
> life insurance policy that the insurance company
> would NEVER pay to a federal judge or a televangelist.
>
> 2) Create a dossier on yourself, filled with all sorts
> of goodies including photos, mug shots, and implications
> that you led a double or triple life. Then hide it
> somewhere it won't be found for years. Include utterly
> far-fetched conspiracy theories involving well-
> known news events. Include some crushed ashes to imply
> that it has already been censored.
>
> 3) Create a few high-quality looking treasure maps
> showing hidden gold on the property of someone rich and
> obnoxious. Send them to random people in Hong Kong
> without explanation.
>
> 4) Disclose a family curse. Something that starts out
> fun and good and becomes terrible and painful, while
> still being addictive and irresistable. Like dreams
> and visions that drive you insane, or gorgeous and
> ephemeral succubi that will drain your lifeforce while
> giving you the best sex imaginable.
Yes, I did all that and more.
Oh, by the way, if you miss your next dental appointment, that's it. Kaput.
The Great Bob Dobbs
Posted by:: "nu-monet v7.0"
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 14:15:53 -0700
--------
Bob Dean,
When you follow-up to my threads I,
and you, know it is because you have
not had your medicine. You know that
I want nothing to do with you, and you
also know that as long as you can avoid
posting follow-ups to my threads that
you are "maintaining". So this is your
second warning to take your medicine, or
to contact someone who can help you get
more.
Posted by:: "just john"
Date: 6 Mar 2005 10:57:05 -0800
--------
nu-monet v7.0 wrote:
> 2) Create a dossier on yourself, filled with all sorts
> of goodies including photos, mug shots, and implications
> that you led a double or triple life. Then hide it
> somewhere it won't be found for years. Include utterly
> far-fetched conspiracy theories involving well-
> known news events. Include some crushed ashes to imply
> that it has already been censored.
>
Shit! He's on to what I've been doing here!
--
* Radio Free Entropy: http://just-john.com/cn/rfe.shtml *
Posted by:: Artemia Salina
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 14:42:07 -0500
--------
On Sun, 06 Mar 2005 10:31:54 -0700, nu-monet v7.0 wrote:
> Kevin Cunningham wrote:
>>
>> Drag everything the person owned into the parking
>> lot or street or yard and build a huge bonfire of
>> everything they owned.
>
> Oh, that is just wiping the slate clean. Hardly a
> fitting tribute. Far too ordinary.
>
> Not too long ago, I suggested a list of things one
> can do to make their death far more entertaining.
>
> The reason for this is that, 5 minutes after you
> are dead, everybody forgets about you. In some ways
> it's a cultural thing--an abhorrence of thinking
> about your own death. However, a proper SubGenius
> wants to *annoy* everybody by forcing them to think
> about death. Make them face their fears, and admit
> that you did death, and by extention, life, better
> that they did and will.
I like the idea of getting a self-storage unit just big
enough to put a PC with a voice modem and a cell phone in.
Have it pre-paid or kept paid up via automated bill paying
from a secret account. The computer should be set up with
a program that listens for incoming calls and if it doesn't
hear from you in say, a month, it will begin dialing friends
and family and playing pre-recorded messages that you
left on it before your death.
The idea is that you have to call this computer on a regular
basis to prevent it from running the prank program. Once you
are dead the computer will begin making the calls. The longer
the period between preventative calls the longer the delay
after your death before the PC begins to harass your loved ones.
In order to prevent forgetting to make the preventative calls,
or in the case that you are hospitalized for a long period, you
can set up a computer at home to make the calls automatically.
This way the preventative calls will only stop when your
possessions in your home are removed (presumably by family
after your death).
The messages should be kept brief yet easily recognizable as
being only from you. Perhaps mentioning secrets shared by only
you and your victims. Actually, embarrassing secrets would be the
most fun, because the victims would be too ashamed to talk about
the call to others.
--
0:-) 0:-) 0:-) 0:-) (-:0 (-:0 (-:0 (-:0
0:-) Artemia Salina (-:0
0:-) Surrounded by Angels (-:0
0:-) 0:-) 0:-) 0:-) (-:0 (-:0 (-:0 (-:0
Posted by:: Baldin Pramer
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 16:05:14 -0700
--------
nu-monet v7.0 wrote:
> Kevin Cunningham wrote:
>
>>Drag everything the person owned into the parking
>>lot or street or yard and build a huge bonfire of
>>everything they owned.
>
>
> Oh, that is just wiping the slate clean. Hardly a
> fitting tribute. Far too ordinary.
>
> Not too long ago, I suggested a list of things one
> can do to make their death far more entertaining.
>
> The reason for this is that, 5 minutes after you
> are dead, everybody forgets about you.
Unless you are a cat. Then every little hairball, every turd, every
chunk of dried vomit you find over the next few months reminds you of
pussy. Sniffle.
--
Sir Baldin Pramer, R.P.A.
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 05:39:08 GMT
--------
In article <422B3E8A.50C7@succeeds.com>,
"nu-monet v7.0" wrote:
> Examples:
>
> 1) An easy one. Prepare envelopes and packages to
> be sent to a bunch of different people when you die.
> For people you know and like, trinkets that they will
> admire and that will help them remember you, and that
> they can never, ever throw away without guilt.
> For those you know and hate, parthian shots from the
> grave, like a paid subscription to the Gay Islamist Nazi
> Times, a contribution in their name to the Republican
> National Committee, or a fistful of receipts for useless
> crap at a pawn shop in another State.
> You can also send letters, envelopes and packages
> to people you *don't* know, and have never met. And
> this could be fun. Maybe a $20M, double-indemnity
> life insurance policy that the insurance company
> would NEVER pay to a federal judge or a televangelist.
>
> 2) Create a dossier on yourself, filled with all sorts
> of goodies including photos, mug shots, and implications
> that you led a double or triple life. Then hide it
> somewhere it won't be found for years. Include utterly
> far-fetched conspiracy theories involving well-
> known news events. Include some crushed ashes to imply
> that it has already been censored.
>
> 3) Create a few high-quality looking treasure maps
> showing hidden gold on the property of someone rich and
> obnoxious. Send them to random people in Hong Kong
> without explanation.
>
> 4) Disclose a family curse. Something that starts out
> fun and good and becomes terrible and painful, while
> still being addictive and irresistable. Like dreams
> and visions that drive you insane, or gorgeous and
> ephemeral succubi that will drain your lifeforce while
> giving you the best sex imaginable.
>
> Your family will really appreciate this last one.
FEWER POSTS ON GODDAMNED POLITICS, MORE LIKE THIS ONE, PLEASE.
After all I have an attention span with the half-life of a quark. I need
entertaining. Entertain Huey, keep the RODS in, y'know what'm sayin',
DAWG? AAAOOOOOOOW
--
HellPope Huey
Floating On A Raft Of Bizarre Circumstance
In A Sea Of Grotesque Choices
The longer I live,
the larger allowances
I make for human infirmities.
- John Wesley
"If a fully grown adult
in reasonable control of his faculties
wants to plunge a syringe full of lighter fluid
into his urethra and piss fire,
as long as he does it in the privacy
of his own asbestos bathroom,
I will flick the Bic."
- Dennis Miller, "I Rant, Therefore I Am"
Posted by:: "frater S.O.D.D.I."
Date: 6 Mar 2005 10:02:28 -0800
--------
Kevin Cunningham wrote:
> As the week went on (and on and on...) I decided that we
(translation:
> mostly other people) need to have a sUbgEnius funeral.
When certain people in certain neighborhoods have worn out their
sneakers and gotten new ones, they tie the laces together and heave
them over the nearest street lamp or power line. These "Brooklyn
Chandeliers" decorate neighborhoods all over the U.S.
The deceased's possessions should be tied together in twos and heaved
over various public amenities. This could be particularly amusing with
heavy pieces of furniture.
Posted by:: polar bear
Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 20:30:08 -0800
--------
In article <11GWd.3545$603.2567@newsread2.news.atl.earthlink.net>,
"Kevin Cunningham" wrote:
> A relative of mine finally died at 89 about a week ago. Since then I have
> been lugging tons of stuff to the garbage or to the Good Will so they can
> take it to the garbage. To say the least this is more that a little
> depressing.
>
> As the week went on (and on and on...) I decided that we (translation:
> mostly other people) need to have a sUbgEnius funeral.
>
> Drag everything the person owned into the parking lot or street or yard and
> build a huge bonfire of everything they owned. Bags and bags of stuff, old
> bills, old offers, things they needed to get rid of all up in flames with
> them on top! This should be done immediatly on their death or perhaps a bit
> in advance. Don't wait! Don't think! Just burn all that crap along with
> the recently departed then on to the next devival or what ever.
>
This reminds me of a story I read years ago about some crazy old cat
lady who died alone and unloved in her rundown home. When they went
through her things, they found a chest of drawers where the drawer
bottoms had been lined with old stock and bond certificates from the
1929 crash. Most of them were worthless, but a few had survived or
been taken over. In short, she was worth several million dollars.
Now, that would have bought a lot of cat food.
Lesson. Don't throw it out till you're sure what it is. If you can't
get to the Antique Road Show, for Bob's sake, take it to a dealer.
One example of valuable shit that regularly gets tossed out: Old
licence plates. Try and find an original set of plates in good
condition for an antique or classic car you're restoring, and you'll
soon see what I mean.
And while I have your attention, check out my all time favorite licence
plates: http://www.15q.net/nwt.html
pb
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 05:42:00 GMT
--------
I'd like to have my bloated corpse, like, catapaulted to or dropped on
the spot most likely to cause the largest number of people to scream and
puke. Extra points if you wait until I am so bloated, I pop on impact.
You'd not believe it, but I have some very nice dreams; I only post the
HORRIFIC moments here. POP!!
--
HellPope Huey
Floating On A Raft Of Bizarre Circumstance
In A Sea Of Grotesque Choices
The longer I live,
the larger allowances
I make for human infirmities.
- John Wesley
"If a fully grown adult
in reasonable control of his faculties
wants to plunge a syringe full of lighter fluid
into his urethra and piss fire,
as long as he does it in the privacy
of his own asbestos bathroom,
I will flick the Bic."
- Dennis Miller, "I Rant, Therefore I Am"
Posted by:: "Marcus Evenstar"
Date: Mon, 7 Mar 2005 08:59:30 -0800
--------
In Rev. Dr. Junior Mints [Anti-Pope of Atlanta] posting that started this
thread, he suggested burning all your goods to provide the cremetory fire
and/or entertainment. Others have brought forth other ideas.
However, the Professor and I have the most cunning plan; we are writing a
Last Will & Testament. Choosing an executor, planning the wake, making the
notarized donation document; it's going to generate lots of morbid glee
along with the nervous frission from planning death events. Our
collections of books, toys, media and weird knick-knacks won't are
destined to be found in a thrift shop; we've got friends who've already
made their bids. Then there's the matter of who'd get our house; got two
couples fighting about that already!
Even after our allotments, there'll be enough Stuff for the Final Wake.
It'll be put in big pile and some form of contest will decide who grabs
what. We figure that all the excitement generated by these events will
generate enough Pathos to finalize our Arrangements with The Powers That
Be. It's going to be fun to watch....
Just what is the word for feeling anticipatory joy of the inevitable
sadness of life?
- Marcus "And why am I enjoying it so much?" Evenstar -
--
| MIB 2404 - NW Regional Director | [Site undeveloped] |
| Events Recruitment - Dragonflight XXVI | www.dragonflight.org |
"You can't kill a man for trying to save the human race from Nutrasweet,
Pokemon, and Governor George W. Bush." - Dr. Krigstein