Pre-Pre-X-Day Rant that will change everything
Posted by:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 11 Mar 2005 23:46:52 -0800
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X-Day. Every year, I look forward to it. Every year, I'm out there at
7 AM, looking up at the sky with my little signs that say 'Down here,
Fuckers' and 'I paid my $30'. And every year, what do I get for
my trouble? I get a slap in the face. Nothing. Spit in one hand,
"Bob" in the other, spit one filled up first. But I got a feelin'
that THIS year is gonna be a bit different. I got a feelin' this year
HAS to be different.
See, I got me a burning missive recently from J.R. "Bob" Dobbs in
the form of a candygram. The note attached contained a truth so
HORRIBLE, so VILE and FOUL and UNPLESANT that I guess "Bob" felt he
had to somehow soften the blow by sending some chocolate along with the
death rattle of all life on earth. Let it never be said "Bob" lacks
mercy. Having mercy and showing mercy are two very different things.
So I'm sitting there, eating my chocolates, trying to avoid the ones
that were coconut, because, you know, yuck, and I read the note.
Here's what it said:
"Dr. Casino,
Sorry I missed lunch at Denny's last week. I was busy trying to save
the world, preoccupied on the edge of The Dimension of Doors, prison of
the Elder Gods, which is APPARENTLY not as stable as I would have liked
to have thought."
(For those of you who might not have read your Book of the SubGenius,
the Elder Gods are incredibly powerful entities with horrible plans for
you personally, and they are supposedly locked up in The Dimension of
Doors, which is a lot like that floating album cover that General Zod
was trapped in at the beginning of Superman II.)
"Bob" continues:
"Things aren't looking good here, the Fightin' Jesus has been
holding them at bay at the site of the breech for the past two days
with his Holy Ghost Machine Gun, the one Benny Hind was talking about
that one time. Don't worry about him, he's having the time of his
life shooting at anything that moves and screaming things like "Come
and get it, you alien FUCKS! Come take your medicine and feel
BETTER!" But his once healthy ammo stockpile is dwindling, and his
"never-say-die" exterior is beginning to crack under the pressure.
If (when) the Elder Gods get loose, they'll undoubtedly make a
bee-line for Earth. Right now, we're on the other end of the
Universe, which is big, by the way, so it's gonna take them a while
to get there. But being all-powerful, they have the ability to travel
from point A to point B so FAST that they outrun TIME ITSELF. They will
get to Earth some time in the past. And according to my figures, they
should be getting there on July 5th, 1998.
There it is, the mystery is revealed. That's why it didn't happen
then, but it WILL happen now. I'll try to beat them there, but I
can't make any promises. I ate some bad shellfish recently, and will
undoubtedly need to make some "pit-stops" on the way."
And friends, here it is, here's where "Bob" finally pulled the
wool OFF MY EYES and showed me HOW DEEP IT RUNS.
"If the Elder Gods reach Earth first, they will destroy it. Why?
Stang knows. So does Philo. So does Legume. So does Puzzling Evidence.
Nenslo forgot. Ask them about the JANOR DEVICE. Ask them what it DOES.
What it was MEANT TO DO. The Janor Device is the ONE WEAPON in the
universe that has the FIREPOWER to take out an Elder God in a single
blast. Knowing this, I helped them to "destroy" it in the
mid-70's, the shoot it into the core of the earth, where it will be
destroyed. But what they don't know was that it was never destroyed.
It's still there, and they will try to destroy it before it destroys
them. That's why I made the contract with the Xists in the first
place, to get them to destroy the earth, to crack it open like an egg
so that I could get my hands on the yolk that was the Janor Device and
use it to end their horrible reign once and for all. And THAT is the
TRUE meaning of X-Day. Praize me. Wish me luck.
Signed,
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs"
Posted by:: "Rev. Richard Skull"
Date: 12 Mar 2005 07:26:47 -0800
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Dang!
All "Bob" ever sent me was his lawyer's bills with a note attached
saying "Take care of this for me!"
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 17:31:24 GMT
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In article <1110613612.053549.95240@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com>,
"Paul Casino" wrote:
> "If the Elder Gods reach Earth first, they will destroy it. Why?
> Stang knows. So does Philo. So does Legume. So does Puzzling Evidence.
> Nenslo forgot. Ask them about the JANOR DEVICE. Ask them what it DOES.
> What it was MEANT TO DO. The Janor Device is the ONE WEAPON in the
> universe that has the FIREPOWER to take out an Elder God in a single
> blast. Knowing this, I helped them to "destroy" it in the
> mid-70's, the shoot it into the core of the earth, where it will be
> destroyed. But what they don't know was that it was never destroyed.
> It's still there, and they will try to destroy it before it destroys
> them. That's why I made the contract with the Xists in the first
> place, to get them to destroy the earth, to crack it open like an egg
> so that I could get my hands on the yolk that was the Janor Device and
> use it to end their horrible reign once and for all. And THAT is the
> TRUE meaning of X-Day. Praize me. Wish me luck.
Don't you just love it when the fresh-&-dewy junior Subs are all
excited and still think the Janor Device is a super-weapon instead of a
stained cardboard box that bears the scent of overripe bananaaaaas?
--
HellPope Huey
Former keyboardist for Bleeding Gums Murphy
Inside your head,
there's a record playing,
saying hold on
- Tom Waits, "Hold On"
"A monkey with a gun
would make a great TV show."
- "That 70s Show"
Posted by:: Eddie Vroom
Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 23:36:17 GMT
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HellPope Huey wrote:
> Don't you just love it when the fresh-&-dewy junior Subs are all
> excited and still think the Janor Device is a super-weapon instead of a
> stained cardboard box that bears the scent of overripe bananaaaaas?
As I understand it, the Janor Device was a Perpetual Motion Machine
built shortly before the time of the Philadelphia Experiment. One that
appeared to work, until to the horror of the those involved, it was
found to have been drawing energy from the Earth's magnetic fields in
such a way that it destabilized the Earth's core. This is why the U.S.
Department of Defense made the move away from magnetic compasses for
navigation, developing LORAN, then GPS.
The Philadelphia Experiment, the tests at Trinity, and most large EMP
events have, in fact, been attempts to reverse the damage. Those having
failed, we're all going to DIE in the "fire" of cosmic radiation when
the poles finally collapse in 2012. It's somewhat common knowledge
they've already split and begun migrating.
Have a nice day.
--
How's this for a punchline: I wasn't joking, motherfucker!
the Mystical RevvedErrand Doktor Eddie Vroom
Certified God by the holy authority of
the White Lotus Fortune Cookie Company
June 23, 2004
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 01:08:52 GMT
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In article ,
Eddie Vroom wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
>
> > Don't you just love it when the fresh-&-dewy junior Subs are all
> > excited and still think the Janor Device is a super-weapon instead of a
> > stained cardboard box that bears the scent of overripe bananaaaaas?
>
> As I understand it, the Janor Device was a Perpetual Motion Machine
> built shortly before the time of the Philadelphia Experiment. One that
> appeared to work, until to the horror of the those involved, it was
> found to have been drawing energy from the Earth's magnetic fields in
> such a way that it destabilized the Earth's core. This is why the U.S.
> Department of Defense made the move away from magnetic compasses for
> navigation, developing LORAN, then GPS.
>> The Philadelphia Experiment, the tests at Trinity, and most large EMP
> events have, in fact, been attempts to reverse the damage. Those having
> failed, we're all going to DIE in the "fire" of cosmic radiation when
> the poles finally collapse in 2012. It's somewhat common knowledge
> they've already split and begun migrating.
>> Have a nice day.
Now, now, calm down. Your problem is two 100 mica capacitors on the
output stage. They have failed and taken out two fuse resistors, value 1
ohm. The board positions are R79, R78 and C30, C29. If you replace these
capacitors, your ability to kill freely will be back up to its usual
peak efficiency and you'll stop wallowing in JanorLore. That'll be a $30
bench charge, bucko.
--
HellPope Huey
Former keyboardist for Bleeding Gums Murphy
Inside your head,
there's a record playing,
saying hold on
- Tom Waits, "Hold On"
"A monkey with a gun
would make a great TV show."
- "That 70s Show"
Posted by:: Hilbert Hooper Aspaspia
Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 02:43:26 GMT
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HellPope Huey wrote in
news:Grinningbastard-06781B.19095612032005@news1.west.earthlink.net:
> In article ,
> Eddie Vroom wrote:
>> HellPope Huey wrote:
>>
>> > Don't you just love it when the fresh-&-dewy junior Subs are all
>> > excited and still think the Janor Device is a super-weapon instead
>> > of a stained cardboard box that bears the scent of overripe
>> > bananaaaaas?
>>
>> As I understand it, the Janor Device was a Perpetual Motion Machine
>> built shortly before the time of the Philadelphia Experiment. One
>> that appeared to work, until to the horror of the those involved, it
>> was found to have been drawing energy from the Earth's magnetic
>> fields in such a way that it destabilized the Earth's core. This is
>> why the U.S. Department of Defense made the move away from magnetic
>> compasses for navigation, developing LORAN, then GPS.
>>> The Philadelphia Experiment, the tests at Trinity, and most large
>>> EMP
>> events have, in fact, been attempts to reverse the damage. Those
>> having failed, we're all going to DIE in the "fire" of cosmic
>> radiation when the poles finally collapse in 2012. It's somewhat
>> common knowledge they've already split and begun migrating.
>>> Have a nice day.
>
> Now, now, calm down. Your problem is two 100 mica capacitors on the
> output stage. They have failed and taken out two fuse resistors, value
> 1 ohm. The board positions are R79, R78 and C30, C29. If you replace
> these capacitors, your ability to kill freely will be back up to its
> usual peak efficiency and you'll stop wallowing in JanorLore. That'll
> be a $30 bench charge, bucko.
>
Good luck. There's usually a dead short across the metal oxide varistor
and the zener diode on the + bus will also be fried. You know, you
should replace ALL the parts as supplied in the #13013 repair kit.
I saw my first Janor Device in a pallet of assorted electronic scrap at
a DOD auction in Lakehurst. That one had vacuum tubes, it must have been
one of the domestic models. The transformers alone must have weighed
about 60 lbs.
> --
>
> HellPope Huey
> Former keyboardist for Bleeding Gums Murphy
>
> Inside your head,
> there's a record playing,
> saying hold on
> - Tom Waits, "Hold On"
>
> "A monkey with a gun
> would make a great TV show."
> - "That 70s Show"
Posted by:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 12 Mar 2005 19:04:17 -0800
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>Now, now, calm down. Your problem is two 100 mica capacitors on the
>output stage. They have failed and taken out two fuse resistors, value
1
>ohm. The board positions are R79, R78 and C30, C29. If you replace
these
>capacitors, your ability to kill freely will be back up to its usual
>peak efficiency and you'll stop wallowing in JanorLore. That'll be a
$30
>bench charge, bucko.
Yeah, that's great if you live in Europe. You're taking about a region
2 Janor Device, this sucker was Made in the USA, that's what the
sticker on the side of it SAID. You try and shove a 100 mica capacitor
in a region 1 socket and you'll blow half the fuses on the concussion
grenade launcher and burn your face off. Good for a laugh, not good for
saving everything that has ever existed. No, what you need to do is
install one of them 295 hemi-dual routers behind the power couplings,
but for fuck's sake, make sure you're not grounded when you actually
plug it in, otherwise you're in for a nasty shock that'll boil your
ball-gravy and make your eyes bug out of your skull.
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 21:27:05 GMT
--------
In article <1110683057.420085.79870@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
"Paul Casino" wrote:
> Yeah, that's great if you live in Europe. You're taking about a region
> 2 Janor Device, this sucker was Made in the USA, that's what the
> sticker on the side of it SAID. You try and shove a 100 mica capacitor
> in a region 1 socket and you'll blow half the fuses on the concussion
> grenade launcher and burn your face off. Good for a laugh, not good for
> saving everything that has ever existed. No, what you need to do is
> install one of them 295 hemi-dual routers behind the power couplings,
> but for fuck's sake, make sure you're not grounded when you actually
> plug it in, otherwise you're in for a nasty shock that'll boil your
> ball-gravy and make your eyes bug out of your skull.
"Boil my ball-gravy?" Huh... in all my years of talking about a
microwave pistol, that's not a term that came up, but it would sure
describe the intended use. Great t-shirt idea as well: "Get the hell
away from me or I'll boil your ball-gravy!" Yep, its a good thing.
--
HellPope Huey ~ Creator of "Slack-A-Mole"
Darned humans:
Great on the sprint,
Lousy over the long haul
If you embrace sloth,
its the last thing you ever have to do again.
~ Wendy Wasserstein
"You know you're a workaholic
when you're so pale from sitting in the office
that people keep telling you
they loved you in 'Powder.'"
~ Dennis Miller,
"I Rant, Therefore I Am"
Posted by:: brthrn@dangermedia.org
Date: 12 Mar 2005 17:10:48 -0800
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You know what GODDAMN amazes me? I'll GODDAMN tell you. Fuckbag.
How such observable phenomenon. Like the GODDAMN WEATHER PATTERNS or
something manFUCKINGmade like the GODDAMN ECONOMY. Cannot be GODDAMN
PREDICTED WITH ANY GODDAMN ACCURACY BY MOSTLY ANY MOTHERFUCKER OF AN
EXPERT OUT THERE.
Yet. YET! DOUCHEBAG FUCKMONKEYS like YOU! Will state. With a
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN *CERTAINTY* that the "poles" will 'collapse" on a
specific date. I mean. *ASSHOLE*. Do you have to exact AM or PM time.
Do you? COCKSUCK!?
I'm GODDAMN sure you do. And I have a WHALE DICK!
Here. FUCKSOCKET BITCHBAG. Here's SOMETHING for your GEEK RETARD ASS.
The APOCALYPSE isn't COMING. It's ALREADY GODDAMN BEEN HERE! APOCALYPSE
IS EVERPRESENT. And the ENTIRE TIME you are in the APOCALYPSE you will
be UNABLE to remember what life was like BEFORE the APOCALYPSE. Nor
will you be able to GODDAMN FATHOM what life will be like AFTER the
APOCALYPSE.
A GODDAMN jew told me that. In a much nicer way. Of course.
You jizzbag fuckbucket.
Posted by:: "just john"
Date: 13 Mar 2005 12:29:23 -0800
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So you'll be the guy with a hand full of spit?
Posted by:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 14 Mar 2005 15:21:56 -0800
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>So you'll be the guy with a hand full of spit?
Oh, I'm soaking in it, baby.