FWD from Dr. Hal: When Carnosaurs Consume Cowhands!
Posted by:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 12:46:58 -0500
--------
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HALTM
Volume IV, No.
9
March 23rd,
2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents:
"When Carnosaurs Consume Cowhands!"
A Roaring, Rampaging, Ravenous Reptile Resorts to Replenishing its
Repository with a Rawboned Range Rider
And Don't Come too Late to Enjoy our Brain-Buttering Opening Act--
THE MELODIOUS MUSICIANSHIP OF
Red-Handed Jill
Formerly "Go Van Gogh"
RE-BORN AS SOCKO GROUP, ODEON FAVES BEGIN NEW MUSICAL JOURNEY NEXT WED.
With Many More Agreeable Novelties Yet Unannounced
THE DR. HAL REPORT
C O N T E N T S :
ON THE BILL: A CARNIVOROUS DINOSAUR CRUNCHES UP A COWPOKE FOR
COMESTIBLES; K-ROB PULLS OUT ALL EDITING STOPS; GO VAN GOGH NO MORE;
BAND, NOW YCLEPT RED-HANDED JILL, TO SERENADE ODEONITES - NEWS FLASH:
UNDAUNTED DATTNER WILL CO-HOST DR. HAL GIG-- 1ST FEMALE IN HISTORY TO
FILL CHICKEN'S GUNBOATS; COME AND GIVE HER SOME SUPPORT - PROGRAM NOTE:
K-ROB'S FILM FARM CHANGES FROM THURSDAY TO WEDNESDAY EVES: DR. HAL NITE
NOW 2 HOURS LONGER; COME THIS WED. FOR SCORSESE'S THE LAST WALTZ- FREE,
AND WORTH EVERY PENNY - SOCIAL NOTES: CHRIS CARNEY APPEARANCE WAS
BLARNEY; A WEIRD TV TEASER; "DOC" GOLDIE REVEALS MORE SATURNIAN
SECRETS; BEAUTIES OF THE EVENING; PHILO'S KNEE FREED FROM NHEE GHEE;
SOX BOOKS A NO-GO AS DUNCAN D'NUTS A NO-SHOW - SIGN ON THE THREE-DOTTED
LINE - COMPUTER CLIX BRING DR. HAL PIX - UPCOMING EVENTS: ONGOING: PLAN
YOUR LIFE AROUND K-ROB & DR. HAL: K.R. SCREENS SCORSESE ROCK DOC, WILL
ALSO SHOW VAUNTED VORTEX OF VERTIGINOUS VIDEOS; TWO & A HALF GREAT
RADIO SHOWS; ONE TIME ONLY: GIANT SUBGENIUS PSYCHOGROOVEADELIC
ROCK-'EM SOCK-EM CONCERT/EVENT ROLLS INTO 12 GALAXIES; QUESTION MARK'S
GALA OPENING OF HOUSE OF DOBBS SLACKPLEX TO FEATURE-- AT LAST! 2-DAY
CHURCH OF THE LATTER DAYSUBGENIUSES FILM & VIDEO FESTIVAL; THE
BLACKLIGHT BALL SEEKS BEAUCOUP BODIES FOR COMBUSTIBLE FUN; THE 5TH
ANNUAL MILLION BUNNY MARCH: SIGN UP FOR HIPPITY-HOP TO NEW SOCIAL
AWARENESS - COMING SOON: WATCH FOR THE WICKED DELIGHT OF THE DARK
ROOM'S BAD MOVIE NIGHT; - ANNOUNCEMENT: LOST SOX & HARD KNOX: MAKE TRAX
TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS; NOW, AT LAST, YOU CAN
COME RIGHT IN AND GET IT (THE BOOK, THAT IS) DURING "DR. HAL" AT THE
ODEON (WHEN DUNCAN D'NUTS IS IN THE HOUSE) - ULTRA-RARE GOTHICK, GORY,
GROTESQUE & GREWSOME HIDEOUS MONSTER HILARIOUS HORROR COMIC BOOK ALSO
FOR SALE: ONLY A FEW LEFT - SOME OF OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: SEVEN & NO
MORE; COUCH POTATO COMBUSTION; GREAT ACHES FROM LITTLE O-CORNS GROW;
VENUS NO WIDDERSHINS-WALKER; MARK OF THE BEAST FIRST SEEN ON CHI-TOWN
GUM PACKS - DISCLAIMER
An Angry Allosaur Devours a Careless Cowboy...
Did you come to our show last week? See the mandatory K-Rob Dinosaur
Movie edit? Pretty good, eh? Well, this coming Wednesday, check out our
next installment of our Dinosaur Attack series. While you can still
attend the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night club act, the Ask
Dr. Hal show (everything will change soon as the Odeon is sold), you'll
receive recherché thrills-a-plenty as you behold a huge carnivorous
dinosaur race after a luckless trail hand and pluck him off his
galloping horse-- object: dinner. This educational and scientific
presentation is offered as part of our ongoing show at the
quasi-legendary, secretly famous Odeon Bar, San Francisco's Variety
Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. at Valencia. A robust, scaled-up
Allosaurus-type theropod, possibly Carcharodontosaurus or
Giganotosaurus or a close relative, demonstrates the dynamism this sort
of top predator could be capable of. Now, Dr. Jack Horner, a
distinguished paleontologist, doesn't think a large carnosaur could
ever sprint at the speed to overtake a running horse. But Dr. Robert
Bakker, another authority, sees no reason why such a big creature
couldn't, given the right circumstances, catch up with horse and rider.
At any rate, that's what happens, all in the thrilling, great art of
stop-motion animation by Ray Harryhausen. The great jaws snap-- and a
riderless horse gallops onward. Well sir, in previous installments
we've seen these rough-hewn, lantern-jawed cowpokes get the best of
prehistoric beasts (see, for example, the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IV, No.
7). But now, at least for the time being, we take a break from such
animal abuse with a spectacle of payback from that vigorous and
spectacular dinosaur group, the saurischians. You know, nobody else on
Mission St. below Cesar Chavez (the street) ever even dreams of
offering something like this as late-night, cosmopolitan entertainment
served up in a sophisticated atmosphere of intellection, inebriation
and flirtation. Ladies and Gentlemen! Messieurs et Mesdames, meinen
Damen und Herren, Signore e Signori, Pani e Pane-- your attention,
please! This exquisite exhibition of dinosaurian dining is but a meager
molecule of our bill. Leading off the evening's festivities, a melodic
ambience will prevail at the Odeon...
...and Red-Handed Jill leads the Bill!
Go Van Gogh, that great band, has opened for the Dr. Hal Show at
various times in the past. But their last concert was on July 24th of
last year, at the Starry Plough in Berkeley. Now they're re-born, back
as an all-new group: Red-Headed Jill. Come to the bar and give them an
Odeon welcome on behalf of Chicken John. "Why can't he do that himself?
some of you may ask. Well, he would if he could, but he can't, since
he'll be out of the Odeon, out of state, in fact, indeed out of the
country altogether. He will be engaged in mounting, among other things,
the Second Chicken John Mexican Expedition of Exploration and
Discovery. (No, you can't go along on this one.) Details of this junket
will follow in a future issue. But for now, taking his place on the Dr.
Hal stage will be his able replacement...
DATTNER TO CO-HOST HAL SHOW-- AN ODEON FIRST
You read it right. A distaff show host, one Dattner, will preside. The
first female Dr. Hal Show guest-host in history. Dattner, as you may
know, has always hosted the O.'s phenomenally popular Costume Karaoke
on Thursday nights. Now she'll exhibit a non-exhortative, non-musical
facet of her stage presence as she engages in the usual Dr. Hal show
banter and doles out the Fernet Branca. (The Dr. Hal Report reassures
patrons that no Karaoke singing will be performed as part of next
Wednesday's act) Come and see how Dattner, regnant Queen of Karaoke,
rides herd on the Hal show. And before that, do come to experience the
musical stylings of Red-Handed Jill, one of our favorite groups. But
though they will open for us, they aren't the first attraction on that
same upcoming evening. No indeed. You've read in these pages of K-Rob's
Film Farm (see below). For a trial period, Film Farm showings are now
abruptly moved from Thursdays to Wednesdays. Have you considered
planning your entire evening around the Odeon? Here's the slapdown:
K-ROB FILM PROGRAM SHIFTS TO WED. NITE
San Francisco - (A.D.H.) "K-Rob's Film Farm," boffo boho guilty
pleasure open secret for film fans
keeps 'em guessing with surprise jump to mid-week. So scenesters
conclude as the ultra-hip
outré fab film fest flip-flops to fronting for the Ask Dr. Hal phenom
at the Odeon. "It's just the
same," the reclusive showman insisted to Your Reporter. "Chicken's, I
mean we're, trying out
the move, the same show, just a day earlier," he added. So there you
have it, folks, it's legit.
We'll see if Thurs. nite to Wed. Nite makes a diff. And that's up to
all of you, as we see it here.
Help to persuade Chicken that these movies are viable as a Wednesday
eve event at the O.
So now, in a sense, the whole megilla, the entire Dr. Hal marathon
really commences at 7:00 PM, when K-Rob's movies start to roll. 7-9:
the movie show (in this case The Last Waltz and short subjects). After
this comes that indefinite period, an hour or so long, called "the
break." Then, get ready for our Opening Act (in this case Red-Handed
Jill). After that, I, Dr. Howland Owll, promise that during the course
of our entirely interactive presentation, each and every one of your
questions shall be answered. Dattner will co-host and perform the
Monologue. K-Rob will produce his video and audio wonders. David
Capurro, a.k.a. Yo-yo Pro, will surf the Internet to provide our
stream-of-consciousness musings with accompanying imagery. Jascha
Ephraim (pronounced F-rum) will keep all technical aspects in synch.
The bar will be open, with delectable Ena serving. A memorable time
will be had by all. And please take note of this: the whole thing,
movies, show and all, see, is, tee-hee!
COMPLETELY FREE!
And we mean it! We offer no cover, no charge to those bon vivants and
demimondaines who rendezvous at the Odeon to take in our show, despite
all the irreplaceable, precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact, we
spend in the "set-up," getting it all ready just for you. See for
yourself-- or just come in for a tête-à-tête with your date or mate, in
a comfortable hangout hideaway we provide. Enjoy the final days of an
era. We don't spread what's heard-- discretion's our word. Our lips
will be sealed, no confidence revealed. What happens at the O. stays
there. Of course, your "assignation" still just might show up later in
The Dr. Hal Report (and from there to tribe.net) as a hot, scorching
item in the next section, the section called...
Social Notes
Chris Carney defaulted. A trained stage magician, he made his act
disappear. As a last-minute substitution Chicken John showed excepts
from Chuck Cirino's Weird TV: WTV in San Francisco 2004. We saw
snippets of our show-- these may make it to MSNBC, a network rumored to
be interested... Same disc also boasts footage of the St. Stupid's Day
Parade and other festal enactments familiar to many in our audience...
The Dr. Hal show roared ahead with Pete Goldie's super-science lecture
on the Ice-spewing Volcanoes of Enceledus; "Doc" Goldie revealed NASA
images from the boondocks of our Outer Solar System... Quite a crowd
attended the show--Momo brought in her 80th request, Alison gave us her
full attention, and Suzanne Stefanec snagged a good table, with fellow
clubber Caius, about halfway back... Little Johnny Stang was with us;
ditto Rachel with second cousin Andrew... a spree on skis dinged Dr.
Philo Drummond's knee a few weeks back, but he hobbled in to see the
show just the same... Paul "Pot," Gentleman Farmer, Tweezers McSchnee,
Moses and Dr. Fiasco all pretended not to be playing, "Weirder Than
Thou." Fetching Fan Ameke and unibrowed Anthony Phoer huddled together
in deep conversation, but at least they both bought drinks... Harriet
was in the house; other conspicuous beauties included Janay Growden,
Robin Frohardt, and Marcia DeVoe, while ravishing Robin Coomer of Loop
Station shot pix of the show from up front... Promoter David Kaye made
an appearance, as did man-about-town Benjamin Burke, Freddi Price of
Rube Waddell, and, later on in the evening, cartoonist/tattooist Mark
Bodé. Zoli, suave crooner, following a gig with Linda Robertson and
Francine Bennett of Nice Pants, chatted with Cheesy and other
long-stemmed lovelies... We had good questions, which gave us better
than usual answers, though God and Jesus made their inevitable
appearance... Bud Ugly kibitzed but played by the rules... Missy E
asked a lapin-based question anent a bunny's anatomy; Easter is near,
dear... Renee inquired about the origin of the Slinky. A tip-- catch
Susan Stern's documentary Barbie Nation for the answer... Dylan was
worried about Global Warming while The Dark Room's Jim Fourniadis
ranged in his questions from the physics of meteorology to subtleties
of psychology... Emily wanted to know if Dr. Hal was related to Dr.
Who. Only distantly, Em... Josh the Orange Box Man wanted to see more
Weird TV... Rachel Ann taxed us with taxonomy... David Capurro finagled
Fernet from Chicken a few times, while Ena dealt with the thirsty
throng... Jascha and K-Rob gave Mr. Rinaldi the support he needed for
the show. Dig, Duncan D'nuts, the Lost Socks book bursar, unfortunately
couldn't make the gig, so I wasn't able to sell any copies, old sprig.
Try again next week, folks. And those are the latest scoops. Now, you
can help me out with my information gathering. Come on, autograph
K-Rob's Sign-Up Sheet on the dotted line. Then I can get your John
Hancock into this column, see? If I misspell your name, a hideous
solecism, it'll then be because you did it. That familiar old K-Rob
Sheet-- it's always at the front of the stage, stuck there firmly with
Scotch "magic" tape. After the show, before I leave I un-stick it,
tearing it somewhat, take it home and use it-- to write this column.
That's the way it works. So do your part; give me a heads-up on your
handle-- or be forever left off the page, un-taped, unwept, unhonored
and unsung...
Special Feature: SEE the Ask Dr. Hal Show-- Right Now! Just for those
Dr. Hal Show fans who may be distressed that they must wait until March
23rd to see it all, The Dr. Hal Report now provides some relief-- the
opportunity, thanks to Laughing Squid's Master Tentacle Scott Beale, to
view (images of) the show in all its glory. Check out Scott's photos by
following this link:
http://laughingsquid.org/photos/dr_hal_021605/
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a frothy
spillway spray and gushing blast of related happenings churning the
turbines, spilling over the same dam as are we, presented as a public
service by the Dr. Hal Report, which is responsible for all accuracy or
factual errors from the following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's WEDNESDAY Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob's movie show now runs on
Wednesdays. It was always spiritually a part of the Ask Dr. Hal show;
now it's physically linked by being the first attraction on Dr. Hal
Night at the Odeon. Here's what we suggest: come in at 7 PM and see the
movies. Then, during the "break" (see above) you might want to go out
and get some of the great food the nabe offers. You won't have to go
far. You can even bring it back to the club and eat it there-- we're
not fussy. Then take in the rest of the show. You know, they say K-Rob
the Great is, among other things, a showman and exhibitor, and he's
many times proved it at the Odeon with his dynamic displays of Video
Editing, not to mention additionally at such far flung venues as, say,
the deeply troubling "SubGenius" 3-Day & Night Outdoor Movie Festival
and Nude Humiliation/Potlatch-- remember that? back in May of last year
(see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). How the time fries... And
now, catch the latest one of these fulsome cinematic endurance contests
the same perpetrators are indeed putting on now that the Spring is
here-- it'll be next month. (See below.) Keep watching for more details
in this space. Anyhoo, it's like this-- each Wednesday-- not Thursday,
K-Rob' runs this Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE, FREE, FREE!
Cm'on-- when even a daytime matinée in this stuck-up burg costs, at
best, a painful, wallet-whipping $7.50, where else can you go for a
free frickin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with both bon
vivant K-Rob and easy-on-the-eyes Ena, and order hard liquor, an
amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pour out with the
popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through
9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole
Tostada Grande. This week it's.. The Last Waltz. Martin Scorsese's 1978
capsule history of The Band is mixed with footage of the group's
allegedly last performance (certainly their last performance as a
quintet) in this particularly stylish concert film. Scorsese shoots the
players and their sundry guests with the same flair and enthusiasm one
can see in the later The Color of Money or Goodfellas. He also proves a
good interviewer with Band members, particularly Robbie Robertson,
whose sleepy-sexy good looks make a star-caliber impression in
close-up. But the film's real hook is the stage show, which features a
rotation of rock legends (Van Morrison, Joni Mitchell, Paul
Butterfield, Bob Dylan, and so on) playing with The Band before a
wildly appreciative audience. --Tom Keogh. Now, really, isn't it about
time you started coming to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. Deranged "edits" segue into a cascade of echoing glossolaliac
madness, the voicing of lyric ruminations from the free-falling brains
of disintegrating personalities. And some people, demented individuals,
obsessively record every word and squealing sound effect. Of course,
you may just hate it. But maybe not. After all, Flag Team siren Kelek
Stevenson actually did tell me she listens to our jocund low-life
antics, our japes and jocularities. I hope it's true, for I can think
of no better reason for doing the show. The fact that she may be paying
attention really makes all the difference. So there. And, if you're up,
why not give it a try? Maybe you could even, you know, call in (after
4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much, much more accessible time, now on Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on
SF Liberation Radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll
elevate you with his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist
pleasure) and now on Saturdays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio
87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression programming. Gro-o-onk!
K.R., broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre,
promises to play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed
at our other shows, all you Dr. Hal attendees. If you can stand to
smell the smoke, see the flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is
the show for you. Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- get in the habit. See
what all the shouting is about.
One Night Only
Church of the SubGeniusTM "Post-St. Stupid's Day Parade Decompression"
Concert and Party-- April 1st, April Fool's Night at 12 Galaxies, 2565
Mission St. at, or near 22nd. Bands, Ranters and other performers
highlight this Night of, dare I say it? slack. Some of the biggest Left
Coast names in the Church of the SubGenius conspire to create a
memorable mélange of music, mirth and mayhem. The bill includes Rube
Waddell, The Fluff Grrlz, Los Banos, abrasive comedian crazy Bed Bug
Eddie, the Evolution Control Committee and, going on at 12:00 Midnight,
The Artists Formerly Known As "Iceman's Johnson" (AFKAIJ, pronounced
"F-Cage"), a SubGenius supergroup and portmanteau potpourri fusing
players from Doktors 4 "Bob" and the legendary Swinging Love Corpses:
Gary G'Boagfram, Dr. Philo Drummond, Bishop Joey of the First Church of
the Last Laugh, Puzzling Evidence, K-Rob, Jerry Madigan and Mike (the
drummer from Santa Cruz) doing anti-music and anti-jazz swill. Guest
vocalists include Rev. Michael Peppe and SubGenius schismatic St. Janor
Hypercleets, now washed anew in the Gleet of "Bob" and welcomed back
into the fold. I, Dr. Howland Owll, have also been asked to contribute
in some unspecified capacity. Watch this space for more information as
I get it-- what are they charging for this wing-ding, anyway? In all
likelihood, not enough. Doors open 6:00 PM; show starts (with the
benediction by Bishop Joey) at 7:00 PM. Note: "Adults" only-- 21 and
over, please.
Church of the SubGeniusTM Official Spring Apocalyptic Film and Video
Festival: Home Edition -- Friday, April 22nd and Saturday April 23rd at
House of Dobbs Slackplex, 6952 Simson Street, Oakland. 6PM - 5:30 AM or
until the circuit breakers trip. A VIP Pass, good for both nights, is a
mere $5.00! I don't understand-- is something wrong with making a
little money? Unlike the upcoming Dr. Hal's SubGenius Science Fiction
Movie Festival-- watch for it! --this cinematic SubGenius event will
mostly feature non-"Hollywood" fare; view original videos by Dr. Hal,
the late Jeff Robins, Doug Wellman, Dr. Philo Drummond, Nancy
Denny-Phelps, Mark McGothigan, K-Rob and other visionaries. Multiple
screens-- three, count 'em, three separate simultaneous projections!
SEE! Ultra-rare films by Bishop Joey and Dr. Howland Owll! WATCH the
programme on our Giant Screen while stewing stark naked with giggling
SubGenius groupies in the luxurious comfort of our bubbling hot tub!
EAT a variety of toothsome snacks throughout the evenings! DRINK
yourself insensible and/or abuse drugs to enhance the overall mood! (Of
course, it helps if you bring the snacks, drugs, groupies etc.) LEARN
uncomfortable truths about people you thought you knew as you view
their most private, intimate productions! TOLERATE the non-slick but
raw and honest entries, examples of Cinema Mediocrité. With surprises,
gags, performances, nudity and the transcendentally numinous. Dobbs
approved. Call (510) 633-1981 for more information; also look us up at
quiveringbrain.com
markmc3
us@yahoo.com
or
http://home.pacbell.net/mcgmgb/
"5th Anniversary Bunny Jam"-- Sunday, March 26th-- 8PM till 6AM at some
yet-to-be-announced "East Bay Location." This is $teven Ra$pa's big
event every year, and yes, it involves wearing a rabbit costume to some
degree. These are the gradations in the ascending intensity of
participation: $10.00 in full bunny-suited drag, $15.00 for partial
bunnification; $20.00 to attend in mundane, drab and non-bunnied
apparel. Someone asked me, "is this a, you know, er, "furry" event?"
Well, yes and no. You can't convince me that those folks don't get some
degree of sexual stimulation by parading in public in bunny rabbit
attire. And is it ever popular! "Bunnies are hopping and flying in from
all over the country to celebrate as only bunnies can!" Ra$pa has
announced. "If interested in contributing 100% bunny art of some kind,"
he continues, "doing a featured bunny performance in the Golden Carrot
Cabaret, or bunnifying in some way, let me know RIGHT AWAY! We are
having a walk-through of the space on Saturday, March 25th at 2pm for
those bringing art and helping to create the secret portal to enter the
glorious gates of (drum roll, please!)... BunnyHOPolis!" All right, all
right. The appeal of the whole thing may be opaque to many, but I'll
say this. It's bizarre, but civilized. You see, when you're in that
fluffy bunny suit, you're not likely to start a fist fight, are you?
'Nuff said. Watch these pages for more details as they, ah, "hop" in...
"Blacklight Ball: Light Art Festival & Dance Celebration"-- Saturday,
May 14th, at Studio Z, 314 11th St. at Folsom, S.F. With Mysdom Giant
Glow Puppet Theatre and the BORG2 Symphony of Art Disasters. A benefit
to help rebuild the MYSDOM Traveling Theatre and the BORG2 Art
Movement. The incredible one night of the year where Bay Area Light
Artists host their own luminous celebration. All light artists
(Painters, Sculptors, Kinetic Work, Image Projection, Shadow Work, LED,
EL Wire, Neon, and others) are invited to show their work alongside
Light Performers (Light spinners, Light Poi, Hoopers, Stilt walkers,
Jugglers, Dancers, Music acts, and Fashion Fantasies) for an evening of
endless, blasting music, flashing, flaring, fire arts and light
festivities. Just like the desert. The "theme?" ILLUMINATED DISASTER.
That's right. Watch this space for further details, admission, and so
on. 5pm to 8pm will be the Artist Reception-- your chance to meet and
greet, perhaps beat, the artists. Lectures, discussions and
demonstrations. From 8pm and on past 3am, join in the Dance
Celebration, merging your identities in the mindless ecstasy of
pulsating, rhythmic movement. Multiple performances, Fashion Shows, two
rooms with 2 DJs, and of course more. 21 and over, please. Be prepared
to show ID. Call Studio Z: (415) 252-7666 and also check out
www.StudioZ.tv if you would like to get involved. Plan to bring or make
art, do performances or just volunteer. Go ahead and contact:
blacklightball@yahoo.com
Join:
http://blacklightball.tribe.net
Coming Soon
"Bad Movie Night" -- At The Dark Room Theatre, Mission St. between 18th
& 19th, S.F. Sundays at 8PM, starting March 27th-- continuing Sundays
through April (3rd, 10th, 17th, 24th) Remember TV's Mystery Science
Theatre? The show where they ran those awful cheesy science fiction
movies and had a bunch of jokers seen in silhouette commenting on them
all through the picture? Remember that? Huh? Huh? Sure you do. It was
great fun, kind of like watching badfilm with your own wise-guy
friends... Well, now the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre is going
to provide just that experience-- Ty plans to screen a rancid classic
each week, and sure enough there'll be a group of wiseacres in the
front row yakking it up on the microphone to add to the general
hilarity. But let her tell it: "Here's the deal-- I have a list of bad
movies from the home office in Flint, MI-- and we'll screen one a week
and four of us will host, which means we sit in the front row of the
audience and wisecrack into the mic. We hope this will encourage the
audience to join in. Popcorn and snacks will be provided. And the hosts
even get paid! This will be a weekly event if we can get it rolling,
and we're committed to paying the hosts even if no one shows, which of
course won't happen. I'm figuring we'll get a rotating roster of about
10 peeps and schedule 3-4 hosts per show. Compensation will come in the
way of 2 comps per host and at least $15-$20 a night per host, more
depending on the door. I'm also thinking that the flick could be
available to those who wish to preview it for notes and ideas. However,
you are welcome to wing it. So come on and give it a try, it won't cost
us nuthin' and we'll all have some laffs. If you are interested in
participating, please plan to attend one of the two following meetings:
Tuesday, March 22nd or Wednesday, March 23rd, at 7:00 PM. Drop us an
e-mail and let us know which of the Sunday show dates you would like to
perform in: March 27th, April 3rd, April 10th, April 17th or April
24th." For more, contact Dark Room Honcho Jim Fourniadis at
jim@darkroomsf.com or that well-known
troublemaker Ty at ty@darkroomsf.com
High-Flown Liter'ry Announcement
Just for the record I'll say here, since I guess you all know it by
now, or ought to, that I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The
Meaning of Lost and Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is Frog, Ltd.
(North Atlantic Books). But now I'm happy to proclaim that for a trial
period which started three weeks ago but is almost over, Duncan D'nuts
is helping me to be able to sell it at the Odeon! I personally will
sell you a copy and, if you choose, autograph and inscribe each one.
We'll see how it works out. There are still three or four of this batch
left. The book was devised, penned, indexed, and packed with
illustrations by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus
Pedale, M.D., Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. In it, I
finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard of Ass"
out in the desert some years ago under the stars of Black Rock, as
Chicken reminded me in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to
answering all questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer,
as in this case. Warning: this book costs a cool $9.95, but all books
are expensive these days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have
written a "squaresville" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my
already savaged & ravaged reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if
you really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why
don't you, by stepping right up and getting this book directly from me.
And if you like it, you might want to get my next book, Dinosaur
Alphabet (which I ought to be working on right now instead of writing
this, now in endless-seeming preparation). But first things first.
Acquire Lost Socks from me personally at the bar. Or do it the hard(er)
way-- order it from somewhere else and bring it to the bar-- ISBN
number 1-58394-097-9, paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm
working on now, will be a hardback, when I get it finished-- I'm aiming
for the Fall 2005 season-- wish me luck!). Also available in many
bookstores, I suppose (on my Hallowe'en trip to N.Y.C. last year I saw
they were carrying it at Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. The
profit margin will be slim, but we'll see how it all works out. Help an
impoverished author (that's me) this leeched-out pre-Easter season. I'm
going to have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my
royalties to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher.
I guess I need an agent. Remember, buy it at the bar and I'll sign it,
exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise. Also, I still
have a few copies of my grisly EC-style Horror Comic Book, Grave Yarns,
which I drew in 1999, left to sell at $8 a pop (cheap, considering the
scarcity). I can autograph those, too-- personalizing them-- but when
they're gone, they're gone. Of course, you can still get them from the
publisher, but what good does that do me?
Some of Our Favorite Questions:
"Dr. Hal, how many times can you fold a piece of paper?" Seven times.
No more. Try it."Hey, Dr. Hal, do you burn any calories when you're
just sitting watching TV?" Some, but a very few. You burn more by
sleeping, actually."Dr. Hal, how old do oak trees get before they start
producing acorns?" Fifty (50) years of age, or older."Do any planets
rotate clockwise?" Why not ask Pete Goldie, the real expert on
off-planet matters? I know of only one-- Venus, the blazing hot Planet
of Love."What was the first product ever to have a bar code?" That
would be Wrigley's Spearmint Gum. Everybody's chewin'it, chewin' it,
chewin' it. Well, that's that. If you have a question for me, I, Dr.
Howland Owll, have an answer for you. Just not during off hours,
please! Have mercy. See you at the Odeon!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is open to all seekers and thirsters after
Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John permanently boots out
of the bar. Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations
are available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
including all would-be prospective opening act performers, is asked to
present his or her resume, life history, astrological chart, nude
photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen,
pickled punks, tortillas or stained BVDs with miraculous portraits of
Jesus thereon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition
tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation when he
is available. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at
present, to provide (shudder) "relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff
psychological analyses, advise you in legal, medical or personal
matters, critique your poetry, artwork or the manuscript of your novel,
or perform an impromptu phrenological examination. Sorry, I must
refrain from answering questions when "off duty." This is a period and
condition which begins at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts
until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding,
don't come at me with questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not
doing the show. Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no
shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful,
regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics,
crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are
(too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply.
Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block to
attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences.
Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate
entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs.
Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum
grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No
complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole
family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age).
Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided
free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty,
bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific.
Reads tea leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells,
locates missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit
World, knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in
this world and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex
Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your
parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past
Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I
kid you not. Performed each week in former "Clamper" Headquarters, and
haunted by their spirits. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the
most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend.
They really are lovely. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius.
Dobbs Approved. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of
the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head and the contours of the
uncovered female body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns, if
you have a taste for giant spiders, crumbling skulls, leering "Horror
Hosts," improbable, repulsive monsters, the sexual revenge of
frustrated scientists, re-animated walking corpses, the Vengeance of
the Dead-- that sort of thing. Brought to you by Camel cigarettes
(remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel"), and by the
Miracle Liquor the elixir vitae Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask
Dr. Hal show since 2001 A.D. From now on until whosoever is not found
in the Book of Life is cast forth into the Lake of Fire, there to fry,
frizzle, sizzle and pop for all eternity, all questions instantly and
irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken
John, and Charjo and Hock Herbal-Schick Productions. We reserve the
right to refuse service to you and all your kin, reject inappropriate
questions and eject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly,
forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission drunks, plug-uglies
and owlhoots: if you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced."
Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance,
and payment will not ensure your appreciation of the evening, all
questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope
containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration.
The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded)
the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a so-called "Bardic
Recitation." For example, last week's show concluded with my
interpretation of Richard Wilbur's elegiac paean to a toad run over by
a lawnmower, "The Death of a Toad." Too bad if you weren't there, eh?
Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by an
assembled mob of magic 8-balls. I'm getting more of these donated all
the time. The gabby Sternbergh 8-ball can even speak its reply aloud.
But if it's not a "yes or no" question, this type of answer frankly
doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just
the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you
get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. And if you don't
see what you want, just ask. Better attend now-- the bar's being sold,
and it's all coming to an end. You knew it would happen some day. Time
tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the
weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Rough on Rats. Remembered in
dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living
Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner
anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments. Better than
"The Playboy Advisor," and certainly cheaper. Are you really actually
reading this? You are? Good for you. At least somebody is. We're
obviously not for everybody, but then, as R. Crumb said, not
everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody. Don't let
the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads off at
shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election, vote them
out of office this time. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized!
We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the
teeming Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that
is). Read all instructions (provided) before participating. Drink
responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for
full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love
of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy!
Do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my
book, won't you? It's easy. Get them while they last, at the Odeon,
while it lasts...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB