Cynical News: Furniture Chopped Up to Keep Zombies Out of Farmhouse
Posted by:: Phin
Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 01:12:04 GMT
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Pennsylvania, PA - Local resident, "Ben" announced Tuesday that he was
now "down to chopping up the last of much-needed but 'expendable'
farmhouse's furniture in a concerted effort to keep the flesh-eating
zombies from devouring the people inside".
"We are moving forward with a plan now to stop up holes and fortify
the myriad doors and windows," Ben told reporters while pounding in
nails into broken wood to fortify the residence.
"Uh... there's a lot of holes up here, so we've had to make the
painful decision to chop up the last of the furniture to fortify the
residence, until... until someone comes to rescue us".
Barbara, one of the residents of the besieged farmhouse had this to
say about their situation:
"Johnny! Johnny! He has the keys! You don't understand! We have to
go... get... Johnny!"
Mr. Cooper, another farmhouse resident, has consistently maintained
his position that "the cellar is the safest place, you bastards. "
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 02:03:32 GMT
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In article ,
Phin wrote:
> Pennsylvania, PA - Local resident, "Ben" announced Tuesday that he was
> now "down to chopping up the last of much-needed but 'expendable'
> farmhouse's furniture in a concerted effort to keep the flesh-eating
> zombies from devouring the people inside".
>
> "We are moving forward with a plan now to stop up holes and fortify
> the myriad doors and windows," Ben told reporters while pounding in
> nails into broken wood to fortify the residence.
>
> "Uh... there's a lot of holes up here, so we've had to make the
> painful decision to chop up the last of the furniture to fortify the
> residence, until... until someone comes to rescue us".
>
> Barbara, one of the residents of the besieged farmhouse had this to
> say about their situation:
>
> "Johnny! Johnny! He has the keys! You don't understand! We have to
> go... get... Johnny!"
>
> Mr. Cooper, another farmhouse resident, has consistently maintained
> his position that "the cellar is the safest place, you bastards. "
People should verify that they are attending an actual Devival before
foolishly tripping off to fuck-knows-where. There might just BE zombies,
or worse yet, aggressive, conversion-hungry 7th-Day Adventists.
--
HellPope Huey
Former keyboardist for Bleeding Gums Murphy
Inside your head,
there's a record playing,
saying hold on
- Tom Waits, "Hold On"
"A monkey with a gun
would make a great TV show."
- "That 70s Show"