Unh! Unh! Uhn! New brain!

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Date: Mon, Feb 2, 2004

I am FUCKING my new brain, with pure USE. Oh my lordy god-goddy. What a
rush of a thrill of a kick.

I still haven't answered most of the hundred and one emails, and I
still don't have a car, and now walk everywhere, but DOBBS ALIVE, you
should see my new processor and RAM upgrade GO, GO, GO!!

This single-brained old G4 Mac from the turn of the century, with 400
mhz (!!), was the fastest home computer of its time (its time was about
two weeks); Apple even advertised it as being classified as a "military
weapon" since it was swift enough to launch and guide missiles with, or
some such shit.

Well, it got old and tired, smoked too much 'Frop, downloaded too much
porn and LeMur art. Either that or the system and software got about 3
times as fancy.

I have never bought and installed a processor before, so this was a
nerve-wracking adventure, the worst part being the careful adjusting of
the clips that hold the heat sink to the processor board, using
needle-nosed pliars, and the best part being when I tried converting a
high quality test video clip to the Internet-pirate-friendly format
called DivX avi, and it happened between eye-blinks instead of between
fropsticks.

Holy Majeegers-Bum Flappycakes!! I about liked to shat like Shatner's
goat.

It was so much easier to run tests that I was almost INSTANTLY able to
determine why my earlier DivX conversions had been coming out fucked up
since buying a new version of the converter. (It always worked FINE
when I was using the AHEM "FREE" older version... for you
video-converting fiends out there... but in the new DivX plugin that I
actually BOUGHT fair and square, for 29 fucking dollars, it would cause
a color shift every 9 seconds in the converted movie. Which, I
discovered, was caused by bad keyframing every 300 frames -- a default
setting, since disabled.)

This testing took about 5 minutes instead of an hour. OH yeah. OHhhhh
yeah baby. COME 2 PAPA. Oh you little hot cakes mama you.

It felt SO good to turn that computer back on after the installation
and have it NOT WAKE UP DEAD.

It's suspenseful, like defusing a bomb, because a little static
electricity can kill your $300 investment, and in the winter some rooms
of my house are like inside-out Tesla generators, with crackling bolts
leaping between your hand and the TV set FROM 3 FEET AWAY and leaving
the fingers all bruised and purple and throbbing. EVERY TIME YOU WALK
THROUGH THE ROOM.

So to make SURE I was grounded, I performed the installation REAL FAST,
while PEEING, UNERRINGLY, DIRECTLY INTO THE GROUND SOCKET on my wall
outlet, without hitting the other, live, holes in the plug. I could
have just used a speaker wire taped to my elbow or something, I
suppose, but I was in a hurry. Anyway it went well, I mopped up, the
gizmo worked and now, after I marvel slackjawed at this thing RENDERING
and CONVERTING a few things, I can train it to do tricks that the old
one couldn't do, and put to use some nifty idiot-proof but mechanically
demanding titling and sound mixing software.

So as to keep up with my SON.

Speaking of sons, I soncerely hope that iDRMRSR Junior's tonsil
extraction went as smoothly as my brain implant did.

*NOTE: "soncerely" WAS a typo

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

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Original file name: Unh! Unh! Uhn! New brain!.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05